Lightning

"I've had lightning in my veins and thunder in my chest
all tangled up in you and trying to catch my breath
I've been chasing that sensation halfway 'round the world
and looking back on what we had
And I've done it all and I've seen it all
But I can't find a feeling like that."

I remember the first time
I heard that song
Gary Allen, you spoke to the bits of
my soul that were still intact.
And once I applied it to a man that
broke all the parts of me at once and a million
times over
because no matter how good the high feels
the come down was always a million times worse
for him.
But whenever I think of him
or he speaks of me
or a photo pops up from facebook or something
I have to remind myself not to say hi
don't look
don't speak
don't touch
and maybe the memories
will fade in time.
They never have.

But even though
there is pain in this song
there were good things
there were pages of letters that
were more like books
and poetry and pens that
made me think of some sort of dreadful
Jane Austen novel.
Oh my gosh
I'm such a fucking elitist
and everyone else is a peasant
and if I happen to become some sort of politician
or person of note
I am so sorry and that was a mean dreadful joke
and you are all lovely and wonderful and I was
just channeling Yyzma from
the Emperor's New Groove.

I always have to remember
to play nice with the other kids
because they are people not playthings
and you shouldn't hurt other people
because it is wrong.

And I've done it all and
I've seen it all
but I can't find a feeling
like that.

Pain and Anguish

So, I'm going through the loads of papers that I kept writing throughout high school. I have an extensively detailed diary that I've kept since 2007. So why the hell are significant names missing? The boyfriend before my current fiance isn't mentioned at all. All I can find of my first love are literally quotes I've written down. They take up pages and pages of journal, so why in the name of GOD didn't I detail it like I remember.

So I'm searching through my computer looking for all the correspondence that I've had with these people, and all this stuff pops up. Rereading it is painful but hilarious at the same time. There is so much energy in these words. There's tons of emotions in all of this writing and I find it incomprehensible that at one point I literally couldn't numb myself to all of this. The writing is incredibly extensive and painfully truthful, but at the same time we protected ourselves so fiercely. Honesty tempered with fear.

"You take care of everyone and keep everybody sane"

The word memorize pains me.

I'm not sure if thats how love is supposed to be. These days, it's a lot less dramatic, thankfully.

In any case, I've been feeling horribly melancholy today. Hence the pain and anguish. You may all carry on with your lives now!