"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Characters continued

Once agan

Fictional characters I love so far
which for a disclaimer
I will state
that I know a lot of them are problematic
and I will address that out loud sometimes
and in my head often
and me loving them does not mean they are perfect
but that I love them anyway.

Anne of Green Gables
of Anne of Green Gables
with multiple books to your name
you and diana are the first people I shipped
so funny and sweet
you are a redhead
Maybe if he was a LITTLE evil
darn those pringles!
funny dreamer
teach me to dream as big as you did

jo march
of little woman, little men and jo's boys
you broke my heart
a million times
in these books
tough and a writer
cut your hair
married not who we thought
loved your children
finally became a famous writer

of Hellboy
Fell in love with you at
still love you eight years later
teaching me that my choices
are what matters
not where I come from.
even if you were hell's own child
terse, even laconic
and funny
and won over by pancakes
you are part of my dreams
and save me from my nightmares.
Even the ones where
i end up in hell

my love, a love story

I fell in love with him
the day we went to Target
and sat down in starbucks
and talked over coffee
which he then told me
he didn't like.

I listened to him tell me
about his life
and slowly plucked
the hairs on his arm
an uncalculated move
and not something I remember
deciding to do
it was around that time
I fell in love
because he bought me coffee
and held my hand
and was kind.

Or maybe it was our first kiss
after the Christmas Eve mass
my arm was broken
and I wore a purple dress
that clashed with my red cast
but I felt radiant
and my parents took
a picture of us in front
of the poinsettias.
and we were both young
and thin
and happy
for that four weeks
but that first kiss
my first kiss
with a man with a beard
it was different
than any I'd had before
"kiss me now"
in a pew at the church
after mass
I felt myself start to fall.
too bad that things that fall
get broken.

and four weeks later
he came over
and told me
I love her
and I kissed her
and I'm sorry.
and he cried
and I cried
and we spent the rest of the weekend together
I cried a lot
and we watched stupid movies
and on sunday
he dropped me off at my house
for the last time
I told him not to contact me
until I contacted him
and he drove away
and I didn't go to school for two days after
because everything hurt too much

but he didn't contact me
like I asked
and I hurt
and hurt
and hurt
and hurt
but because it was my senior year
I eventually let go
and graduated
and partied
and played
and then it was june
and things changed again.

Friday, September 28, 2012

while on our date

While on our date
he said something
that made me think
I told him that I was
afraid to post things that
I like
things that I believe
on public venues
like facebook
because what if she saw?
what if her friends saw?
what if someone saw
and said
that girl
she isn't catholic any more
she is pro choice
she is agnostic
she might be a witch
she is bisexual
she is
she is
she is

What would happen then?
What would happen?
what would-

he said

People who hate others
because of who they are
or what they believe
are stupid
personal belief
not inflicted, but internal
should have nothing to do
with whether or not
they still love you
because regardless of your
past lovers, current beliefs,
love is love
and she would be the asshole
for not loving you

and he took my hand and said
remember that I love you
not in spite of
but because of
all of you

and then we went back to eating
buffalo wing samosas
dipped in ranch
burning hot
and drinking drinks
and talking politics
and at one point,
I asked the waitress
if she would mind
if I stabbed him in the leg
with a fork
and we all laughed

but I won't forget
what you told me
because even if our kisses aren't
perfectly romantic
and even if you fart in
the bed
you love me
because of
and not in spite of

our date

The date last night
went pretty well
we went to the cheesecake factory
for maybe almost
two hours
It was lovely
we talked
and argued politics
which was not so lovely
but nice to do
in a venue where the people
below us didn't have to listen
and we could talk at a normal rate
and ate cheesecake
and had passion fruit flavored drinks.
and spiked milkshakes.
and talking about nice things
and reminding me
how much I miss it
being just

and after,
we held hands and went
to the movies
where we saw
house at the end of the street
which was less horror
and more thriller
and saw trailers for
silent hill
and sinister
and paranormal activity 4
all of which I'd like to see
because being terrified was
much more fun with my best friend

even if just before our date
he scared me so badly
that if I hadn't have
just peed
I would have had to
change my pants
I still haven't forgiven him for that
and I'm still a little afraid to come out
of the bathroom when he's in
the house
but it was hilarious
and awful
and I cried
and he laughed so hard he cried
and then I laughed so hard I cried
and that made it a little better

But we got home around 11
and he tried to sleep
but I wouldn't stop talking
and tackled him a few times
it was fantastic
and then I sort of drifted
and woke up this morning

Thursday, September 27, 2012

things I don't say

I wish I could say
what is going on through
my head all day
my thoughts are terrible
a lot of the time
I am angry
or cold
or hot
or annoyed
or tired
all of these are not good
per se
but not bad either
just on the darker end
of my spectrum.

