The sky isn't that nice today
and I don't feel that great
because jobs aren't forthcoming
and a house or an apartment feels
a long way away even though it may be pretty short
But I just bought something for our new place
a little hellboy figurine
because I want my place
to feel like mine
wherever I am
so in my new place
I want to only have stuff I love
if it is mine
than I better like it
or I'm getting rid of it.
Hang my dreamcatcher on the wall
put my rainbow cactus on my golden bookshelf
and my little statues
and one day a little model firefly to remind me
that no one can take the sky from me.

and I'll play Les Miserables all the time
and enjoy Battlestar Galactica on occasion
and have my own couch to sit on
with my person
and invite over friends
and make my own fucking smoothies
and have fun with my kids in their room
and cook all the crappy food ever.
It will be awesome.
And now I feel better.

I am so dreadfully lonely right now.

My room is cleaner
the clothes are hanging in the closet and
most of the trash is gone. Thankfully,
most of this was done this weekend and I'm doing
my best to enjoy the clean and to keep it
where it is or better.
A lot of this weekend was spent cleaning
and it makes me super happy

except even with a clean room
the day dragged on and I'm tired
and I can't get a nap
so I feel depressed and tired
but at the same time, I 'm looking at the
future and it looks significantly brighter with
 a cleaner room. Not perfect
still needs a few hours work
but the future looks brighter
and I'm significantly less angry than I am
most days.

Dark.

Some nights the taste of love is sweet
and there is laughter in this room
where we tussle, play, fight,
make love.
and then talk until we sleep.
There is a general sense of peace and love
here
on some nights.

And then there are nights like tonight
where the dark feels black and cold
and I am full of rage
and our tussling takes on a pained flavor
and he falls asleep
and it is silent.
and there is grief in the air
and anger.
And I do not want to be here anymore.

Tonight I feel alone as he sleeps besides me
and being lonely sucks. For everyone.
So off to bed. A thousand books
should clear my head.

In another Life

In an alternate universe,
There are many things I might do differently
and I say in a different universe
because if I did things differently here, I might
change how things are now.
and I don't think I'd want to change.
But in an alternate universe.

I'd ask for help more throughout my life
but mostly I'd ask for help and tried to stay
in that first apartment.

I'd try harder as I was growing up
to learn to keep things neat
because it is harder to learn how
to keep it neat as I grow older.

I'd save my money starting my freshman year of high school.

I would play paintball as much as possible
and play as much as possible.

I would tell him that
I was sorry and that I want to be friends
even if we weren't meant to be one true loves.
I would tell several people that, actually.

I would refuse to kiss that guy for his first kiss.
I would flirt a lot more
and I would go running all the time
and I would brush my teeth twice a day, every day
and not ever skip.

I would stick to choir, even though I was pregnant
just so I could have something to do that was away and
that kept up my music.

I would have used protection
and not been ashamed.

I would continue going to therapy,
even if it is expensive.

I would take my meds more regularly.

I would have worked harder at school.

But now I work to change myself in the now, rather than the later.

NOT THIS DAY!

Fuck,
I've been slacking like crazy in my writing.
I knew something felt off the last few days.
Normally I can crank out some per day
but the last week has felt overcast and dreary as hell.
This day is no different, but I'm actively doing my best to make it better
and figure out my future.
Plan and play
try to make money somewhere
keep up my writing
take care of the kids
pretend to clean once in a while
figure out financial stuff
smoke a cigar
sing all of the music!
See Les Miserables as much as I can
and then buy it on blu-ray.
See my friends
eat leftovers
and pho.
Read a million books and
go back to school.
Make money
play hard
love hard
live.

These are the basic life ambitions of mine.
Things I should do involve
losing weight
finding a house
finding an apartment
run
read
write
go back to school
make money
find job

I spent a good few hours with friends yesterday
and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel insecure about friends a lot, because as many people have
there have been times I have misjudged people
and times they have misjudged me and that can be difficult
but these friends, whether I'm one-on-one, just the three of us or
two couples together, always make me feel normal and funny. We
can talk the hard, difficult stuff and we often do, but a great deal of the
time is spent laughing. Hysterically.
They make me think and laugh and talk. A lot.
I know I have a place on their couch and they know that
we always have a place for them on ours.

