morning thoughts

Sometimes
you reach out and touch me
or you say "I love you " casually
I feel like I'm burning.
Please stop
but don't ever stop.

____________________________
I find myself secretly terrified
little ones
that the only way I'll appreciate you
is when you are not by my side
because when you are here I am frustrated
and angry. But when you aren't here,
I am so very sad and lonely.
These are not new feelings to cope with
but new tiny people that these feelings are
about and what do I do with them?

(Insert title here)

I on occasion
mourn for the chance to meet new people
and while I live and hope and all that
I find that making a good impression and keeping one
is particularly difficult in making true friends.

With that in mind mostly I just miss
the warmth of seeing friends on a daily basis
but the friends I've retained past that
are a thousand times more than they were
on a daily basis.

I don't know how to adequately explain
verbalize
how I feel.

oh dearest ones
or one
whoever likes to send me
what I hesitate to call hate on tumblr
because even though it is painful
it is hardly hateful
it is just kind of silly
but it isn't spiteful enough to be hate
just annoying

but anyway
dear one
i am so sorry that my presence causes you
such disturbance and I wonder
do you bookmark my site
or do you just know the name by heart?

I bet if we talked we could find something in common
a mutual need for water or music we both like
or the annoyances of humidity and the effects on hair
Did you know I'm allergic to apples
that my favorite outfit always includes a pair of jeans
no matter what it is
my favorite drink is currently
margaritas of pretty much any flavor
I just love how the lime tastes
I haven't had my nails done in nearly a year
but I just got a haircut last week and having
this little hair feels beyond odd
clusterfuck and circle jerk are some of my favorite words
and how driving across town
even with simple instructions
makes me terrified.
but letting other people drive me places
makes me beyond crazy and there are very few
exceptions to this rule.
I hate that I have to take so many pills
even if they are prescribed
and I wish you the best
even if you hate me.

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

I did
two night shifts
in a row.
What a terrible terrible
idea. Now I feel like a slightly
crazier version of an already deeply
disturbed me. Deeply disturbed me is
annoyed by my lack of sleep and my achy
body parts and can't seem to find a comfortable way to
sit down or lay down or stand or anything.

It is storming outside here
lightening and thunder that I can see
from my comfortable bed and feel the vibrations.
It is comforting and unnerving, all at the same time. Loud noises
and violent sensations mixing with the calming rain that I can't seem to hear
quite as much.

I have a friend
I want to call because
I see that he and his significant other
broke up and I want to know if he's doing okay
but I already took an ambien and I am freakishly tired
and I want to just take him to have lunch or something
where I can hold his hand.
Because when I call him and tell him my friend is being a dick
what do I do
 how do I fix things that I helped break
he calms me down
and when he's in pain
I hold his hand.

I'm back to counting down days
and that's okay.

A Moment of Melancholy (amidst thousands of others, of course)

I have come to realize that
last nights post was the result of sleeping drugs
and a spectacular amount of angst. Retrospectively,
it is both hilarious and embarrassing. I'll leave it up that
way if one day I become a politician, I can be humiliated for
the rest of my life by the random 12 of you that keep reading this.
I think this speaks more of your terrible taste then my terrible writing
but honestly, it is your eyes you are choosing to sully.

I miss my cats. I know they
aren't really mine, that I didn't buy them,
or the food for them, but every time I come
around, they permanently reside in my arms or on
my shoulders, purring like motor boats and sleeping on
me. In the place where I live, the chihuahua does not cut it,
not when you know what it is like to have a purring soft animal
take up residents on your pillow next to your face and to realize
that it loves you for tonight. And then waking up to it staring at you
like a creeper. Cats are masters (mistresses?) of subtlety, while this
dog simply screams loudly for your attention.
I am an animal elitist. OH GOD.

I had a teacher in high school who
taught philosophy to me. He taught Latin to multiple others
but due to my lack of knowledge in the area, he refused me
entry into his Latin class my senior year of high school. I was not
amused. I have never been what one would consider to be a serious
student but Latin was one of the few areas I enjoyed and excelled as much as
I could. Which also included spending money on tutors. Life was frustrating at
times.
In any case, he taught philosophy to me. I had him the period after lunch and
I can remember being irritated all the time, because there were a million 'aha' moments
that were taken over by my overwhelming urge to sleep off my lunch. He let me come in early
to the classroom sometimes and ask him questions about the homework or talk to him
about my recent religion crises. I miss him dearly.
At any time I saw him, when he saw I was in pain, before or after I graduated
he saw the truth of who I was.
And he died.
Not too long ago.
I don't remember him every moment or even every day
but sometimes I see my philosophy book on the shelf
or The Reluctant Warrior on netflix
or some word makes me think of him
or I will write something
because he loved my writing.

