Positive Affirmations (?)

Quiet day today

full of minor tummy aches

which is nothing new, sadly

minor aches of the tummy 

alleviated by texts that remind me

that I am someone's friend, that I can
be good and kind and still have boundaries
that temporary loss of faith and outward insanity
does not mean that those who love me have stopped
loving me.

Do not tell me
that the my traumas are not important
that the difficulties of marriage equate the
my ages of 12 through 20
because it insults me
and makes you
seem
ridiculous.

I will not go to Mass
for Easter. I will not pretend that
I believe in the rules and destiny a Church
that has no love for my sex and sexuality and
no concept that its hypocrisy alienates more than it binds
and these are not my only problems with it.
And most certainly not the only valid problems with it.

I reject alienation
because I have friends
and loves, even if they are made of mostly past
and slightly present.
I believe that I am loved
that my friends hold my hand as I walk toward cliffs
to slow me down
and that in most cases
being kinder is better.

And I believe wholly in my
autonomy, that my body is my own and no one else's
that I choose the things I do to it and with it
and that my mind and body are capable
of great things, even in the midst of exceptional difficulty.
Whether I lose weight or stay the same,
if I continue to not have tattoos or
cover my body in ink
whether I make cookies or quinoa with my friends
whether I have more children or never again
it is my choice.

I accept that my fears
of sharks, various water-based beings
being rejected, public transit, large crowds,
clowns, and drowning may all be perceived as odd.
What
ever.

And I believe that even if these words
feel choppy and difficult
tomorrow
or even tonight
may be better.

In Which I Forgot that this formal makes me feel extremely verbose.

My  body is not an apology.
it may be larger than what I have been used to
but it is functional
and lovely
and frustrating
but it is mine
and my love hate affair with my body
is mine and mine alone

my hair is shot through with red
if I didn't like it, i wouldn't wear it
so stop looking at me like
it is bad
or it is dumb.
my hair
my body
Why is it so hard to figure out
Both me and you
that my body is mine
not yours
and it always has been.

"tattoos are not welcome in my house"
are you crazy?
a tattoo is not a person
a person is not a tattoo
Who cares?
Only someone who is obssessed
with appearances
Which is sad
but also extremely tiring to even think about
and kind of offensive

But I'm not allowed to be offended
I can only offend
"Watch your words
you might hurt someone's feelings
or bring up a mother's protective instinct
you get that right?"
no I don't
I am a mother
but when your child is violent
and painful
and slammed a door into my shoulder
multiple times and tried to frighten my
children by howling and screaming and we
could not get away from you
do not ask me to remember that you were kind
the next day
because you still don't listen to me
when I say I don't want a hug.

Telling someone "I am tired"
is not a personal offense
nor is "the sky is blue"
"the grass is green"
"my pants are clean"
whatWhatWHAT?
Don't be angry
when I tell you I am tired
i am always tired
i have twin two year old boys
I am never not tired
my free time is minimal
my eyes are never totally awake
It is rare I get more than 5-6 hours a night
and my eyes refuse to close
while my children take naps.

When I sing in choir
that is when my soul is still
when I sing for my children
and they quiet and listen to me
my soul gladdens
but when they whine
the world looks darker
but they come to me for comfort and love
and they desire my approval
which is fascinating for so many reasons
mostly because I want my mothers approval still
and I am no where near
their two year world.

I miss old lovers some days
not for the love
but the friendship
some of them have changed so radically
I'd never know them
the atheist pot smoking troublemaker
is a born again evangelical christian
so his big mouth has gone in a
completely different direction
and one who blocked me
so I can't see who or where he is
he hates me though
I broke him
and the one who was a total dork when I dated him
but now is ripped and has a lovely body
but still to me is the dorkiest of the sweet dorks.
I have such funny,  sweet memories of these people
sweet kisses, but sweeter conversations
funny moments in spanish and precalculus
the song that someone said
was our song
that I've never been able to stop
listening to.
even though it makes me tear
every. single. time.

When I sing in the choir
I know the notes or the words
by heart
OR
not both
which gets extremely annoying due to
how difficult some of the music
really is
most of the people there are so nice
I forget what it is like to interact
with groups of adults, or
semi-adults.
People behave, sort of
but they sing
and it is like magic