For a Friend

I went and saw some friends yesterday
and it was gloriously good, and I feel renewed
spiritually because an afternoon and evening spent
with friends is more healing to me then a lifetime spent
at a church.

Girl time combined with favorite couple I know time
is awesome. Thankfully they don't get tired of me bumming
around their place sporadically.

And while there will be a post about them someday, because
I love them, and this is the only tribute of worth I can think of
that is not what this is about.
While I was there, I noticed that my friend had a
book on his shelves. As I looked further, I saw he had multiple books
by this particular author which lead to a conversation that had my other
friend abandoning us for a few moments as we reminisced.

The author of these books was named Brian Jacques.
He wrote the Redwall series of books, as well as the Castaways of the
Flying Dutchman series.
Both my friend and I read them, him back in the early nineties, I expect
and I starting around a decade ago, at the age of 11.
And my friend then let me know that Brian Jacques died in 2011.
And I didn't know until last night.

So dear Mr. Jacques,
I did not know you personally
but I feel your loss like we were friends.
The words you wrote sustained me during elementary and middle school.
You taught me about the fantasy genre, and what beautifully descriptive stories
do for the imagination. When I was lonely and friendless and in pain, Martin and
Mattimeo and Mariel and Matthias and Triss and everyone else in that world
comforted me and loved me and told me I could be a warrior even though
I was young and female and angry and alone.
That the strength of your heart
could be better than the strength of your arms.
And that being a legend
does not always involve being the bad guy.
That being a hero and being afraid are not mutually exclusive things.
That regardless of your upbringing, it is the choices you make
that define who you are and what people remember about you.

So thank you Brian Jacques
you gave me the first nightmare I can remember
with a snake that I've been terrified of for years
and an eye for beautiful descriptions in literature
and stories that I'll be telling my children for years to come.
For giving me connections with friends
and connections when I didn't have friends.
I will pour out a libation for you tonight
and light a cigar
and think of you.
You will be mourned
you will be missed.

In another Life

In an alternate universe,
There are many things I might do differently
and I say in a different universe
because if I did things differently here, I might
change how things are now.
and I don't think I'd want to change.
But in an alternate universe.

I'd ask for help more throughout my life
but mostly I'd ask for help and tried to stay
in that first apartment.

I'd try harder as I was growing up
to learn to keep things neat
because it is harder to learn how
to keep it neat as I grow older.

I'd save my money starting my freshman year of high school.

I would play paintball as much as possible
and play as much as possible.

I would tell him that
I was sorry and that I want to be friends
even if we weren't meant to be one true loves.
I would tell several people that, actually.

I would refuse to kiss that guy for his first kiss.
I would flirt a lot more
and I would go running all the time
and I would brush my teeth twice a day, every day
and not ever skip.

I would stick to choir, even though I was pregnant
just so I could have something to do that was away and
that kept up my music.

I would have used protection
and not been ashamed.

I would continue going to therapy,
even if it is expensive.

I would take my meds more regularly.

I would have worked harder at school.

But now I work to change myself in the now, rather than the later.

Happy Birthday, Love.

Hi you
So it was your birthday a few days ago
and I feel like the worst person ever
because I didn't get you anything.
Even though I gave you fifty dollars
and you said that was okay
I feel like it isn't.
And you won't tell me what you want
for Christmas
and it is upsetting me
because even if I don't have money
I want you to be happy.

And that is what it comes down to
More than anything in my life,
I want you to be happy.
More than my own life.
And you piss me off sometimes
and you break little bits of my heart
in ways that I never thought possible,
but that is the truth of it.

We are best friends and
I've had many of those and
I know that means pain to some degree
because you know me well enough to hurt me
but also well enough to love me
more than anyone.

You love me when I'm sweaty
and when I'm gone the majority of the day
and when I steal your socks
and your 3DS
and when I don't want to play
with you.
And when I'm angry at the kids
or you
and you make me smile
and sometimes you stand outside the shower
and talk to me while I wash my hair.
And deal with my weird questions
and my constant music
and for a long time
 you dealt with my various hostilities
with extreme finesse considering who I
Was being difficult with.

You are my perfect mix of man
and child.
We play together and work together
and I enjoy that.
Try not to be so hostile
and I'll do my best not to
as well.

I love you
and Happy Birthday.

I had a migraine yesterday
it made the world feel so hostile
it was insane.
Noises became painful
and light was the enemy.

Fortunately, sleep and water and
medication prevailed
and relative sanity has been restored
to my body and my brain.

Not that there was a whole hell
of a lot to begin with. It is nice to have
all the parts functioning well.

We now have a WiiU. I'm glad he
likes it, because I have so much trouble learning
new gaming systems. Grrr. But I'm happy if he's happy.
Thankfully, he isn't hard to please.

It has gotten cold in the last few days. I
am enjoying it a ridiculous amount. I still haven't smoked my cigar
but I will. Someday!

Oh today

" I confess to almighty God
 and to you, my brothers and sisters
that I have sinned through my own fault
in my thought and in my words
through what I have done
and what I have failed to do."

I confess
that the majority of the time
I do not know if I believe in God.
I believe that there is some higher power
but I doubt it is only limited to a
Christian belief.
But I sing in the choir at my church any way
because there is power in the
kyrie eleison
and because
there is no where else to cultivate
the music that lives
somewhere in me.

I confess
that I hate the way people look at me some
times.
Like I am a pretty head
on a fat body.
And I am, I am overweight
and I like to eat
and drink
and laugh loudly.

I confess
that feeling tipsy saturday night
felt so good
I laughed so loudly
and had trouble walking straight
even in flats
but it felt good
and made me forget
and
and
and

I confess that even if
I don't believe in the words of the Mass
I hear these words in my head
when I sleep
because 21 years hearing them once a week
will make them stuck.
and I don't think they are perfect
or good
or right
but I hear them anyway

Fantasies

This is going to be a lot less disturbing then the title implies.

My fantasy currently is just to be in my own place. I want to be in a house or an apartment with my husband and my kids and I. I want there to be a couch that I can let my friends spend the night on, and a room for my kids to play in and a room for me and my husband. I want to get rid of over half the stuff I own so I don't feel so crowded all the time. It doesn't even have to be a house at this point, I just want to be without extra people. I want to have a party in my own place. I want to only be afraid of my kids breaking MY stuff. I only want to be embarrassed by my husband in front of ME, not with his parents involved. I want to be able to invite my mom over.

I want to be able to fuck up my own kitchen. I want to be able to watch TV without worrying about people judging me for watching what I want to watch, with the exception of my husband, because who cares? I want to walk around MY place clothed the way I want to be clothed.

I hate even having hope for this sort of thing. It seems like an impossible dream, like we will never actually get there. I hate living with other people, and it is nothing personal about the people, but I want to stop feeling like I'm just pretending to be an adult.

I am just so tired of all this nonsense.