This face
my face is really really
exhausted by the way things are
currently
so I'm going to do what I do best
which is write sad blurbs
and answer questions
if I feel like it.
Life is too sad
to be straightforward about
what's happening right now.

" I don't think that Heaven waits
for only those who congregate...
But I believe in love
I believe in music
I believe in magic
and I believe in you."

I hate skirts. So much.

I have really weird feelings about the Hannibal show.
I've read some really fantastic commentary that encompasses
it, but I'm torn. I really need a few days of quiet so I can watch it
but that would probably result in me being afraid to leave the house
for a while. Visually, it is beautiful. And cannibal related puns are
hilarious. And unintentional. I hope.

After almost three weeks of feeling horrifically ill,
it is a relief to go back to feeling relatively normal.
I'm not good mentally, but physically I'm a lot better.

I wish I could say I'm specifically
a cat or a dog person
I love love love cats
I love the feel of the soft fur
and the soft purr and
the way they bite or claw you randomly
but how most of them love me and knead
my various body parts
and jewel eyes
but I love dogs
I love unconditional love
and tail wags
and barks and slobber
and a large warm body
and exuberant joy at sight.
I just want a pack of cats and dogs
that roam around my house
that eat and snuggle
and roam with me.

Irene Adler's battle dress in Sherlock
made me scream with happiness.

I feel sad and horrible and alone
many minutes and many hours and many days
but there are also minutes and hours of the day
that I feel loved
sometimes when a friend reaches out
or when I'm excited about dinner with a brother
or laughing hysterically over something I've read.

I lived in an apartment with a garden tub
for two or three months
it was glorious.
I like the water I am in to be boiling hot
to the point of being painful
but I am learning to take cool showers.
I'm not currently a fan of baths but I'll
sit in a tub full of painfully hot water every
once in a while.
The cold showers feel good though.

I want one of these quite badly. It will be a while before I buy one
or any of the other many things in this shop
but I love the look of it. Let's be friends, tiny octopus.

The closest thing to me is my phone and kindle.
I'm reading Tamora Pierce books, currently
and rewatching Dr. Who, because I love comfort stuff.
Dr Who isn't comforting so much as familiarly painful
but OH WELL.

I am a Taurus.

Short and Angry

Things that
make me crazy
include the sounds
of cats yowling
and dogs howling
and children crying.

Why does everyone
insist on sound so
fucking mournful
when they are anywhere
near me?
I do not demand
peals of laughter
or screams of
mirth
but something
besides
incessant whining
and crying that
has nothing to do
with pain
and screams that
are simply a result
of demand with no
supply and a dog
who just won't be
quiet
would be nice
for a change.

Little Miss You'll Go Far, Little Miss Hide Your Scars

Picked you out and picked you upHopin' that my luck would changeLet the summer fill my lungsSuperstition fill my brain
DandelionA million little wishes float across the skyBut it's a waste of breath and a waste of time, I knowCause just like him, you always leave me cryingDandelion
Send you dancing on the breezeAnd like a stupid little girlI spent my wishes on a weedThinkin' it could change my world
DandelionA million little wishes float across the skyBut it's a waste of breath and a waste of time, I knowCause just like him, you always leave me cryingDandelion
Falling stars and lucky penniesHave let me down so many times beforeAnd you're just one more
Oh, dandelion, woahOh, dandelionI'm always blowin' kisses out across the skyBut it's a waste of breath and a waste of time, I knowCause just like him, you always leave me cryingDandelionDandelion~ Kacey Musgraves

