This Goddess has doesn't have much gas in her car

He said something last night
that struck a chord with me
that when it was clean in the bathroom
than that was when he felt rich.
I get it.

Clean rooms feel rich
and dirty rooms feel like
no one cares and no one can
so I'm trying to keep things as neat as I can
look what I do
throw things away
wash clothes
put away dishes
because I want him to feel loved
i want him to feel rich

Because I feel rich when I have a full tank of
gas in my car
and that happens once every few months or so
and when my tank reads as full
I am the richest girl in the world.

Some days he makes me feel rich
when he takes off his hat and kisses me
I feel like a goddess
or when we just hang out and laugh
and watch a movie
and he makes me scream because I'm so terrified
and I tell him about the things I'm proud of
and the things that make me crazy
and he laughs with me.

My room is cleaner
the clothes are hanging in the closet and
most of the trash is gone. Thankfully,
most of this was done this weekend and I'm doing
my best to enjoy the clean and to keep it
where it is or better.
A lot of this weekend was spent cleaning
and it makes me super happy

except even with a clean room
the day dragged on and I'm tired
and I can't get a nap
so I feel depressed and tired
but at the same time, I 'm looking at the
future and it looks significantly brighter with
 a cleaner room. Not perfect
still needs a few hours work
but the future looks brighter
and I'm significantly less angry than I am
most days.

It is Friday morning and it has been a LONG week what with being sick and trying to organize my kids' second birthday stuff. No one has been particularly helpful or even very specific about the things they want to do, with the exception of my parents. I get annoyed because my parents always want to have things about a month in advance, which can be extremely annoying, but it is pretty annoying that I can't get a straight answer the freaking DAY before a birthday. Two birthdays.

All my husband and I can do is scream at each other. He blames me for all his issues. We were both crying last night. I just can't be everyone's comforter. I can't even comfort myself appropriately so why am I expected to do that for two kids and my husband on top of it?

I need to clean. I need to get my kids upstairs so I can at least try. I'd also like to get some of the garbage out. I am just hating everything currently.

EFF YOU CLEANING ROOM!

O kitten.

How I love you.

I effing hate cleaning my room.

Oh well, to the trenches.

And what trenches they are!