There's a box
that I've had since I was
fourteen years old
and it is full of letters and
mementos
love letters I never sent
love letters people gave me
and goodbye letters
a few IDs and photos
that pain me to look at
and drawings
poetry that a man once
wrote to me
or about me
because thankfully
my last name was easy to rhyme with.
There's a letter from a man who claimed
I was the love of his life
and that he would never want any one
else, even though I'd broken his heart.
I don't know if that is still true
but I hope it is not.
There are notes between me and
my friends, because once we were in
our final year of high school
all we did was pass notes and
talk about everything and sometimes
I kept them and put them
in the big brown cigar box
because one day there will be a book
but for now, there is a box.
I keep the painful memories,
along with the beautiful ones,
locked in a box
or alternately on files
with strange names.
I really should print them out and put them
in the box, too.
Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
I haven't put anything in the box
in eight months
and that means that sometimes you
have to have hard copies of things that
made you cry
and that is what the box is for.
You can open it for an hour
and be entertained
or horrified
or just to remember love
and then close it.
and it will be gone until you decide to bring it back.

lists

Things that stress me out or scare me
aka a list post.



Clowns
scary movies
religious discussions
politics
swimming in anything but a pool
taxes
walking to my car in the dark
writing on my blog
putting in two pairs of earrings
wearing gold jewelry
whenever my phone rings and it isn't one of about 6 people
putting on clothes for the day
getting out of bed.
discussing medication or medical anything with most people
football. watching it or discussing it.
calling people out on sexist/racist/homophobic stuff
explaining that you can enjoy things and still view them as problematic
when my kids fall down.
going to court tomorrow.
cooking on occasion
getting stuck somewhere without a phone
holidays
christmas
easter
birthdays

Autumn/winter

Remembrance of fall and winter to me is
Salted caramel
and peppermint.
Wintergreen taste and smells
like new love.
Warm coats and
holding hands for warmth.
Wearing tights and boots
laughing as my breath
turns to smoke.
Missing the smell of chlorine
but driving with the windows down.
Remembering old loves
mixed with new loves
walking around with friends
getting coffee and loving the
heat of it.
The feeling of warmth inside your
clothes
as the cold tries to seep in
Keeping my hair down
trying to keep my neck warm.
Michelle branch always in my cd player.
Making cookies
and wrapping presents.
Smoking cigars with sweet smelling
smoke
Hoping that family stays happy
this year
but knowing my friends will stay the
same.

Terrified.

“I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand ; the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep; there are no words for that.”

― Brian Andreas, Story People: Selected Stories & Drawings of Brian Andreas

Terrifying moments in my life include
the times I have almost been caught
the times I have been caught,
changing into a leather barbarian outfit
suspecting I was pregnant,
waiting for the test to be done
2 minutes until my life is changed,
one way or another,
when the doctor came in and said
yes you are pregnant
when they said,
oh my gosh
and waited a full damn minute
to tell me it meant twins.
when I had the spinal epidural
and it hurt
but then I couldn't move
when they opened me up on the table
and my chest started to hurt
no one told me what was going on
and I was terrified.
When i first saw my twins
life was changed
radically and terrifying.
and everytime they fall
it scares me
but yesterday
when my husband went to the hospital
because we were afraid it was a stroke
that was terrifying
because I have no idea what
I'd do without him
besides give up.
glad it turned out okay
but still

Twitter

So I got myself a twitter
kind of.
It is by far, the oddest thing I have found
online so far.
Why are we restricting our thoughts to
140 characters.
I find it horribly limiting and awkward
but people have funny funny thoughts
and they publicize horrible things
and they call people names and
list them so you can see what horrible
things they've said.
It is an odd and mildly addictive place
to live.
I should probably stay off of it
but it is funny and entertaining and
a crazy level of horrible.
So I'll stick around.

Tweet, tweet.

Tuesday morning

Tuesday mornings with my sons
involve cartoons and cars
and trying to watch various shows
but mostly failing because my kids
laugh so loudly, it is impossible to hear
anything but the laughter.
and we make lots of breakfast
and try not to eat cookies
and steal shoes
and a chihuahua runs around trying to
lick everyone's faces.

