Tonight
is so difficult
I don't know if all
teenagers are this difficult
I like to think that I wasn't
but obviously I'm pretty biased
but the one I'm watching
does the opposite
of whatever I ask him
whatever I tell him
tried to run away
leaves without
telling you
where
he is
going.

He screams
when he doesn't get his
way, bangs on the
walls, acts belligerent, screws with
me but when his parents get home,
I'm sure it will
be my fault for walking around with a
target on my back. Of course.
I don't know what to do
it is problematic to say the least
and it is getting dark out
and I say come inside!
and he says
I do what I want
I don't have to
I don't give a-

WHAT AM I STILL HERE?
What do I do with this person?
How am I supposed to be
an effective guardian
watchman, babysitter whatever
IF THE PERSON I AM WATCHING
WON'T EVEN TRY TO DO
ANYTHING I SAY?

Maiden, Mother, Crone

As I drove home tonight
the thought sprang into
my head
I played the crone
tonight.

And it was a true thought
a real one
and even though it came
while listening to country music
that was telling me that
the South is the best
and to praise the Lord
it was my first thought
that the God
who might be a Goddess
to me
might have let me play another aspect
Hecate, maybe
or Diana
and instead of the
Father, son and holy ghost
there is the maiden, mother
and crone

I am a maiden
playing mother
who was the crone tonight
I listened
and gave advice
paid for the meal
and just let things be

and next time I spend time
with that particular friend
I will be maiden
while we dance

but tonight I was
the crone
and I was satisfied
and perhaps I shall be
maiden tonight
for the moon is out
but for certain
I will be mother tomorrow

Dear Dad

Ever since I was little
my dad used to give me the
first or last or middle
sip of his
coke or diet coke
or Dr. Pepper.
Or he'd get home and giving
me the last of his bottle of
whatever soda.
and I have always loved it.
And today when he got home
and I ran into him, because we
parked at the same time
and he smiled at me
gave me a hug
and gave me the last of his Dr.Pepper ten
and it made me remember
all the sodas we've shared.
And all the of the conversations
and it can be pretty fantastic
hanging out with my dad.
We both love animals
and video games
and hellboy
and constantine
and soda (coke for all the texans, hell yea and praise the lord)
and battlestar galactica
and sushi
and pianos
and guitars
and music
and Michelle Branch
and Taylor Swift
and Aunt Darlene
and we both have short tempers
and loud middle fingers when we drive
and we love trucks
and science fiction

I love you Dad

Falling

Stop releasing singles
before your new album
Taylor Swift
Or I will just buy them all
and then I'll have to buy
the CD as well
monetarily, this could get
problematic
and also my children
are starting to scream when I play
you
because I am playing it too much
Thanks for that Taylor
PS. Your music is fantastic
and is getting better

I've managed to avoid Chick fil a
since the whole debacle
I love the chicken
but fuck it
I will not support
your shitty so called
biblical family values
when you have obviously  never
read the bible.

Learning the music for choir
has been lovely
My piano is in storage
and I can't learn it near
as fast as I could
if I had something to practice on
ugh
but the music is so pretty
must practice
if only my laptop could pretend it was
a piano
which it can't
I'm sure there's programs for this somewhere

my kids love to run
around naked
not really naked
but relatively speaking
which can be alternately
annoying and hilarious
and tiresome
and sometimes they
run up to me and chastise
me in their own language
which does occasionally make me
feel kind of bad
but mostly I just
find it funny
because they do it to anyone
and everyone they can
They are totally related
to me.
Oh dear

sometimes I wonder if I
am speaking in abstract terms
or a different language
because my husband
or my dad
or other people
don't seem to hear me when I speak
or they don't react, they
just keep going and going
and I am not really sure
whether it is my fault.

I asked if my husband was reading
this and he said yes I read it last night.
and then I said, what do you think?
and he said, about what?

Just
like
that.


Seriously?
Seriously!


