"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Eyes Open

"Everybody's waiting for you to break down
Everybody's waiting to see the fall out
Even when you're sleeping
keep your eyes

I was at a house on the bay on the beach
one weekend and it started around 9
and ended around 1 am and I was so very tired
but I smiled through the hours because two houses down
there had to be the biggest rager on that side of the island
I could hear all the people there screaming SHOTS
at least 5 different times that night and every so often
a kayak with people wandering off to do whatever young people
do drunkenly in the wee hours of the night would slide past my house
and I would scream at them to have a good time
and they would back and it was oh so reminiscent of the
drunken toast I am not quite the master of.

Sometimes I think that I am not quite the person
who makes the choices
but at other times the rage is flowing so much stronger than the grief does
it's the rage that gives me the choice
that even when I'm so angry I can't stop shaking
I'm changing I'm flying I'm shaking the dust from my feet
because I try not to wear shoes
all my hair is gone but I think the back of my neck is where
I keep my power
and my hands.

Once upon a time
a million years ago
and today sometimes
I've successfully hidden how I feel for so many instances and so many years
that I don't even remember how I really feel about something.
There are no more real feelings for these moments
only rueful smiles and nods that say I agree
stay safe don't rock the boat.
It's okay just don't say anything.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Let's just ignore that previous title. christ.

On brief occasions
very brief, very occasionally
I worry that all the words that spill out so frequently
will one day spin their way into a web I can't talk my way out of.

One day all the words I spew and spit and speak
won't  mean a damn thing, because when I'm still and silent
all I see are hands wrapped around me and things I've never done
feet that haven't gone where I wanted them to and
lips that are fuller but angrier
and a life I'll never live is just too much to see floating around behind my eyes

and on the days that these thoughts creep nearer and nearer
I stay in my room, draw the curtains, dim the lights
and mourn the things I might have been.

Oh darling, darling
don't assume
it doesn't do any good
or do
as it turns out,
I occasionally take applications for my grief.

Saturday, July 19, 2014


"But if you close your eyes
does it almost feel like nothing changed at all
and if you close your eyes
does it almost feel like you've  been here before
oh, how am I gonna be an optimist about this."

My skin itches on rainy days
and because it is summer
the thunderstorms around here are frequent.

Looking at my guitar and my piano
makes my brain itchy and my fingers twitch
I can't quite make myself go and play
but I sit on the couch and tap tap tap
and practice the chords and the notes
and try to remember what it was like to have my fingers fly
the way my brain does.

Fortunately, there is a small slightly evil cat here
and when she notices me getting upset
or moving too fast
or really any time she sees me existing
she comes over and makes her presence known. 
She knows when the brain and the stomach are doing terrible things
and she makes her presence known
and that presence is generally much more calming on most days
unlike today, where her presence has far more claws
and we are not getting trimmed until tomorrow.
My skin has a growing collection of holes
in the shape of pawprints.

I went to therapy for the first time since January or earlier
I can't really remember
but it was super helpful
and I think she wants to work with me to capture the parts of my brain that I like
the musical parts and the parts that are able to think coherently most of the time
and she wants to help rewire my fight or flight or freeze systems
which are in desperate need of a tune up or just maybe we should
strip the whole thing and put in new wiring. Or whatever it is that you do
to cars and brains that are magnificent fuck ups.

She's asked that I identify things that allow me to quiet the eternal brain chanting
and I thought of a few while I was there
the cat Evangeline and the way she cuddles
when the kids want a story or just to sit with me
reading, but I use that a lot to numb the pain and the fear and the anxiety
I can rarely concentrate for long enough to do one thing at a time
cleaning or playing games for longer than 5 minutes at a time is a struggle
I can read more because I can intersperse it with other things
I don't know really. I don't know what's wrong, but I know something
is off, and I have been off,

there are always loops in my brain
things that stick, there was a ghost in my closet for 3 years once
and my brain still tells me that the food isn't mine that someone will steal it
so hide it squirrel it run away
Don't trust her, don't trust him, hide your children do not look at the sunlight
Don't tell anyone the truth, don't fight
don't touch my stuff don't read my writings what if she hates me what if I throw up
what if I'm not the best the brightest the strongest
what if I'm the angriest
hold your head still be careful migraines blinding pain always just around the corner.
why do my eyebrows never conform to a single shape no matter how much I or anyone else shapes them
why do my hands shake so much?
Why do I feel so indisputably ill after anxiety hits
why won't anyone believe me when I tell them I feel sick
why does the fear make it hard to say no but harder still to make meaningful connections
why is it only once or twice a month that I can push past the walls that I've built up
and let myself cry?

Friday, July 4, 2014

No one's girl

"And it's not much
but my money's on you."

I promise
I promise
I promise

that I loved you once
that I love you still

but some nights
I hate me.