I like to read
dark and horrible things
more than I like to read
 the light and funny
of my youth
it just isn't fun any more
I prefer my darkness
with spatterings of light
but mostly darkness
my ability to watch dark things
has limits.
who knew
but the dark movies
still terrify me
I know some pictures
will never come out of my head
so I stay away
to stay safe
what is in my head
is scarier anyway.

my arms are my enemy
they have gotten better
and after having children
the skin feels all
maybe it is still leftover
from the allergic reaction
i had
to demerol
and yuck

spongebob makes me
feel so crazy
dora the explorer
and diego
and team umi zumi
 you are driving me
up a wall
and down the other side
quality tv includes
quality voices

hellkitten speaks in
third person
which seems silly
but she gets the point
and it makes her feel pretty good
and funny
so there you go

and then a date
with my husband
we can't agree on anything
the movie
or where to eat
Why not just stay home and
watch battlestar galactica
if i can't make a suggestion
and we can't agree on anything
and I don't even want to
put on a bra.

so frustrated

characters I've loved

Fictional characters I love so far
which for a disclaimer
I will state
that I know a lot of them are problematic
and I will address that out loud sometimes
and in my head often
and me loving them does not mean they are perfect
but that I love them anyway. In their imperfections.

Regina Mills/The Evil Queen
of Once Upon a Time
Oh, how I love you.
In the most shallow of ways
your outfits always make me lust
for your stylist
and hairdresser
Whether mayor or evil queen
you are always a force to be reckoned with
You are terrifying and strong and powerful
and remind me that your subtlety is your strength
as well as your ability to beat the crap
out of everyone.

George Lass
of Dead Like Me
I'd like to be a reaper
with you when I die please
And walk with Rube
and be angrily sarcastic.
Not learn my lesson until the
sixtieth time, never the first.
Lonely and angry
death by toilet seat.
Love is not for reapers.
nor is understanding.
Death comes for everyone.
Death is your gift too.

Buffy Summers
of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, obviously
there are no words.
well, there are, but not enough
to describe how you changed me
and made me realize
that I could, and should and must
try to change the world.
Death was her gift.
but her gift to me
was 7 years.

of Angel
I cried so much when Fred became
But at some point I realized
I loved Illyria more
Fred survived years in a hell dimension
as a slave
and when she came out, she became
stronger and smarter then ever
Illyria stole her body
but was a god-king
and wanted Spike for a pet
and knew that you do not bow down
or compromise with evil.

Cersei Lannister
of Game of Thrones
I've only read the first book
and I know only parts of you
but you are beautiful and desperate
and you do what you can
to protect a child
who just might be evil
but you love and protect him anyway.
You are terrifying and fearless
and so full of fear it is painful.
You know that power is power
You've slapped your son
(everyone cheered)
I hope it gets better for you
but it is Game of Thrones
and so the reality is
It will most like get horribly worse.

from Buffy again
are you noticing a trend
you say what you mean
and mean what you say
it is refreshing
your love of money
and power
and your knowledge and love
of sex
made you first an object of my ridicule
back before I  knew what you meant
and then someone who I respected
and admired.

Willow Rosenburg
from Buffy
first smart and nerdy and quiet
then smart and coming in to your own
watching you fall in love
first with Oz then with Tara
made me realize what kind of love
I wanted and deserved
Watching you become Dark Willow
made me sad for all you lost
and amazed by all you had accomplished
even when you were bad.
You make me laugh and cry
a lot.

Zoe Washburne
of Firefly
Strong and tall and an amazon
I fell in love
from the very first moment.
You shoot first
ask questions later
then go have sexy sexy sex
with no apologies
full of sarcasm and guns
not afraid of anything.
you make me want to be
more fearless than any taylor swift song.

River Tam
of firefly
Broken painfully horribly
violated, made a weapon,
still standing, still flying
still loving
strength in pain
no apologies

Ellen Ripley
the first female character
my dad introduced me too
Aliens was the first movie I saw
with such violence
I screamed a lot
I was terrified of the aliens
But Ripley made me feel safe
She saved her cat and Newt
and she might just
save me too
from the nightmares

Christina Yang
from Grey's Anatomy
Feeling emotion?
"Somebody SEDATE ME!"
Learned to be herself
while loving someone else
strong, capable, sometimes wacky
always kick ass

more later?


In Which I Forgot that this formal makes me feel extremely verbose.

My  body is not an apology.
it may be larger than what I have been used to
but it is functional
and lovely
and frustrating
but it is mine
and my love hate affair with my body
is mine and mine alone

my hair is shot through with red
if I didn't like it, i wouldn't wear it
so stop looking at me like
it is bad
or it is dumb.
my hair
my body
Why is it so hard to figure out
Both me and you
that my body is mine
not yours
and it always has been.

"tattoos are not welcome in my house"
are you crazy?
a tattoo is not a person
a person is not a tattoo
Who cares?
Only someone who is obssessed
with appearances
Which is sad
but also extremely tiring to even think about
and kind of offensive

But I'm not allowed to be offended
I can only offend
"Watch your words
you might hurt someone's feelings
or bring up a mother's protective instinct
you get that right?"
no I don't
I am a mother
but when your child is violent
and painful
and slammed a door into my shoulder
multiple times and tried to frighten my
children by howling and screaming and we
could not get away from you
do not ask me to remember that you were kind
the next day
because you still don't listen to me
when I say I don't want a hug.

