"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Friday, November 30, 2012

Darlene part 1

it's me.
I don't know if you would recognize me
but if you were still here
I like to think we would be friends
and you would have helped me tell my parents
I was pregnant
and you would have helped me dye my hair
for the first time
and given me this bear ring
that I haven't gone without for
around 7 years.

If you were still here
you would have been the first
person I would have called
after I graduated
after I broke up with every one.
after having sex for the first time
after finding out I was pregnant.
after he proposed.
I would have called you today
when the kids were driving me crazy
no matter where you were.

And you would have come down
for my wedding
standing next to Uncle Ron
in his suit
when I saw him for the first time
as the biggest wedding present I got.
The older I have gotten
the more I have missed you.
And every wolf and dream catcher I see
makes me think of you.

I'd call you today to tell you
how annoying the weather is
because it is cold for two days
and hot for ten more and
honestly, I wish it would just be damn cold in the winter
it would be a lot more straightforward and I could just figure out what
to wear more easily.
I would tell you what extremely weird tv shows
I am watching for now
and how much it sucks
living in this body
how much you loved the
phantom book by
susan kay

I miss you.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

If I never Knew you

In my head
we sit next to each other
not talking too much
and maybe discussing what sushi we want to order
how long was the drive?
He always complains no matter what
so I just smile
and we order various things
and talk and pretend like we barely know
each other
because it is pretty hard to
ignore four years of history
even with all the pain.

You will probably make fun
of what I order
no matter what it is
and I'll touch your hair
as much as possible
but we'll avoid skin contact
and eye contact
and we'll scream about how much
we love the birthday girl
because that's what we are there for, right?

I don't know how painful
the day will be
I am a little afraid
and a little excited
and then
you might not be there
and then what was all this for?

Why is it that in my mind
I see you as kind
but when I see you for real
we can't.stop. hurting.

" So you were never a saint
and I loved in shades of wrong
we learn to live with the pain
mosaic broken hearts"

"of course. i miss you."
"would it really be so bad seeing me?"

We tried our hardest to be together
for years
and then we threw it away so quickly
it was like tripping.

I wonder what it is like for
the people who are just friends with you
who have never looked at you and
been in pain
who have never steadfastly looked down their parents
and did not give up every freedom she had
every six months.
I wonder what it is like to look at you
and never have loved you.

I often think it might be easier
but then where would I be?

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Tiny thing that broke my heart

my husband and I fight,
like hard-core fight
maybe once every two weeks or so.
And it can get ugly, but it tends
to resolve itself so we end up letting it go.

But I want to say around a week ago
we got in a fight
and before I explain it to you
here are some facts of life

I hate 3D things. It feels like it is flying at my face.
I hate whales. This stems from a very very young
viewing of Pinnochio and the whale from it (monstro)
in both the disney and the european (?) version
are firmly cemented as things of terror in my mind. I also
hate murky water and sharks.
The Life of Pi commercial has a whale at the end of it. It looks like
it is coming at the screen. It also involves a storm with murky waters.
I've also seen this commercial about 5 to 6 times all the way through.
Also, I feel physically ill when I see whales.
All of these things my husband knows.
Also, we both have 3Ds'. I use mine a lot less than he does.

So, in that light, a week ago, he handed me his 3Ds
and tells me to watch this video, it is really cool!
I get about 15 seconds in only to realize it is the Life of Pi trailer
and I start to get really REALLY pissed. I mean
it isn't like I haven't told him MULTIPLE times
about the paragraph above.
So I shove it back at him, because I don't want to see
this commercial.
He starts yelling at me, saying that the whale is only in
the last 20 seconds.
I started yelling at him, asking him if he's forgotten all my other issues.

This fight ended with him asking me when I could go back to therapy
and then saying he was sorry I had so many issues.

I don't think he has any idea
how long those words have stayed with me this week.
I'm pretty sure that in my mind I'll be hearing those words
for a long time.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

On my mind

I know that there is a part of me
that will always love you
but I also know that we were toxic
and that we were toxic.

I have no idea if we will
ever be able to be friends
read friends.
I doubt it though.
You told me I got fat.
And so what if I did?
How dare you comment on my appearance?
Your lack of a filter is something
I've always loathed about you.

If only there was a way
I could block your voice from
my head
your hands
from my minds' eye.

But alas,
you are still there
in the moments I wish I was alone.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Lady Knight

My first introduction to feminism
was a series of books by Tamora Pierce
named Protector of the Small. I want to say
that I read them around 2002? Maybe 2003.
I would have been around eleven or twelve.
After devouring these four books
I went back and read the Song of the Lioness quartet
and the Immortals Quartet. All twelve of these books take place
in the same time/space area.
2 years later I read the Tricksters duo, which
takes place in that 'verse. I still have not read
the most recent books, which are apparently called the
Beka Cooper series.