Regardless of how I feel in the mornings
which is sick today
but more often tired or depressed or sad
there are smiles on their faces
and they are excited for the food and the toys
and the cartoons
and specifically, the ice maker.
Because pushing buttons makes
things come out!
It can get messy sometimes
or alternately at all times.

And now I'm tired today. It isn't cool outside
the children are quite obsessed with their birthday crowns
and I need to find something different to write about.
now.

Aunt Claire

I found out that on my husbands side
his great aunt had died. I found this out tonight, while I was
taking off my new witch outfit, and my husband had gone
downstairs to see how his parents were
because I had noticed that people were looking different.
So he went downstairs and stayed for a little while and came
back upstairs with a sad look on his face.
And he sat down and said
"Aunt Claire is dead."
And I said "No, no way, she can't be."
and then I felt like I was going to cry.

Because she was the nicest to me
always said the kindest things
and no double meanings
and I don't know when the the funeral is
and my chest has felt tight since I heard the news
and it is painful.

Saturday stuff

He said something yesterday
that made me smile.
he told me that he missed the apartment
and just me and him and
the kids.
and I have felt that way for a long time
since we left the apartment actually
and so, this made me smile.

Beyond that, I saw
Paranormal Activity 4 last night.
I screamed at least 8 times
and the theater full of people behind me
were doing the same thing
the last 5 minutes were definitely the most
frightening. 2 of those minutes ultimately proved
that even if everything is brightly lit,
horror in broad daylight is still
pretty fucking scary.

I started (again) the Vampire Diaries.
It is simultaneously good and bad.
and funny and silly.
I'm not too far in, but I want to catch up before the fourth
season goes insane. It is kind of cute
Here's hoping it gets better
or these people get smarter.
I like the idea of witches best.

I went through my writing and as
it turns out, I'm getting down about
5000 or so words a month.
Which is way up from the normal 1000
I was cranking out, but way down from
where I want to be. I want to make these
posts longer and I want to start (or continue)
writing fiction
but I'm not even sure where to begin.
It seems easier to journal the highs and lows
of my day but even then I'm not telling all of the
truth here.
There's few names and even fewer tellings of
where the connections are, I assume because I'm afraid
of people finding me.
or judging me.
Which is dumb for a multitude of reasons
because this is mine
my own
my precious......

Okay, all creepiness aside.
I'm a total fucking mess.
I have no motivation for anything, besides maybe writing
I want a job, but can't find one.
I hate cleaning, which makes my husband hate me.
I can't sleep well without Ambien.
I need a nap normally, but on a regular basis, I find myself having
trouble going to sleep.
I am waiting for my Halloween costume, but I have no where to go thats
technically appropriate to wear it.
I have a sexy costume, but I am fat so am I allowed to be sexy?
I hate 3D movies. I hate them so much. Going to the movies has
given me huge amounts of anxiety since I was little and so the advent
of movies where things intentionally jump out at you makes me
very afraid to set foot at or around movie theaters that show them.

circles

Some of the best days
I can remember
are the ones where me and mike
(my husband)
were together alone.
He used to have days off
sometimes
and the best ones were days
with blue skies
where we drove in cars
and the times where we
went to Renaissance Festival
and we would hang out
and watch movies together
and talk excessively
to the point where we would
fall asleep together.
Him trying to get me to stay awake
during some movies
or teaching me to play video
or computer games.
me reading to him
some of my favorite books
or the news
or whatever was going on that day.
or sitting snuggled together at church
and him waking me up whenever
it was time to
stand or kneel
laying in the grass
after having a strawberry daquiri
and the way he looked at me
like he was proud of me.
Sometimes I remember
how he was crazy or brave
and it still impresses
me.
falling in love in the middle of target
falling in love at a bar
where, while we talked
I rested my legs on his
and laughed
and hated how the beer smelled.
Or how he taught me to smoke
and to love cigars
something that carries on.
and the thousand times he's broken my
heart through little things
he's made it new with
a million more.
honeymooning in san antonio
or the way I always like the movies
he wants me to watch
even when I protest.
Or the way we laughed until we cried
when he scared me
the two straight months we watched
Weeds
after I had the twins
and cackled so much
we sometimes woke up the kids.
or the time we went paintballing together
and how scared I was
and how much fun I had.
how hard we laughed while he was looking
for a job
but on nights
we were watching
How I Met Your Mother.
and when we went to TGIFridays once
he ordered 2 separate Long Islands
and I drank both of them
before he got any.
and how hard it is for me to pick
out his presents,

sometimes
when we are sitting
just us two
in a quiet restaurant
I remember these days
those halcyon days
and long for them
and it hurts me for a little while
but I also remember
that no matter what age I am
they will be coming back
they are always coming
life is a circle
and the circle
just keeps spinning.