Sigh
how is that a hard question
how are we grown ups already?
how can I be more grown up?
why can't jobs just come more easily?
everything is so hard
and I know I'm not the only person
who feels this way
but I also feel so silly for
complaining about stuff
that people totally have worse

but I'm still real
still here
and my problems are still real

generic day post

These days
I am tired every day
but I am trying to make sure
that my kids are happy
that my husband is happy
that my parents are happy
so the me being happy part
often feels like it is the last
thing on the list

My husband brought
me red roses yesterday
when he came home
for no reason
just because
I wonder what his reasoning
is
but maybe it is just because
and the roses are lovely
and they make everything
smell good

this week has been long
and it will be
until saturday afternoon maybe
but even then
it will be long
because sunday is respect life sunday
and that means mass will be long
and full of pejoratives
about women
and I don't know if I love singing the music
enough to ignore it
my dad told me to go to the bathroom then
which made me laugh
because the idea of taking a dump
while someone is actively telling others
lies
is hilariously horrible
which pretty much sums up
what I might be doing
on sunday


In any case,
at least no one personally tries to
convince me to be pro-life
on a daily basis
my mom talks about it sometime
but not enough for it to be more
than just kind of annoying
which is handle- able
for the most part


long long days

I miss you

Letter to someone who is never far from my mind- good or bad

Dear J-

This is River
Just so you know
I remember you from the beginning of high school
in 2005
I remember the night after Scottish Festival
where you stayed up with me
the whole night long
and heard me cry
and our plans to run away to
a beach in mexico
a private one
I lost you
and I still can't find you
although I swear one day I will
I swear it
by all the gods
Remember planning the worlds' best
Valentine's day?
Remember calling me to tell me that
Pluto was no longer a planet?
Remember me telling you that missouri city
was almost as close to the woodlands
as it was pasadena
we laughed over my sense of direction
for literal years
Remember me asking how Spiky was
but it didn't really matter any more
because he didn't care about us.
Remember the first time I called
where I actually called Spiky
and you picked up
and I assumed you were his boyfriend
because you were apparently wrapping
Christmas presents together
(I can't believe how well I remember all of this)
Remember me texting you every time
my mom drove me through Pasadena
I still look for you whenever I'm in that general area
I curse my younger self
for not getting specifics
where you worked
all I know is that I drive by your old high school
at least twice a year
and I think
where could you be?
 Your town isn't that big
but where are you now?
You missed my senior year
which went crazy halfway through
you missed it
and I missed you
Remember how in love with that one girl
you were?
Remember how my name is River?
Remember how you taught me
how to feel better during my first year of high school?
I still have your letters
they are in my cigar boxes
and I miss you
I wish you could know my life
J.O
if you read this
my number is the same
I miss you

damn

Hello today
fully of Once Upon a Time
Grey's Anatomy
666 Park Avenue
all of which made me smile at some point
but Battlestar Galactica win all of you
except for maybe Once Upon A Time
maybe

Sleepy sleepy
sleepy
from a night of tossing
and turning
Being this sleepy feels weird
and it is harder to get cool
to cool off
and to fall asleep again

and the children
are happy and screamy
and they like to knock on the walls

I have a brother-in-law
my husbands' older brother
he is 30
but looks younger
a priest
handsome and muscular
and funny and smart
he came over saturday
and brought the kids
birthday gifts
because
he missed their birthday
last week


Watching him and my husband
is funny
because they look so similar
and they both have the same laugh
he got the boys
Mr. Potato Heads
which they are both currently
solely playing with
and we all watched The Avengers
and screamed
and said THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART
incidentally
my brother in law
said that MUCH more than I did
and we discussed
how uncomfortable Black Widows' outfit looked

and I felt like he could be a part of my family
too
which is a pleasant feeling
I've missed him
we don't see each other longer than 20 minutes
or so
every month
mostly he hangs out with his parents
and I don't see him
and I can't really invite him
because we aren't in my place


damn.