In any case, while reading these, my views of
the world were formed. These are incredibly good
books, and as an avid reader of Arthurian legend, these
satisfied my cravings and cemented my firm belief
that women make fantastic knights and that reform is
possible, even in a highly problematic culture.
There are many, many female characters here, without
tropes or the virgin/whore dichotomy constantly present.
Sex can be enjoyed, even non-marital sex. These books are

The Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia Wrede were and are
and favorite of mine. The King of Dragons could be female, the witches
were fun and engaging and the princess offered to fight the damn
knights herself if they would not go away! All four books are hilarious,
well written and definitely feminist in their portrayal of brave princesses,
smart knights and incredible witches. One of the books is written in
first person, which is difficult to pull off, however, the author does
it spectacularly!

These books were hugely informative to my early years and I
am so so greatful to these authors who wrote books that made
me want to be a Lady Knight.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

150th Post

In honor of this being my 150th post, which is crazy, I'm going to write something that will probably make me lose sleep for a while. I'll be writing about my top fears and what I believe is the underlying causes and whatnots of them. I struggle with them still these days.

So to start off,
what inspired me to write about this was a recent movie I saw called Sinister. I have the ability to push back most thing that scare me but this movie in particular has been really REALLY chapping my ass. In any case, it definitely brought some of my more primeval fears to the surface.

To begin with, a striking white face with dark deep set eyes is
always a terrifying sight for me. Since the main villain fits this exact description,
I had a horrible time watching the movie without screaming every two seconds
and hiding my face the whole time. Oh, yeah. Super brave.

In line with this, I find water to be fascinating and terrifying at the same time. I love how water feels, I'm very comfortable being under the water for long periods of time, however I have limits. I love pools and most clear bodies of water. I feel very very uncomfortable around dark or murky bodies of water. I've had two near drowning experience, both of which made me very afraid to be in a pool with other people. It takes a lot of trust for me to feel okay being near to anyone while in a pool. I can generally keep my cool around pools, at least outwardly. But walking by a lake makes me feel shaky and afraid.

In relation to this, I am deathly afraid of sharks and whales. There are exceptions, which are pretty weird, as I love killer whales but am afraid of blue whales. I think all this results from the damn Monstro Blue Whale Thing from Pinnochio when I was little. Horrifying and horrified. I hate things with dark eyes and big pointy teeth and wide open mouths. I'm writing this during the day so I don't have to freak out the rest of the night.

I am afraid of clowns. This has been real since I was around three. I have always known what the Pennywise Tim Curry clown looks like, but I only saw the movie this year. I screamed a lot until he turned into a spider. I loved the book. It is fantastic but I am terrified whenever I read it.

Darkness is frightening to me but I find that I am able to walk around in it quite well. I have some anxiety but it isn't too bad.

150 posts. Now, onward to greater things!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Painful Memories

"Now we're standing alone
in a crowded room and
we're not speaking
and I'm dying to know
is it killing you like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
since the twist of fate when it all broke down
and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less
but I liked it better when you were on my side."
The Story of Us by Taylor Swift

I cannot count the amount of times
I have felt exactly like this damn song.
Every time I play it, I am shot back to
my best friends graduation when I saw my
ex boyfriend there. My mom was there and
she saw him and I couldn't even look at him
with her there but all I could see was him
and it was horribly painful, because all I wanted to do
was walk up to him and hug him and tell him how much I had
missed him over the last 8 months. How hard it was to break up
with him and how much I missed talking to him all the time
and how weird and difficult high school was without him
to talk to. How after four years, his arms still felt like the home I
always wanted, But instead I stared off to the side
and my mom watched me and I called him later and said
that I was sorry for how weird that night was. I think I stared
at the ceiling as much as possible and he did his best not to
look at me too much.

I want to say that was the last time that I saw
him in a public setting. I am pretty sure we've seen each other
since then. But it was the last time we were in public with
each other.
The memories of that night bring me so much pain. I had to
get in the car with my mom and pretend that nothing had happened.
That I wasn't screaming internally and feeling emotionally bruised.
That there wasn't years of memories that were painfully flashing through
my mind that ride home. That I wasn't remembering every kiss
every car ride, every le Madeleine's meal, every hair cut and hand hold,
every letter and message and IM and phone call.
But instead, I was quiet on the way home and went to bed
and my mom praised me for conducting myself so well that night
and not showing him anything.
and I was proud of myself for about ten minutes
and then I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep
because I was going to graduate soon as well
and because I had to be strong
and not go there again.

