"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Monday, December 31, 2012

In Which Les Miserables is the Focus of my Attention

To start out with,
there will be spoilers. SPOILERS.
This book has been around for over 150 years
There should be no such thing as spoilers, dammit.
I have read the book and performed some of the music
in a chorus but I did not know how the musical was performed
or which songs went where or with whom.
But essentially this movie ripped out my heart
The whole time.
Some of the death scenes were extremely violent
and while I am used to violence in the movies
it was disconcerting for people to be singing
and then killed quite viscerally.
It was very painful, but the camera never cut away
which made me wince and at several points
cry out.
I could guess who would die relatively early but it was still horrible
to watch.
Anne Hathaway proved herself to be a goddess.
Hugh Jackman was fantastic.
Russel Crowe did....well, he wasn't bad. It was somewhat
stilted, but I suppose his character wasn't supposed to be
all RAWR, because he was a soldier and a police officer and whatnots.
The religious and spiritual aspects were quite lovely. It was
more spiritual and definitely implied rather than a direct
doctrinal or biblical enforcing movie. I appreciated this.
All in all, it was quite lovely. Hopefully, I'll be able to see it a
few more times before it goes out of theater and I buy the blu-ray
and annoy the shit out of everyone I've ever known by playing
it constantly.
I loved it. YES. GO SEE IT.

Post-Christmas Insanity

Merry late Christmas
again, I suppose
Kindles and books and music
and happy little boys running around
everywhere, with toy cars and new socks,
trying to knock over Christmas trees
and every one is drinking the egg nog.
Three separate Christmases and one more
this weekend.
Today will be the quietest New Years Eve you can imagine
just being with him is the most pleasant thing
I can think of,
because it is quiet and pleasant
and just what I need right now.
I went and saw Les Miserables.
I cried about 10 times.
It is just so lovely.
I went this weekend to see extended family.
I only cried once.
Christmas wins.
Freezing, frozen Christmas wins.
Fortunately, my children were a huge hit
and my parents bought me two winter coats
which will make going outside a great deal easier.
In completely unsurprising circumstances
he didn't talk to me hardly at all last night.
I could over analyze it, but mostly I just assume he was tired
from staying up all the nights I was gone until 3 in the morning.
Are my feelings hurt? A little, but nothing is terminal
and to be fair, as soon as I got home, I went to go spend
time with one of my best friends. Across town.
For hours.
Because of all of these factors
I feel both less and more stressed.
I've done badly this month
in my writing.
Not enough.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas to all!
And to all, a good night.

Monday, December 24, 2012

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you

I got this idea from an article on xojane, which was about vanity.
And how it is good to have some.
I prefer to call it self-love
but the idea is still the same.
I am really really fucking hard on myself
and I know lots and lots of people who are, as well.
So, in an effort to change that, or at least acknowledge
that there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo,
or at least in me,
here are some things I love about myself.

Starting with physically,
I have long legs. And good feet.
My nails grow quickly
and my eyebrows, no matter how much I pluck
them, always grow back thick.
The waxer says my brows are fantastic.
My eyes are green and I love that
but for the first 5 years of my life
I had the blue eyes of the firstborn male
of my family.
My freckles can only be described
as cute.
And my hair is always, always thick
with a hint of red amidst the chestnut
when I cry, my eyes go emerald green
like a dragon.

I can read faster than anyone I know
and retain content to an extreme
I am old enough to to know about sex
but young enough to blush on occasion when I talk about it.
I speak my mind and I've learned to argue well, even
when my eyes are watering and my face is turning red.
I have a hot temper and I drive well
and I almost always have a retort for every single thing
a person could say to me.
I love red and black clothes and nail polish
and when I hear a song, I see dance.
I love my kids
and I can almost almost
drink something with alcohol in it without wincing
but I can smoke cigars and not feel sick.
I write obsessively and compulsively
and I stay up at all hours of the morning

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I will sing and keep singing
until I die.
I have always known the words to these songs
telling me to live and love and learn the hard way,
telling me that this love is ours
and that all you are is mean
and that there's gotta be more to life

but also that I am a Man of Constant Sorrow.