Last night, I bought the Kacey Musgraves albumand I must say, it is by far one of the most enjoyable listening experiences I've had in a long long time. I bought itin preparation for my first night at work. An excellent, inconvenient countryalbum that I won't expect to hear too much of on the radio, but here's hoping,because her writing is incredible, on top of having a lovely voice. Very relatable.
 Speaking of which, it was a long, quiet night. Quieter than I expected, but full of plenty of work, untilthe very end. I sang for a few hours, which I conveniently forgot about but then I drove home and my voice cracked the entire way. 
Very few dogs, no cats. So mostly cleaning and prepping for the next dayand no one has called me to say that I did badly or that they are going to fire me so I suppose I did alright. That's good. I'm still pretty damn tired, but that is going to be true until tomorrow morning, most likely. I want to be productive today, I do, but it is all I can do to drag myselfto go see my friends tonight. Must. Be. Human.But my feet don't hurt hardly at all any more while working.
The pain is migrating, but it will eventually wear itself out and that's good. I can feel where my body is changing. Andit hurts, but it is worth it. Things feel different. Unfortunately,the whole part time job makes it more difficult to rewire my brainand body to accept staying up at night and sleeping during the daysince it will only happen 2-3 nights a week. And I already have extreme difficultysleeping during the night.
But this morning, I came home after dropping off the kidsand I looked at the time and it was nineand I... I think I was laying in bed.And then I woke up and it was 2.It was so fast, I lost some timeand that feels odd, because it didn't take any Ambien or anything. It was just 2 all of a suddenand 4 missed texts and 8 missed calls and 30 emailslater because I was so tired I didn't hear any of it.And while it gave me a heart attack, because I'm not used to succumbing to sleep quite so heartilyIt was so lovely and so quiet in my headfor those hours.My head hasn't been this quiet in yearsand it has lasted. It is almost six and it is still quiet in here.Thank you, brain, for accepting good things on occasion. I appreciate it so much.
I'm writing choppilyand I'm not a fan of how it looks or soundsbut it is what is in my head and it is like one straight lineinstead of tens and hundreds of curvy swoopsand for art, that is okay, for my head I can deal with thatbut the comfort of just one internal voicethat is freakishly contentis so damn good.

Many looks of a HellKitten

This is my kitten. He likes to take showers with me. He is disgustingly cute and cuddly and when I move out, I fully plan on stealing him.

Vamp face.

This is last easter. I'm holding a bear dog rottweiler puppy. I say all that to say this.

She is a beastly rottweiler now. And she still hugs me like in the picture and sits on my lap. And since she weighs about 80 lbs, it is not near as much fun as you might expect.

My fiance took this photo. I was actually doing a photo shoot for him, and now that I've actually wrote that, I realize how weird that sounds. BUT, in his defense, the new duster was awesome and if I'd gotten one I'd totally want a photo shoot to go with it too.

Anyhoo, I was running towards him and he was like STOP! MUST HAVE CAMERA.

And made me re-run, because he liked that running look so much. I'm shocked at how good they look. This is my favorite, it looks so carefree.

This is my day job.

I'm kidding, but I wish it were. I'd be a great assassin. Anyway, semi-professionally done photo shoot, but it's only semi because I'm not a real model. :)

THIS is how to show off a car. I chose the least provocative photo in this group of pictures, because, hey, the internet is forever and my dad reads this blog occasionally. I don't look happy, but it was one of those perfect fall days.

This was the beginning. Or nearish to the beginning of the second time we dated. Amazing day with the girls and Mike.

This is my awkward come-hither picture. I can't BELIEVE how much this picture makes me laugh, mostly because on facebook, I had an ex comment about how the only thing he'd complain about in this picture was the bed.

This is the first photo I can remember taking of myself. I think I had just transferred from private to public school for the first time in freshman year and judging by the look on my face, I was feeling particularly emo that day. I took that picture on my first phone and I'm still surprised that the camera on my phone was so good.

Anyway, even if I look all creepy and whatnot, I love this picture.

Bad picture, amazing memory. Night before Scottish Festival, couldn't sleep, I was so excited.

The next day I spent all day with my best friends, my almost boyfriends and danced a wonderfully romantic dance. I also grew much closer with lots of people. It was an epic day.

Also, I could swirl my skirt. At my wedding, this dance will be recreated. OH HELLS YEA.

The day after graduation. New car, no makeup, no sleep and soooooo happy to be done.

First dance of the freshman year. OH MY GOD THAT SHOWER CURTAIN.

Anyway, I seriously thought I was hot stuff. And my stockings were totally ruined that night from all the barefoot dancing I did. Retrospectively, I think that I should have worn a dancing dress, not a standing dress.

Interesting day. Almost drowned.

Modeling with younger cousins

The inspiration for this post is from Gala Darling. She is my new discovery and although she's been around since 2008, her site just blows my mind. Her radical self love is inspirational and I love her. In a quiet way. <3>