Just in case you read this
(I know you do sometimes)
I remember you
I miss you sometimes.
I am sorry we never saw the
light of day.
We were perfect for that time.
Romeo and Juliet
but then we died. And I know that I don't want
to re-animate the dead
but the memories make me smile
and weep for what we once had.
I hope one day that you
are as happy as I am.
Preferably without children though
because that mental image is a deeply disturbing one
but with lots of cats.

Wreck it Ralph

Just had a fantastic date.
Saw Wreck-it Ralph with my favorite person
and it was cold outside
and we held hands and
ate good food
and got coffee afterwards
and I felt all warm and fuzzy like
I rarely do
and it was wonderful and pleasant.

The quote from the movie that I liked best was
the Bad Guy 'Serenity' prayer of sorts
"I am bad and that's good. I will never be good
and that's not bad. There is no one I would
rather be than me."
Fantastic writing and lovely animations
lots of laughs and a few awww moments
which I liked. Very clever.
Jane Lynch, as usual, outshone everyone and
her best line was
"It looks like Doomsday and Armageddon just had a baby. And it is ugly." She
was by far the funniest, smartest, baddest ass character.
Definitely want her hair, attitude and just general awesomeness.

Wintertime reminds me of falling in love.
The cold reminds me that there were times
when I wanted to hold his hand
that walking around with her made the darkness
feel romantic and not scary.
There were leather jackets whose pockets I
snuck my hands in
and times when I went to Starbucks and had
tons of coffee.
And walking around Town Square with them.
In the cold I fall in love.
And in this cold I fall in love with him
all over again.
And it feels good.

Friday, November 16, 2012

The first time I watched the show Merlin
was while I was living at the apartment
with my husband and children.
I loved it.
It is a 'family' show, so there is violence but not
too gory
and hardly even any innuendo
which can be annoying at times
because you want badly for certain characters to get together
however it is funny and sweet and pleasant
and the newest season just came out on Netflix
so I'm re watching it before I watch the latest
season. Parts of the beginning are annoying
but I'm still enjoying it. The angry men
and the slightly homoerotic subtext
(yes, I'm looking at you too, Supernatural)
the beautiful costumes, the incredibly smart women
the times where I scream STOP IT UTHER STOP IT.

I am dreadfully tired, as usual. I enjoy how
the winter feels
but I am not a fan of early darkness
it gives me the willies
and it isn't even six.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

So my holiday blues have become
and red and green
because I behaved like an adult
and everything was talked out quite well
without screaming or crying and it all worked out
quite pleasantly, at least in the plans for
So there went my major anxiety, which is nice
because my sanity was shot straight to hell there
for a couple of hours
and so now it is late at night
and I am on Ambien
and therefore am very very tired

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Holiday Blues

I have been having some trouble writing over the last month.
My word count is way down and all I can think about writing
is how depressed I feel, which is very, but it is still an extremely limited
thing to write about. I feel like there is really only so much
you can write about as far as feeling depressed.
But once again, here I am, trying to write about it
and feeling stilted as fuck.
I feel depressed nearly all the time.
It is the holiday season, which is what I consider
Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years.
I haven't liked this season for a very long time.
Now don't get me wrong,
I like the cold because it is so rarely here in this area
I like the new Starbucks flavors that aren't really new
like peppermint and pumpkin and gingerbread.
Sometimes there is even extra time with my husband
which is lovely and rare
and there are sparkly decorations
and delicious food
and my uncontrollable urge to buy bottles and bottles
of sparkly grape juice
which I then drink in beautiful champagne glasses
or straight out of the bottle, like the
classy fucking lady I am.
And generally there is turkey and gravy
and root beer, all of which I deeply enjoy.

But this year, there will be a Thanksgiving without
my husband
and a Christmas without
my husband
and probably not a New Years without
my husband
and I hate that I have to play divorced person
between my parents and my husband
and his parents.
Because honestly, at this point?
I like my husband most days
I like my parents most days
and I like my in-laws most days
and I'd like my kids to have pleasant holidays
ones where mommy doesn't feel like recharging by being
by herself all the time
and ones where she isn't exhausted by the end of the
holiday time
and ones where everyone can just
shut the fuck up
and play nice for a few hours a fucking day.
Which only happens twice a year
plus my and the kids birthday
which is four goddamn times a year
we all have to shut the fuck up
and pretend we like each other.
and as someone who went to high school
and spent ALL YEAR
with people she had to pretend to like
multiple ones
with only three months a year I could avoid them
I don't understand how you can't just shut up and fake it
three times a year
for me and my kids.

