I'm Alright

"We lost touch
we lost in love
we lost our minds when things got tough
but
beating time is a losing fight
and I guess I'm doing alright."
~Jo Dee Messina


There are people I've danced with
and I can't remember all of their names
and this bothers me.
I've danced as much as I could
with what I've been given
and I dance in my imagination
and in my dreams
to all of the music I know.

I write because
I hurt all over
because the pills that I take
don't work and it is frustrating
and because the words have to mean something
I have to believe in something
and I write because I have stories and
I want to tell them sometime
I want to live on in my words
achieving immortality in some way or another
does that make me self centered?

oh well, my supposed self centered-ness aside,
I can dance in my living room now
I have a living room large enough and clean enough
and a person who's happy enough to dance with  me
who told me
whenever we dance, I want to kiss you.
I fall in love when we clean the kitchen
and when we yell at each other from across the rooms
and waking up gives me terrible satisfaction
because what if it is all a dream?
What if I'm still trapped
still stuck?
What if this walk forward is all temporary
one step forward
ten steps back?

But what if it isn't?
What if these plans I'm slowly building
amount to something so very beautiful

Spending
my life bowing
down to the wants
and whims and opinions of
others has been fucking exhausting.

I'm beyond
tired of it.

So a few nights ago
I posted a picture and
let a part of my nature be
known.
Some say that it has always been known.
Others are acting like it is
a huge surprise.

I'm not really sure
if it is passive aggressive or
aggressive-aggressive.
But I plan on digging my heels in.

Sigh

Days that I am
counting down towards
take the longest. I ceased doing
that many years ago, counting down days
until that certain event happens. I do better with 1-2 days
of preparation rather than weeks of stressing, even if it is excited
stressful.
For the last week, my mind
has been a relatively pleasant
place to be around, or so says
everyone. I assume it is somewhere
between anticipation and the extreme
exhaustion that my job leads to. I don't know
what makes me feel more tired, dogs all night or
toddlers all day. Either way, though, doing it for days
in a row makes my brain turn to mush. It may be pleasant
for the people around me, because a lot less pisses me off outwardly
when I'm tired, but the reality is that all the hostility is just building.
The way of the personalHulk includes being angry all the time
it is just the learning to control it that is the hard part.

I am angry
I am complaining about
wanting to be solitary
and then complaining about being
lonely during my days and nights
but the reality is that being alone is not being alone
if there are 40 dogs there, or 2 toddlers, because
even if I feel horribly lonely
I cannot be alone
with all the barking and
the talking
and the screaming
and the squealing.
It is impossible.
But you can be alone
with another person.

Which is something I'm looking forward to
multiple times for the rest of the year.

This is not what I wanted to write about
but alas,
happiness and excitement
mixed with exhaustiveness and frustration
are not producing
good results.

Dear Anonymous

Two days ago, this is what happened.

~*~*~*~

Anonymous person on my tumblr: How could you let yourself go so much? Are you even trying to loose your baby weight?

My Answer: Wow. How brave of you to ask me that. Did it make you feel better? On another note, though, I’d probably be glad to answer your questions if you’d tell me who you are. Besides an asshole, of course.

~*~*~*~**~*~

This is what I wrote, afterwards:

Just a thought for the day after receiving my first piece of anonymous hate here on tumblr.

I am so sorry for everyone who has to deal with this bullshit. It does indeed hurt when random jackasses take the time and energy to write hurtful things. And on top of it, they are cowardly and weak for not telling you their names.

I don’t send things on anonymous. I believe in being accountable for the words you speak and write. It is why I am really careful with what I write and say to people. Have I made mistakes and fucked up badly? Of course I have. But I take responsibility and apologize.

So come off anon and say it to my face. Inasmuch as tumblr is, in any case. Maybe we can actually have a real-life conversation!

As a side note, being fat is not a bad thing. I’m not a bad person. Being fat does not equal bad. Being fat does not mean unhealthy either.

So, these are my thoughts.

~*~*~*~*~~*

Those were my thoughts at that point. It was two days ago.

Today, I am angry. Who are you, anonymous person, to question who I am and what I look like? Let myself go? Am I "even trying"? Here's the thing. I try every day. I try so fucking hard every day to get up out of bed and take care of my kids and feed everyone and on top of that fight huge amounts of depression and heartache. I have to schedule doctors appointments, make meals, plan outings, wash clothes, clean up messes and try not to swear like a sailor. 

I struggle, like many women, with my body image, but I'm not eighteen anymore. That body wasn't particularly well cared for either, I might add. I fucked up my body with a twin pregnancy and lack of exercise and a general lack of money and disregard for what I put in my body as well as a penchant for self loathing that manifests itself in myriad physical ways. I'm trying to change my lifestyle, a little at a time, but it is hard when you are trying to keep everyone's head above water. I am still working on loving myself. Some days I hate how I look. Most days I just tolerate it, because holy crap, I have so much else to worry about these days. Me being fat is truth. There is more fat on this body than there was 3 years ago. Some of that is my fault. Some of it isn't. I could work harder and diet more and lose all this weight. Some days I go for it. Some days I don't or can't. 

 I would assume that by saying this to me, you are trying to hurt me, and you would be correct. My love for myself isn't yet so great that it is not affected by what other people say to me. So congratulations, you have succeeded in what you wanted, which is to make me upset. Honestly, though, with me, it doesn't take much, so the reality is that you set that bar pretty low.

Some people are naturally gifted with the ability to juggle children. I'm not. It is a skill and a hard one to maintain and upkeep. Some days I enjoy it, others are I do not. I love my kids. They challenge me, excite me, make me love harder than I've ever loved. But I take my responsibilities to them seriously, which means some days all I can do is sleep at the end. 

But I am the same person I was. I have the same eyes. I love the same things. Fat or not, I am a decent person and at the end of the day, I am not making anonymous, hate-filled comments on the internet. I am myself. I am evolving and changing and gaining and losing and rising and falling. I am struggling and succeeding and failing. I am loving myself and hating myself and bettering myself even as I feel parts of me waste away. 

And anonymous, since I have a sneaking suspicion I may have known you in another life, I am sorry if and when I hurt you. There were and are deeply ugly parts of my life that even if I am open about, I am not proud of. I am sorry if I hurt you. Whoever you may be.