And he's here for a minute.

So thank you for caring about me, Mr. Hoffman.
You make me want to do better.

The sky isn't that nice today
and I don't feel that great
because jobs aren't forthcoming
and a house or an apartment feels
a long way away even though it may be pretty short
But I just bought something for our new place
a little hellboy figurine
because I want my place
to feel like mine
wherever I am
so in my new place
I want to only have stuff I love
if it is mine
than I better like it
or I'm getting rid of it.
Hang my dreamcatcher on the wall
put my rainbow cactus on my golden bookshelf
and my little statues
and one day a little model firefly to remind me
that no one can take the sky from me.

and I'll play Les Miserables all the time
and enjoy Battlestar Galactica on occasion
and have my own couch to sit on
with my person
and invite over friends
and make my own fucking smoothies
and have fun with my kids in their room
and cook all the crappy food ever.
It will be awesome.
And now I feel better.

Dark.

Some nights the taste of love is sweet
and there is laughter in this room
where we tussle, play, fight,
make love.
and then talk until we sleep.
There is a general sense of peace and love
here
on some nights.

And then there are nights like tonight
where the dark feels black and cold
and I am full of rage
and our tussling takes on a pained flavor
and he falls asleep
and it is silent.
and there is grief in the air
and anger.
And I do not want to be here anymore.

Tonight I feel alone as he sleeps besides me
and being lonely sucks. For everyone.
So off to bed. A thousand books
should clear my head.

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years

I ran into an old friend on Sunday
and seeing him broke my heart
a little bit.
I sing in the choir and I spent almost the whole
Mass trying to figure out if that was him or not.
And I finally figured out it was him
and we gauged each other but finally
embraced.
I miss him
I miss our friendship and the way
you looked at me
and the way we switched jackets
so I could wear your letterman and
you could wear the coat. I remember
how I showed up to one of your soccer games
and how shocked you looked.
And we sat for a minute quietly in the pews
trying to remember days long gone by
and trying to remember who we are.
I miss you, love.
and I remember.

Darlene part 1

Hey,
it's me.
I don't know if you would recognize me
but if you were still here
I like to think we would be friends
and you would have helped me tell my parents
I was pregnant
and you would have helped me dye my hair
for the first time
and given me this bear ring
that I haven't gone without for
around 7 years.

If you were still here
you would have been the first
person I would have called
after I graduated
after I broke up with every one.
after having sex for the first time
after finding out I was pregnant.
after he proposed.
I would have called you today
when the kids were driving me crazy
no matter where you were.

And you would have come down
for my wedding
standing next to Uncle Ron
in his suit
when I saw him for the first time
as the biggest wedding present I got.
The older I have gotten
the more I have missed you.
And every wolf and dream catcher I see
makes me think of you.

I'd call you today to tell you
how annoying the weather is
because it is cold for two days
and hot for ten more and
honestly, I wish it would just be damn cold in the winter
it would be a lot more straightforward and I could just figure out what
to wear more easily.
I would tell you what extremely weird tv shows
I am watching for now
and how much it sucks
living in this body
how much you loved the
phantom book by
susan kay
and
and
and
why?

I miss you.

If I never Knew you

In my head
we sit next to each other
not talking too much
and maybe discussing what sushi we want to order
how long was the drive?
He always complains no matter what
so I just smile
and we order various things
and talk and pretend like we barely know
each other
because it is pretty hard to
ignore four years of history
even with all the pain.

You will probably make fun
of what I order
no matter what it is
and I'll touch your hair
as much as possible
but we'll avoid skin contact
and eye contact
and we'll scream about how much
we love the birthday girl
because that's what we are there for, right?

I don't know how painful
the day will be
I am a little afraid
and a little excited
and then
you might not be there
and then what was all this for?

Why is it that in my mind
I see you as kind
but when I see you for real
we can't.stop. hurting.

" So you were never a saint
and I loved in shades of wrong
we learn to live with the pain
mosaic broken hearts"

"of course. i miss you."
"would it really be so bad seeing me?"

We tried our hardest to be together
for years
and then we threw it away so quickly
it was like tripping.

I wonder what it is like for
the people who are just friends with you
who have never looked at you and
been in pain
who have never steadfastly looked down their parents
and did not give up every freedom she had
every six months.
I wonder what it is like to look at you
and never have loved you.

I often think it might be easier
but then where would I be?

