Dark.

Some nights the taste of love is sweet
and there is laughter in this room
where we tussle, play, fight,
make love.
and then talk until we sleep.
There is a general sense of peace and love
here
on some nights.

And then there are nights like tonight
where the dark feels black and cold
and I am full of rage
and our tussling takes on a pained flavor
and he falls asleep
and it is silent.
and there is grief in the air
and anger.
And I do not want to be here anymore.

Tonight I feel alone as he sleeps besides me
and being lonely sucks. For everyone.
So off to bed. A thousand books
should clear my head.

Rage face

Five days since writing a post.
I'm having trouble doing things
or keeping up with stuff in general.
I'm not happy
at all.
I feel flat
and upset a lot,
I don't have very much patience
and I'm very tired.
I need some quiet time somewhere
But I can't seem to find it very well.

I have crafted a rage face
over the last seven years
and it is built from every time
I have felt afraid walking to my car
or some asshole has told me to smile
or that one time, someone told me he'd like me
to sit on his face.
Screamed at me on a trip to San Antonio
while I was standing on a street corner
with my husband and our two friends
or when a man follows me three quarters of the way
over to my car
only to notice the knife in my hand
and the look of crafty intent on my face.
Or the various people who have grabbed my hair
or while I was pregnant, found it necessary to touch
my belly without asking permission.
my rage face is a necessary evil.

Rage

This day fucking SUCKED.

Hello, emo whiny boy bands....or Taylor Swift.

Not that it wasn't of my own making, but whatever.

Magic shops fucking rock, though.

However, someone now owes me our annual meal. Do I know when this will happen? No, because I'm going to have to stop being seriously angry at you first....and I'm going to have to stop being angry at me too. Which is a harder job.

Dear Lord,

Help me to be content with my life. To strive for my dreams, for greatness, to lust for learning, but teach me to be happy with what I have.

Or to make other people pay for it.

In nomine de patris, et filius, et spiritus sanctus.

Amen.