Flying and Friends, or flying with friends.

Flying
for the first time
is like a roller coaster
but a thousand times more
terrifying.

I hate roller coasters.
They make my hands shake
and my stomach hurt.
I don't feel well or safe for hours
after I've ridden one. There is
no room for them in my head.

But flying
is like five hundred roller coasters
as your stomach drops and you see
your line of vision shift
and you feel gravity change
but the wind doesn't hit your face
and you can hear people laughing around you
and the voices of your friends telling you
it is okay
we are safe
this is good

There is comfort in my friends.
We laugh about books and how the ground looks
different and we speculate about where we are and how
glad we are that the flight is only 3 hours long, tops.
We argue over what to drink on the plane and
I am grateful at how much they make me laugh
in the midst of new terror.
How looking through the Skymall magazine
makes things feel normal and joking about wanting
scotch at 7 am makes you Hemingway, and not even slightly
an alcoholic.
The taste of fear, when I'm with my friends,
goes from entirely bitter
to sweet and sour
because even though my stomach hurts
it is because I'm laughing with them.

We fill three hours up so quickly
because we laugh and we read and
complain about the horrors of technology
and on the way back, I'll order a drink
that will probably live in infamy as long as we are friends.
There will always be something
so homey
about travelling with friends.

Today

I feel calm today

Yesterday was difficult but got 

a lot better with the help of my dad

and my husband.

I am calm

but my mouth and foot hurts

and there are no doctors in for a while.

And one of my friends' birthdays is on Saturday,

and that is good.  

The internet works 

and that is good. 

My husbands hours have changed

and that is frustrating 

because less time on the right side of the day

with my best friend is frustrating.

But my room is cleaner and

my head is clearer

and looking for a house is oh so hard

and applying for jobs is frustrating 

And I have over 600 books to read

and all of my stuff is boxed up

and that is good.

And I may reread Good Omens again

because I love the book

and re-watch Battlestar Galactica 

because all of my ROSLIN/ADAMA feels 

cannot be contained

and I'll watch the Fourth Kind with my

husband tonight

because who doesn't like being scared out of their 

minds by creepy demon-aliens?

I am here 

today

Post-Christmas Insanity

Merry late Christmas
again, I suppose
Kindles and books and music
and happy little boys running around
everywhere, with toy cars and new socks,
trying to knock over Christmas trees
and every one is drinking the egg nog.
Three separate Christmases and one more
this weekend.
Today will be the quietest New Years Eve you can imagine
just being with him is the most pleasant thing
I can think of,
because it is quiet and pleasant
and just what I need right now.
I went and saw Les Miserables.
I cried about 10 times.
It is just so lovely.
I went this weekend to see extended family.
I only cried once.
Ugh.
Christmas wins.
Freezing, frozen Christmas wins.
Fortunately, my children were a huge hit
and my parents bought me two winter coats
which will make going outside a great deal easier.
In completely unsurprising circumstances
he didn't talk to me hardly at all last night.
I could over analyze it, but mostly I just assume he was tired
from staying up all the nights I was gone until 3 in the morning.
Are my feelings hurt? A little, but nothing is terminal
and to be fair, as soon as I got home, I went to go spend
time with one of my best friends. Across town.
For hours.
Because of all of these factors
I feel both less and more stressed.
I've done badly this month
in my writing.
fuck.
Not enough.

Happy Birthday, Love.

Hi you
So it was your birthday a few days ago
and I feel like the worst person ever
because I didn't get you anything.
Even though I gave you fifty dollars
and you said that was okay
I feel like it isn't.
And you won't tell me what you want
for Christmas
and it is upsetting me
because even if I don't have money
I want you to be happy.

And that is what it comes down to
More than anything in my life,
I want you to be happy.
More than my own life.
And you piss me off sometimes
and you break little bits of my heart
in ways that I never thought possible,
but that is the truth of it.

We are best friends and
I've had many of those and
I know that means pain to some degree
because you know me well enough to hurt me
but also well enough to love me
more than anyone.