And someone told me on Sunday that if
she couldn't  have me for 4 hours on Thanksgiving
that she didn't want me at all.
I don't know how to respond to that
I didn't, though. I just was like....okay
thanks for letting me know
because I am tired of being the one
who says sorry
and caves
and then feels horribly guilty for spending time
with her kids and husband
rather than her kids and parents
or vice versa
because no matter what I do, I feel guilty,
so one year, I am going to go on a vacation for these weeks
and then everyone will be disappointed
but I will be alone
and I won't be disappointed because I'll be doing what is
good and right for me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Rage face

Five days since writing a post.
I'm having trouble doing things
or keeping up with stuff in general.
I'm not happy
at all.
I feel flat
and upset a lot,
I don't have very much patience
and I'm very tired.
I need some quiet time somewhere
But I can't seem to find it very well.

I have crafted a rage face
over the last seven years
and it is built from every time
I have felt afraid walking to my car
or some asshole has told me to smile
or that one time, someone told me he'd like me
to sit on his face.
Screamed at me on a trip to San Antonio
while I was standing on a street corner
with my husband and our two friends
or when a man follows me three quarters of the way
over to my car
only to notice the knife in my hand
and the look of crafty intent on my face.
Or the various people who have grabbed my hair
or while I was pregnant, found it necessary to touch
my belly without asking permission.
my rage face is a necessary evil.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I feel like I lose everything.

For instance, I lost my kindle when I moved.
 I know it is in a box somewhere,
 because I packed it..
I remember it.
But, we weren't moving any time soon,
 and I needed something to fill my incessant need to read,
 so I switched to my husbands' touch pad,
 as he wasn't using it all that much any way.
 I lost it two weeks ago between the living room
and the bedroom and
I still can't find it.
It is making me crazy.
It doesn't seem to bother my husband
which also is making me crazy, because
now I feel super guilty
but I am resolved to find it today
if I have to completely raze my room
to find the damn thing.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Walking Dead
has been pissing me off for quite a while
but last episode broke my heart
into a million little pieces
Rick, you shamed Lori into keeping her pregnancy
never forgave her or reconciled with her
even when she tried
and now she's gone

I am super tired these days...
It is pretty hard trying to keep my kids in some
sort of semblance of order
and hang out with my husband
and have friends somewhere
and hope that we move out at some point
and that one day we'll have a home that
I don't have to share with multiple other people
and hope that I can get a job at some point
and lose weight
and not feel so hopeless all the fucking time.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

"And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to

'Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night
We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well

And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well."

~Taylor Swift, All Too Well

So i got the new Taylor Swift Album
which is called Red.
And as usual I got the deluxe edition
and I love it pretty much all over the place
and like I have for the last few albums
I love about half 
and it will take about a month longer
for me to love every song.
For the most part though
I love the songs
they are sad and lovely
and speak to the heart
which is pretty much why I listen to Taylor Swift.

It also makes me melancholy 

Friday, November 2, 2012

Painful memories tonight
Because I hate everything and
everyone. Which is another way
of saying how isolated I feel currently.

I remember sitting
on a couch after someone left
multiple times for days
because the couch still smelled like
him after he left. It lasted for months
and kept me together
like glue.

I remember the coach hitting on me
And trying to figure out
Are you a student?
Is this allowed?

I remember that he used to complain to me
About my lack of communication skills
Which retrospectively feels hilarious
Because I never. Stop. Talking.

I remember him sleeping with someone
The same day we broke up
And how I know this?
Because the next day I called him
To try and get back together
That was a weird feeling.

I remember wanting someone so badly
It hurt when I couldn’t have them
But theoretically, I could have.
I still to this day
Have no idea
Why I said no
If I just got tired
Or if I never truly believed in us to begin with.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Sea Food

A weird thing about myself
I love seafood
I love fish
mahi mahi
I love crustaceans
I love mollusks
I have an odd obsession with it
and if I can have it
I will,
beyond almost anything else
seafood and pasta are my favorite
with seafood and salad
and seafood soup
especially gumbo and clam chowder
and sushi is food for the gods
and I haven't been able to eat it
for the last 8 months
because the medication I've been on has
been making my body intolerant to seafood
which was horribly frustrating
for someone like me
for whom sushi is a treat
and chowder is comfort food
but the comfort food started turning
my tummy into the room of pain.
But the medication wore off this month
and I tried sushi
and for once I didn't spend the next few hours
feeling like I was dying.
and since that was about a week ago
I haven't had much sushi
or anything else that I love
oh cajun food, you are calling me
but I cannot have you for a while
because I am trying to slow down
and also I have no money.

Day after Halloween

On the day after Halloween
there is candy everywhere
and bits of costumes scattered all over the house
and pumpkin buckets everywhere
and Halloween consists
of sending pictures to everyone
and alternately loving and hating your own costume
massive headaches
and cookies
and costumes everywhere

I'm sad it is done
because I didn't do everything I wanted to,
but I'm glad I got to do what
my kids wanted
and my husband wanted
and there's always next year.