"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Short Post

More one sentence stories....

Walking around Renfest in that leather outfit was the sexiest and most powerful I've ever felt.

When I'm trying to find a quote that describes our relationship, all I can think of is a Lion King quote, and shouting at the sky "You said you'd always be there for me!!! But you're not...."

The song lyric that best describes my life currently goes kinda like this "For every stoplight I didn't make, every chance I did or I didn't take, all the nights I went too far, all the boys that broke my heart, all the doors that I had to close, everything I knew but I didn't know, thank God for all I missed, 'cause it lead me here to this."

She makes me laugh, because Megan Love still got the better end of the deal.

Also, my apartment is better.

Moving on, advice I'd give the general populace:

Don't send nekkid pictures. My friends have done some STUPID things and so I resolve to keep on NOT GETTING NEKKID IN FRONT OF CAMERAS! Christ, is it that hard to figure out??

I don't give a shit about the royal wedding. I really really don't. Thank you, Perez Hilton, for giving my daily dose of trash just what I needed to quit you.

Monday, April 25, 2011


I remember when my life felt like this. Ever wanting something more, never having enough. I loved how it was then, because I never knew what it was supposed to be. Did you know that it isn't supposed to be like that? You aren't supposed to be forever hoping when you are in love. Maybe you are hoping for a little different, but you think life is just perfect, because that's the best you've ever had.

And now, here's how I feel. Like I can fight and be angry and even batshit crazy and still be loved, forever, for who I am. Not longing anymore, but content.

Mmmmm. God, it's a nice feeling.

More soon.

Friday, April 22, 2011

The End of the End of the World As We Know It

I find myself at a loss for words today. Not that it's hard to talk, because good GOD it would take a catastrophe of Godzilla-size proportions to make me shut the hell up, but I'm just so f*cking pissed at the world, it's kind of ridiculous.

Anyway, the story of last saturday went something like this:

When I move out of my house, I do NOT want to tell my friends that it was because I had to clean my room. Or because I was pissed off at my parents.

Fortunately, I have an incredible person in my life who supports me no matter what I choose to do and parent who talk me out of the craziest shit ever.

So it ended well.

And I'm getting married earlier.

I love all of y'all.


This day fucking SUCKED.

Hello, emo whiny boy bands....or Taylor Swift.

Not that it wasn't of my own making, but whatever.

Magic shops fucking rock, though.

However, someone now owes me our annual meal. Do I know when this will happen? No, because I'm going to have to stop being seriously angry at you first....and I'm going to have to stop being angry at me too. Which is a harder job.

Dear Lord,
Help me to be content with my life. To strive for my dreams, for greatness, to lust for learning, but teach me to be happy with what I have.

Or to make other people pay for it.

In nomine de patris, et filius, et spiritus sanctus.

Monday, April 18, 2011

One Sentence

Inspired by One Sentence , a site that tells stories in one sentence.

When I see his hands, I'm thinking about you.

When we went and sat behind the school on a cold Saturday morning, he brought his guitar and sang me songs.

When he came to the door bare-ass nekkid, I knew being friends was going to be a lot harder than I originally thought, but a hell of a lot more interesting.

Every time I swim in a pool, I'm torn between fear of sharks, creepy water monsters and drowning, and a love of the water, but despite all the conflict I get in as much as I can anyway.

That party, I discovered I could run in four inch high heels.

I blushed bright red when he gave me communion.

The more I think about tattoos, the more I want one.

When you danced with me in the kitchen during New Years Eve, you cemented me falling in love with you.

Getting in a few fights made my fear of pain a great deal less.

Any time a man talks to me about how abortion is a terrible, wrong act, I want to smack them for thinking they know anything about how terrifying it is to be in such a position, even though I'm pro-life.

I thought I was falling away from the church until I heard the music at mass today.

I miss the sound of a voice that I thought I knew.

If I had known those days that we would be engaged, that you would be the first one to say I love you, I wouldn't have cried for four days straight.

At the Festival, you would have been surprised at what was going on behind the scenes.

After she graduated, I wrote her a song.

I'm glad I asked him to kiss me.

Friday, April 15, 2011

So, today I heard a song on the radio.