You love me when I'm sweaty
and when I'm gone the majority of the day
and when I steal your socks
and your 3DS
and when I don't want to play
with you.
And when I'm angry at the kids
or you
and you make me smile
and sometimes you stand outside the shower
and talk to me while I wash my hair.
And deal with my weird questions
and my constant music
and for a long time
 you dealt with my various hostilities
with extreme finesse considering who I
Was being difficult with.

You are my perfect mix of man
and child.
We play together and work together
and I enjoy that.
Try not to be so hostile
and I'll do my best not to
as well.

I love you
and Happy Birthday.

I had a migraine yesterday
it made the world feel so hostile
it was insane.
Noises became painful
and light was the enemy.

Fortunately, sleep and water and
medication prevailed
and relative sanity has been restored
to my body and my brain.

Not that there was a whole hell
of a lot to begin with. It is nice to have
all the parts functioning well.

We now have a WiiU. I'm glad he
likes it, because I have so much trouble learning
new gaming systems. Grrr. But I'm happy if he's happy.
Thankfully, he isn't hard to please.

It has gotten cold in the last few days. I
am enjoying it a ridiculous amount. I still haven't smoked my cigar
but I will. Someday!

Tiny thing that broke my heart

So,
my husband and I fight,
like hard-core fight
maybe once every two weeks or so.
And it can get ugly, but it tends
to resolve itself so we end up letting it go.

But I want to say around a week ago
we got in a fight
and before I explain it to you
here are some facts of life

I hate 3D things. It feels like it is flying at my face.
I hate whales. This stems from a very very young
viewing of Pinnochio and the whale from it (monstro)
in both the disney and the european (?) version
are firmly cemented as things of terror in my mind. I also
hate murky water and sharks.
The Life of Pi commercial has a whale at the end of it. It looks like
it is coming at the screen. It also involves a storm with murky waters.
I've also seen this commercial about 5 to 6 times all the way through.
Also, I feel physically ill when I see whales.
All of these things my husband knows.
Also, we both have 3Ds'. I use mine a lot less than he does.

So, in that light, a week ago, he handed me his 3Ds
and tells me to watch this video, it is really cool!
I get about 15 seconds in only to realize it is the Life of Pi trailer
and I start to get really REALLY pissed. I mean
it isn't like I haven't told him MULTIPLE times
about the paragraph above.
So I shove it back at him, because I don't want to see
this commercial.
He starts yelling at me, saying that the whale is only in
the last 20 seconds.
I started yelling at him, asking him if he's forgotten all my other issues.

This fight ended with him asking me when I could go back to therapy
and then saying he was sorry I had so many issues.

I don't think he has any idea
how long those words have stayed with me this week.
I'm pretty sure that in my mind I'll be hearing those words
for a long time.

Terrified.

“I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand ; the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep; there are no words for that.”

― Brian Andreas, Story People: Selected Stories & Drawings of Brian Andreas

Terrifying moments in my life include
the times I have almost been caught
the times I have been caught,
changing into a leather barbarian outfit
suspecting I was pregnant,
waiting for the test to be done
2 minutes until my life is changed,
one way or another,
when the doctor came in and said
yes you are pregnant
when they said,
oh my gosh
and waited a full damn minute
to tell me it meant twins.
when I had the spinal epidural
and it hurt
but then I couldn't move
when they opened me up on the table
and my chest started to hurt
no one told me what was going on
and I was terrified.
When i first saw my twins
life was changed
radically and terrifying.
and everytime they fall
it scares me
but yesterday
when my husband went to the hospital
because we were afraid it was a stroke
that was terrifying
because I have no idea what
I'd do without him
besides give up.
glad it turned out okay
but still

Saturday stuff

He said something yesterday
that made me smile.
he told me that he missed the apartment
and just me and him and
the kids.
and I have felt that way for a long time
since we left the apartment actually
and so, this made me smile.

Beyond that, I saw
Paranormal Activity 4 last night.
I screamed at least 8 times
and the theater full of people behind me
were doing the same thing
the last 5 minutes were definitely the most
frightening. 2 of those minutes ultimately proved
that even if everything is brightly lit,
horror in broad daylight is still
pretty fucking scary.

I started (again) the Vampire Diaries.
It is simultaneously good and bad.
and funny and silly.
I'm not too far in, but I want to catch up before the fourth
season goes insane. It is kind of cute
Here's hoping it gets better
or these people get smarter.
I like the idea of witches best.

