"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

This is so I
don't forget

I took a nap today
and at one point I woke up
and my son was in bed with me
to my right
but what woke me up
was the sound of heavy breathing
to my left

and I realized what it meant
in the longest half seconds of
my life

The breathing came from
the wrong side of the bed

and I could hear it
but my eyes were shut
and it was like my body
went insane
I couldn't open my eyes
and my skin felt like I'd gotten into
an ice bath.
and my left arm hurts now.

Long days
but probably not
pleasant nights

Monday, April 29, 2013

Dot dot dot

very occasionally
or more often
then sometimes
because I apparently have no
I listen to people talk
and I just want to
my eyes and ears
and writhe with anger and irritation.


are you inflicting
your opinions on me
unasked for
if I wanted to know
what you think
about these subjects
I'd ask
but I do know what you think
and you think like a person
who just has no reasonable
question the shots
question the things that can prevent diseases
but don't question the hormones that you are
ingesting to lose weight?
don't question that you are starving yourself to
lose weight
stop sending me emails by the following
anything catholic
dave ramsey
pictures of weeping eagles
things  you haven't looked up
on goddamn snopes
Don't tell me that because
none of your friends have been assaulted
and you haven't been assaulted
that the statistics are wrong
and that you shouldn't protect yourself
if you can
that one day I'll have more worldviews
and better worldviews and
why would  your friends tell you
if you wouldn't believe them anyway?
Why would I tell you if I was the one in three
or one in six that you know
because you might not believe me anyway
what if I tell you that of my friends
there's more than one in three
or more than one in six
what is wrong with you?

stop stop stop

Sometime I worry that
you'll see the real me
she'll get out
not even all of her
just a bit or a piece
that isn't bright and shiny
or isn't broken in the right way
and you'll see that the world
is so much bigger than you want me
to see
and I am brighter
and shine more
than you could ever imagine

and maybe,
just maybe
I'll stop rolling
my eyes.

Friday, April 26, 2013

This is odd, and i forgot to post it yesterday

I feel my life smoothing
into what could be called
a deeply pleasant routine
and I try my best to try to retain
the bits I really like but the next week
swings around and I can't retain it all so
I just try to make the next week as pleasant
as possible, since most happiness seems transient

One of the things
I look forward to
is being able to have my
piano in a room I can access.
I'm still incredibly basic as far
as playing guitar goes, and it is frustrating
and I'd like to be able to quickly practice and
get the music out of my head on an instrument that I
don't really have to think about, but comes rather easily
after years and years of practice. Or maybe it's just so I can
play Pianoman to myself.
What a pity I cannot waltz
and play the piano at the same time.

In the most recent episode of Game of Thrones
which I have not fully caught up on, don't judge
don't tell
there was a moment where my breath caught in my throat
and all I could do was stand from my seat and watch.
And last night
my mother in law asked me
did you see it?
And we spent the next twenty minutes
screeching over that one scene
because of the pride we felt
it makes me laugh
not in an antagonistic way
but rather that the feelings of
primal kinship come out
when one is screaming about dragons
and fire
and how women are meant to rule
and I enjoy how it turns to serious discussions
of inequality in the real world
but first
we give out primal screams
about dragons.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Questions are what happens when I run out of inspiration

also known as
time to get out your guitar
because writing
is not cutting it

What would you name your future daughter?
Illyria Michaela
or Michaela Illyria
some sort of variation on Michaela
Both of those names will be involved
and she will probably keep my last name.
Strange thoughts.

Ever told "It's not you, it's me?"
I can honestly say that no one has
said that specifically to me. Different variations
probably, but it is a good thing no one has
said that specifically because I've had a dreadfully
inappropriate laughter my whole life and just
thinking those words makes me want to laugh

What am I looking forward to in the next week?
I don't have specifics for next week, honestly
but my birthday is in May so I'm a little excited
and horrified at the same time. I'm going to Vegas
in July and I'm looking forward to that. And I look
forward to Sundays because I get to spend them
with my friends and evenings, mostly, because I spend them
with my best friend, since my night job is no more.
Which is good for my sanity
but bad for my bank account.

