Waiting

While waiting to see
if I have a new home
I am...overly verbal. I can
talk for hours and hours
only to come down quickly and be silent
for the rest of the day.
I don't like ups and downs.
They make my stomach deeply unsettled
so I'm waiting
not so quietly right now
to hear that I have acquired the things
I hold so dearly
my privacy
and a room
and a room for my children
a place I can have my friends over
and cabinet space.
room for my books
and my kindle
and my life.
please
please please

Off to play with another post

When I am afraid,
to sleep
when things are knocked off the walls
and the lights don't work
and the blinds are open in the windows
after I closed them
I wear his medals
and write lyrics and
quotes
and St. Patrick's Rune
on any available
skin. It works:
I slept well last night
no dreams
no breathing.
Quiet today.

On a lighter note,
I've discovered Reddit.
While I dislike a lot
I spent a good three hours yesterday
laughing until I cried on the ask Reddit posts.
So, positives on that one. People are fascinating.
And scary. And terrible.
But terribly funny.

As I listen to this song
I realize that the best advice I ever got
as well as the worst
comes from country music
but seriously
"Be a best friend
tell the truth
overuse I love you
go to work
do your best
don't outsmart your common sense
Love like crazy."
Good, solid advice.

Billy Joel and Disney music
gets a sing-a-long
every. single. time.

Just started watching
Sons of Anarchy.
Mixed feelings.
Want to learn to ride a
motorcycle now.
Thankfully I have
uncles and brother -in-laws
and even possibly a dad
who might be willing to help me
learn.

Pleasantly talkative people
making my day.

This is so I
don't forget

I took a nap today
and at one point I woke up
and my son was in bed with me
to my right
but what woke me up
was the sound of heavy breathing
to my left

and I realized what it meant
in the longest half seconds of
my life

The breathing came from
the wrong side of the bed

and I could hear it
but my eyes were shut
and it was like my body
went insane
I couldn't open my eyes
and my skin felt like I'd gotten into
an ice bath.
and my left arm hurts now.

Long days
but probably not
pleasant nights

Positive Affirmations (?)

Quiet day today

full of minor tummy aches

which is nothing new, sadly

minor aches of the tummy 

alleviated by texts that remind me

that I am someone's friend, that I can
be good and kind and still have boundaries
that temporary loss of faith and outward insanity
does not mean that those who love me have stopped
loving me.

Do not tell me
that the my traumas are not important
that the difficulties of marriage equate the
my ages of 12 through 20
because it insults me
and makes you
seem
ridiculous.

I will not go to Mass
for Easter. I will not pretend that
I believe in the rules and destiny a Church
that has no love for my sex and sexuality and
no concept that its hypocrisy alienates more than it binds
and these are not my only problems with it.
And most certainly not the only valid problems with it.

I reject alienation
because I have friends
and loves, even if they are made of mostly past
and slightly present.
I believe that I am loved
that my friends hold my hand as I walk toward cliffs
to slow me down
and that in most cases
being kinder is better.

And I believe wholly in my
autonomy, that my body is my own and no one else's
that I choose the things I do to it and with it
and that my mind and body are capable
of great things, even in the midst of exceptional difficulty.
Whether I lose weight or stay the same,
if I continue to not have tattoos or
cover my body in ink
whether I make cookies or quinoa with my friends
whether I have more children or never again
it is my choice.

I accept that my fears
of sharks, various water-based beings
being rejected, public transit, large crowds,
clowns, and drowning may all be perceived as odd.
What
ever.

And I believe that even if these words
feel choppy and difficult
tomorrow
or even tonight
may be better.

jobs

I have an interview on Friday

for a job. One that I really, really 

want. A night job, with animals,

oh please oh please

be what I want

let me be what they want.

Because I love animals

and I can work the night shift

pleasepleaseplease

interview gods

let me do great.

150th Post

In honor of this being my 150th post, which is crazy, I'm going to write something that will probably make me lose sleep for a while. I'll be writing about my top fears and what I believe is the underlying causes and whatnots of them. I struggle with them still these days.

So to start off,
what inspired me to write about this was a recent movie I saw called Sinister. I have the ability to push back most thing that scare me but this movie in particular has been really REALLY chapping my ass. In any case, it definitely brought some of my more primeval fears to the surface.

To begin with, a striking white face with dark deep set eyes is
always a terrifying sight for me. Since the main villain fits this exact description,
I had a horrible time watching the movie without screaming every two seconds
and hiding my face the whole time. Oh, yeah. Super brave.