I went through my writing and as
it turns out, I'm getting down about
5000 or so words a month.
Which is way up from the normal 1000
I was cranking out, but way down from
where I want to be. I want to make these
posts longer and I want to start (or continue)
writing fiction
but I'm not even sure where to begin.
It seems easier to journal the highs and lows
of my day but even then I'm not telling all of the
truth here.
There's few names and even fewer tellings of
where the connections are, I assume because I'm afraid
of people finding me.
or judging me.
Which is dumb for a multitude of reasons
because this is mine
my own
my precious......

Okay, all creepiness aside.
I'm a total fucking mess.
I have no motivation for anything, besides maybe writing
I want a job, but can't find one.
I hate cleaning, which makes my husband hate me.
I can't sleep well without Ambien.
I need a nap normally, but on a regular basis, I find myself having
trouble going to sleep.
I am waiting for my Halloween costume, but I have no where to go thats
technically appropriate to wear it.
I have a sexy costume, but I am fat so am I allowed to be sexy?
I hate 3D movies. I hate them so much. Going to the movies has
given me huge amounts of anxiety since I was little and so the advent
of movies where things intentionally jump out at you makes me
very afraid to set foot at or around movie theaters that show them.

circles

Some of the best days
I can remember
are the ones where me and mike
(my husband)
were together alone.
He used to have days off
sometimes
and the best ones were days
with blue skies
where we drove in cars
and the times where we
went to Renaissance Festival
and we would hang out
and watch movies together
and talk excessively
to the point where we would
fall asleep together.
Him trying to get me to stay awake
during some movies
or teaching me to play video
or computer games.
me reading to him
some of my favorite books
or the news
or whatever was going on that day.
or sitting snuggled together at church
and him waking me up whenever
it was time to
stand or kneel
laying in the grass
after having a strawberry daquiri
and the way he looked at me
like he was proud of me.
Sometimes I remember
how he was crazy or brave
and it still impresses
me.
falling in love in the middle of target
falling in love at a bar
where, while we talked
I rested my legs on his
and laughed
and hated how the beer smelled.
Or how he taught me to smoke
and to love cigars
something that carries on.
and the thousand times he's broken my
heart through little things
he's made it new with
a million more.
honeymooning in san antonio
or the way I always like the movies
he wants me to watch
even when I protest.
Or the way we laughed until we cried
when he scared me
the two straight months we watched
Weeds
after I had the twins
and cackled so much
we sometimes woke up the kids.
or the time we went paintballing together
and how scared I was
and how much fun I had.
how hard we laughed while he was looking
for a job
but on nights
we were watching
How I Met Your Mother.
and when we went to TGIFridays once
he ordered 2 separate Long Islands
and I drank both of them
before he got any.
and how hard it is for me to pick
out his presents,

sometimes
when we are sitting
just us two
in a quiet restaurant
I remember these days
those halcyon days
and long for them
and it hurts me for a little while
but I also remember
that no matter what age I am
they will be coming back
they are always coming
life is a circle
and the circle
just keeps spinning.

This night is creeping upon us
me, really
My husband is out having
fun with his friends.
I'm glad, because he has needed
some interaction with people
besides customers, his parents
his kids
and me
and I'm glad for him
but I'm sitting by myself
in my bedroom
and I'm missing him.

Because I like spending time
with him,
I like hanging out with him.
It feels very quiet without
him.

A love story, part 2

So after the painful breakup of January

I finally went back to school

and people walked around me

more carefully which

was kind of silly

because I definitely cried

more than I screamed.

But after that I dated someone else

K, we'll call him

and it was funny and pleasant

and honestly, a long time coming

as we had been flirting for a long time

and I had been his first kiss

and he needed a girlfriend

and I needed a person 

who would love me 

for a while

and he did

and I did

and after graduation

life got tough because

we didn't see each other everyday

and people weren't as supportive

and it
just
got
hard
so I ended it. And he was horribly
sad and i was sad
but I knew I wanted to be single
in college
but

One day,

after months had passed

and I had graduated high school

and time had healed me, for the most part

(and it had, kind of, because I contacted him in May, maybe

after cutting off contact in January

But only to tell him that I had gotten into college)
but then I contacted the man
I had fallen in love with
once
and told him how I was
doing
and asked how he was
doing
and lo and behold
he was single!