Today

Writing about this is so hard.
I'd like to write about how the sun
is shining today
or how I feel a little better
than yesterday
Or how some of my fingers hurt
and I feel like my shirt is too wrinkly
and I'm supposed to be going to the
doctor
but I may skip it because I'm too tired
to drive out to Richmond on little to no sleep
and what I really want to do is
get my car registered
and then go get some Pho.
Yup, my standards are so high.
I also have a decent book
or two
or ten
to read so that makes me
happy.

But
I've been looking through
various and sundry areas of the internet
and I've notice
that there are prolific amounts of resources and
reading material for domestic violence victims and survivors
off all kinds
men abused by women
women abused by men
women abused by women
men abused by men
and children abused by parents.
however
there is very minimal help
for parents abused by their children.

Which is an odd situation,
I know
but what
about
them?
and
what
about their siblings?

A List of Alphabetical Advice

This is from this website. It is a fantastic website and I encourage everyone to go visit. I love it and it is extremely inspiring.

So, a list of alphabetical advice.
I don't know how pertinent this will be for everyone's' life, but it is advice that either has been, or should have been used during my life. 

Hooray writing excercises! 

A- ask for help.
B- be kind whenever you can. 
C- Consent is a huge deal in sex. Asking is not bad. Saying no isn't bad. Research. Scarleteen is a great resource. What they teach in middle and high school is not valid sex education. 
D-  Don't be ashamed of your taste. It is okay to like things, even things that seem silly or simple, without irony. 
E- Every one has some good in them. Every one. This doesn't mean that every one is good. Far from it. But rather, that everyone has SOME good traits. Just don't overlook the bad ones while trying to notice the good ones.
F- fall in love sometimes. Good things do happen.
G- give books, don't lend. Book Karma is fantastic.
H- have fun. Actively make a choice to. 
I- I am sorry. Learn it, use it. Be sincere.
J- jokes can be hurtful. If you are making them at the expense of a person (rape jokes, racist jokes, GLBT jokes etc), they can be and are extremely painful and mean to others. Learn history, learn current events, know that these things are NOT of the past. They are current events. This shit is happening, right now. Don't be the fucking problem. Be the solution.
K- Keep your cool. 
L- Learn how credit cards work BEFORE getting one.  Actually, any kind of learning about financial stuff is extremely important. Before high school ends.
M- metamorphose. change.
N- negotiations. Find a book about this. You will need it when you are a teenager, with your parents, all the way to jobs and spouses. Compromise is a big word. So is LISTENING.
O- occupy yourself. Saying "I'M BORED!" is annoying for everyone.
P- Play with your kids. really. It is fun.
Q- quit when you get tired. seriously. It stops injuries and burnout.
R- read. anything and everything. fill your brain.
S-saying no is NOT bad. It is okay and disappointing people, even yourself, even your parents, is not world ending. ever
T- Tolerance is NOT a virtue. True acceptance and love is. How would you like to be simply tolerated? Think about it.
U-use your brain. please.
V-vows. Keep your promises. If you can't, don't make them. Please.
W- Write daily. Even if it is just a little bit a day, you will never get better unless you practice.
X- x-out body hatred. Love your body, in all its incarnations. Fat, skinny, curvy, whatever. 
Y- your body is yours. Live, love and modify accordingly. I guess my advice would be to ask "is this truly loving my body?" before modifying.
Z- I cannot think of a damn z one. Be zen? What




This was harder than I expected. More advice would be

Talk on the phone. 
Don't text and drive.
Watch good shows. Joss Whedon anything and Battlestar Galactica are good places to start.
Don't drink too much of anything.
Be kind. 
Chamomile tea fixes everything.
Sharks aren't anybody's friend.
Ride a bike. Go for walks. Hug a dog. Or a cat, but be careful.
Laugh.
Therapy is for everyone. 