"And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to

'Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night
We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well

And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well."

~Taylor Swift, All Too Well

So i got the new Taylor Swift Album

which is called Red.

And as usual I got the deluxe edition

and I love it pretty much all over the place

and like I have for the last few albums

I love about half 

and it will take about a month longer

for me to love every song.

For the most part though

I love the songs

they are sad and lovely

and speak to the heart

which is pretty much why I listen to Taylor Swift.

It also makes me melancholy 

Day after Halloween

On the day after Halloween
there is candy everywhere
and bits of costumes scattered all over the house
and pumpkin buckets everywhere
and Halloween consists
of sending pictures to everyone
and alternately loving and hating your own costume
massive headaches
and cookies
and costumes everywhere

I'm sad it is done
because I didn't do everything I wanted to,
but I'm glad I got to do what
my kids wanted
and my husband wanted
and there's always next year.

circles

Some of the best days
I can remember
are the ones where me and mike
(my husband)
were together alone.
He used to have days off
sometimes
and the best ones were days
with blue skies
where we drove in cars
and the times where we
went to Renaissance Festival
and we would hang out
and watch movies together
and talk excessively
to the point where we would
fall asleep together.
Him trying to get me to stay awake
during some movies
or teaching me to play video
or computer games.
me reading to him
some of my favorite books
or the news
or whatever was going on that day.
or sitting snuggled together at church
and him waking me up whenever
it was time to
stand or kneel
laying in the grass
after having a strawberry daquiri
and the way he looked at me
like he was proud of me.
Sometimes I remember
how he was crazy or brave
and it still impresses
me.
falling in love in the middle of target
falling in love at a bar
where, while we talked
I rested my legs on his
and laughed
and hated how the beer smelled.
Or how he taught me to smoke
and to love cigars
something that carries on.
and the thousand times he's broken my
heart through little things
he's made it new with
a million more.
honeymooning in san antonio
or the way I always like the movies
he wants me to watch
even when I protest.
Or the way we laughed until we cried
when he scared me
the two straight months we watched
Weeds
after I had the twins
and cackled so much
we sometimes woke up the kids.
or the time we went paintballing together
and how scared I was
and how much fun I had.
how hard we laughed while he was looking
for a job
but on nights
we were watching
How I Met Your Mother.
and when we went to TGIFridays once
he ordered 2 separate Long Islands
and I drank both of them
before he got any.
and how hard it is for me to pick
out his presents,

sometimes
when we are sitting
just us two
in a quiet restaurant
I remember these days
those halcyon days
and long for them
and it hurts me for a little while
but I also remember
that no matter what age I am
they will be coming back
they are always coming
life is a circle
and the circle
just keeps spinning.

A love story, part 2

So after the painful breakup of January

I finally went back to school

and people walked around me

more carefully which

was kind of silly

because I definitely cried

more than I screamed.

But after that I dated someone else

K, we'll call him

and it was funny and pleasant

and honestly, a long time coming

as we had been flirting for a long time

and I had been his first kiss

and he needed a girlfriend

and I needed a person 

who would love me 

for a while

and he did

and I did

and after graduation

life got tough because

we didn't see each other everyday

and people weren't as supportive

and it
just
got
hard
so I ended it. And he was horribly
sad and i was sad
but I knew I wanted to be single
in college
but

One day,

after months had passed

and I had graduated high school

and time had healed me, for the most part

(and it had, kind of, because I contacted him in May, maybe

after cutting off contact in January

But only to tell him that I had gotten into college)
but then I contacted the man
I had fallen in love with
once
and told him how I was
doing
and asked how he was
doing
and lo and behold
he was single!

I believe I was angry
when I found out
because he broke up with
me for someone who wasn't the love
of his life because I knew when we first dated
that this was someone who I'd never get tired of.
but that didn't matter too much
so we talked a while
and decided to go for lunch one day.
And I got excited.