I believe I was angry
when I found out
because he broke up with
me for someone who wasn't the love
of his life because I knew when we first dated
that this was someone who I'd never get tired of.
but that didn't matter too much
so we talked a while
and decided to go for lunch one day.
And I got excited.

generic day post

These days
I am tired every day
but I am trying to make sure
that my kids are happy
that my husband is happy
that my parents are happy
so the me being happy part
often feels like it is the last
thing on the list

My husband brought
me red roses yesterday
when he came home
for no reason
just because
I wonder what his reasoning
is
but maybe it is just because
and the roses are lovely
and they make everything
smell good

this week has been long
and it will be
until saturday afternoon maybe
but even then
it will be long
because sunday is respect life sunday
and that means mass will be long
and full of pejoratives
about women
and I don't know if I love singing the music
enough to ignore it
my dad told me to go to the bathroom then
which made me laugh
because the idea of taking a dump
while someone is actively telling others
lies
is hilariously horrible
which pretty much sums up
what I might be doing
on sunday


In any case,
at least no one personally tries to
convince me to be pro-life
on a daily basis
my mom talks about it sometime
but not enough for it to be more
than just kind of annoying
which is handle- able
for the most part


long long days

damn

Hello today
fully of Once Upon a Time
Grey's Anatomy
666 Park Avenue
all of which made me smile at some point
but Battlestar Galactica win all of you
except for maybe Once Upon A Time
maybe

Sleepy sleepy
sleepy
from a night of tossing
and turning
Being this sleepy feels weird
and it is harder to get cool
to cool off
and to fall asleep again

and the children
are happy and screamy
and they like to knock on the walls

I have a brother-in-law
my husbands' older brother
he is 30
but looks younger
a priest
handsome and muscular
and funny and smart
he came over saturday
and brought the kids
birthday gifts
because
he missed their birthday
last week


Watching him and my husband
is funny
because they look so similar
and they both have the same laugh
he got the boys
Mr. Potato Heads
which they are both currently
solely playing with
and we all watched The Avengers
and screamed
and said THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART
incidentally
my brother in law
said that MUCH more than I did
and we discussed
how uncomfortable Black Widows' outfit looked

and I felt like he could be a part of my family
too
which is a pleasant feeling
I've missed him
we don't see each other longer than 20 minutes
or so
every month
mostly he hangs out with his parents
and I don't see him
and I can't really invite him
because we aren't in my place


damn.

my love, a love story

I fell in love with him
the day we went to Target
and sat down in starbucks
and talked over coffee
which he then told me
he didn't like.

I listened to him tell me
about his life
and slowly plucked
the hairs on his arm
an uncalculated move
and not something I remember
deciding to do
it was around that time
I fell in love
because he bought me coffee
and held my hand
and was kind.


Or maybe it was our first kiss
after the Christmas Eve mass
my arm was broken
and I wore a purple dress
that clashed with my red cast
but I felt radiant
and my parents took
a picture of us in front
of the poinsettias.
and we were both young
and thin
and happy
for that four weeks
but that first kiss
my first kiss
with a man with a beard
it was different
than any I'd had before
"kiss me now"
in a pew at the church
after mass
I felt myself start to fall.
too bad that things that fall
get broken.

and four weeks later
he came over
and told me
I love her
and I kissed her
and I'm sorry.
and he cried
and I cried
and we spent the rest of the weekend together
I cried a lot
and we watched stupid movies
and on sunday
he dropped me off at my house
for the last time
I told him not to contact me
until I contacted him
and he drove away
and I didn't go to school for two days after
because everything hurt too much

but he didn't contact me
like I asked
and I hurt
and hurt
and hurt
and hurt
but because it was my senior year
I eventually let go
and graduated
and partied
and played
and then it was june
and things changed again.

while on our date

While on our date
he said something
that made me think
I told him that I was
afraid to post things that
I like
things that I believe
on public venues
like facebook
because what if she saw?
what if her friends saw?
what if someone saw
and said
that girl
she isn't catholic any more
she is pro choice
she is agnostic
she might be a witch
she is bisexual
she is
she is
she is

