Gone gone gone (in relation to my computer until monday)

So he told me yesterday
"Maybe whenever a part of the old Megan dies,
you get angry and sad. That's why you cry."

And there the rub of it
that's the cruddy part
how do you get better
you take off the bad parts
and it hurts
It hurts to let go of the parts of me
even the ones that hurt when I hold on to them.

It feels sometimes like the rules are
that the wounds on my back must be scraped
and broken open
and scrubbed until they are fresh and clean and bleeding
in order for the skin to grow back.

I've been watching a lot of Hannibal lately
and I have been feeling so stressed
the knots in my back are here and bad
so painful I can't sleep without help
and even then it's difficult
almost impossible to turn off my brain
the words come and come and
sometimes what's coming out of my mouth
doesn't sound like what I wanted it to.

My computer is unusable for now.
I don't like it. I work and play incessantly on in
and my income comes from that computer. I have one
that I can use as back up, sort of, since it isn't really mine
but I don't prefer it. I like things that are mine, that feel like mine
I've spent the last 5 months getting my ways set and being happy
with the way I've been doing my work and now I'm having a hard
time adjusting. This is a ridiculous thing to be feeling so very put out
by, and I'm deeply aware of that.

But it is just a frustrating thing on top of many many other
frustrating things that are happening.
I will be glad when monday is over, when my computer is fixed
and I can go back to furiously blogging from my own chair
and talking to customers
and being thankful that tax season is waning
and spending time with my friends
before they head out for months at a time.



Mmmmmm.

nergh

"I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
the better part of me."
Five for Fighting

I remember
how the carpet felt
how rough and dark it was
and how your shirt felt, stretchy shiny material
and it never occurred to me that I'd never have moments like those
with you ever again.
If you read this
and you will,
you always do
(there's that arrogance you always had)
you would say
wow that sounds way dirtier than it was
and it does.

I hate letting anyone look at the music I listen to.
I'm told that I'm supposed to share
that it's a good way to connect
what kind of music do you listen to?
go to answer is always
I listen to everything.
Non specified music lover
I can sing soprano and alto parts
the alto parts are easier on my voice
but 8 years of soprano training is hard to wear away
I can read music and harmonize by ear
Good harmony makes me so very happy
I should tell people that
the music I like must include decent harmonies
these are the qualification
preferably with good stories
I like anything that has bagpipes, provided they aren't terrible
and I love Irish songs
that's a hard statement to quantify
I like to dance
but I can hear a beat in nearly every song
so nothing is particularly dance music to me
my car has crazy bass for a ridiculous tiny little car
but I always always have the music loud in there
it makes my thoughts less angry as I drive
and that's generally a good thing.

blahblahblah new post to go to  because I've run out of thoughts on this one

Trust Exercises

Did everyone do trust exercises
at some point?

There was one weekend that I couldn't
NOT go on that they did them
but I didn't trust anyone at the camp
and in an odd turn of events
nearly every adult understood the irony of
trying to force a trust exercise. So I never did it.

And that's the story of why
I don't trust anyone enough
to fall backwards into their arms
out of a tree.
not even at confirmation camp
not even if god himself or herself
told me to let go and fall back.

And two whole days of talking incessantly
about my supposed faith
and singing at the top of my lungs at a place
who rarely remembered my name
and sleeping badly
did nothing to improve my faith or my trust.
Mostly what it did was make it all the more painful
when a little while later
the people I thought were my friends
decided that we weren't any more.

There are lots of days
where all I can think is that there was never enough
trust to leap out of a tree
or off the swings
or into the water
and that is why I like to read
I can throw myself into the book
and know that I can come up for air
I can trust that no one will try to drown me.

Tangled

The amazing part
is that when my hair was chopped off
when I said
just do what looks good
I'm not afraid

I became
unafraid.

Funny how these things
work.

Fun Parts

"I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me.
I'd rather be a mystery
than she desert me.
Oh I'm never speaking up again...
starting now."

