Good Morning

Good morning to the world
which has been pretty difficult today
and it is only the very beginning of the day.

I have a friend coming over
today. I have no idea what time she'll be here
or what we'll do, but hopefully she doesn't expect to much
because my house is not my house
and there is children's stuff everywhere.

I started a post last night that I'll probably
have to finish tonight or the night after, because it is one
of those things that only comes out when it is late
and I am tired or drunk or anything but staring into the bright
shining morning.

The idea of tomorrow is giving me a heart attack.
Between dentists and job interviews, I find myself
pretty terrified. This week has been too crazy and I can't see
the weekend being any better. There are over  600 books on my kindle
and I can't choose between them. So I read a few last night
and spent a few hours terrified out of my mind
because they were scary and it always takes me a good 12 hours
to get the horrors out of the front of my head.

They are gone, now, the ghosts and monsters of last night
they might be back but they probably won't
but just in case, I'll be careful when I drive at night.

In any case, until she gets here
if she gets here
(please get here)
I'll be listening to my music extra loud
and ignoring these dreadful feelings until something gets
resolved
and maybe pray
for the first time in a long time.

Falling

Stop releasing singles
before your new album
Taylor Swift
Or I will just buy them all
and then I'll have to buy
the CD as well
monetarily, this could get
problematic
and also my children
are starting to scream when I play
you
because I am playing it too much
Thanks for that Taylor
PS. Your music is fantastic
and is getting better

I've managed to avoid Chick fil a
since the whole debacle
I love the chicken
but fuck it
I will not support
your shitty so called
biblical family values
when you have obviously  never
read the bible.

Learning the music for choir
has been lovely
My piano is in storage
and I can't learn it near
as fast as I could
if I had something to practice on
ugh
but the music is so pretty
must practice
if only my laptop could pretend it was
a piano
which it can't
I'm sure there's programs for this somewhere

my kids love to run
around naked
not really naked
but relatively speaking
which can be alternately
annoying and hilarious
and tiresome
and sometimes they
run up to me and chastise
me in their own language
which does occasionally make me
feel kind of bad
but mostly I just
find it funny
because they do it to anyone
and everyone they can
They are totally related
to me.
Oh dear

sometimes I wonder if I
am speaking in abstract terms
or a different language
because my husband
or my dad
or other people
don't seem to hear me when I speak
or they don't react, they
just keep going and going
and I am not really sure
whether it is my fault.

I asked if my husband was reading
this and he said yes I read it last night.
and then I said, what do you think?
and he said, about what?

Just
like
that.


Seriously?
Seriously!


Sigh
how is that a hard question
how are we grown ups already?
how can I be more grown up?
why can't jobs just come more easily?
everything is so hard
and I know I'm not the only person
who feels this way
but I also feel so silly for
complaining about stuff
that people totally have worse

but I'm still real
still here
and my problems are still real

It is Friday morning and it has been a LONG week what with being sick and trying to organize my kids' second birthday stuff. No one has been particularly helpful or even very specific about the things they want to do, with the exception of my parents. I get annoyed because my parents always want to have things about a month in advance, which can be extremely annoying, but it is pretty annoying that I can't get a straight answer the freaking DAY before a birthday. Two birthdays.

All my husband and I can do is scream at each other. He blames me for all his issues. We were both crying last night. I just can't be everyone's comforter. I can't even comfort myself appropriately so why am I expected to do that for two kids and my husband on top of it?

I need to clean. I need to get my kids upstairs so I can at least try. I'd also like to get some of the garbage out. I am just hating everything currently.

Fantasies

This is going to be a lot less disturbing then the title implies.

My fantasy currently is just to be in my own place. I want to be in a house or an apartment with my husband and my kids and I. I want there to be a couch that I can let my friends spend the night on, and a room for my kids to play in and a room for me and my husband. I want to get rid of over half the stuff I own so I don't feel so crowded all the time. It doesn't even have to be a house at this point, I just want to be without extra people. I want to have a party in my own place. I want to only be afraid of my kids breaking MY stuff. I only want to be embarrassed by my husband in front of ME, not with his parents involved. I want to be able to invite my mom over.

I want to be able to fuck up my own kitchen. I want to be able to watch TV without worrying about people judging me for watching what I want to watch, with the exception of my husband, because who cares? I want to walk around MY place clothed the way I want to be clothed.

I hate even having hope for this sort of thing. It seems like an impossible dream, like we will never actually get there. I hate living with other people, and it is nothing personal about the people, but I want to stop feeling like I'm just pretending to be an adult.

I am just so tired of all this nonsense.