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
Quite easily,
as long as I had access to tea and soda
I could deal without any sort of alcohol. I'd
be sad, because I recently discovered a margarita that
tastes like magic, but that's about as far as it goes.
I hate the taste of nearly everything and
the loopy feeling can be achieved with a lot
of other things.

Have you ever pretended to like someone?
I am laughing because this is the worst
question ever. Once I stop liking a person
or they become more trouble then they are worth
I don't pretend to like them. This only applies to
"eros"-love style relationships. For whatever reason,
my familial style relationships, I will deal with any sort of
bullshit. I feel like expounding on this could get me in trouble.

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Depends on the circumstances. For the most
part, yes.

Have you ever cried, you were so mad?
Yes. Wow, I hate the idea of explaining this
one. But it generally only happens with people
I really really like.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
To a certain degree, yes. There are exceptions
and it is one of those things that requires that
I interact on a frequent basis with everyone in the
outside world. Since I end up at home a lot,
I've sort or let a lot of it go. I have kids.
Although I guess on that note, yes I am
because I have to be.

This particular set of questions
reminds me that I either need to find
or buy a hoodie.

I had dreams all last night
of Batman. It was really REALLY
weird. I was apparently
talking about Batman all last night
which is both funny and exceptionally

I love love love to cook
but the kitchen at the place I live at
is killing me, so I rarely cook here. I find
it depressing. It isn't mine and I violently despise it.
This makes me sad
because I miss cooking and baking
but it is just like this huge mental block and
I can't get it around it.
I can bake with my friends and it kind of works
but I still find that the kitchens of others makes
me a little twitchy.

It is spring time
and I want snow and
to know what it is like on a plane
and what vacations are like for adults only
and what the lights of Vegas look like
and I want to have my own kitchen
and go back to school
and have life be so much harder
but so much more fulfilling
the times
they are

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Short and Angry

Things that
make me crazy
include the sounds
of cats yowling
and dogs howling
and children crying.

Why does everyone
insist on sound so
fucking mournful
when they are anywhere
near me?
I do not demand
peals of laughter
or screams of
but something
incessant whining
and crying that
has nothing to do
with pain
and screams that
are simply a result
of demand with no
supply and a dog
who just won't be
would be nice
for a change.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Sitting in solidarity

There is
no way to see
the internal workings of my mind
these infernal devices
they scream and chidder
and shout
and laugh
so loudly
that I worry
that the people
around me may
hear what
I'm listening to
the earbuds
in my ears
are not to
keep you out
my friends
but to keep
the noises

Even on the days
where there are
a million voices
and the nights
where I can't sleep
and the meds take
forever to kick in
there are people
in my world
real live people
that when I'm feeling
lost and alone
I can ask them
to step outside with me
or can I go to their apartment
or can we go for a drive
and I'm talking to someone
who sees my face
or most of my true face
and loves me because of
and in spite of
and with
or most
because who sees
all the face
these days.

But the existence of
such people
fortifies my belief
in good things
and good people.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Big Places

I rarely
speak of this
but I'd love to travel.
I'm not sure why, but I
feel that my excessive irritation
with everything can partially be traced
to the stagnation of scenery. Everything has
been the same since I was six. Most family trips
were to the middle of Texas at the furthest. Once we
went to Colorado and it snowed. Two weeks of snow.
Some of the best weather I've ever seen or been able to
be around in my life. Bright and cold. I've always loved the snow.
It is fascinating and magical.

I'm not
really sure what
it is like out of the
South. The furthest north I've
ever been is Missouri once and that
was many, many years ago. Driving north west
in Texas last week was lovely- I could feel the thoughts
in my head slow down while I actually concentrated on the scenery.
The physical beauty of the land rarely strikes me, perhaps because I
live in a city that is shaped of more steel than land
but I saw the green and the blue and the red
and my mind was quiet for a little while.

