Calling out Winter

The Light by The Album Leaf
(instrumental)


I don't know what's worse
in the heat of the moment
my jaw unhinged
or was it the buzz
but I told a half truth
and now I know which is worse

the us that was
is probably just you and me
(separate)
now
and
I know that you
don't know me anymore.

So perhaps some love lost
pause
rewind
erase
tape over
forget
the giant hole in my stomach.

Splinters

"I will always remember you
watching me walking away."
Meant by Elizaveta

"Your name is the splinter
inside me."
Joshua Radin


That last lyric
breaks me every
single time I hear it.
I know how that is.
I know what that is.
I live it, because there are splinters
and names inside me all day every day.
I'm sure some of these names know who they
are and there are others who know and don't care
and others still who never knew how much they became intrinsic
parts of me. I hold onto these names and I tell people that it is because
they make good stories, and I'm sure they do, just as I'm sure that I will tell
the stories one day, but the truth is, is that I've let these splinters stay, because the
pain of splinters stuck in my flesh is worth the remembrance of times past.

These splinters have sliced my hands when I slapped them
and became a part of me, sucked into my bloodstream
because when I was angry at them, they became intrinsic parts of me
how I remember and relate.
But now, where they came from is irrelevant to a certain degree because
there are now bits of wood and glass and steel, all with various names
and dates and deeds floating about it in my body
These are the prettiest and ugliest bits of me.
Splinters of people who touched me and set me on fire
and people who spoke words that remind me that family is choice
and that I will be loved despite the overwhelming prevalence of ugliness
that is inside of me.

There are splinters of people who
I text Thrift Shop lyrics to every other day
and see almost every Sunday
and people I talk to once every two months
and we are warriors and friends and sometimes
domestic as fuck and at other times we are gods of bagpipes and feminism
and splinters of a person I knew once all too well
but his god is not my own and I am broken in his eyes because
I do not believe that I need to be saved.
And splinters of people that are in the downward swing of our friendship
but because I know everything is a circle, they will swing upwards
and splinters of people who have been close to my heart
since I met them.
These splinters can be painful
but they bring so much beauty, that it is worth the pain.


On a sillier note, every time
Welcome to the Black Parade
comes on
I turn it off
unless it is just me listening to it.
There is the true confessions of my life.
And dancing around like a muppet is to this song
is one of them.

Ouch my heart

Music by Joshua Radin
is the most melancholy of music
and every time I hear it
I feel my stomach start to hurt.
I love it and it is so raw and beautiful

I always forget that it seems to be specifically
designed to hurt me when I hear it
that there are corners of my heart that crumple into
themselves when I hear the voice
and the sounds
because even if all I have is beautiful
sometimes all I hear is
"I could lost myself in the rough
blue waters of your eyes and I
miss you still."

And then I have to put something else on
because ouch my heart

Wreck it Ralph

Just had a fantastic date.
Saw Wreck-it Ralph with my favorite person
and it was cold outside
and we held hands and
ate good food
and got coffee afterwards
and I felt all warm and fuzzy like
I rarely do
and it was wonderful and pleasant.

The quote from the movie that I liked best was
the Bad Guy 'Serenity' prayer of sorts
"I am bad and that's good. I will never be good
and that's not bad. There is no one I would
rather be than me."
Fantastic writing and lovely animations
lots of laughs and a few awww moments
which I liked. Very clever.
Jane Lynch, as usual, outshone everyone and
her best line was
"It looks like Doomsday and Armageddon just had a baby. And it is ugly." She
was by far the funniest, smartest, baddest ass character.
Definitely want her hair, attitude and just general awesomeness.

Wintertime reminds me of falling in love.
The cold reminds me that there were times
when I wanted to hold his hand
that walking around with her made the darkness
feel romantic and not scary.
There were leather jackets whose pockets I
snuck my hands in
and times when I went to Starbucks and had
tons of coffee.
And walking around Town Square with them.
In the cold I fall in love.
And in this cold I fall in love with him
all over again.
And it feels good.

Autumn/winter

Remembrance of fall and winter to me is
Salted caramel
and peppermint.
Wintergreen taste and smells
like new love.
Warm coats and
holding hands for warmth.
Wearing tights and boots
laughing as my breath
turns to smoke.
Missing the smell of chlorine
but driving with the windows down.
Remembering old loves
mixed with new loves
walking around with friends
getting coffee and loving the
heat of it.
The feeling of warmth inside your
clothes
as the cold tries to seep in
Keeping my hair down
trying to keep my neck warm.
Michelle branch always in my cd player.
Making cookies
and wrapping presents.
Smoking cigars with sweet smelling
smoke
Hoping that family stays happy
this year
but knowing my friends will stay the
same.