The fun parts
are when I remember
that no matter how often I straighten my hair
and paint my nails
there is no way I could change myself
that would make you love me

The fun parts are
when I finally have something to go to
that doesn't make me react viscerally with anxiety
but I take the meds to feel better for the next body horror
and lo and behold! They make me feel worse.
and so not only did I miss what I was looking forward to
but now i can joyously be worried about how I affected

The fun parts are
never knowing what to wear
because who knows what everyone will expect from you
what to bring for a present to someone who has known your name
since you were born
but couldn't tell you your favorite color
or what you like.

The fun parts are how my stomach hurts
and how when I'm falling asleep
I can remember either the really good parts
(how her arms feel, what the air felt like that night
what it felt like to be loved)
or the really bad ones
(two hours of crushing loneliness, keep that smile on,
why don't you invite me over? what if they hate me)
but never just the normal ones.

The fun parts are how
when I remember that he came over
and told me to dance with him
when I got home, what I remembered
was that his hand felt like yours
and I will never feel your hand like that again.

The fun parts are how
I will fuck you up
if you look at my cat or my kids or my friends wrong
but it is okay if you hate me
I don't mind too much as long as I know.
I hate surprises, especially ones where I thought someone was okay with me
turns out to really really not be.

These are the fun parts.

No Ordinary Wings

And today was the day
I swear to keep this open until
I have finished a post or
I'll never get anything done.
There are so many words in my head and
I worry that they won't get out and
will eventually break their way out of my head.

I've become quite taken with Frozen,
it's become my latest Brave and Tangled,
and as always, I love my disney princesses
talkative and funny and preferably with crazy hair.

Sometimes I think about what it is like
to wrap my arms around his waist. It's not a fantasy-
I do it as often as I see him. But it feels somewhere between
good and odd in reality.

I went to an Event a little while ago
and it was somewhere between dreadfully awful for a while
and absolutely lovely
and the truths I've learned are that
I feel horribly sad about watching children become adults
and watching a wedding for some people really feels like that
and the feelings of isolation are real, no matter where I go
but sometimes I'll have brief moments of respite
and the loneliness lifts
and there are documented pictures of me laughing with people
and goofing off
and since when does that happen
and tequila and coke should not mix
but sitting at a table full of people who can match your crazy stories
make for fascinating conversation.
and dancing was terrible and fun.

God this was terrible
reading and writing.

I walked with you Once Upon a Dream

The things I have learned about you
go as follows:

you remember my orders when we
go out to eat
but you try to get me to eat new things.
you let me pick where we eat
even when I don't want to.
you read to me once when i was sick
sorry for picking a book that was french
and love my ever wayward paths
that always end in crazy hair
you know my painful memories are often
the best ones i have

 you introduce me to your friends
and makes sure I feel safe and taken care of
especially when I'm feeling lonely and isolated
and you make me take pictures
that I am grateful for in the long term
and you listen when I read the most random things
out loud
and even though I never want anything but pho
and bahn mi, you still let me pick.
you made me watch ocean's 11 and 12
and I hate it
and you are still not happy about that
you remind me not to let my anxiety
rule over me
and you remind me
I don't have to be alone
to reach out when I feel trapped

You like pizza and games too much
(little caesars, seriously, all the time)
and you laugh when my favorite characters kiss
(BUFFY!)
and you hate clothes and only ever want to wear pajamas
(if I'm lucky)
and sometimes you say mean things to the cat
(but only when she's trying to eat wires)
you have only complained about 4 times about the music i choose
in the car
as opposed to the every single time I complain
when you choose.

when I am with you
I remember that you love me
for all of the things
the good the bad and the heinous bullshit
and not in spite of them.

let's go to greece and rome
to florence and naples
and the french countryside
and to ireland and the bahamas
to montreal and prince edward island
let's go on every roller coaster i can stand
(which is rare)
and go to all the water parks
(much better)
and all the beaches
I want to see the world with you.
let's get a big dog to go with our cat
who licks our faces
you and your friends dance with me

and I feel loved often