So he told me yesterday
"Maybe whenever a part of the old Megan dies,
you get angry and sad. That's why you cry."
And there the rub of it
that's the cruddy part
how do you get better
you take off the bad parts
and it hurts
It hurts to let go of the parts of me
even the ones that hurt when I hold on to them.
It feels sometimes like the rules are
that the wounds on my back must be scraped
and broken open
and scrubbed until they are fresh and clean and bleeding
in order for the skin to grow back.
I've been watching a lot of Hannibal lately
and I have been feeling so stressed
the knots in my back are here and bad
so painful I can't sleep without help
and even then it's difficult
almost impossible to turn off my brain
the words come and come and
sometimes what's coming out of my mouth
doesn't sound like what I wanted it to.
My computer is unusable for now.
I don't like it. I work and play incessantly on in
and my income comes from that computer. I have one
that I can use as back up, sort of, since it isn't really mine
but I don't prefer it. I like things that are mine, that feel like mine
I've spent the last 5 months getting my ways set and being happy
with the way I've been doing my work and now I'm having a hard
time adjusting. This is a ridiculous thing to be feeling so very put out
by, and I'm deeply aware of that.
But it is just a frustrating thing on top of many many other
frustrating things that are happening.
I will be glad when monday is over, when my computer is fixed
and I can go back to furiously blogging from my own chair
and talking to customers
and being thankful that tax season is waning
and spending time with my friends
before they head out for months at a time.