"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Folsom Twin Blues

Today has been on and off cheerful and depressing. Not that anything in specific was depressing, but I just felt depressed for no apparent reason. Yuck yuck yuck. It was mildly horrific, as far as feelings go, but it was productive and while I hate the word productivity like I hate the word ‘potential’, which I do with a passion, I was glad to get some stuff done. The twins are a full month old and I can hardly believe it. They still look a little like preemies but my GOD, they are ridiculously strong. They continuously freak out me, Mike and my parents by yanking their heads forward and backwards all the time. They are just perfect and beautiful.

As a mom, I’ve learned that love is huge. Way bigger than I ever could have imagined. It’s amazing. As a new mom of twins, I’ve learned that I can survive on a level of tired that I didn’t even know existed. I can get up every three hours, change, diaper and feed two babies on little to no sleep. I discovered that I hate the NICU with a passion and I never ever ever want to spend time there again, so if anyone tries to touch my children until late January, I’ll most likely stab the hell out of them. I’ve learned that I need time to myself sometimes. I’ve learned that there is so much stuff to do that it’s really easy to get overwhelmed, so ask for help. A lot. I’ve learned that people are just DYING to hold my babies and I can’t let them and that makes me feel really really sad and guilty. I’ve learned that I won’t always get what I want and neither will everyone else. I’ve learned that it can be really hard to compromise and sometimes, you simply cannot, and that’s okay too. I’ve learned that taking turns while feeding the boys can keep people from going insane. I’ve learned that even if the present looks hard as hell, the future can look incredibly bright. And it does.

More coming.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

They call her love

While writing a real post....this is to keep myself company. It's beautiful and heart wrenching.

…You alone are the sources of my grief,
you alone can grant the grace of consolation.
You alone have the power to make me sad,
to make me happy or to console me…
And the greater irony is that my love
then turned to such insanity
that the one thing it desired above all else
was the one thing it put irrevocably beyond its reach
in that one instant when, at your command,
I changed my habit along with my heart
to show that my body along with my heart
belonged only to you.

I never wanted anything in you
but you alone,
nothing of what you have
but you yourself,
never a marriage, never a dowry,
never any pleasure, any purpose of my own—
as you well know—
but only yours.
~Heloise, in her letter to Peter Abelard