Me and
my car are
not what you'd call
best friends. We are temperamental
at best, due to a long and storied back history
and mutual disdain for each other. It isn't correctable
at this point, but I assume it will probably get better as the
years and locations change, and probably once I get the air conditioner
fixed. But regardless, she gets me where I need to go. But it does what it
is supposed to do and I am appreciative of such things.

But all of this
is to say that it is a big
big world out there and on
days like today, where I feel sad
and empty and angry and lonely and
there isn't a whole lot anyone can do to
fix it, I look out the window and I swear to
the gods that this is not the only world I will ever

I do
not know when I will travel
but I swear
I will.

Monday, April 15, 2013


So, in
hopes of lightening my own mood
various blurbs about myself.

Things I have openly sobbed during
the end of Les Mis, a LOT of Battlestar Galactica
several Shameless scenes, multiple Taylor Swift songs,
twice during Once Upon a Time, because adoption story lines
make me horribly sad
Swan Song of Supernatural and the werewolf episode
the last ten minutes (or last two episodes, depending on who's asking)
of Six Feet Under had me borderline hysterical. Like howling levels of sad.
The end of Sherlock broke my face for about forty minutes.
My family knows not to bother me when I'm sadly watching Tangled
or that I need extra cuddles when that happens.
Oddly enough, Glee has made me cry more than once. But it's more
melancholy than actual bawling. Buffy and Angel and Firefly related stuff
actually anything by Joss Whedon automatically makes me start tearing up.
The worst was Sherlock and Six Feet Under and Battlestar.

I love finding people
I can talk books with.
They are few and far between
and so I cherish the conversations 
I have with people who love good stories.
I suppose it is why I have a tumblr,
there seems to be a high concentration
of people that just revel in love of stories
they think about it and scream and laugh
about it and simply ooze their love
for these stories
and doing that makes me
feel normal.

But on occasion
there are people I meet and
get to know and become friends with and
they text me "What book should I read next?"
and I smile and scream about their current 
and future books
and then on sunday
we drink tea and discuss Dr. Who. 
It makes my week or month, generally
these discussions. 
Because having a foot in both the adult world
and the child world
is hard
and having friends to hold my hands on both sides
keeps me loved and loving
and grounded.

I love to dance
but it is rare that I dance in public these days
I don't know why
maybe I need to branch out
from the kitchen and the car
because dancing there is fun
but lonely and
sometimes dangerous.

I love horror movies
and books
and stories
because they haunt me
even if they just contain various elements.
I love ghosts and monsters
and curses and zombies.
I really only truly dislike
any type of sea monster movies. Or 
if the horror element comes from the water,
I have a lot harder of a time watching it.
Or reading about it.
Sphere gave me the horrors for weeks.
I've never seen Jaws.
But just thinking about it makes me twitch.

I may or may not
have quit my job
in search of a new one.

The song Secret by the Pierces
gives me the creeps. Badly. Like, gives
me nightmares badly.

The soundtrack from the Hobbit 
and Lord of the Rings makes me tear up.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame
may be my favorite Disney movie. 
It is kind of a tough call for me. 
I have had a love affair with the music
for many years now.

"You can't take a picture of this, it's already gone."

I adorn myself daily
with the jewelry of a dead woman
partly because I don't want to forget her
and partly
because I don't want her to forget me.
I wear her on my hand, because I use them daily
for good or for evil
and on my ears
I want to hear the truths and lies that are
thrown at me daily.
Her wolves are on my walls
and my dreams are caught by her.

I mourn for her
and even if my beliefs
are all willy-nilly
I know that I
will see her again.

I started reading
The Sandman comics
by Neil Gaiman.
I know, I know
I'm incredibly late
to the game
but they are beautiful and
sad. I have trouble
describing it, because the stories are
intricate and dark and lovely and
ugly and
I love them.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Can we rest?

"we may shine
we may shatter
may be pickin up the pieces here on after
we are fragile we are human
we are shaped by the light let through us
we break fast
cause we are glass."