What would happen then?
What would happen?
what would-

Wait
he said



People who hate others
because of who they are
or what they believe
are stupid
personal belief
not inflicted, but internal
should have nothing to do
with whether or not
they still love you
because regardless of your
past lovers, current beliefs,
love is love
and she would be the asshole
for not loving you


and he took my hand and said
remember that I love you
not in spite of
but because of
all of you


and then we went back to eating
buffalo wing samosas
dipped in ranch
burning hot
and drinking drinks
and talking politics
and at one point,
I asked the waitress
if she would mind
if I stabbed him in the leg
with a fork
and we all laughed


but I won't forget
what you told me
because even if our kisses aren't
perfectly romantic
and even if you fart in
the bed
you love me
because of
and not in spite of
me

It is Friday morning and it has been a LONG week what with being sick and trying to organize my kids' second birthday stuff. No one has been particularly helpful or even very specific about the things they want to do, with the exception of my parents. I get annoyed because my parents always want to have things about a month in advance, which can be extremely annoying, but it is pretty annoying that I can't get a straight answer the freaking DAY before a birthday. Two birthdays.

All my husband and I can do is scream at each other. He blames me for all his issues. We were both crying last night. I just can't be everyone's comforter. I can't even comfort myself appropriately so why am I expected to do that for two kids and my husband on top of it?

I need to clean. I need to get my kids upstairs so I can at least try. I'd also like to get some of the garbage out. I am just hating everything currently.

A Post That Technically Took Three Days...... geez

I just took an Ambien.  Sweet, sweet sleep soon, hopefully. Or I would now, if my husband would get off the freaking Star Wars game. Grrrr....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~
Good morning....I passed out about two minutes after writing that last night. Today has been kind of pleasant. Some one threw away my leftovers which I was planning on eating this morning and that was extremely annoying but I'm over it now, kind of. My kids are being ridiculously snarky, but I'm not sure if it is just me or they are really being snarky. I'm feeling kind of off so I've mostly been reading Firefly fanfiction and wondering why my elbow hurts so damn much. Owie!

The children do make me smile, though. As does my husband. And books. I've still been reading voraciously, although I'm stuck between multiple books (for example, I'm reading Waiter Rant, Anansi Boys, Good Omens, Anyone can Cook, Lasher and some Jack Ketchum books. And some fanfiction ). As you might imagine, it can get hard to cram everything into my brain so much and I get very annoyed when I am interrupted. Which is almost constantly, by nearly everyone I know.

Let's see....

6 Songs I listen to the Most
1. 8th of November by Big and Rich
2.Somebody that I Used to Know by Gotye
3.Summertime by Michelle Branch
4. Dancin' Away with My Heart by Lady Antebellum
5.Satellite by Anna Nalick
6. Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift.

How Do I Vent My Anger?

Well, it honestly depends on who. With my parents, mostly I bottle it up and then rant at my husband. If it is with my husband, I rant at my husband. When it is my kids, I put them in a safe place and then go to my room and breathe deeply and try not to scream loudly. When it is anyone else, I can either rant at them or let it go and rant later. At my husband. Who is deeply patient with me about this stuff.

I have a weird obsession with cookbooks. They need to have pictures, though, I like to see what I'm making. I prefer to know what the end result will look like and I get annoyed when I have to look on the internet for an after picture.

What is the weirdest thing (s) I have in my room?
Well, I had a large collection of forks up until yesterday. I have a Solitary Witch practicioner book, as well as an Anatomy for Students. I also have a giant jar of coins and a black panther statue. Although the sheer number of books I own is pretty ridiculous. Also, cigars. Good ones.

My least favorite food, drink, color.
I hate guacamole, anything with Gin and orange. Dear god, what a horrible color.

I don't have a favorite book. It is way too hard to pick one. I read continuously and I love many books. It really doesn't matter what type, I love everything.

I sang at church today. It was fantastic, and the preaching was quick, which was good. I'm desperately tired after all the stuff today. I also ate lunch with my family, which was fun and delicious. I find the dynamics rather interesting these days, but I think I'll address that  in a different post.