This was fun and tiring.

I am horribly
desperately
tired-ly
depressed.


Everything feels dark and
dreary.
even with the sun bright
outside
yesterdays ridiculous forays
have apparently cast a dim light
on today.

what was supposed to be
easy and quiet
did not go as I planned
and I'm tired
and depressed

Desire of an awkward nature

While I was there

I saw him

and a sudden longing hit me

and there it was

the wanting of someone 

you couldn't have

it hovers there now 

trying to make me go down roads

my mind and heart don't want to

So I do what I always do

be hostile to the people

I've wanted

Being nice has never 

been easy when all I'm doing

is thinking of fucking your brains out

and so I gave him the finger

while he followed me around my car

and then he surprised me

before I drove away,

he came up and 

said, you should smile more.

Entitled, pretentious ass.

Who are you to tell me to smile?

Why should I be positive

when all I'm thinking about is pulling you

into some dark corner?
So I called him an ass
and he asked
do you really think that?
And I said, maybe not
maybe you just annoy me.

My body betrayed me today

and left my tummy feeling all odd

I can't tell if you are being an ass

or if you want me

or if you have some odd fetish for trying to 

control women

and make them smile.

I can't tell your intentions

but your rough hands and

the way we bat words around

makes me want you

flat stomach

and scruffy face

and you are caught in my mind

at least the way I felt for the next two

hours is.

It was a tough call

whether I wanted to punch you

or pull you to me.

But I can't.

This is embarrassing

and I don't like it

I've restrained

and trained myself to not feel sexual

except in certain situations

and stupid body,

now you go and do this.

argh.

go away

Monday Blues

I think this is the
first time
I've ever been in this house
by myself
either my in laws
or my husband
but ALWAYS
my kids are here. If they
aren't in the house,
I'm not in the house.
But I'm here
by myself
watching things like
666 Park Avenue
and
American Horror Story.
Stupidstupidstupid
and makes me jumpy
yeepers.

But I'm waiting for my
car to be returned to me.
Please call me soon, car people.
It makes me so nervous
letting people touch
or fix
or be around
my stuff.
I don't know why
Hopefully I get the house to myself
again next week
so I can get some stuff
done without sitting here
feeling helpless without a car.
Or freaked out because I don't
have my kids
I need a sedative
and a nap.
and my car.
argh

To A Friend Who Became a Sister

This post is a tribute to someone
called Boo.
I met you while you were in middle school
and I was in high school and I remember
quickly feeling like you and I were
a friendship made in heaven.

as the years have gone on,
I am so grateful for our friendship.
I remember singing in choir with you
and sitting in the choir loft during chapel
and giggling inappropriately and hysterically
at everything
and trying to switch shoes for a day
which was really hard due to our intense shoe
differences, but was the cause of much fun and silly
memories. It was much easier to hang out with you
when you hit high school, because we could eat lunch
together and commiserate over our classes
through the art gallery.

I've always deeply admired your
ability to play any sport, no matter what
and your artistic ability, because you draw
beautifully, and you are play a piano with
fantastic abilities  and you can charm all the parents
and I know that life is just starting for you
and college is hitting and changing
and lots of fun
and I feel like you've surpassed all that I've done.

and so I guess I'm both proud of you
and jealous of you but definitely proudest of you
you are beautiful outside,
but you are wonderfully beautiful on the inside
and that makes you a lovely person,
You are there when I need to relax,
or to make a gourmet meal,
and you drink all the beer that I don't want
and make me go dancing and to play pool.


I am so glad we are friends.
You've made me a better person
and I hope I've been able to help you
over the years.
I love you.

This night is creeping upon us
me, really
My husband is out having
fun with his friends.
I'm glad, because he has needed
some interaction with people
besides customers, his parents
his kids
and me
and I'm glad for him
but I'm sitting by myself
in my bedroom
and I'm missing him.