The second
blurs in my memory a little
because of boxing things up
and pain and things not said or
things said but roads not taken and

But there was a boymanchildthing
who got me out of my chain mail and
pulled me out of class one day and it was
pouring outside. Simply pouring.
and pulled me into a green grassy field
and said
Dance with me.

I was not amused
at first.
I said
I do not want to dance
and get rained on
are you crazy?

And he said
dance with me,
woman. We don't get
many signs like these.

And because
how often, really
does he ask you to dance
and it is raining(!)
I said yes.

It couldn't have
been the hours it felt like.
I know people saw us because
they spoke of it later
speculating on the beauty of it
hoping to make me blush
and deny it
but it felt like he had written me a song
and we were the only people who had
ever heard it and would ever heard it.
We danced and our bodies fit together
like two pieces of a puzzle
and all the gas and fire and rage and frustration
was just.....quiet.
We were quiet and didn't speak
we just danced
and I will never forget how cool and quiet it felt.
How comforted I was by the presence of someone
who took comfort in the rain as well.

In my reptile brain
this memory is classified as
highly painful. So it fades
and seems blurry and beautiful
so any refreshers would be appreciated
because a reclassification is in order

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Dance Along the Line of Day

"Rain falls angry on the tin roof
as we lie awake in my bed."
~Edwin McCain, Overused Songs of the 2000s

There have been two
magical style dancing in the rain moments
in my life
moments that deserve to be on shows like
Dawson's Creek, One Tree Hill and
the like.

The first was in 2008 and
it had begun to rain.
One of my friends and I
had just snuck back on campus
after leaving to have lunch and whatnots
with a current boyfriend.
We were invincible,
walking through the parkin glot.
Nothing could touch us.
And it began to rain.
And we looked at each other
and took off our sweater vests until
it was simply skirt and shirt and shoes
and began to dance

We had no music.
We did not speak.
We simply moved.
We were feral and wild.
Several cars drove by
and then drove up into the parking lot
and watched as we danced.
We did not dance for anyone's titillation
but there was an enchantment nevertheless.

We danced until we were sopping wet
until our long hair was drenched
and we kept dancing anyway.
We danced alone and we danced together
and the rain kept falling.

I do not know how long
we danced for
and neither of us has forgotten that day
although we do not speak of it often,
because we know there was power there
moving between us.
There still is, on occasion,
but never so much as that afternoon.

That afternoon was magic
and there was sunlight
in the rain drops.


Days that I am
counting down towards
take the longest. I ceased doing
that many years ago, counting down days
until that certain event happens. I do better with 1-2 days
of preparation rather than weeks of stressing, even if it is excited
For the last week, my mind
has been a relatively pleasant
place to be around, or so says
everyone. I assume it is somewhere
between anticipation and the extreme
exhaustion that my job leads to. I don't know
what makes me feel more tired, dogs all night or
toddlers all day. Either way, though, doing it for days
in a row makes my brain turn to mush. It may be pleasant
for the people around me, because a lot less pisses me off outwardly
when I'm tired, but the reality is that all the hostility is just building.
The way of the personalHulk includes being angry all the time
it is just the learning to control it that is the hard part.

I am angry
I am complaining about
wanting to be solitary
and then complaining about being
lonely during my days and nights
but the reality is that being alone is not being alone
if there are 40 dogs there, or 2 toddlers, because
even if I feel horribly lonely
I cannot be alone
with all the barking and
the talking
and the screaming
and the squealing.
It is impossible.
But you can be alone
with another person.

Which is something I'm looking forward to
multiple times for the rest of the year.

This is not what I wanted to write about
but alas,
happiness and excitement
mixed with exhaustiveness and frustration
are not producing
good results.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

loves to dance

"Well my friends back home think I've
gone and lost my mind
take a sip of rum
and you really would know why
Jolly Roger flying on a picnic table
Blender in the kitchen
willin' and able
Don't know what makes you say
"What the hell"
But when the salt air catches a hold of
that sail
Something bout it makes you just wanna dance
and she loves to dance."