Telling someone "I am tired"
is not a personal offense
nor is "the sky is blue"
"the grass is green"
"my pants are clean"
Don't be angry
when I tell you I am tired
i am always tired
i have twin two year old boys
I am never not tired
my free time is minimal
my eyes are never totally awake
It is rare I get more than 5-6 hours a night
and my eyes refuse to close
while my children take naps.

When I sing in choir
that is when my soul is still
when I sing for my children
and they quiet and listen to me
my soul gladdens
but when they whine
the world looks darker
but they come to me for comfort and love
and they desire my approval
which is fascinating for so many reasons
mostly because I want my mothers approval still
and I am no where near
their two year world.

I miss old lovers some days
not for the love
but the friendship
some of them have changed so radically
I'd never know them
the atheist pot smoking troublemaker
is a born again evangelical christian
so his big mouth has gone in a
completely different direction
and one who blocked me
so I can't see who or where he is
he hates me though
I broke him
and the one who was a total dork when I dated him
but now is ripped and has a lovely body
but still to me is the dorkiest of the sweet dorks.
I have such funny,  sweet memories of these people
sweet kisses, but sweeter conversations
funny moments in spanish and precalculus
the song that someone said
was our song
that I've never been able to stop
listening to.
even though it makes me tear
every. single. time.

When I sing in the choir
I know the notes or the words
by heart
not both
which gets extremely annoying due to
how difficult some of the music
really is
most of the people there are so nice
I forget what it is like to interact
with groups of adults, or
People behave, sort of
but they sing
and it is like magic

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

I now have 2 year old twin boys, officially. Sunday was their birthday. This weekend has been extremely long. Birthday festivities have gone on all weekend but they should all be done now.

Thank God.

There is a new Taylor Swift song out called Begin Again. It is fantastic, and will get the We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together out of my head, which is good, because I can only handle that song for so long. Fortunately her album comes out soon so hooray for more good songs!

That song though.....reminds me of meeting Mike. It is finding a new person but still remember the old one and finally realizing that good stuff can come from the new person, even if you are still hurting.

"I’ve been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does 
Is break and burn and end 
Then on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again"

I remember how that felt. Oh Taylor, always with the feels!

I am so tired these days. Not that that is anything new but just so you know. My nails are red and my wedding ring fits again. I feel so lonely most days. I wish sometimes that I was in college and I'm looking for a night job. I'd love to be a waitress and make some cash.

When we move out of my in-laws house, which hopefully will be soon, life will be tight. Oh wow, everytime I say that "hopefully will be soon", I FEEL LIKE I AM LYING! Who am I kidding, I am totally lying. It will be forever and when and if it ever does, it will be a huge fucking surprise.

Oh god, my dad has started buying rap on Itunes. The world has burst into flames. OH MY GOD. I cannot even.....asdkafjdklsa

Friday, September 21, 2012

It is Friday morning and it has been a LONG week what with being sick and trying to organize my kids' second birthday stuff. No one has been particularly helpful or even very specific about the things they want to do, with the exception of my parents. I get annoyed because my parents always want to have things about a month in advance, which can be extremely annoying, but it is pretty annoying that I can't get a straight answer the freaking DAY before a birthday. Two birthdays.

All my husband and I can do is scream at each other. He blames me for all his issues. We were both crying last night. I just can't be everyone's comforter. I can't even comfort myself appropriately so why am I expected to do that for two kids and my husband on top of it?

I need to clean. I need to get my kids upstairs so I can at least try. I'd also like to get some of the garbage out. I am just hating everything currently.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

This was from yesterday....

And back to being sick again.  Last night was just awful. I think we gave it to at least one twin. One E.R trip later, things have calmed down. I think I re-irritated my stomach lining last night and re-stimulated the stomach virus I had. I am currently laying in bed because I feel THAT cruddy.  Going to choir practice tonight should be fun, though. Me and my dad are finally going to get to go. I am super excited about that.

Next morning.

Choir practice went well. I'm feeling okay-ish, still pretty weak and shaky so not that fantastic. I'm really REALLY tired and my ability to sleep has been severely compromised by my nervousness at my kids being sick...unfortunately, it means I have to keep an eye on my kids for vomiting and about a million other things. Strangely enough, this is a million times harder than JUST watching two two-year-olds. It is a hard job, especially when one feels pretty darn sick herself.

I am desperately tired and I need about 48 more hours of sleep. Unfortunately, this will NEVER ever happen.

Monday, September 17, 2012


This is going to be a lot less disturbing then the title implies.

My fantasy currently is just to be in my own place. I want to be in a house or an apartment with my husband and my kids and I. I want there to be a couch that I can let my friends spend the night on, and a room for my kids to play in and a room for me and my husband. I want to get rid of over half the stuff I own so I don't feel so crowded all the time. It doesn't even have to be a house at this point, I just want to be without extra people. I want to have a party in my own place. I want to only be afraid of my kids breaking MY stuff. I only want to be embarrassed by my husband in front of ME, not with his parents involved. I want to be able to invite my mom over.

