"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Thursday, December 30, 2010

What is Happiness.

What is happiness to me?

It is hearing the rain fall and the thunder roll so loudly, it drowns out my thoughts.

It is the quiet time after a big crowd.

It is a sleep, where I wake up smiling.

It is seeing my babies smile, stretch, and laugh.

It is listening to Taylor Swift or Lady Antebellum.

It is reading my latest Warhammer 40,000 book, which is strangely funny. Weird, right? Caiphas Cain, you are too weird for words.

It is reading The Walking Dead. Oh zombie apocalypse, you make my life joyful and wonderous. Even with horrific spoilers in the first. fucking. book. damn it damn it damn it.

It is watching Charmed. Almost as excellent as Buffy. Almost.

It is reading a A+ certification textbook and realizing that I know most of it.

It is wearing a snuggie.

It is being with friends that you miss everyday.

It is taking a nap with my person.

It is holding hands with the man of my dreams.

It is finding the best pair of leather high heeled shoes for $45.

It is watching David Bowie in Labrynth.

It is Repo! The Genetic Opera.

It is loving someone else more than I could ever imagine.

It is a pair of jeans that fit perfectly.

It is OPI nail polish.

It is warm shells and cold steel.

It is knowing who is going to be with you forever.

It is roses.

It is love.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I love you

Dear Love,

Happy 24th birthday! You are almost an antique! I promise I’m not trying to be ridiculously weird by bringing this up again, and I also promise not to say this on your 25th birthday, upon which you will actually become an antique. Really. 

So, this is the third birthday I’ve spent with you. And once again, I’m amazingly thankful that your birthday falls right next to Christmas, so I can be horribly confused as to what to get you only once-ish a year. Guys are hard to shop for and you are not the exception to that rule, much to my despair.

I get all tongue tied when I try to talk or write about how I feel about you, or about us. But here goes.

My favorite memories are built around you. My future is brighter because I see you in it. You hold my hand when I get angry or sad. You love me past all my insecurities and problems. I always want you on my side, especially during a zombie apocalypse. You make me smile even when I don’t want to. You are my best friend in everything. I love that we fight one minute and you can have me smiling 20 seconds later. You catch me when I fall down. You run behind me and keep me going (although I’m not entirely convinced your motivation for running behind me is totally pure and innocent). I love spending my time with you and I would all day if I could.  I miss you when you aren’t here. You are a great daddy, Michael and that is a wonderful thing.

I find it amazing that I’m with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with right now. How many people are that lucky? I can’t wait to marry you and live with you and grow old with you. You are my favorite person and I love you now and I’ll love you forever.

Happy birthday Michael.


Ps. Please don’t ever ask for a pony, because I’m not sure I could handle that.

I hid under your porch because I love you.

I found the one whom my soul loves.

~Song of Solomon 3:4
This is my beloved and this is my friend.

~Song of Solomon 5:16
…You alone are the sources of my grief,
you alone can grant the grace of consolation.
You alone have the power to make me sad,
to make me happy or to console me…
I never wanted anything in you
but you alone,
nothing of what you have
but you yourself,
~Heloise, in her letter to Peter Abelard

Friday, December 3, 2010

Happy Late Birthday, you piece of shit

Dear human being,

You should have taught one of my favorite men how to be a man. Instead, he became a man in spite of you, which should just not have to happen. You did your best to keep him down, to make him less, but he is so much better than you ever were or ever will be. I still see the scars you left on him, the non-physical ones, and if I could, I'd go back in time with a Louisville Slugger and beat on you the same way you verbally and physically beat on him and the rest of your family.

Thankfully though, you are dead. I never met you and so now I only deal with the scars you left on the person I love. They aren't his fault. They are yours. Maybe something happened to you that made you the evil, manipulative person you were. But it was your choice to remain that way.

Happy birthday in hell.


Thursday, December 2, 2010

Reverb 10- Day 2

What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Oh God, I am always so damn distracted. I don't take 20 minutes a day to simply think and write.

I should probably quit watching one episode of grey's per day, since I watch 2-3 episodes per day, and use that forty minutes to write. And start REALLY journaling again. And stop writing down texts. Yes, I just admitted I did that, so you can all start calling me stalker Megan.


Reverb10- A day Late, but Day One

Reverb10 is a project used to write every day of December.

First days assignment (yesterdays', so there will be two posts today) is this:

One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

I'd choose extreme as my 2010 word. I didn't climb Mount Everest and I didn't swim to the bottom of the sea. I think I rode my bike a grand total of once. I kept up with my music, playing guitar and piano as little as I've ever played them.