Because I like spending time
with him,
I like hanging out with him.
It feels very quiet without
him.

annoying, annoy, annoyed

Some days
I watch Gossip Girl
and I can't always tell
if Upper East Siders make
me feel worse, because I can't
afford their clothes or their problems
or better, because who would want that
kind of laundry bill
or those kind of problems.
Who the fuck knows.

I haven't felt inspired if
a few days.
It is deeply depressing.
I feel deeply depressed.
I feel like there is a huge mess
everywhere.
My car is fucked up and it is definitely
going to be a few hundred dollars, at the very least
and I don't really have that at all.
But it is going to have to happen
so I will have my inspection
so I can re-register my car
so I can go to court and get my
non moving violation ticket paid
or waived
or whatever it is people do with those.
I am so fucked.

So who knows where all my inspiration
has gone
maybe it needs to be washed in my laundry
or given away to goodwill
because it has been very difficult finding
it
or maybe I need to go for a walk
which would be a lot easier
if the autumn weather would stick
around for longer than a day at a time.
but it gets hot all the time
I wish it were colder
even though I hate the cold.
it would be easier to go outside
and maybe clear my head
it has been a long '
difficult
week.

And it won't be over
metaphorically or literally
for a long while,
fuck.

Confessions, pt 1

"Oh my God
I am heartily sorry
for having offended thee......"

Just so you know
I haven't magically decided
that all aspects of Catholicism is
mine again, however that has
been in my head all day so perhaps I
shall confess my sins unto Blogspot
Perhaps in hope that someone will
read them and absolve me of all my sins.
Who the hell knows.

I confess
I used to watch Buffy and
Angel and Firefly while I
was supposed to be studying in
school. While Joss Whedon was
a good teacher in how to behave during
high school
 (don't drop your stake in school,
if it turns into a giant snake you should kill it,
 sometimes when you sleep with him, he turns evil,
sometimes they leave, but they come back for prom,
don't build sex robots,
Being evil isn't a forever thing,
Sometimes people die,
Love is like cookie dough,'
Ah, the pitter pat of tiny feet in huge combat boots )
I think I might've done better in that world.

I confess
Bisexual is a word
which is an adjective
meaning sexually attracted to both
men and women
and all through high school I believed
that this was a mythical sexuality
you were either gay or straight
which retrospectively was kind of a silly
view, seeing as I was attracted to both men and women
all through that time, inasmuch as there
are men and women in high school
which for the most part, we were not.
And inasmuch as I was attracted to people
which isn't much, as far as bodies go
for the most part, I just like personalities.
People can be pretty, or ugly, or gorgeous or plain
but a personality can radiate more than any
perfect eyes or flawless lips ever could
and I could tell you much more about the people
that I've wanted
then describing them physically.
I'm not perfect about this
but for the most part
if you are my friend
that is when the attraction comes.

I confess
that I don't know how
many times I've fallen in love
I still love so many people
but I have fallen in and out of love
since I was fourteen and now I am
twenty one
and the list just seem to long
and too painful
and the large hunks of my heart
 that once felt ripped out
are now merely specks and mean
nearly nothing
but memories of love and pain
and so I confess to loving too many
and too much
and forgetting too quickly.

I confess
to the love of the human body
I at times worship at the altar
of smooth skin and hard hands
of large eyes and perfect hair
and I confess, that even though
I don't like my body as a whole
being naked makes it feel so much better.
and I confess that I'd rather see someone
naked than in a Armani suit
or a Chanel dress.

I confess
that sometimes I get so frustrated
that I yell at my children
but in the next 30 seconds
I can turn it around and they
can make me smile.

I confess
that I have not been able to
eat a hot dog since elementary school.
and that I have to avoid Starbucks, because
I get addicted easily, but my favorite time to
get it is Fall, because of the salted caramel
and I love getting it Tuesday nights after singing
with my dad.
that I hate Pepsi
but love Mountain Dew
but love Coca cola products the best
that chocolate makes me depressed
but sometimes I sneak some anyway.
That potatoes and pasta are my comfort
food.

I confess
that when at some point we have a house
I will need half of the man cave. It will
be a woman cave. I need space and quiet
and a place to call my own too.
No special allowances for one spouse,
unless he doesn't want one, in which case
I'm up to take it!