My crimes are many and my sins, oh my sins
forgive us, o lord, our many sins
for they were delicious at the time.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

One of the Great Secrets of Adulthood,
as it says on Captain Awkward
I can say no
and I owe no one an explanation.
I'm still learning that
also, that website is the best
feminism, advice and what self love looks like
also, multiple stories of my life.

Wish I could find a million things to write about
or maybe a story
finding stories is my delight
but it is so difficult
more difficult
the whole world is made of fairy tales it seems
and music
and love, maybe.

This day has been freakishly long
I am pretty tired
and I have played a lot of Darksiders 2
And it is a gorgeous
and visually pleasing game.
But since I suck at most games that
you don't play on the computer
I'm having a hard time getting through it
I know I know
call me a whaaaambulance.
And by saying that, I have accidentally triggered the
part of my brain that sings
That's nice.

Boy, I'd like a drink.
Something to take a little bit of an edge off.
Long days and pleasant nights.
at least hopefully.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

This day has been a mix of
cleaning and being very tired.
My eyes are blurry nearly all the time
making it hard for me to do nearly anything
I feel super tired
and horrible.
Yay me.

Christmas this year should be interesting.
My introverted self is seeing a great
deal of people, which is making me very very
Fortunately, I'll have a few days after Christmas
to myself, kind of.
Granted, I don't know if my husband will be home
any of those days
but I will figure it out
I always do.

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go;
simply for the reason that they are heavy."
I'm starting to do that.
I take on too much
I ask for too much
I say yes too often.
And now I am tired
because my no isn't taken seriously.
I've spent too much damn time wishy-washing all over the place.

I am so tired of all this.
So so so so tired.
so next year
I'm done with caving
and giving in
and saying no when I mean yes
and yes when I mean no.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Happy Birthday, Love.

Hi you
So it was your birthday a few days ago
and I feel like the worst person ever
because I didn't get you anything.
Even though I gave you fifty dollars
and you said that was okay
I feel like it isn't.
And you won't tell me what you want
for Christmas
and it is upsetting me
because even if I don't have money
I want you to be happy.

And that is what it comes down to
More than anything in my life,
I want you to be happy.
More than my own life.
And you piss me off sometimes
and you break little bits of my heart
in ways that I never thought possible,
but that is the truth of it.

We are best friends and
I've had many of those and
I know that means pain to some degree
because you know me well enough to hurt me
but also well enough to love me
more than anyone.

You love me when I'm sweaty
and when I'm gone the majority of the day
and when I steal your socks
and your 3DS
and when I don't want to play
with you.
And when I'm angry at the kids
or you
and you make me smile
and sometimes you stand outside the shower
and talk to me while I wash my hair.
And deal with my weird questions
and my constant music
and for a long time
 you dealt with my various hostilities
with extreme finesse considering who I
Was being difficult with.

You are my perfect mix of man
and child.
We play together and work together
and I enjoy that.
Try not to be so hostile
and I'll do my best not to
as well.

I love you
and Happy Birthday.

Friday, December 14, 2012

A Tragic Fairy Tale

Once upon a time
there was a pretty girl
who watched a young man while
they were in school together.
They were in Pre-calculus
and she sat next to him every day.

And since she had been mean and hateful
to him every day for the last two years,
he spent at least two months doing his best
to put her down and be mean to her
which was easy
because she was terrible at math
and he was fantastic at it.

But one day, she looked at him
and saw a person in pain
and he looked at her
and saw a person instead of an annoying
angry something or another
and they became almost-friends.
This was one of the only classes she had with him
because he got good grades
and she did not.

So they became friends and
baited each other and shoved each other
and he noticed when she failed every test
and she noticed when he spent all of class
playing on the calculator.

One day, she asked him if he'd ever been kissed
and he beat around the bush for a few days
while they talked and messed with each other
but at the end of the week
he caught her in a corner and pushed her up against a wall
and kissed her.

That was his first kiss.

That was how their story began.

They were not kind to each other at first.
They hurt each other and told each other
about the people they liked and the fun they'd have
over summer and how much their parents would hate
each other.

But eventually, gradually,
she fell for him
and he for her.
And the whole school was scornful
but generally not surprised, because isn't it always
everyone else who notices these things?

The halcyon days were there for a while
Life was relatively good
and they worked and played well together
which was surprising, given practically everything about them.