I want to be able to fuck up my own kitchen. I want to be able to watch TV without worrying about people judging me for watching what I want to watch, with the exception of my husband, because who cares? I want to walk around MY place clothed the way I want to be clothed.

I hate even having hope for this sort of thing. It seems like an impossible dream, like we will never actually get there. I hate living with other people, and it is nothing personal about the people, but I want to stop feeling like I'm just pretending to be an adult.

I am just so tired of all this nonsense.

Up, Down and All Over the Place

Oooh that last post was short. Still feeling pretty sick from yesterday.....I'm at about 80% normality, so that is better than the last 36 hours so far. At least not miserable in bed like I was for 90% of yesterday. I hate being sick. I can generally deal with it if it is just me, but with Mike sick too, I've got to take care of me and take care of mike and figure out how to get the babies taken care of as well. While not in my own space. Which is also making me crazy for other reasons, but in that particular case, it just makes it difficult, because I'm afraid to ask for help or get in trouble, even though I've never been given any evidence in this instance that I'm in trouble or that I've made anyone angry.

I think I might be just overly sensitive. That statement makes me laugh, because I tend to be harsher than most, but I tend to get nervous and antsy if I perceive that people are mad at me or might even be heading in that direction. I hate hate HATE it when people are angry at me and haven't gotten to the expressing part of it yet. I much prefer being yelled at than just trying to guess what your random emotions. That shit makes me CRAZY. I also assume that is why I jump straight to yelling when I'm mad. Things I probably need to work on.

In any case though, I feel relatively better. I'm super tired though. I could probably go for a really large nap although I won't attempt it until at least 11 (so maybe an hour an and a half from now). My kids seem content to play with a broom and a dustpan (wtf, guys), and to make sure all the doors are closed (extremely helpful at times) and whining about various things. They also studiously ignore the TV unless they hear music they like, which happens to ONLY be the theme song from the Big Bang Theory. Weird.

I kind of feel like my entire weekend was shot to hell after Saturday night and Sunday. Which is frustrating because I was looking forward to singing in choir and not feeling like I was in recovery all freaking day. I also feel like I've run out of things to write about. Maybe not in reality, because there is a shitload of stuff that I find hard or irritating or frustrating or painful or whatnot. I'm just never sure who is reading it. I'm terminally afraid of people being angry at me or sad at me (?).

But on the other hand, what if they do read it? What if they are mad at me for what I expose to the world? Not that many people read this. And if you are angered or saddened by what you read, is it your own fault for choosing to read it or mine for choosing to write it? Do I change the names or do I make it completely unambiguous? Do I just decide to only write the good stuff and not the painful reality of what is there?

I don't know.


Today and last night were horrible! What started out as my husband feeling a little sick during our first viewing of the first episode of Battlestar Galactica turned out to be epic horrors for both of us.

Let us say that we were worshiping the porcelain god from 2 am all the way to this afternoon when things finally started to come down. I'm still experiencing some extreme stomach cramps and my husband looks like  he's finally having some facial color come back. This day has been solely devoted to recovering, drinking gatorade and 7-up and watching Battlestar Galactica, which incidentally I can see taking over my entire life. It is such a fantastic show.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Who wears short shorts?

Yesterday was utterly tiring. My kids are extremely needy these days. Duh, Hellkitten, they are TWO YEARS OLD! But there are two of them. Meep. The days so far have been long and hard. And there was a spider downstairs today. It was HORRIFYING.

So I took the kids and ran upstairs. I've been forgetting that they need dinner, but I've given them cookies. What is wrong with me? Why can't I remember the simple, stupid things? Why is it so hard to keep patient when them being snarky isn't always their fault? Why can't I try to be more patient, more kind, more attentive and less angry, snarky and so.fucking.tired all the damn time?

I feel like such a bad parent. I'm trying to keep my head above water and they still love me and hug me and kiss me, even when I'm feeling bad, even to the point where I have to smile when I see them.

I wish I could cook more. I wish I felt like I had some right to live here, some way that the kitchen is mine. I wish I haven't been walking on eggshells for 11 or more years of my life, it is so tiring and I am so very, very tired. I wish I felt good enough. I wish I didn't feel so needed and so isolated at the same damn time.

I'm just watching Grey's Anatomy and feeling ambivalent. And cruddy. And in need of something that I can't quite name.

"Nobody knows where they might end up, nobody knows! Oh, oh, suppose you'll never know....."