Up, Down and All Over the Place

Oooh that last post was short. Still feeling pretty sick from yesterday.....I'm at about 80% normality, so that is better than the last 36 hours so far. At least not miserable in bed like I was for 90% of yesterday. I hate being sick. I can generally deal with it if it is just me, but with Mike sick too, I've got to take care of me and take care of mike and figure out how to get the babies taken care of as well. While not in my own space. Which is also making me crazy for other reasons, but in that particular case, it just makes it difficult, because I'm afraid to ask for help or get in trouble, even though I've never been given any evidence in this instance that I'm in trouble or that I've made anyone angry.

I think I might be just overly sensitive. That statement makes me laugh, because I tend to be harsher than most, but I tend to get nervous and antsy if I perceive that people are mad at me or might even be heading in that direction. I hate hate HATE it when people are angry at me and haven't gotten to the expressing part of it yet. I much prefer being yelled at than just trying to guess what your random emotions. That shit makes me CRAZY. I also assume that is why I jump straight to yelling when I'm mad. Things I probably need to work on.

In any case though, I feel relatively better. I'm super tired though. I could probably go for a really large nap although I won't attempt it until at least 11 (so maybe an hour an and a half from now). My kids seem content to play with a broom and a dustpan (wtf, guys), and to make sure all the doors are closed (extremely helpful at times) and whining about various things. They also studiously ignore the TV unless they hear music they like, which happens to ONLY be the theme song from the Big Bang Theory. Weird.

I kind of feel like my entire weekend was shot to hell after Saturday night and Sunday. Which is frustrating because I was looking forward to singing in choir and not feeling like I was in recovery all freaking day. I also feel like I've run out of things to write about. Maybe not in reality, because there is a shitload of stuff that I find hard or irritating or frustrating or painful or whatnot. I'm just never sure who is reading it. I'm terminally afraid of people being angry at me or sad at me (?).

But on the other hand, what if they do read it? What if they are mad at me for what I expose to the world? Not that many people read this. And if you are angered or saddened by what you read, is it your own fault for choosing to read it or mine for choosing to write it? Do I change the names or do I make it completely unambiguous? Do I just decide to only write the good stuff and not the painful reality of what is there?

I don't know.

Hellkitten

Who wears short shorts?

Yesterday was utterly tiring. My kids are extremely needy these days. Duh, Hellkitten, they are TWO YEARS OLD! But there are two of them. Meep. The days so far have been long and hard. And there was a spider downstairs today. It was HORRIFYING.

So I took the kids and ran upstairs. I've been forgetting that they need dinner, but I've given them cookies. What is wrong with me? Why can't I remember the simple, stupid things? Why is it so hard to keep patient when them being snarky isn't always their fault? Why can't I try to be more patient, more kind, more attentive and less angry, snarky and so.fucking.tired all the damn time?

I feel like such a bad parent. I'm trying to keep my head above water and they still love me and hug me and kiss me, even when I'm feeling bad, even to the point where I have to smile when I see them.

I wish I could cook more. I wish I felt like I had some right to live here, some way that the kitchen is mine. I wish I haven't been walking on eggshells for 11 or more years of my life, it is so tiring and I am so very, very tired. I wish I felt good enough. I wish I didn't feel so needed and so isolated at the same damn time.

I'm just watching Grey's Anatomy and feeling ambivalent. And cruddy. And in need of something that I can't quite name.

"Nobody knows where they might end up, nobody knows! Oh, oh, suppose you'll never know....."

Love
Hellkitten

Going back to old places is always interesting. I have a distinct horror of it. There are even some places on the internet that give me stomachaches if I stay on them for longer than 30 seconds.

Dear xanga and myspace, you are painful and embarrassing. Please delete yourself, as well as the things I wrote on fanfiction.net. Oh my gosh, just looking at that stuff, even the titles, makes me turn red, literally. I thought I was so cool, because I simply had a forum for horrible characters. Oh, the horror.

On the other hand, rereading what I used to read is fantastic. These stories were wonderful back when I was in middle and high school and they are excellent as an adult. I really can't believe that I understood this back then and that it is readable now.

Unfortunately, my ability to read terrible things has vastly deteriorated. It pretty much has to be at least decent for me to be able to read a story or a book. I know, I'm a snob. I'm okay with that. It pretty much makes sure that I keep my sanity.

Ugh, xanga. Go die please. I can't believe the way I wrote back then. It was truly awful. I can't look at it for too long. Yeesh.

