"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Thursday, June 27, 2013

my life bowing
down to the wants
and whims and opinions of
others has been fucking exhausting.

I'm beyond
tired of it.

So a few nights ago
I posted a picture and
let a part of my nature be
Some say that it has always been known.
Others are acting like it is
a huge surprise.

I'm not really sure
if it is passive aggressive or
But I plan on digging my heels in.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I would say this
is the worst case of
writer's block I've ever had.
I'm never sure.

Friday, June 21, 2013

if the words that come out
sound bad
what if people don't like them
what if everyone worries
and thinks that I'm terrible
and that the words are terrible
what if they don't like me for my
what if I get stuck
what if I never have time
for writing
what if
what if
what if

Monday, June 17, 2013

My blood sings with words.

There are a thousand thoughts
a million words
and stories that want to be written
that constantly are in my head
that never shut the hell up
write write write
write forever
write morbid
write dying
write horrible
but just let it out

"What is the most basic article of faith?"
"This is not all that we are."

Friday, June 14, 2013

Only in Dreams Do things work out

Unless they are my dreams
which have recently featured
a great deal of blood and fear

Some days are harder than others
for instance
I got a message yesterday
that said

Once a whore always a whore! Not only are you a fucking cow you also have no integrity or loyalty and you deserve every pound of your morbid obesity you slimy scum of the Earth!!!!

As you might imagine,
this is fascinating to me. 
At first it was ugly and made
me very very angry
especially after seeing that I was 
not the only person in my family to 
receive such a message. It helped 
because it allowed me to pinpoint who
sends such things online.
 And now I know.
And after talking to a few friends
I still have no idea
of the why. And it pains me
and I don't know why.
As it turns out, I have not completely
divorced myself from giving a shit
what other people think.

It isn't nice to call people names
or try and mess with their relationships
and family.
It isn't very nice
at all.

I swear I'll stop obsessing about this soon

In the words of Veronica Mars
"We used to be friends, a long time ago."
and to be honest
those words
haunt me.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Painful Eyes

To remember on days where
things hurt too damn much
and the drugs are wrong
or they don't worth and
the anxiety ramps up because
no money and scary doctors.

There are good things.

I get kisses all day every day.
the hope of future pets.
friends I can call and laugh with.
Red sheets and blankets.
watching iron man.
Hot tea.
introducing Sherlock to a new person.
jimmy johns and the hilarity that goes with it.
Eating soup with friends.
cigar with your brother.
the feeling of reality correcting itself.
my kindle and all of the books
kitchen dance parties.
text from last night
good stories
finding out you have a million things in common with someone you are just getting to know.
tumblr funnies
good quotes
fresh water
a good backrub
howling out songs
hearing someone say i love you
lying on the ground talking to my friends

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Standard Dreaming

think of the
nameless ones often
because in their nonexistence
and nonexistent comfort, I imagine
them to be standing in front of me
with their backs to me.
All I can think of to do is to rest my head
on their back or shoulders.
This is a rarity, because even in my fears
and anxieties, and in my dreams
I am afraid to hurt or overextend someone else's good will
simply by touching them.

In my most comforting of dreams
they let me rest my head on them
for a little while
and they take my hand
and they let me feel my pain
and maybe listen a little bit
but mostly just are present with me
they are able to know the ugly me
and process it
and touch me regardless
and then just to be
with me.

Comforting me involves
drinks, preferably warm drinks like tea
and maybe tissues
and the ability to sit with me
until I can tell the truth of the matter
without disguising it with all my

During the fleeting moments
of peace
I try to understand
how it only takes one person
a single sentence to undo me.

I am afraid.
Be afraid.

Look for the blue.
Calm yourself.

Monday, June 3, 2013

As your hand brushed mine
I remembered what it felt
to feel maternal
to love.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

This face
my face is really really
exhausted by the way things are
so I'm going to do what I do best
which is write sad blurbs
and answer questions
if I feel like it.
Life is too sad
to be straightforward about
what's happening right now.

" I don't think that Heaven waits
for only those who congregate...
But I believe in love
I believe in music
I believe in magic
and I believe in you."

I hate skirts. So much.

I have really weird feelings about the Hannibal show.
I've read some really fantastic commentary that encompasses
it, but I'm torn. I really need a few days of quiet so I can watch it
but that would probably result in me being afraid to leave the house
for a while. Visually, it is beautiful. And cannibal related puns are
hilarious. And unintentional. I hope.

After almost three weeks of feeling horrifically ill,
it is a relief to go back to feeling relatively normal.
I'm not good mentally, but physically I'm a lot better.

I wish I could say I'm specifically
a cat or a dog person
I love love love cats
I love the feel of the soft fur
and the soft purr and
the way they bite or claw you randomly
but how most of them love me and knead
my various body parts
and jewel eyes
but I love dogs
I love unconditional love
and tail wags
and barks and slobber
and a large warm body
and exuberant joy at sight.
I just want a pack of cats and dogs
that roam around my house
that eat and snuggle
and roam with me.

Irene Adler's battle dress in Sherlock
made me scream with happiness.

I feel sad and horrible and alone
many minutes and many hours and many days
but there are also minutes and hours of the day
that I feel loved
sometimes when a friend reaches out
or when I'm excited about dinner with a brother
or laughing hysterically over something I've read.

I lived in an apartment with a garden tub
for two or three months
it was glorious.
I like the water I am in to be boiling hot
to the point of being painful
but I am learning to take cool showers.
I'm not currently a fan of baths but I'll
sit in a tub full of painfully hot water every
once in a while.
The cold showers feel good though.

I want one of these quite badly. It will be a while before I buy one
or any of the other many things in this shop
but I love the look of it. Let's be friends, tiny octopus.

The closest thing to me is my phone and kindle.
I'm reading Tamora Pierce books, currently
and rewatching Dr. Who, because I love comfort stuff.
Dr Who isn't comforting so much as familiarly painful
but OH WELL.

I am a Taurus.


"I've got nothing
no magic words
to stop the leaving
to end this hurt
I'm just blank
and staring into space."

4 firefighters died
in a fire in my town.
It was the deadliest day
in Houston Fire Department history.

You are and will be