Eyes Open

"Everybody's waiting for you to break down
Everybody's waiting to see the fall out
Even when you're sleeping
keep your eyes
open."


I was at a house on the bay on the beach
one weekend and it started around 9
and ended around 1 am and I was so very tired
but I smiled through the hours because two houses down
there had to be the biggest rager on that side of the island
I could hear all the people there screaming SHOTS
at least 5 different times that night and every so often
a kayak with people wandering off to do whatever young people
do drunkenly in the wee hours of the night would slide past my house
and I would scream at them to have a good time
and they would back and it was oh so reminiscent of the
drunken toast I am not quite the master of.

Sometimes I think that I am not quite the person
who makes the choices
but at other times the rage is flowing so much stronger than the grief does
it's the rage that gives me the choice
that even when I'm so angry I can't stop shaking
I'm changing I'm flying I'm shaking the dust from my feet
because I try not to wear shoes
all my hair is gone but I think the back of my neck is where
I keep my power
and my hands.

Once upon a time
a million years ago
and today sometimes
I've successfully hidden how I feel for so many instances and so many years
that I don't even remember how I really feel about something.
There are no more real feelings for these moments
only rueful smiles and nods that say I agree
stay safe don't rock the boat.
It's okay just don't say anything.