NOT THIS DAY!

Fuck,
I've been slacking like crazy in my writing.
I knew something felt off the last few days.
Normally I can crank out some per day
but the last week has felt overcast and dreary as hell.
This day is no different, but I'm actively doing my best to make it better
and figure out my future.
Plan and play
try to make money somewhere
keep up my writing
take care of the kids
pretend to clean once in a while
figure out financial stuff
smoke a cigar
sing all of the music!
See Les Miserables as much as I can
and then buy it on blu-ray.
See my friends
eat leftovers
and pho.
Read a million books and
go back to school.
Make money
play hard
love hard
live.

These are the basic life ambitions of mine.
Things I should do involve
losing weight
finding a house
finding an apartment
run
read
write
go back to school
make money
find job

I spent a good few hours with friends yesterday
and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel insecure about friends a lot, because as many people have
there have been times I have misjudged people
and times they have misjudged me and that can be difficult
but these friends, whether I'm one-on-one, just the three of us or
two couples together, always make me feel normal and funny. We
can talk the hard, difficult stuff and we often do, but a great deal of the
time is spent laughing. Hysterically.
They make me think and laugh and talk. A lot.
I know I have a place on their couch and they know that
we always have a place for them on ours.

I've been reading fanfiction lately. I have to say, the
quality has vastly improved since I was last involved in
that particular community. Granted, I was extremely young
last time I was playing in this area, so I can't really judge whether
it has gotten better or my comprehension has gotten better,
but once again, stories are fuel to my fire and reading stories that
play with characters that I love is deeply enjoyable for me. So there's that.
I'm trying to read as much as possible without spending money. And
I could go to the library, but I could also read free fanfiction and review it
and enjoy playing in the various universes.
And oh, how I do.

I wish I could write about how I feel about all the things
I read about on the websites I read.
The feminist stuff.
I wish I could articulate how I feel about choice
and prostitution
and sex work in general
and the patriarchy
and how to make feminism inclusional
and how women are treated in the religion
I grew up in.
And I'm working on it.
I'm talking about it.
But I want to write about it.
And be open about it.

Maybe one day I'll stop writing like an amateur poet
and actually write the way I want to,
BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY!

My Mama's Broken Heart

Things that have broken my heart.

Reading old journals.
Sherlock
Merlin
Buffy
Angel.
Being told that he loved someone else.
some song.
discussing politics.
discussing religion.
feeling abandoned
When I'm attracted to someone.
staircases
friends looking at tall buildings
Several stories.
my inability to make good choices.
The fact that I NEVER have enough money.
Seeing old loves.
my kids being difficult.
all the life choices that are so difficult these days.

Happy Birthday, Love.

Hi you
So it was your birthday a few days ago
and I feel like the worst person ever
because I didn't get you anything.
Even though I gave you fifty dollars
and you said that was okay
I feel like it isn't.
And you won't tell me what you want
for Christmas
and it is upsetting me
because even if I don't have money
I want you to be happy.

And that is what it comes down to
More than anything in my life,
I want you to be happy.
More than my own life.
And you piss me off sometimes
and you break little bits of my heart
in ways that I never thought possible,
but that is the truth of it.

We are best friends and
I've had many of those and
I know that means pain to some degree
because you know me well enough to hurt me
but also well enough to love me
more than anyone.

You love me when I'm sweaty
and when I'm gone the majority of the day
and when I steal your socks
and your 3DS
and when I don't want to play
with you.
And when I'm angry at the kids
or you
and you make me smile
and sometimes you stand outside the shower
and talk to me while I wash my hair.
And deal with my weird questions
and my constant music
and for a long time
 you dealt with my various hostilities
with extreme finesse considering who I
Was being difficult with.

You are my perfect mix of man
and child.
We play together and work together
and I enjoy that.
Try not to be so hostile
and I'll do my best not to
as well.

I love you
and Happy Birthday.

annoying, annoy, annoyed

Some days
I watch Gossip Girl
and I can't always tell
if Upper East Siders make
me feel worse, because I can't
afford their clothes or their problems
or better, because who would want that
kind of laundry bill
or those kind of problems.
Who the fuck knows.

I haven't felt inspired if
a few days.
It is deeply depressing.
I feel deeply depressed.
I feel like there is a huge mess
everywhere.
My car is fucked up and it is definitely
going to be a few hundred dollars, at the very least
and I don't really have that at all.
But it is going to have to happen
so I will have my inspection
so I can re-register my car
so I can go to court and get my
non moving violation ticket paid
or waived
or whatever it is people do with those.
I am so fucked.

So who knows where all my inspiration
has gone
maybe it needs to be washed in my laundry
or given away to goodwill
because it has been very difficult finding
it
or maybe I need to go for a walk
which would be a lot easier
if the autumn weather would stick
around for longer than a day at a time.
but it gets hot all the time
I wish it were colder
even though I hate the cold.
it would be easier to go outside
and maybe clear my head
it has been a long '
difficult
week.

And it won't be over
metaphorically or literally
for a long while,
fuck.