I can't believe they played it. It's from 2006 and I felt a brief burst of pain on listening. It shocks me that it's been 5 years since I listened to that song on a daily basis.

I had a friend that broke up with his girlfriend and then called me, and left a hilariously sad voicemail, while this song was playing on the background. I've never been able to re-find him after the end of my junior year. I miss talking to him and our friendship. Any help?

Anyway, all sadness aside. I have tonight to myself. I doubt that means much of anything besides wedding planning, job applying and whatnot, and in all honestly, that doesn't bother me all that much.

I loove Lady Gaga, I think Born this Way is a wonderful song and totally inspired, but the Judas song is killing me. We get that you are so innovative, but STOP. At falling in love with Judas.


Monday, April 11, 2011

Pain and Anguish

So, I'm going through the loads of papers that I kept writing throughout high school. I have an extensively detailed diary that I've kept since 2007. So why the hell are significant names missing? The boyfriend before my current fiance isn't mentioned at all. All I can find of my first love are literally quotes I've written down. They take up pages and pages of journal, so why in the name of GOD didn't I detail it like I remember.

So I'm searching through my computer looking for all the correspondence that I've had with these people, and all this stuff pops up. Rereading it is painful but hilarious at the same time. There is so much energy in these words. There's tons of emotions in all of this writing and I find it incomprehensible that at one point I literally couldn't numb myself to all of this. The writing is incredibly extensive and painfully truthful, but at the same time we protected ourselves so fiercely. Honesty tempered with fear.

"You take care of everyone and keep everybody sane"

The word memorize pains me.

I'm not sure if thats how love is supposed to be. These days, it's a lot less dramatic, thankfully.
In any case, I've been feeling horribly melancholy today. Hence the pain and anguish. You may all carry on with your lives now!

My Top Ten Guilty Pleasures

Guilty Pleasures.

1. Hot cheetoes with lime and coca cola.

2. Talking to old friends.

3. Laurell K. Hamilton Books.

4. Sexy high heeled shoes.

5. My tarot cards.

6. Driving by myself.

7. Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Grey's Anatomy and Glee. Oh, True Blood and Walking Dead.

8. Guns. And graphic novels.

9. Online comics like Looking for Group.

10. Silver jewelry and good cameras.

This is the most boring post ever.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Day 10- My first kiss went a little like this.....

Day 10- Discuss your first love and your first kiss.

I find this a horribly awkward subject to write on. I'll start with my first kiss.

It was my freshman year, I was 14 or 15. I went to the movies with a guy that I met at my first school dance. I don't even remember what movie we saw, but my dad went and watched from several rows back so I think it might have been a Harry Potter movie. Retrospectively, this now seems hilarious. That poor guy! I remember him holding my hand and stroking the inside of my arm the entire time. That was a crazy feeling for someone who had never held hands with someone like that. Ever.

We walked out to the parking lot and before I got in the car, he held me and kissed me. It was soft and sweet and thinking about it makes me embarrassed, because it was a doomed relationship from the start. I never should have gone out with this guy and I'm horrified that I did. It wasn't that he was horribly ugly or a terrible person or something like that. It was just that I knew he was my friends ex and I did it anyway. I hate it. The kiss was nice though. I discovered that I LOVE kissing.

And now for the more painful part.

The first time I fell in love.

The end of freshman year. I began to get to know a guy I used to know from middle school. I was in 8th grade when he was in 11th, I believe, because I think he either had just graduated or was a year into college when we started being attracted to each other. I don't even know how to describe how things went down so I'm going to write some quotes from various things he and I wrote.

~I am not hating myself anymore. Sometimes I have to be numb.

~ I was thinking of you. I was just hoping that you wouldn't be stressed about the whole ordeal I put myself into. I didn't want you to worry that I would do something you would not like. I want you to trust in me.

~Megan, do I make you happy?

~ I held back for nothing

~Weird how we met, wierd how you hooked me, wierd and risky how much you mean to me.

~ I'm blind for you

~ You want me

~What were you thinking?

I have no pictures of either of these men.
If one of you (you know who you are) read this, please email me the pics of us. I'd really appreciate having them.