I've been reading fanfiction lately. I have to say, the
quality has vastly improved since I was last involved in
that particular community. Granted, I was extremely young
last time I was playing in this area, so I can't really judge whether
it has gotten better or my comprehension has gotten better,
but once again, stories are fuel to my fire and reading stories that
play with characters that I love is deeply enjoyable for me. So there's that.
I'm trying to read as much as possible without spending money. And
I could go to the library, but I could also read free fanfiction and review it
and enjoy playing in the various universes.
And oh, how I do.

I wish I could write about how I feel about all the things
I read about on the websites I read.
The feminist stuff.
I wish I could articulate how I feel about choice
and prostitution
and sex work in general
and the patriarchy
and how to make feminism inclusional
and how women are treated in the religion
I grew up in.
And I'm working on it.
I'm talking about it.
But I want to write about it.
And be open about it.

Maybe one day I'll stop writing like an amateur poet
and actually write the way I want to,
BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY!

My Mama's Broken Heart

Things that have broken my heart.

Reading old journals.
Sherlock
Merlin
Buffy
Angel.
Being told that he loved someone else.
some song.
discussing politics.
discussing religion.
feeling abandoned
When I'm attracted to someone.
staircases
friends looking at tall buildings
Several stories.
my inability to make good choices.
The fact that I NEVER have enough money.
Seeing old loves.
my kids being difficult.
all the life choices that are so difficult these days.

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years

I ran into an old friend on Sunday
and seeing him broke my heart
a little bit.
I sing in the choir and I spent almost the whole
Mass trying to figure out if that was him or not.
And I finally figured out it was him
and we gauged each other but finally
embraced.
I miss him
I miss our friendship and the way
you looked at me
and the way we switched jackets
so I could wear your letterman and
you could wear the coat. I remember
how I showed up to one of your soccer games
and how shocked you looked.
And we sat for a minute quietly in the pews
trying to remember days long gone by
and trying to remember who we are.
I miss you, love.
and I remember.

MOULIN ROUGE!

So, I spent a good deal of time when I was
younger loving the movie Moulin Rouge
and thinking it was wonderfully depressing and romantic
and that the costumes were beautiful and so was the music.
And it has been almost three years since I last saw it
and I watched it over the last two days.

Let me start out by saying that it is beautiful.
Or at least the costumes are.
Ewan McGregor has a fantastic voice, congrats
I liked you in something besides Star Wars.
The music was fantastic, especially Roxanne.
I also personally liked Come What May.

But- I watch it now.
And it is so freakishly possessive
and creepy.
Me and my feminist spidey sense
was TINGLING off the damn hook.
Christian is no better than the Duke
although the viewer is lead to believe he is
neither of them listen to her when she says no and
both of them have scenes with Satine where
they are verbally and physically abusive.
Isn't Christian supposed to be the good guy?
How did I miss all this?

On a random note, Ewan McGregor
has awesome teeth.

Getting back to this though,
he specifically puts her in danger
A LOT by not even trying to stay away from her.
Calling women "Diamond Dogs"
feels so far from respectful, I'm not entirely sure how to handle it.

So
Moulin rouge.
Yuck.
I need a hug.

Happy new Year

Writing fiction is hard.
I have fleeting ideas as to what I want to say but
it won't come out the way I want it to!
I have used the kindle fire a great deal
in the last few days
and there are feathers floating on my bedroom wall
and the dreams they catch are dark.
I miss the purr of my cats as they sit on
my back
but the pain of missing them is alleviated
by the smiles of my children.
One of the best statements I've ever read
thank you Captain Awkward and Shakesville
No is a complete sentence
I try to always remember that when dealing
with people.

The holiday season is finally over
but the Christmas tree is still up
and I can still see the train run around the tree.
and the sound is vaguely comforting
I've heard it in every house I've ever been in
at various points in the year and I associate it
with my father
and it is a pleasant memory.
Post holiday fun means
playing with Christmas toys
and drinking sparkling grape juice out of
champagne flutes
I have the prettiest ones, I assure you.
And reading all the new books.
Finishing visiting extended family and
back to normal things like choir and movie nights.
Sharing my music with various people
Wait for my TV shows to come back on
watch violent and awkwardly sexual things
Thanks American Horror Story
for helping me address some truly dreadful topics
once a week.

Playing 'Party in the USA' just to annoy my husband
and spending time with my friends.
New jeans and sweaters and coats
and cigars because it is cold outside,
hopefully, at least, because I still haven't gotten to that,
which is quite tragic and will have to be remedied soon.
And eating the leftover food
and writers block
all over the damn place.