morning thoughts

Sometimes
you reach out and touch me
or you say "I love you " casually
I feel like I'm burning.
Please stop
but don't ever stop.

____________________________
I find myself secretly terrified
little ones
that the only way I'll appreciate you
is when you are not by my side
because when you are here I am frustrated
and angry. But when you aren't here,
I am so very sad and lonely.
These are not new feelings to cope with
but new tiny people that these feelings are
about and what do I do with them?

"You can't take a picture of this, it's already gone."

I adorn myself daily
with the jewelry of a dead woman
partly because I don't want to forget her
and partly
because I don't want her to forget me.
I wear her on my hand, because I use them daily
for good or for evil
and on my ears
because
I want to hear the truths and lies that are
thrown at me daily.
Her wolves are on my walls
and my dreams are caught by her.

I mourn for her
mildly
quietly
daily
and even if my beliefs
are all willy-nilly
I know that I
will see her again.

I started reading
The Sandman comics
by Neil Gaiman.
I know, I know
I'm incredibly late
to the game
but they are beautiful and
sad. I have trouble
describing it, because the stories are
intricate and dark and lovely and
ugly and
I love them.

Going back to old places is always interesting. I have a distinct horror of it. There are even some places on the internet that give me stomachaches if I stay on them for longer than 30 seconds.

Dear xanga and myspace, you are painful and embarrassing. Please delete yourself, as well as the things I wrote on fanfiction.net. Oh my gosh, just looking at that stuff, even the titles, makes me turn red, literally. I thought I was so cool, because I simply had a forum for horrible characters. Oh, the horror.

On the other hand, rereading what I used to read is fantastic. These stories were wonderful back when I was in middle and high school and they are excellent as an adult. I really can't believe that I understood this back then and that it is readable now.

Unfortunately, my ability to read terrible things has vastly deteriorated. It pretty much has to be at least decent for me to be able to read a story or a book. I know, I'm a snob. I'm okay with that. It pretty much makes sure that I keep my sanity.

Ugh, xanga. Go die please. I can't believe the way I wrote back then. It was truly awful. I can't look at it for too long. Yeesh.

In other news, my kids are making me crazy. I'll be going out of town this weekend, though and I'm going to miss them like crazy.... they make me so wacky all the time, but then I get a chance for me to be alone with my husband for a while and I feel so sad thinking about them doing all their funny, sweet, silly stuff with people who aren't me. They love to run up to me and smile big, or they will take my hand and run me over to where they are. I yell "GUYS!" and their heads pop up like daisies and they run over to me. I play music and they dance with me. They sleep with trucks instead of stuffed animals. They come over for hugs and give me kisses. They fight over who gets to sit in my lap. They run so fast it makes me a little afraid. They love brooms and dustpans and are constantly trying to hit each other and me with them. They love my phone. They try to bite their dad on the leg or toes. They climb on the recliner and rock themselves back and forth for an hour. They cuddle and try to eat all the cookies. They LOVE apple juice and they almost never get it. They make HUGE messes and then they help clean up everything. Everyone tries to buy them everything but their favorite stuff is the things that I buy them. That is such a tiny thing, but it makes me smile.

They come up and try to make me smile. They love the sound of me playing the guitar. They always play in the bath. They love it when you spray them with water. They can go to a restaurant and behave relatively well for over an hour.

I love them. A lot. Even when they make me crazy. Which is generally how I feel by 6 pm, or whenever my husband gets here. And I will miss them this weekend.