On the subject of my first falling in love, when I think about it, I feel intense grief for the way things ended. I lost a friend as well as many other things. He was one of three relationships that, when they ended, felt like I'd really truly lost something precious to me. I felt my heart break several times in that relationship. I think we were doomed from the start, and I mean that with as much hilarity as I can put in it.

I have no idea if he still considers me a friend. We rarely, if ever, talk. It was on and off for around three years, I think? I like to think that I'm a big enough person to wish him well now.

I pray for him though. Especially to Mary.
He was the first Catholic guy I dated.

Day 9- Welcome to the Future

Day 9- What I hope my future will be like.

Well obviously I hope it’s a pleasant one. I hope that I continue to be friends with the same tight knit group of girls I currently am with now. I hope that my wedding is wonderful and happy and full of fun, friends and music. I hope that I’ll stop having such depressing feelings and start feeling normal again. I hope to work at a good job in a hospital and to go through nursing school fairly quickly.

And I hope to forget parts of the last 5 years. To stop feeling regret and sadness and live for the moment.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Day 8- Oooo Satisfaction

Day 08- A moment where I felt most satisfied with myself.

In this moment, I was pregnant, my parents knew it, I knew that they still loved me and we were loving on a sweet puppy and I was visiting my brother in Austin. I missed Mike, but I felt really loved and wasn't worried about the future at all.

I was happy here. The weather was perfect, I was with my best friends and I felt totally un self-conscious. It was a wonderful trip.

It was graduation. I was happy and excited for me and my family and my friends and my then boyfriend. Everyone was happy, I had just gotten my car and all I was worried about was what party to go to that night!

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Day 7- Zodiac

Day 7- My zodiac sign and if I think it fits my personality.

Okay. Blue will be the definition and red will be what I think.

April 20 - May 20

Taurus, the second sign of the zodiac, is all about reward. Unlike the Aries love of the game, Taurus loves the rewards of the game.
Well, gosh, that's a little awkward. Think physical pleasures and material goods, for those born under this sign revel in delicious excess. They are also a tactile lot, enjoying a tender, even sensual, touch. Yep, if you know me, you know it's ALL about the texture.Taurus adores comfort and likes being surrounded by pleasing, soothing things.Give me my blankie and a good pillow and I'm a happy camper. Along these lines, they also favor a good meal and a fine wine. Good food is wonderful. I hate wine with a flaming passion, so no, not really. The good life in all its guises, whether it's the arts or art of their own making (yes, these folks are artistic as well), is heaven on Earth to the Taurus-born. I guess I'm kind of artsy. I revel in music. Is that accurate?

It's the Bull that serves as the Taurus's mascot, and along with that comes the expectation that these folks are bull-headed and stubborn.
SHUT UP MIKE. Yes, they are. Hey, this sign has a Fixed Quality attached to it after all, so expect that things will occasionally grind to a halt. That said, Taurus doesnÕt start out with the intention of getting stuck. I'm actually quite flexible. They simply want to get things done, and it's that steady, dogged persistence that winds up being viewed as stubbornness. Bulls are actually among the most practical and reliable members of the zodiac, and they are happy to plod along, as it were, in pursuit of their goals. I am practical somewhat but I'm also optimistic, dammit! The good news for Bulls is that once they get to the finish line, they'll swaddle themselves in material goods. JERK. A self-indulgent beast? Perhaps, but if you toiled as laboriously as these folks do, you'd need some goodies, too.

Taurus is ruled by Venus, a lovely goddess who didn't deny herself many things. In ancient Roman mythology, Venus was the Goddess of Love, Beauty and Pleasure, and Taurus has pretty much taken up where she left off. Bulls are fond of all things pretty, whether it's in their home, at a museum or on the stage.
This is painfully accurate. Aesthetics are, well, beautiful. Mad Men and Carnivale, wot? Life as one sweet pas de deux is how the Taurus-born like it. To onlookers, this may look like so much materialism and blessed excess, but Bulls really aren't interested in living without beauty in their lives. Beauty to the Bull also comes in the way of a happy home life, one that includes a partner and a stable relationship.This is soooo true about me.