In other news, my kids are making me crazy. I'll be going out of town this weekend, though and I'm going to miss them like crazy.... they make me so wacky all the time, but then I get a chance for me to be alone with my husband for a while and I feel so sad thinking about them doing all their funny, sweet, silly stuff with people who aren't me. They love to run up to me and smile big, or they will take my hand and run me over to where they are. I yell "GUYS!" and their heads pop up like daisies and they run over to me. I play music and they dance with me. They sleep with trucks instead of stuffed animals. They come over for hugs and give me kisses. They fight over who gets to sit in my lap. They run so fast it makes me a little afraid. They love brooms and dustpans and are constantly trying to hit each other and me with them. They love my phone. They try to bite their dad on the leg or toes. They climb on the recliner and rock themselves back and forth for an hour. They cuddle and try to eat all the cookies. They LOVE apple juice and they almost never get it. They make HUGE messes and then they help clean up everything. Everyone tries to buy them everything but their favorite stuff is the things that I buy them. That is such a tiny thing, but it makes me smile.

They come up and try to make me smile. They love the sound of me playing the guitar. They always play in the bath. They love it when you spray them with water. They can go to a restaurant and behave relatively well for over an hour.

I love them. A lot. Even when they make me crazy. Which is generally how I feel by 6 pm, or whenever my husband gets here. And I will miss them this weekend.

The Titular Survey

*Name the most terrifying moment of your life so far:
Before and during my c-section. I was so scared I was literally shaking. Hard. Not fun. Definitely the scariest moment of my life.

*If you could bring one character to life from your favorite book, who would it be?:
Either Sadad or Hotohori. If anyone (besides Glory) knows who these people are, you get a prize.

*Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with? Least like?:
-Like: Mike. ;) Or any of my girls.
-Least: My last boyfriend. It would be horrifying and awkward and I don't think I'd be able to stand talking to him for longer than 15 seconds before crying.

*List 5 people you know. Then describe each of them in 5 words:
- Hinna-sweet pink lexi future doctor
- Catherine-awkward funny animal loving friend
- Gwen-beastly basketball movie loving queen
- Boo- my sister from another mother
- Mike- you are the only exception

*What outfit or article of clothing do you like to see your spouse wearing the most?:
- I don't have one yet, but I'm working on it! A suit, probably. Anything black. I also like him bare-ass nekkid, but that's kind of what got us in trouble in the first place, ain't it? ;)

*What was the most recent movie that made you cry?:
- Haven't seen one recently, so when Denny Douquet died on Grey's Anatomy.

*If you could be any age again for one week, what age would you be?
:)

*If you could cast any living actor to play you in a movie, who would it be?:
Eva Green as Vesper Lynn

*If you could have one superpower, which would you choose?:
I'd be Wolverine. I'd live forever with regenerative power and large steely claws.

*If you could choose where and how you were to die, what would you choose?:
I'm lame. Definitely of old age. Or amidst loud gunfire and the clashing of swords.

*If you knew when your last meal was going to be, what would you choose to eat for it?:
A MASSIVE salad from the olive garden. Seafood fettucini alfredo. Lots of sparkly red grape juice. Lots of bread and olive oil and spices. My grandma's homemade tortillas. A long island iced tea or two. And something with chocolate.

*If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose?:
- Firefly or Buffy. I'd be AWESOME in Firefly. I'd be dead in Buffy-world, or I'd want to be a Scooby. Or I'd be a Willow-love interest.

*If you joined the circus, what act would you most want to perform?:
Trapeze artist

*You see three teenagers making fun of a mentally handicapped man in the street. What do you do?:
Beat the hell out of them.

*What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?:
Reading. Candy. Music. My various underwater basketweaving classes. Michael.

*Imagine it's a dark night, you are alone, it's raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?:
My dad and Mike. The police. And then I grab my gun and the barstool.

*If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?:
I'm going with money, because I have love. WORLD PEACE!!!

*If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
I'd have a massive orgy. Yea, that's right, I went there.
But in reality, I'd probably spend as much time as I could with my family, both individually and all together. And that last meal would be EPIC.

*What's the worst thing about being your gender?:
- That time of the month.Hahahah

*What is the strangest dream you've ever had?:
The one where I have a perfect date, surgery, go home and find out someone has just stabbed and killed me.

*Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?:
- True Love with heart break. But in reality, when you hand someone else your heart, like I'd hope you would do if you were truly loving someone, they will break it. One way or another.

*Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. What got you to that point?:
Lots and lots of stress tends to get me there.

*What is more difficult for you- looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?:
Both

*If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?:
Probably. But if I were caught, why would I need to confess? I'd already be caught...

*Would you rather have ten kids, or none?:
None.

*What do you do when you get nervous?:
I tend to run away. Or lash out. I had a friend that called me hellkitten for a reason.

*Be honest, do you like people in general?:
For the most part.

*Does anyone completely understand you?:
I think Mike and Boo do, on occasion.