But I was pregnant and gave birth to twins, something that I never imagined that I'd have the physical, emotional or mental strength to do. It's an extreme choice, to give birth to and love these babies. It took major toll on my body and it still takes major toll on almost every aspect of my life. Being pregnant and unmarried while living in your parents house is a scary thing. On top of it, the complications of twin pregnancy were often reminding me of my choices. Fear and pain were constants in my pregnancy, healthy for the most part though it was.

The rewards make the extremity of the sacrifices worth everything. My children make the extreme choices I made eleven months ago worth all the pain I've gone through. I love them like I've never loved anything.

I realized that the person I was with is who I want to be forever, not because I believe in some magical destiny or fate, but because I believe that I am going to choose to love this person for the rest of our lives. It's a radical decision, choosing love.

My life became radical when I chose life for my children. My life became radical when I chose to be a parent to my children. My life became radical when I looked past my fear of commitment and hurt and betrayal and chose to love.

Next year? I want my word to be triumph.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Titular Survey

*Name the most terrifying moment of your life so far:
Before and during my c-section. I was so scared I was literally shaking. Hard. Not fun. Definitely the scariest moment of my life.

*If you could bring one character to life from your favorite book, who would it be?:
Either Sadad or Hotohori. If anyone (besides Glory) knows who these people are, you get a prize.

*Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with? Least like?:
-Like: Mike. ;) Or any of my girls.
-Least: My last boyfriend. It would be horrifying and awkward and I don't think I'd be able to stand talking to him for longer than 15 seconds before crying.

*List 5 people you know. Then describe each of them in 5 words:
- Hinna-sweet pink lexi future doctor
- Catherine-awkward funny animal loving friend
- Gwen-beastly basketball movie loving queen
- Boo- my sister from another mother
- Mike- you are the only exception

*What outfit or article of clothing do you like to see your spouse wearing the most?:
- I don't have one yet, but I'm working on it! A suit, probably. Anything black. I also like him bare-ass nekkid, but that's kind of what got us in trouble in the first place, ain't it? ;)

*What was the most recent movie that made you cry?:
- Haven't seen one recently, so when Denny Douquet died on Grey's Anatomy.

*If you could be any age again for one week, what age would you be?

*If you could cast any living actor to play you in a movie, who would it be?:
Eva Green as Vesper Lynn

*If you could have one superpower, which would you choose?:
I'd be Wolverine. I'd live forever with regenerative power and large steely claws.

*If you could choose where and how you were to die, what would you choose?:
I'm lame. Definitely of old age. Or amidst loud gunfire and the clashing of swords.

*If you knew when your last meal was going to be, what would you choose to eat for it?:
A MASSIVE salad from the olive garden. Seafood fettucini alfredo. Lots of sparkly red grape juice. Lots of bread and olive oil and spices. My grandma's homemade tortillas. A long island iced tea or two. And something with chocolate.

*If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose?:
- Firefly or Buffy. I'd be AWESOME in Firefly. I'd be dead in Buffy-world, or I'd want to be a Scooby. Or I'd be a Willow-love interest.

*If you joined the circus, what act would you most want to perform?:
Trapeze artist

*You see three teenagers making fun of a mentally handicapped man in the street. What do you do?:
Beat the hell out of them.

*What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?:
Reading. Candy. Music. My various underwater basketweaving classes. Michael.

*Imagine it's a dark night, you are alone, it's raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?:
My dad and Mike. The police. And then I grab my gun and the barstool.

*If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?:
I'm going with money, because I have love. WORLD PEACE!!!

*If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
I'd have a massive orgy. Yea, that's right, I went there.
But in reality, I'd probably spend as much time as I could with my family, both individually and all together. And that last meal would be EPIC.

*What's the worst thing about being your gender?:
- That time of the month.Hahahah

*What is the strangest dream you've ever had?:
The one where I have a perfect date, surgery, go home and find out someone has just stabbed and killed me.

*Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?:
- True Love with heart break. But in reality, when you hand someone else your heart, like I'd hope you would do if you were truly loving someone, they will break it. One way or another.

*Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. What got you to that point?:
Lots and lots of stress tends to get me there.

*What is more difficult for you- looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?:

*If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?:
Probably. But if I were caught, why would I need to confess? I'd already be caught...

*Would you rather have ten kids, or none?:

*What do you do when you get nervous?:
I tend to run away. Or lash out. I had a friend that called me hellkitten for a reason.

*Be honest, do you like people in general?:
For the most part.

*Does anyone completely understand you?:
I think Mike and Boo do, on occasion.