Taurus values harmony in their personal lives, so they'll work hard on keeping their mate happy.
No, I like making HIM work to be happy.The Bull's penchant for sensual pleasures, of course, can only help things along! I'm not even gonna comment on this. Bulls can also be the sappiest of sentimentalists.*hangs head* Will all this overweening attention to their mate turn a Bull into a possessive mess? Probably not, although these folks do have to manage their tendency to latch on a bit tight. *whips out handcuffs*At the end of the day, however, TaurusÕs are true romantics and loyal to the core. Agreed.

The Element associated with Taurus is Earth. No pie-in-the-sky for these practical folks, since they'd much rather be on terra firma. Bulls tend toward conservatism
(a phrase I use frequently), and this is often seen in their day-to-day behavior. No far-out schemes (that's Air) or shrieking ultimatums (more like Fire) this part is less than accurate, I've been known to scream ultimatums, obscenities and all sorts of fun things here. Taurus much prefers to take each day slowly and steadily and work toward their ultimate goal. Along these lines, those born under this sign are happy to stick with their projects until they have reached a successful conclusion. hmphThey are also extremely patient and dependable along the way. Does that sound earthy enough? The only kink in this well-oiled chain is the heckler in the gallery that tries to upbraid the Bull. These folks may not have a hair-trigger temper, but it's short enough.This is straight up true. You fuck with me, I'm pretty aggressive. Bulls in a hissy fit can get pretty argumentative, but eventually they'll calm down and come back to center, since these folks would much rather be Zen. True. You can talk me down.The Earth in this sign does tend to act as a balancing mechanism so that things never get truly out of hand. For every one person who considers the Bull a pain, there are two who will say 'No way!' and happily take the Taurus' gentle charms any day.

Seeing as how Bulls are generally strong and well-built, it's no surprise that these folks enjoy testing their strength on the field of play. Expect to find a Bull engaged in a spirited game of hoops or mountain climbing. Hiking is also a favorite pastime, since it keeps Taurus close to their beloved earth. Indoor adventures are also favored by Bulls, which is why the opera or ballet is right up a Taurus's alley. When it comes to love, the Taurus-born are devoted, romantic and somewhat possessive. Their sensual nature has a way of erasing any mistakes! Since Taurus rules the neck and throat, Bulls would be wise to keep a silky scarf at hand, ideally in a warm (and soothing) earth tone.I like this paragraph, except I'm more a book reader than a contest participator. Also, I looooove scarves.

The great strength of Taurus is in their stability, loyalty and dogged determination. Bulls want to get the job done, and they will. What better way to get the riches they so fervently crave?

So, there are obviously aspects that do and aspects that do not match my personality from the Taurus horoscope. Since I generally don't believe in horoscopes, it's neither here nor there to me, but analyzing was extremely entertaining

Monday, April 4, 2011

Day 6- 30 Facts

Thirty Facts About Yours Truly

1. As an answer to a comment on Day 4, there are some aspects of Wicca as well as Judaism that I find interesting. I love the ritual of these particular religions, and the idea of a feminine God, as well as a masculine one. I love a religion that allows you to find the God in everything. It goes along with zero point energy and tesla and some incredible things. Namaste, which means "the God in me sees and honors the God in you." I'm trying to live that these days and it's hard but it helps me remember.

Or maybe it's just because I want to be her...

2. I love Taylor Swift. I love her music, I love her writing, I love that she seems like the nicest person in the whole wide world.

3. Joss Whedon. 'Nuff said.

4. I have an intense fear that once I become a nurse, I'll end up working under a doctor that I know. There are some I'd be okay with (Hi Whitney!) but there are some that would be SO bad. There are NO words. Great, Megan, decide to be a nurse and then have plenty of future doctors hate your guts. Fortunately, if I become a nurse within the next 4 years, I'll be well established wherever I'm working LONG before they become real doctors (not you, whitney!).

5. I love music. I hate sharing what kind I love, though, and that tends to make people crazy. If you hang around long enough, though, you may find out. I also love new types of music, so if you introduce someone to me and I like them, I tend to LOVE them.

Someone introduced this song to me my senior year and I love it SO MUCH. Both of these artists are people I NEVER would have tried on my own but because someone heard this song and thought of me, I checked them out and I love the artists now! :) I love sharing. Just not when I am the one sharing.