Stupid Quizzie Thing

  • Name: HellKitten
  • Eye Color: Green
  • Hair Style/Color: Red brown
  • Height:  5'6
  • Clothing Style: I hate pants. But I wear them anyway. Apparently it is civilized. I also hate NOT wearing bras. I like purple and red and black. 
  • Best Physical Feature: Green eyes.
  • Your Fears: clowns. murky water. freaky ass teethed beasts. jaws. sharks. the loch ness monster. being possessed. whales. whale sharks. most bugs. my kids being hurt. my parents or husband being disappointed in me or hating me or being angry. Aliens. Dying. Eels. 
  • Your Guilty Pleasure: Garlic Parmesan anything, singing along with Sarah Brightman and Long Island Iced Tea!
  • Your Biggest Pet Peeve: Basically if you exist, there will be things you do that annoy me. I'll get over it. Mostly. And DON'T LIE TO ME.
  • Your Ambition for the Future: Get a decent job, retire, travel, have maybe one more kid, try not to piss off everyone on earth
  • Your First Thoughts Waking Up: Uuuuuuuuuuuuuurghhh sweet jesus TURN OFF THE CARRY ON MY WAYWARD SON! THERE IS NO PEACE WHEN YOU ARE DONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • What You Think About the Most: How to keep two year olds from getting hurt or murdering each other.
  • What You Think About Before Bed:MMMMMMMMMMM THE AMBIEN.......
  • You Think Your Best Quality Is: I don't have one. They are all cruddy.
  • Single or Group Dates: Single.
  • To be Loved or Respected:  Argggggggggghhhhhhhh.....I think they are corresponding. But love because it isn't real if you aren't being respected.
  • Beauty or Brains: Brains. I hate idiots.
  • Dogs or Cats: I love both.
  • Lie:  every one does.
  • Believe in Yourself: meh
  • Believe in Love: Oh of coruse
  • Want Someone: yiss
  • Been on Stage: a few times
  • Done Drugs: neer
  • Changed Who You Were to Fit In: I think so....
  • Favorite Color: blue and black and red
  • Favorite Animal: cats or dogs
  • Favorite Movie:  I don't have one
  • Favorite Game: currently it is mortal kombat
  • Day Your Next Birthday Will Be: the 16th. in the merry merry month of may.
  • How Old Will You Be: I can already drink, if that is what you are asking
  • Age You Lost Your Virginity: lol. many many years ago. Or a few.
  • Does Age Matter: In what sense. For the most part no. In regards to sex, yes it matters. Duh.
  • Best Personality: Um, confident, funny and kind. Not too uptight. 
  • Best Eye Color:  Brown.
  • Best Hair Color: Just not blond.
  • Best thing to do With a Partner: Ummm....beyond the sex thing, reading and just relaxing together. I love going to Olive Garden (I'm a cheap date lol) and talking with the person I like. There pretty much has to be soup or salad or both. :)
  • I love:  my kids, my husband, my friends, music, games.
  • I feel: exceptionally tired after yesterday.
  • I hide:  old letters I've written to previous and current lovers, letters from them, my nail polish, a certain box, a certain bag and my journals. 
  • I miss: the pre-baby high school years. They were shitloads of fun, but also problematic, so maybe not so much.....
  • I wish: for a million dollars!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

This question makes me laugh so hard. What the fuck? If I woke up with that, I'd probably assume I was dreaming, close my eyes and try to go back to sleep. And then once I figure out that it is real, I'd be terrified. And angry. and possibly screamy and violent.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

Ooooh interesting question.Probably some days 18 and some in my 40s. Being a parent this young has made me feel old VERY very quickly

Things I don't like about the way I look? Well, no matter what, I always feel like my eyebrows are too big. I hate how large my breasts are. Pretty much my body post-baby feels fucked up, but I'm working on it and trying to love it. I like my finger nails and my eyes. 

Would you mind killing someone to save your own life?

It kind of depends on the context. Although for the most part, I would do it. However, I would care. I'd probably be very upset. Unless they were trying to hurt my family. Then, not so much.

If the internet was not available, what would you be doing right now?
Probably reading the Virgin Suicides, which I should be doing soon.

Pizza or oral  sex?
WHO COMES UP WITH THIS SHIT? And am I giving or receiving? Because if I'm giving, I'm going for pizza.

How I'd spend 10,000?
Um, pay off my debt. So there's around 3,000. Give my husband 3,000 so he can pay down some of his. And then keep 4,000 and build up a down payment. Or fix our cars air conditioning. Or go to an apartment. 

My best date.
How about the one I can most recently remember...my husband and I went to go see the Possession.....which was horrifying and had Jeffrey Dean Morgan in it. This annoyed me because I see him as John Winchester so the whole time I was like "GET THE DEMON OUT JOHN, YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR LITERALLY DECADES!" Any way, the food was good and my date was pretty cute so that all worked well. I even took him home afterwards! ;)

Monday, September 10, 2012

Uncomfortable Findings

So, I'm reading through a blog called  Love, Joy, Feminism by Libby Anne . I say reading through because when I first found this blog, I read just the top posts. I found them to be fantastic and parts were applicable to my life, but I didn't have the time and patience to read through all of them, because I'm lazy and I only have a certain tolerance for painful (truthful) subject matter.

In any case, I read an article by her talking about how many people say that the relationship between a wife and husband should be modeled after the church and Christ.