In line with this, I find water to be fascinating and terrifying at the same time. I love how water feels, I'm very comfortable being under the water for long periods of time, however I have limits. I love pools and most clear bodies of water. I feel very very uncomfortable around dark or murky bodies of water. I've had two near drowning experience, both of which made me very afraid to be in a pool with other people. It takes a lot of trust for me to feel okay being near to anyone while in a pool. I can generally keep my cool around pools, at least outwardly. But walking by a lake makes me feel shaky and afraid.

In relation to this, I am deathly afraid of sharks and whales. There are exceptions, which are pretty weird, as I love killer whales but am afraid of blue whales. I think all this results from the damn Monstro Blue Whale Thing from Pinnochio when I was little. Horrifying and horrified. I hate things with dark eyes and big pointy teeth and wide open mouths. I'm writing this during the day so I don't have to freak out the rest of the night.

I am afraid of clowns. This has been real since I was around three. I have always known what the Pennywise Tim Curry clown looks like, but I only saw the movie this year. I screamed a lot until he turned into a spider. I loved the book. It is fantastic but I am terrified whenever I read it.

Darkness is frightening to me but I find that I am able to walk around in it quite well. I have some anxiety but it isn't too bad.

150 posts. Now, onward to greater things!

while on our date

While on our date
he said something
that made me think
I told him that I was
afraid to post things that
I like
things that I believe
on public venues
like facebook
because what if she saw?
what if her friends saw?
what if someone saw
and said
that girl
she isn't catholic any more
she is pro choice
she is agnostic
she might be a witch
she is bisexual
she is
she is
she is

What would happen then?
What would happen?
what would-

Wait
he said



People who hate others
because of who they are
or what they believe
are stupid
personal belief
not inflicted, but internal
should have nothing to do
with whether or not
they still love you
because regardless of your
past lovers, current beliefs,
love is love
and she would be the asshole
for not loving you


and he took my hand and said
remember that I love you
not in spite of
but because of
all of you


and then we went back to eating
buffalo wing samosas
dipped in ranch
burning hot
and drinking drinks
and talking politics
and at one point,
I asked the waitress
if she would mind
if I stabbed him in the leg
with a fork
and we all laughed


but I won't forget
what you told me
because even if our kisses aren't
perfectly romantic
and even if you fart in
the bed
you love me
because of
and not in spite of
me

Up, Down and All Over the Place

Oooh that last post was short. Still feeling pretty sick from yesterday.....I'm at about 80% normality, so that is better than the last 36 hours so far. At least not miserable in bed like I was for 90% of yesterday. I hate being sick. I can generally deal with it if it is just me, but with Mike sick too, I've got to take care of me and take care of mike and figure out how to get the babies taken care of as well. While not in my own space. Which is also making me crazy for other reasons, but in that particular case, it just makes it difficult, because I'm afraid to ask for help or get in trouble, even though I've never been given any evidence in this instance that I'm in trouble or that I've made anyone angry.

I think I might be just overly sensitive. That statement makes me laugh, because I tend to be harsher than most, but I tend to get nervous and antsy if I perceive that people are mad at me or might even be heading in that direction. I hate hate HATE it when people are angry at me and haven't gotten to the expressing part of it yet. I much prefer being yelled at than just trying to guess what your random emotions. That shit makes me CRAZY. I also assume that is why I jump straight to yelling when I'm mad. Things I probably need to work on.

In any case though, I feel relatively better. I'm super tired though. I could probably go for a really large nap although I won't attempt it until at least 11 (so maybe an hour an and a half from now). My kids seem content to play with a broom and a dustpan (wtf, guys), and to make sure all the doors are closed (extremely helpful at times) and whining about various things. They also studiously ignore the TV unless they hear music they like, which happens to ONLY be the theme song from the Big Bang Theory. Weird.

I kind of feel like my entire weekend was shot to hell after Saturday night and Sunday. Which is frustrating because I was looking forward to singing in choir and not feeling like I was in recovery all freaking day. I also feel like I've run out of things to write about. Maybe not in reality, because there is a shitload of stuff that I find hard or irritating or frustrating or painful or whatnot. I'm just never sure who is reading it. I'm terminally afraid of people being angry at me or sad at me (?).

But on the other hand, what if they do read it? What if they are mad at me for what I expose to the world? Not that many people read this. And if you are angered or saddened by what you read, is it your own fault for choosing to read it or mine for choosing to write it? Do I change the names or do I make it completely unambiguous? Do I just decide to only write the good stuff and not the painful reality of what is there?

I don't know.

Hellkitten