6. I write fiction. I'm working on transferring from fanfiction to fiction. I am not proud of my fanfiction, as the silliness of it embarrasses me and I'm pretty sure it's still floating around the internets somewhere, waiting for me to become famous and then it will pop out at me and scream something along the lines of "LOOK AT THE SHIT THIS GIRL WROTE!" And then I will curl up in a ball and die.

7. When I have a daughter, I have a name picked out.

Illyria. I love it. And Michaela. I'm just not sure which order.

8. The new apartment deal (which I'll write about later) is blowing my mind.

9. My twin boys are 6 months old! That just is crazy!

10. Hellkitten is my favorite nickname. It was given to me by a friend my sophomore year of high school. I don't know if he gave this name to anyone else, but it has a very special place in my heart because it characterizes me so perfectly and because this particular person gave it to me. I doubt he reads this, but in case he does, thank you so much for your love and friendship.

11. The group of 3 girls and I that are best friends made my high school experience great. I had a million things go wrong in high school, but the girl friends I got made it all worthwhile.

12. The name of my blog comes from the Gunslinger books by Stephen King. The entire quote is this :

"He taught me if you kill what you love, you're damned."
"I am damned already," Roland said calmly. "But perhaps even the damned may be saved."

13. I find Weeds to be the funniest show I've ever seen. I literally laugh out loud every time I see an episode. That's a rare thing in a TV show.

14. I found the perfect Caesar salad at Carinos. I am not even kidding. It is the most delicious salad I've ever had. The world is a better place with it.

15. This is the first year I've ever liked bagels. I'm still trying to figure out how I went for so long without them. They are epic and delicious and oh sweet Jeebus, WHY am I on a diet right now????

16. At this moment, the book I am enjoying most is a Neil Gaiman book by the name of American Gods. As someone who has spent years reading about mythology of all kinds, this book rings wonderfully and painfully true. I love the cautions of not to forget the old Gods to the new gods. It makes you think about what is the truth. But in a funny way. Neverwhere is also excellent!

17. I hate fighting. Sometimes I'm snarky and argumentative but when I'm really angry and truly arguing with someone, whether it's my parents or mike, I feel sick afterwards, like the adrenaline took all the strength I had in me. I also have been known to shake.

18. I love to sleep. The addiction started late pregnancy and now it's my favorite thing!

19. I hate bland colors of nail polish. If your nails are already pink, what is the point of painting them some ridiculous pink/tan washed out color? Why not be bold? I love red. And occasionally blue.

20. I love bagpipes and Scottish music. I love the haunting and the melancholy and I love the dancing music.

21. Glee and Grey's Anatomy are my weekly guilty pleasures. I'm not proud of them, they are like a sonic double cheeseburger, amazing and delicious, but horribly bad for you. Well, at least Glee is.

22. My first kiss (both of them) with my fiance was at a church. Yeah, I know, BAD slutty megan! Places I've had first kisses are garages, next to the front door of Elkins, stairways, in a garage, at Vacation Bible School and church. I'm so going to hell.

23. I love love love chocolate. Which sucks, because it makes me super depressed but Cadbury and Lindt are amazing and I can't bring myself to give it up.

24. I love coke. The brown stuff, poured over ice stuff. It is delicious and it can eat your liver. Much like me.

25. I need a job so badly, it is not even funny. I love my twins, but I need some adult conversations SOON. Dear Hooters....

26. Speaking of which, I've never been to a Hooters. Any takers? Must go on bucket list.

27. Looking at expensive things makes me cranky. Hence, I rarely go shopping. Things are so pretty but I rarely can have them, or buy them so I don't like tempting myself.

28. I'm thinking about tattoos currently. Much to Mike's horror. If I get one (big if, by the way, and when), it would probably span from under the side of my breast across my back to my lower hip. I'm still looking at different designs and whatnot. And deciding whether I want to or not.

29. I desperately love my kindle. Mike and my parents gave me one and it is WONDERFUL! I love having a light, accessible 173 books. I am slowly replenishing all the books I sold. Hello, Stephen King, I'll be supplying you with my money today!

30. I am getting married Saturday, October 13, 2012. This excites me like you wouldn't believe. Looking at how to plan a wedding looks hard, but honestly? I can't wait.