I miss you

Letter to someone who is never far from my mind- good or bad

Dear J-

This is River
Just so you know
I remember you from the beginning of high school
in 2005
I remember the night after Scottish Festival
where you stayed up with me
the whole night long
and heard me cry
and our plans to run away to
a beach in mexico
a private one
I lost you
and I still can't find you
although I swear one day I will
I swear it
by all the gods
Remember planning the worlds' best
Valentine's day?
Remember calling me to tell me that
Pluto was no longer a planet?
Remember me telling you that missouri city
was almost as close to the woodlands
as it was pasadena
we laughed over my sense of direction
for literal years
Remember me asking how Spiky was
but it didn't really matter any more
because he didn't care about us.
Remember the first time I called
where I actually called Spiky
and you picked up
and I assumed you were his boyfriend
because you were apparently wrapping
Christmas presents together
(I can't believe how well I remember all of this)
Remember me texting you every time
my mom drove me through Pasadena
I still look for you whenever I'm in that general area
I curse my younger self
for not getting specifics
where you worked
all I know is that I drive by your old high school
at least twice a year
and I think
where could you be?
 Your town isn't that big
but where are you now?
You missed my senior year
which went crazy halfway through
you missed it
and I missed you
Remember how in love with that one girl
you were?
Remember how my name is River?
Remember how you taught me
how to feel better during my first year of high school?
I still have your letters
they are in my cigar boxes
and I miss you
I wish you could know my life
J.O
if you read this
my number is the same
I miss you