'Til next time, fellow kittens,
Hellkitten

twins and sopranos

I am the worst mother ever some days.

I don't have patience for anything.

I can't stop raising my voice.

They try to make me laugh but I can't.

They like to drive their little cars on the wall. It is super loud.

They are so cute.

But they are two. Or about 3 weeks from two. So they always want their way, they are super whiny and they throw their food. And everything else. But everyone else thinks they are the cutest ever.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm on anti depressants, so I'm feeling a little less 100% down, but I'm still feeling pretty horrible on my off days. I need to have my own place. Or rather, my family needs our own home. I think things would be easier if we had our own place. I don't know how long it will take. Sometimes it seems soon and at other times, it feels so far away.

On a lighter note, I did a voice check/audition for a choir yesterday. I did a lot better than I expected, seeing as I haven't sung in a non-shower capacity in almost three years, seeing as I quit a choir I'd been in for six years when I found out I was pregnant. Getting pregnant at nineteen was not good for my career as a singer. Not that I had one to begin with. In any case, the choir director listed me as a second soprano, but said she'd move me up to first within a month or two. First practice is tonight, that is good!

My husband is trying so hard to remind me that there's good right now. I don't see it very well. There are good parts sometimes, but so much of it just makes me want to curl up in bed permanently.

I'm Baaaack

Hello-

Hellkitten here.

Back to the writing. As it turns out, for the most part, tumblr is NOT a place I would use for a personal blog. It is fun to see all the cool stuffs and whatnot, but those are glimpses into what I like, not specific things about how I'm feeling. So I'm back. To write at least. If you want to creep on my tumblr, definitely no problem here. Expect lots of buffy, feminist stuff, Avengers.

www.hellkittensbooks.blogspot.com

Here's hoping someone can use my reviews of books and whatnot. Not like the internet doesn't contain enough critics.....

Anyway, several things about how or what I'm doing


My kids are two this month. Eeep! They are ridiculously sweet and very stubborn. They like cats and dogs and they LOVE cars. They won't say please but they will say 'thank you.' They give hugs and kisses. Today when they heard me sing, they stopped playing and stared at me. It was pretty cute! They give me a great deal of anxiety, but that is not really their fault. It is more because there is two of them and the situation and the fact that I can't babyproof worth a shit. Also, I'm not in my own house. Or apartment.

Speaking of which, another thing. I'm living with the in-laws. Shockingly, there's been almost no conflict. I've enjoyed myself a good deal. I really really need to get another place. My sanity is heading in a downward spiral. I miss having my own place. Hopefully, we are heading out soon.

Been reading voraciously recently. Hence the blog about the books.

I've recently begun posting on a feminist website. I won't tell you which, because I'm just commenting, but still, it's nice being a part of a community that doesn't constantly insult you, trigger you, or just generally be an asshole.

My hair is reddish.

This is a much shorter post then I originally meant it to be. More to come.


Hellkitten

Happy two year, love

…You alone are the sources of my grief,
you alone can grant the grace of consolation.
You alone have the power to make me sad,
to make me happy or to console me…
And the greater irony is that my love
then turned to such insanity
that the one thing it desired above all else
was the one thing it put irrevocably beyond its reach
in that one instant when, at your command,
I changed my habit along with my heart
to show that my body along with my heart
belonged only to you.

I never wanted anything in you
but you alone,
nothing of what you have
but you yourself,
never a marriage, never a dowry,
never any pleasure, any purpose of my own—
as you well know—
but only yours.
~Heloise, in her letter to Peter Abelard

Happy 2 years, baby!

24 days until we are MARRIED. And then we will have a new anniversary and it will be back to the beginning, right? Kind of, I guess. I’m not entirely sure how to go about this, because obviously this anniversary is a minimal one but I want to let you know that I remember how we got started.

Granted, us getting started involved me hitting on your best friend and me breaking my arm, so perhaps we didn’t have the most auspicious start, but whatever, it makes for funny stories, right? Living with you, as difficult as it has been, has been the best time of my life. And it will only get better.

So I just wanted to remind you that I love you and that the last year has been magical. Really. Happy two year anniversary, darling. You make me happy.

Love,

Megan

ps. I promise a better letter on our wedding day, J