The article is here . It is a fantastic article and definitely made me think about some things that I've been told through certain family members, although fortunately never from my husband.

The point of it is that Christ and the Church is NOT an equal relationship. Christ does love the church, yes, but the church is to obey and trust unquestioningly and Christ will never make any mistakes. This is NOT an equal relationship, by any stretch of the imagination.

As Libby says, I've only ever thought about it from the perspective of having a spouse that is Christ-like. Never that the Church portion (ie apparently who I'm supposed to be) is a submissive role. I find that that is being taught to people is terrifying. I also found it terrifying that I never picked up on that.

Anyway, that is what I've been reading this morning. I normally don't promote blogs, because I only just became aware that I could do this, and also because I don't have enough readers for it to be remotely helpful to another person. In any case though, she writes beautifully and a lot of the situations she writes about hurt my heart.

So thank you for the perspective, Libby Anne.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

A Post That Technically Took Three Days...... geez

I just took an Ambien.  Sweet, sweet sleep soon, hopefully. Or I would now, if my husband would get off the freaking Star Wars game. Grrrr....
Good morning....I passed out about two minutes after writing that last night. Today has been kind of pleasant. Some one threw away my leftovers which I was planning on eating this morning and that was extremely annoying but I'm over it now, kind of. My kids are being ridiculously snarky, but I'm not sure if it is just me or they are really being snarky. I'm feeling kind of off so I've mostly been reading Firefly fanfiction and wondering why my elbow hurts so damn much. Owie!

The children do make me smile, though. As does my husband. And books. I've still been reading voraciously, although I'm stuck between multiple books (for example, I'm reading Waiter Rant, Anansi Boys, Good Omens, Anyone can Cook, Lasher and some Jack Ketchum books. And some fanfiction ). As you might imagine, it can get hard to cram everything into my brain so much and I get very annoyed when I am interrupted. Which is almost constantly, by nearly everyone I know.

Let's see....

6 Songs I listen to the Most
1. 8th of November by Big and Rich
2.Somebody that I Used to Know by Gotye
3.Summertime by Michelle Branch
4. Dancin' Away with My Heart by Lady Antebellum
5.Satellite by Anna Nalick
6. Sparks Fly by Taylor Swift.

How Do I Vent My Anger?

Well, it honestly depends on who. With my parents, mostly I bottle it up and then rant at my husband. If it is with my husband, I rant at my husband. When it is my kids, I put them in a safe place and then go to my room and breathe deeply and try not to scream loudly. When it is anyone else, I can either rant at them or let it go and rant later. At my husband. Who is deeply patient with me about this stuff.

I have a weird obsession with cookbooks. They need to have pictures, though, I like to see what I'm making. I prefer to know what the end result will look like and I get annoyed when I have to look on the internet for an after picture.

What is the weirdest thing (s) I have in my room?
Well, I had a large collection of forks up until yesterday. I have a Solitary Witch practicioner book, as well as an Anatomy for Students. I also have a giant jar of coins and a black panther statue. Although the sheer number of books I own is pretty ridiculous. Also, cigars. Good ones.

My least favorite food, drink, color.
I hate guacamole, anything with Gin and orange. Dear god, what a horrible color.

I don't have a favorite book. It is way too hard to pick one. I read continuously and I love many books. It really doesn't matter what type, I love everything.

I sang at church today. It was fantastic, and the preaching was quick, which was good. I'm desperately tired after all the stuff today. I also ate lunch with my family, which was fun and delicious. I find the dynamics rather interesting these days, but I think I'll address that  in a different post.

'Til next time, fellow kittens,

Friday, September 7, 2012

How Can I keep From Singing?

Stuff I've Yelled At My Kids

"Stop driving on the walls!"

"Eat your candy!"

*tears at hair*


"Gimme a kiss!"

"Stop whining!"

Argh, the terrible twos are upon us. It is truly fortunate for me that they are only terrible about 25 % of the time. The rest of it, they are really REALLY funny. And sweet. I'm glad they like to hear me sing. Because I've been doing that a lot lately, which I'm taking as a positive sign.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Shit I don't Say to My Parents

Planned Parenthood isn't bad.

Chick-fil-a can kiss my ass.

I am only going back to church to sing. That is it.

The Bible is truly the most awful book I've ever had the misfortune of reading multiple times. Regardless of how prosaically pretty you may find it (and let it be known, I find much of it pretty and I can probably quote much more of it than you), 90% of it is a terrible life manual.  Please keep this in mind while you are trying to shove various parts of this book down my throat like a giant di- er, hot dog.

As far as the Bible goes, there is some pretty extreme context that neither of you know. Also, most translations are someone ELSE'S idea of what should be being said.

Just because you taught them to me, does not mean that YOUR ideas are automatically correct or that I will be adding them to my family teachings.

Getting older does NOT mean that you automatically turn into an asshole, a conservative, more religious, a better person or even necessarily smarter. It just means you got older. Every one does. What else you become is up to you.