I confess
that my interest in body modifications
isn't simply because I find it beautiful
and fascinating
but because I plan on modifying my body
many times in the future
because I am just now learning that it
is mine and what I do with it has nothing
to do with whether or not I am a good or bad
person.
Prepare yourself accordingly.

I confess
to believing for years that
Purity was important for your future spouse
that sex and marriage was only possible between
a male and a female
that being a lesbian was only for other people's
viewing pleasure
that being gay was bad
that my worth was only held between my legs
but I'm proud to say
that I've never worn a purity ring
and that I stopped believing in all that
years ago and it has been a far healthier
attitude. I still am ashamed that I can even
remember thinking this though.

Tuesday Morning

It is a Tuesday today.
I spent all of yesterday
taking my children to their
2 year old check up
Doctor's appointment.
and they were wonderfully friendly
up there
which made me feel a ton better

and the twins behaved beautifully
and my husband was off so we
were able to have lunch and
I got to spend one on one time
with my kids, which makes me
smile much more, because they
are so overwhelming when there is two
of them but with just one of them,
they are more manageable and
sweeter, because they aren't vying for my
attention at all.

They are watching me type
right now, and scolding me when I
occasionally yawn, but they love to watch me
and try to grab the keys
and they wave when they walk away
and yell at each other
and laugh hysterically. I have to yell at
them to be careful sometimes, or to
stop climbing, and stop trying to reach
the cookies! But beyond the slight
crazy, they are fantastic.
My brain is only a little cracked.

Having lunch with my husband
was fantastic.
It was quiet and lovely, just how
I like spending time with him.
and I miss what we only had
for a little while before getting pregnant
time just us together
as newlyweds.

Sunday

1. Are looks important for the relationship?

Are they? I would
probably say that
they are to a certain degree,
however, if you love a person
it should be the internal stuff you love
not the external, because external stuff
is oh, so fading. But the internal stuff lasts.
and in the long run, looks will be gone.
So be attracted, but do not let it
encompass your relationship.
If what you are looking for is a relationship.

2. Can you commit to just one person?

Is this me personally or all of humanity?
I have no idea about the whole of humanity
I think that anyone who claims to know everything about
that in particular should be suspect.
I am committed to just one person.
I don't think it is necessarily possible for me
nor do I think it is the only path.

3. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Certainly, to some degree.
I do not think it is everyone's path
But I know what it is like to see someone
and feel struck, as if by an arrow, from
the very first moment.
It may not last forever, but it is intoxicating
while it lasts.

4. How long can you kiss until your hands start to wander?

This question is hilarious. I mean it
I laughed.
Um, as soon as I kiss, my hands are
probably somewhere your mother thinks are
inappropriate. The only exception to this rule over
the years so far has been first kisses. I try not to scare
people.


5. If your first true love knocked on your door with and apology and presents, would you accept? 

With what I consider to be my first love
I'd give him a hug
and take the presents
and ask him for my letters
and gently say, no. 
because I tried loving him for four years
and all I got was gifts
and being hurt a lot
and when we broke up
which we did a lot,
he did his best to hurt me.

6. Is there someone you will never forget?

There are so many I will never forget
I swear that I shall shout their name 
to the Tower.

7. 5 ways to win your heart.

a. be physically affectionate
b. be honest.
c. listen to me 
d. remind me to listen to you
e. be brave

8. What is your sexual orientation?

Bisexual.

That is it for today, dearies.
I am dreadfully tired
and last week has been horribly
horrible and this week should be 
very long.

Love,
Hellkitten

A love story, part 2

So after the painful breakup of January

I finally went back to school

and people walked around me

more carefully which

was kind of silly

because I definitely cried

more than I screamed.

But after that I dated someone else

K, we'll call him

and it was funny and pleasant

and honestly, a long time coming

as we had been flirting for a long time

and I had been his first kiss

and he needed a girlfriend

and I needed a person 

who would love me 

for a while

and he did

and I did

and after graduation

life got tough because

we didn't see each other everyday

and people weren't as supportive

and it
just
got
hard
so I ended it. And he was horribly
sad and i was sad
but I knew I wanted to be single
in college
but

One day,

after months had passed

and I had graduated high school

and time had healed me, for the most part

(and it had, kind of, because I contacted him in May, maybe

after cutting off contact in January

But only to tell him that I had gotten into college)
but then I contacted the man
I had fallen in love with
once
and told him how I was
doing
and asked how he was
doing
and lo and behold
he was single!