~ Kenny Chesney

I do
I love to dance
I've been dancing in kitchens
and living rooms since I can remember,
the earliest being around 1999 because
that is when that particular CD came out
and I was obsessed with it, as much as a little girl can be
and that is one of the first time I remember dancing by myself
along with the first time I danced with a man
I was six and he was my daddy and he taught me to two-step
at Eddie's Country Ballroom
on a side note
that place caught on fire 3 years ago
and I still haven't recovered
because I had my 16th birthday party there
and I learned to dance there.

Some of my fondest memories
center around dance.
One of the most awkward dance routines I ever did
freshman year of high school
choreographed with friends I didn't know I had
still makes me smile and laugh when I hear an Usher song
First dance in high school
felt an erection pressed against my leg
walked away quickly
got in a screaming match with my dad later
that makes me laugh to this day.
Three years of going to the Toyota center
a full day away from parents and with friends
full of costumes and hairspray
and practicing dances
and hearing music that was so brutal and raw
I wept the nights after.
Dancing in the kitchen
with a man who didn't care about
anything but me.
Dancing at my first prom
with a boyfriend
while falling in love with
another person who watched us dance
the whole time.
Dancing with my mom in the evenings
two-stepping around the kitchen while
avoiding the dishes after dinner.
Dancing at my last prom
with my boyfriend and
sweating all my makeup off
from laughing and dancing so hard.
Dance classes in high school where I sat
and laughed with my friends twice a week.
Dancing in the kitchen last week with my best friend
while we make cookies and bread to
Thrift Shop and Maroon 5.
Dancing in my kitchen with the kids
trying to wake myself up.

Because she loves to dance

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

I did
two night shifts
in a row.
What a terrible terrible
idea. Now I feel like a slightly
crazier version of an already deeply
disturbed me. Deeply disturbed me is
annoyed by my lack of sleep and my achy
body parts and can't seem to find a comfortable way to
sit down or lay down or stand or anything.

It is storming outside here
lightening and thunder that I can see
from my comfortable bed and feel the vibrations.
It is comforting and unnerving, all at the same time. Loud noises
and violent sensations mixing with the calming rain that I can't seem to hear
quite as much.

I have a friend
I want to call because
I see that he and his significant other
broke up and I want to know if he's doing okay
but I already took an ambien and I am freakishly tired
and I want to just take him to have lunch or something
where I can hold his hand.
Because when I call him and tell him my friend is being a dick
what do I do
 how do I fix things that I helped break
he calms me down
and when he's in pain
I hold his hand.

I'm back to counting down days
and that's okay.

Monday, April 1, 2013

To an Old Friend

When I think of you
I think of an empty mall
and shirttails hanging out over
khaki skirts
phone in front pocket
the way you paid for her
to get her ears pierced
because you were over age
and we were under age
and we needed an

And you kept asking me
if I wanted anything
if you could get me
as if gifts and shirts
and dresses
that I tried on
would make up for lost time
for days spent not talking
and nights where I missed
you so bad
I could smell you
on the air.

You were there
where we would dream
of each other
and then wake up the
next morning
and realize
same dream, dear.

Seems silly now

Best Buy and Target
will always make me smile
Although after,
my stomach hurts
because I know what
it is like to look at you
across a table
across a room
and not be able
to speak
your name
or hold your hand.

And I don't love you
like I loved you

We were the dreamers
way back when
we prayed to Mary and
you still answer the phone
and say
When I talk to you
which is rare
next to never.

And I pray for you
because living a lie
is hard.
I did it.
And it is so difficult.

She never read
the things you wrote to me.
Like next to nothing
I protected your words
like I protected my own

How have I known you
for almost a decade
and only have ten pictures
with you?
I have pictures from you
in orange bathing suits
and with old friends
but we are reduced
to one mall excursion
and a trip to Happy Lamp
and to be
a pink Dickies bag
that will never go out
of style.

I hope you light a candle
for the me that once was
because the death of her
is still hard for me to deal with
even now.

And I know it doesn't help
(I never could)
but I wish you
the best.