Saying racist things is NOT funny. It is embarrassing and annoying. And you manage to alienate me, because by saying anything to you, I'll be the bad one. Also, you are teaching my brother stuff that will get his ass beat.

Credit cards are not evil.

It is possible to drink responsibly. Stop assuming that I don't know how to, just because your version of teaching me responsibility with alcohol was "LALALALALA DON'T DO IT LALALALLA".

I love my reddish hair.

If he goes into any sort of martial arts, I am giving up that babysitting job.

Buying me dieter's tea and underwear too small is NOT nice. It's an asshole thing to do. You aren't helping.

My body is great the way it is. Seriously.

The devil did not do it. I did it. You did it. Personal responsibility.

If the cops said "But he's a really nice kid," both you and the cop are missing the point. If the cops are there, YOU HAVE JUST NEGATED YOUR OWN DAMN POINT.

If he's already somewhat violent, me leaving books around will not make him MORE violent.

Stop assuming you are right about everything.

If I've told you I deeply dislike a person, why are you trying to force me to spend time with them? What does that accomplish? Especially when I specifically don't do that to you!

If you have to say "But it was just a joke!", chances are I'm not taking it like one. Get ready.

These life lessons (and others that I'm sure will be forthcoming) have been brought to you by me. Learn them, live them. I don't care if you love them or not.


Stop driving on the walls! (stuff I yell at my kids....)

I remember being shamed into dancing with one such guy. My parents used to help chaperon every dance I went to in high school. At my first high school dance (ever), my dad met one such guy while all of the people were congregated out on the dance floor. I had seen the guy for the last few weeks and I was not friends with him. He was extremely invasive and didn't seem to pick up on any of the boundaries that I was rapidly throwing his way.

After about half an hour of dancing and keeping my dad in the corner of my eye, he eventually gestured for me to come over. In typical fashion, I was horribly embarrassed, but I wasn't about to ignore him and have it get problematic after the dance for me ignoring him. I came over, and he told me that the young man he had been talking to was really nice and I should probably go dance with him.

To this day, I have no idea what came over me, but I'm glad it did. The music was loud at the moment and I felt a red haze descend. I loudly, screamingly told my dad that there was no way. He got pretty mad and we stood there on the gym floor while everyone was dancing, and screamed at each other for at least 5 minutes, from what I can remember. Eventually, I was so irritated that I just walked off.

It makes me laugh retrospectively, because I was such a pushover with my parents. I still am. It is very very hard for me to ever say no to anything they ask. I am working on it, however. I hate saying no to people, still. I would rather lie and say yes, than have to say no to someone. That can be problematic for a number of reasons. Most of which come from, now people think that when I'm saying no, I'm screwing around. Meep.

Writing today has been very difficult. I'm trying to clean and take care of kids and I HATE THIS JOB. The only gratifying part of it is when my kids can run around and play downstairs. Then it is just funny. Even so, I am utterly exhausted by the end of the evening, which hits between 5 and 6 pm (day starts at 8), and many times after that, I go do some second shift at my parents house (maybe about twice a week).

I will be so glad when we have our own place. I don't care whether it is an apartment or a house, as long as there is a second room for the kids and that it is my own.  I feel like I've written and spoken these words a million times, but I'll keep saying it until I have it. I mean it!


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm....

While I was in San Antonio, in the year of 2009, I believe during the summer, I remember talking to my boyfriend over text message while I was in the car. He had been raised there, and he knew it was my first time there as a teenager/adult/person who could remember it. We talked about how much I loved it there and how our hopes were that we would eventually visit it together. I remember us joking about him coming up and bringing his own mattress. It was a pleasant and cute conversation.

Which brings me to a part that I can't remember too well. After 21 years, I have well developed self defense mechanisms, most of which involve forgetting and repressing things I find horrifying or disturbing or ugly in my own life. I think that is part of why I love horror books and movies and games. I can remember it safely if it isn't in my own life.

I say all that to say, I don't remember how or why he called me a sperm dumpster. I have a vague inkling that it was about what to call the mii he made me. I just remember all of a sudden reading this text message and going red with rage. It was the first onset of horrified anger I remember having with this particular boyfriend at this particular dating time (we dated twice and the first time I was horrified and angry when he told me he thought he loved someone else.....you know, writing this down makes it look SO BAD).

I don't remember how I expressed the crazed level of rage I had over text. I was in the car with my family and to be honest, I'm good at hiding what I want to around them, so I don't think they knew, but I wish I'd written down our exchange that day, not just the good ones we had. I am filled with horror just thinking about someone saying that to me and thinking it would be funny in any way, shape or form.

This was when I realized that the way people looked at me was not normal. That there were fucked up things people, mostly men, said or did around or to me and they had been doing it since I was 12. I realized that my rage was there for a purpose. That something was deeply, dreadfully wrong with the things I had been putting up with for years.

This definitely began my path down the road of feminism. I didn't arrive there fully, though, until around February or March of the next year, when I realized I was pregnant.

Ps. When I let this guy have it, he made no excuses, he simply apologized. I would even go so far as to consider him a fellow feminist now. How the world changes!