I believe I was angry
when I found out
because he broke up with
me for someone who wasn't the love
of his life because I knew when we first dated
that this was someone who I'd never get tired of.
but that didn't matter too much
so we talked a while
and decided to go for lunch one day.
And I got excited.

Tonight
is so difficult
I don't know if all
teenagers are this difficult
I like to think that I wasn't
but obviously I'm pretty biased
but the one I'm watching
does the opposite
of whatever I ask him
whatever I tell him
tried to run away
leaves without
telling you
where
he is
going.

He screams
when he doesn't get his
way, bangs on the
walls, acts belligerent, screws with
me but when his parents get home,
I'm sure it will
be my fault for walking around with a
target on my back. Of course.
I don't know what to do
it is problematic to say the least
and it is getting dark out
and I say come inside!
and he says
I do what I want
I don't have to
I don't give a-

WHAT AM I STILL HERE?
What do I do with this person?
How am I supposed to be
an effective guardian
watchman, babysitter whatever
IF THE PERSON I AM WATCHING
WON'T EVEN TRY TO DO
ANYTHING I SAY?

Maiden, Mother, Crone

As I drove home tonight
the thought sprang into
my head
I played the crone
tonight.

And it was a true thought
a real one
and even though it came
while listening to country music
that was telling me that
the South is the best
and to praise the Lord
it was my first thought
that the God
who might be a Goddess
to me
might have let me play another aspect
Hecate, maybe
or Diana
and instead of the
Father, son and holy ghost
there is the maiden, mother
and crone

I am a maiden
playing mother
who was the crone tonight
I listened
and gave advice
paid for the meal
and just let things be

and next time I spend time
with that particular friend
I will be maiden
while we dance

but tonight I was
the crone
and I was satisfied
and perhaps I shall be
maiden tonight
for the moon is out
but for certain
I will be mother tomorrow

Dear Dad

Ever since I was little
my dad used to give me the
first or last or middle
sip of his
coke or diet coke
or Dr. Pepper.
Or he'd get home and giving
me the last of his bottle of
whatever soda.
and I have always loved it.
And today when he got home
and I ran into him, because we
parked at the same time
and he smiled at me
gave me a hug
and gave me the last of his Dr.Pepper ten
and it made me remember
all the sodas we've shared.
And all the of the conversations
and it can be pretty fantastic
hanging out with my dad.
We both love animals
and video games
and hellboy
and constantine
and soda (coke for all the texans, hell yea and praise the lord)
and battlestar galactica
and sushi
and pianos
and guitars
and music
and Michelle Branch
and Taylor Swift
and Aunt Darlene
and we both have short tempers
and loud middle fingers when we drive
and we love trucks
and science fiction

I love you Dad

Falling

Stop releasing singles
before your new album
Taylor Swift
Or I will just buy them all
and then I'll have to buy
the CD as well
monetarily, this could get
problematic
and also my children
are starting to scream when I play
you
because I am playing it too much
Thanks for that Taylor
PS. Your music is fantastic
and is getting better

I've managed to avoid Chick fil a
since the whole debacle
I love the chicken
but fuck it
I will not support
your shitty so called
biblical family values
when you have obviously  never
read the bible.

Learning the music for choir
has been lovely
My piano is in storage
and I can't learn it near
as fast as I could
if I had something to practice on
ugh
but the music is so pretty
must practice
if only my laptop could pretend it was
a piano
which it can't
I'm sure there's programs for this somewhere

my kids love to run
around naked
not really naked
but relatively speaking
which can be alternately
annoying and hilarious
and tiresome
and sometimes they
run up to me and chastise
me in their own language
which does occasionally make me
feel kind of bad
but mostly I just
find it funny
because they do it to anyone
and everyone they can
They are totally related
to me.
Oh dear

sometimes I wonder if I
am speaking in abstract terms
or a different language
because my husband
or my dad
or other people
don't seem to hear me when I speak
or they don't react, they
just keep going and going
and I am not really sure
whether it is my fault.