I miss you

Letter to someone who is never far from my mind- good or bad

Dear J-

This is River
Just so you know
I remember you from the beginning of high school
in 2005
I remember the night after Scottish Festival
where you stayed up with me
the whole night long
and heard me cry
and our plans to run away to
a beach in mexico
a private one
I lost you
and I still can't find you
although I swear one day I will
I swear it
by all the gods
Remember planning the worlds' best
Valentine's day?
Remember calling me to tell me that
Pluto was no longer a planet?
Remember me telling you that missouri city
was almost as close to the woodlands
as it was pasadena
we laughed over my sense of direction
for literal years
Remember me asking how Spiky was
but it didn't really matter any more
because he didn't care about us.
Remember the first time I called
where I actually called Spiky
and you picked up
and I assumed you were his boyfriend
because you were apparently wrapping
Christmas presents together
(I can't believe how well I remember all of this)
Remember me texting you every time
my mom drove me through Pasadena
I still look for you whenever I'm in that general area
I curse my younger self
for not getting specifics
where you worked
all I know is that I drive by your old high school
at least twice a year
and I think
where could you be?
 Your town isn't that big
but where are you now?
You missed my senior year
which went crazy halfway through
you missed it
and I missed you
Remember how in love with that one girl
you were?
Remember how my name is River?
Remember how you taught me
how to feel better during my first year of high school?
I still have your letters
they are in my cigar boxes
and I miss you
I wish you could know my life
J.O
if you read this
my number is the same
I miss you

my love, a love story

I fell in love with him
the day we went to Target
and sat down in starbucks
and talked over coffee
which he then told me
he didn't like.

I listened to him tell me
about his life
and slowly plucked
the hairs on his arm
an uncalculated move
and not something I remember
deciding to do
it was around that time
I fell in love
because he bought me coffee
and held my hand
and was kind.


Or maybe it was our first kiss
after the Christmas Eve mass
my arm was broken
and I wore a purple dress
that clashed with my red cast
but I felt radiant
and my parents took
a picture of us in front
of the poinsettias.
and we were both young
and thin
and happy
for that four weeks
but that first kiss
my first kiss
with a man with a beard
it was different
than any I'd had before
"kiss me now"
in a pew at the church
after mass
I felt myself start to fall.
too bad that things that fall
get broken.

and four weeks later
he came over
and told me
I love her
and I kissed her
and I'm sorry.
and he cried
and I cried
and we spent the rest of the weekend together
I cried a lot
and we watched stupid movies
and on sunday
he dropped me off at my house
for the last time
I told him not to contact me
until I contacted him
and he drove away
and I didn't go to school for two days after
because everything hurt too much

but he didn't contact me
like I asked
and I hurt
and hurt
and hurt
and hurt
but because it was my senior year
I eventually let go
and graduated
and partied
and played
and then it was june
and things changed again.

while on our date

While on our date
he said something
that made me think
I told him that I was
afraid to post things that
I like
things that I believe
on public venues
like facebook
because what if she saw?
what if her friends saw?
what if someone saw
and said
that girl
she isn't catholic any more
she is pro choice
she is agnostic
she might be a witch
she is bisexual
she is
she is
she is

What would happen then?
What would happen?
what would-

Wait
he said



People who hate others
because of who they are
or what they believe
are stupid
personal belief
not inflicted, but internal
should have nothing to do
with whether or not
they still love you
because regardless of your
past lovers, current beliefs,
love is love
and she would be the asshole
for not loving you


and he took my hand and said
remember that I love you
not in spite of
but because of
all of you


and then we went back to eating
buffalo wing samosas
dipped in ranch
burning hot
and drinking drinks
and talking politics
and at one point,
I asked the waitress
if she would mind
if I stabbed him in the leg
with a fork
and we all laughed


but I won't forget
what you told me
because even if our kisses aren't
perfectly romantic
and even if you fart in
the bed
you love me
because of
and not in spite of
me

Uncomfortable Findings

So, I'm reading through a blog called  Love, Joy, Feminism by Libby Anne . I say reading through because when I first found this blog, I read just the top posts. I found them to be fantastic and parts were applicable to my life, but I didn't have the time and patience to read through all of them, because I'm lazy and I only have a certain tolerance for painful (truthful) subject matter.

In any case, I read an article by her talking about how many people say that the relationship between a wife and husband should be modeled after the church and Christ.

The article is here . It is a fantastic article and definitely made me think about some things that I've been told through certain family members, although fortunately never from my husband.

The point of it is that Christ and the Church is NOT an equal relationship. Christ does love the church, yes, but the church is to obey and trust unquestioningly and Christ will never make any mistakes. This is NOT an equal relationship, by any stretch of the imagination.

As Libby says, I've only ever thought about it from the perspective of having a spouse that is Christ-like. Never that the Church portion (ie apparently who I'm supposed to be) is a submissive role. I find that that is being taught to people is terrifying. I also found it terrifying that I never picked up on that.

Anyway, that is what I've been reading this morning. I normally don't promote blogs, because I only just became aware that I could do this, and also because I don't have enough readers for it to be remotely helpful to another person. In any case though, she writes beautifully and a lot of the situations she writes about hurt my heart.

So thank you for the perspective, Libby Anne.