But one day she decided he wasn't good enough
or that she wasn't good enough
and decided to go.
And she not only broke it off with him
but she lost her best friend
because she chose to.
She broke him.

The end.

I wrote this today.

" One of my favorite days was a December day
 where I went and played paintball all day.
 It was crisp and cool and all of my friends
 were there and we were all disgusting and
muddy and at one point, my gun clogged so
 I was running around throwing paint balls at people,
 but it was just so lovely. Afterwards, thirty of us went
 back to the house and ordered pizza. Everyone had
 stripped down but we were all so tired, and beat up
 (paintball can cause HUGE bruising), it didn't matter.
 We all laid down on the floor and ate pizza and watched
 movies. I loved how I felt like I belonged. Moments like that
 stick in my head and I love them. It was three years ago.
I long for a day like that. Maybe next year. Maybe I'll
try that for my birthday. "

I love how this came out.
This is truth.
That day was cold and crispy.
I rode in my then future brother-in-law's
new truck.
I wore combat boots and army issued
camouflage pants.
My husband refuses to believe it
but he is a leader and I saw it that day. He
shows it in a hundred tiny ways during our normal
boring life
 but I saw it so clearly that day
and I wondered for a brief moment
if I was holding him back.

I saw a clear vision of a possible future
that day
and it made me aspire to be like that possible future him
even if that future wasn't mine.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I had a migraine yesterday
it made the world feel so hostile
it was insane.
Noises became painful
and light was the enemy.

Fortunately, sleep and water and
medication prevailed
and relative sanity has been restored
to my body and my brain.

Not that there was a whole hell
of a lot to begin with. It is nice to have
all the parts functioning well.

We now have a WiiU. I'm glad he
likes it, because I have so much trouble learning
new gaming systems. Grrr. But I'm happy if he's happy.
Thankfully, he isn't hard to please.

It has gotten cold in the last few days. I
am enjoying it a ridiculous amount. I still haven't smoked my cigar
but I will. Someday!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Sherlock and Hamlet

After watching Sherlock
I understand why there are so many
fans that love this show.
because after watching it all the
way through
all I want to do
is watch it again.
It is deeply, deeply thorough
Beautifully written
Lovely characters
makes me remember
reading these books in high school.
I regret that I did not appreciate them
at this level while growing up.

It reminds me of Hamlet,
which was difficult for me to read
and then translate into what was happening
because I could not see it
but after watching the first fifteen minutes
of Hamlet with Kenneth Branagh
I understood what was happening and why.
That was where it clicked and after that
King Lear, and Much Ado, and Romeo and Juliet
and Midsummer, and the Tempest and Othello
were much easier to understand
to read straight through
because I understood how the story was written
the hows and the whys
and they became much clearer

Friday, December 7, 2012

Today is today
it has been long
and difficult
and I need both a drink and
a break.

or a cigar.
A cigar would be nice.
It is near cold enough
for one.
I have at least three I could smoke
plus an entire box that is his
but that he'll share

sometimes I am reminded of
how i fell in love with him
and why,
and how he dances with me
and what that does to me
and how he makes me smile
the way we work and play together
and how mutually frustrated we are
And how he listens to the things I love
even the teeny weeny leather bikini loves
and the dragon earring loves
these things are important to me
and so he makes them important to him.

I am so thankful for ibueprofen
makes the headaches slow down
all the tightness loosens.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Oh today

" I confess to almighty God
 and to you, my brothers and sisters
that I have sinned through my own fault
in my thought and in my words
through what I have done
and what I have failed to do."

I confess
that the majority of the time
I do not know if I believe in God.
I believe that there is some higher power
but I doubt it is only limited to a
Christian belief.
But I sing in the choir at my church any way
because there is power in the
kyrie eleison
and because
there is no where else to cultivate
the music that lives
somewhere in me.

I confess
that I hate the way people look at me some
Like I am a pretty head
on a fat body.
And I am, I am overweight
and I like to eat
and drink
and laugh loudly.

I confess
that feeling tipsy saturday night
felt so good
I laughed so loudly
and had trouble walking straight
even in flats
but it felt good
and made me forget

I confess that even if
I don't believe in the words of the Mass
I hear these words in my head
when I sleep
because 21 years hearing them once a week
will make them stuck.
and I don't think they are perfect
or good
or right
but I hear them anyway