I asked if my husband was reading
this and he said yes I read it last night.
and then I said, what do you think?
and he said, about what?

Just
like
that.


Seriously?
Seriously!


Sigh
how is that a hard question
how are we grown ups already?
how can I be more grown up?
why can't jobs just come more easily?
everything is so hard
and I know I'm not the only person
who feels this way
but I also feel so silly for
complaining about stuff
that people totally have worse

but I'm still real
still here
and my problems are still real

generic day post

These days
I am tired every day
but I am trying to make sure
that my kids are happy
that my husband is happy
that my parents are happy
so the me being happy part
often feels like it is the last
thing on the list

My husband brought
me red roses yesterday
when he came home
for no reason
just because
I wonder what his reasoning
is
but maybe it is just because
and the roses are lovely
and they make everything
smell good

this week has been long
and it will be
until saturday afternoon maybe
but even then
it will be long
because sunday is respect life sunday
and that means mass will be long
and full of pejoratives
about women
and I don't know if I love singing the music
enough to ignore it
my dad told me to go to the bathroom then
which made me laugh
because the idea of taking a dump
while someone is actively telling others
lies
is hilariously horrible
which pretty much sums up
what I might be doing
on sunday


In any case,
at least no one personally tries to
convince me to be pro-life
on a daily basis
my mom talks about it sometime
but not enough for it to be more
than just kind of annoying
which is handle- able
for the most part


long long days

I miss you

Letter to someone who is never far from my mind- good or bad

Dear J-

This is River
Just so you know
I remember you from the beginning of high school
in 2005
I remember the night after Scottish Festival
where you stayed up with me
the whole night long
and heard me cry
and our plans to run away to
a beach in mexico
a private one
I lost you
and I still can't find you
although I swear one day I will
I swear it
by all the gods
Remember planning the worlds' best
Valentine's day?
Remember calling me to tell me that
Pluto was no longer a planet?
Remember me telling you that missouri city
was almost as close to the woodlands
as it was pasadena
we laughed over my sense of direction
for literal years
Remember me asking how Spiky was
but it didn't really matter any more
because he didn't care about us.
Remember the first time I called
where I actually called Spiky
and you picked up
and I assumed you were his boyfriend
because you were apparently wrapping
Christmas presents together
(I can't believe how well I remember all of this)
Remember me texting you every time
my mom drove me through Pasadena
I still look for you whenever I'm in that general area
I curse my younger self
for not getting specifics
where you worked
all I know is that I drive by your old high school
at least twice a year
and I think
where could you be?
 Your town isn't that big
but where are you now?
You missed my senior year
which went crazy halfway through
you missed it
and I missed you
Remember how in love with that one girl
you were?
Remember how my name is River?
Remember how you taught me
how to feel better during my first year of high school?
I still have your letters
they are in my cigar boxes
and I miss you
I wish you could know my life
J.O
if you read this
my number is the same
I miss you

damn

Hello today
fully of Once Upon a Time
Grey's Anatomy
666 Park Avenue
all of which made me smile at some point
but Battlestar Galactica win all of you
except for maybe Once Upon A Time
maybe

Sleepy sleepy
sleepy
from a night of tossing
and turning
Being this sleepy feels weird
and it is harder to get cool
to cool off
and to fall asleep again

and the children
are happy and screamy
and they like to knock on the walls

I have a brother-in-law
my husbands' older brother
he is 30
but looks younger
a priest
handsome and muscular
and funny and smart
he came over saturday
and brought the kids
birthday gifts
because
he missed their birthday
last week


Watching him and my husband
is funny
because they look so similar
and they both have the same laugh
he got the boys
Mr. Potato Heads
which they are both currently
solely playing with
and we all watched The Avengers
and screamed
and said THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART
incidentally
my brother in law
said that MUCH more than I did
and we discussed
how uncomfortable Black Widows' outfit looked

and I felt like he could be a part of my family
too
which is a pleasant feeling
I've missed him
we don't see each other longer than 20 minutes
or so
every month
mostly he hangs out with his parents
and I don't see him
and I can't really invite him
because we aren't in my place


damn.