If I never Knew you

In my head
we sit next to each other
not talking too much
and maybe discussing what sushi we want to order
how long was the drive?
He always complains no matter what
so I just smile
and we order various things
and talk and pretend like we barely know
each other
because it is pretty hard to
ignore four years of history
even with all the pain.

You will probably make fun
of what I order
no matter what it is
and I'll touch your hair
as much as possible
but we'll avoid skin contact
and eye contact
and we'll scream about how much
we love the birthday girl
because that's what we are there for, right?

I don't know how painful
the day will be
I am a little afraid
and a little excited
and then
you might not be there
and then what was all this for?

Why is it that in my mind
I see you as kind
but when I see you for real
we can't.stop. hurting.

" So you were never a saint
and I loved in shades of wrong
we learn to live with the pain
mosaic broken hearts"

"of course. i miss you."
"would it really be so bad seeing me?"

We tried our hardest to be together
for years
and then we threw it away so quickly
it was like tripping.

I wonder what it is like for
the people who are just friends with you
who have never looked at you and
been in pain
who have never steadfastly looked down their parents
and did not give up every freedom she had
every six months.
I wonder what it is like to look at you
and never have loved you.

I often think it might be easier
but then where would I be?