Sweet misery

Yelp is my new favorite site. There are some truly hilarious reviews on restaurants and everything else on this site. Why was I not told about this site sooner?

People are hilarious. Why do you waste your time writing terrible reviews? Also, if you misspell every other word, I highly suspect your intentions are simply to annoy readers like me, rather than to actually help people find good restaurants. It is a fantastic place to bitch about all your terrible experiences and reading them is just plain funny.

Small things about me

I'm a horribly messy person. Psychologically, I know it is still just me getting back at my parents but I just can't make it stop. I'm working on it though.

8 things about my body

1. My hair color is dark brown, but I've been adding red to it for the last 6 months. I feel so lovely and glamorous with these colors. I may have a love/hate relationship with my body, but my hair makes me feel so beautiful.
2. I love having painted nails. I hate subtle colors, I'd rather have deep red or black on my nails.
3. My body currently hates sea food. It is intolerant, not allergic, but it is killing me because sea food is my very favorite of all the foods.
4. My skin has stretch marks from being pregnant with twins. Lots of them. Mostly they just have an odd texture, but they don't bother me, except for the ones on my upper arms.
5. I love my ears.
6. After being pregnant, my feet hate high heels.
7. Besides stretch marks, I have almost no scars.
8. Rather than self mutilate by cutting, my issues tend to manifest by me biting my lips continuously or scratching my head until I bleed. Incidentally, this can make bathing or washing my hair or eating extremely painful. I've never actually told a professional about these habits. I should probably work on that.

3 facts about my personality

1. I am an introvert. I draw my power from being by myself. I love people and parties and what have you but I am so tired by the end that I generally need time to recharge.
2. I don't deal well with bullshit. I tend to react strongly when I feel people are screwing with me. I can be extremely temperamental.
3. Now that I've said that, though, it has to be said that I will put up with any crazy from my family. My boundaries are terrible when it comes to relations, but I'm working on it.

5 Weird things that I like.

Okay, to clarify, liking anything is weird.

1. Horror anything. Books, movies, video games, art etc. I get so fucking terrified of everything, but I love it anyway.
2. Pita Chips. New York Style. OH MY GAWSH. My favorite snack EVER.
3. Tumblr. I love tumblr. I'm addicted. It is so sad. But I love it. It makes me snort so much.....my computer screen needs to be cleaned....
4. Star wars online game. The reason this is weird is that the movies annoy me SO MUCH. But the game is awesome, I like that I can be bad AND good and LIGHTSABERS! YAY!
5. Feminist websites. This is weird because I was raised a super conservative Catholic Christian. But I love these sites. Feministing, Feministe and Shakesville are my favorite. I check them every day. They are wonderful and fantastic.
and finally a weird one 6. Porn. Let me clarify, there is a shitload of porn I find problematic. And by shitload, I mean nearly all of it. However, I love reading well written erotica (Random literotica stuff, for the win) and I've seen about 10 actual videos that I'm okay with. So there ya go.

I am deeply terrified of spiders, clowns and whales.

My favorite thing to do is a toss up between reading, sex and spending time with my husband.

I don't have a gender preference when it comes to sexual partners. I do prefer to be in a relationship before I do things of a sexual nature

I love being married. There have been some extremely difficult parts and I have no doubt that there are more to come. I've only been married for a year however I've been in a relationship with my person since 2009. We've had more than our fair share of difficulties.

I can see myself going to jail for a multitude of reasons. I assume they would be for self defense.

The curse word I use the most is fuck.

Talk to you guys later.



So I did the wedding thing this last weekend.

I was a bridesmaid. I wore a floor length royal blue dress. The wedding was fantastic. I’m friends with both bride and groom, and so is my husband, who was a groomsman. We had such a good weekend.  I loved every minute of it. I stressed out a bunch, because that’s just who I am, and I have a hard time letting go, but eventually, I just did and it was so fantastic. I got along with all the bridesmaids and all the groomsmen. I definitely felt like the youngest person there, and I was definitely the youngest adult there. I made people laugh. I howled with laughter every time there was a gathering this weekend. I spent hours naked in bed with my husband. I ate some fantastic food. At the wedding, the bride and groom asked me and mike to come sit with them, which made my night just that much fantastic-er. I had several perfect dances with my husband. I found a beer that was actually drinkable.

I calmed down the bride.  I got to hold her dress going up the stairs. I cackled with the groom about damn near everything. I almost tripped over my own dress about 15 times. I got choked up when the bride and groom said their vows. I made some new friends. I did the Macarena. I got very very very tired. I straightened my hair. I got a little annoyed with my husband. I missed my kids. I painted my nails to perfection. I forgot my cowboy boots. I cried on the drive home, not just because my husband pissed me off, but because I was sad to leave. I love the bride and groom. Thinking about this weekend makes me very happy and sad because it was a fantastic weekend and I’m going to miss it. Mostly I’m just glad the bride and groom are moving to my town in about two weeks or so.  

I hate being without either of them for too long. They make me smile.