"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Thursday, December 30, 2010

What is Happiness.

What is happiness to me?

It is hearing the rain fall and the thunder roll so loudly, it drowns out my thoughts.

It is the quiet time after a big crowd.

It is a sleep, where I wake up smiling.

It is seeing my babies smile, stretch, and laugh.

It is listening to Taylor Swift or Lady Antebellum.

It is reading my latest Warhammer 40,000 book, which is strangely funny. Weird, right? Caiphas Cain, you are too weird for words.

It is reading The Walking Dead. Oh zombie apocalypse, you make my life joyful and wonderous. Even with horrific spoilers in the first. fucking. book. damn it damn it damn it.

It is watching Charmed. Almost as excellent as Buffy. Almost.

It is reading a A+ certification textbook and realizing that I know most of it.

It is wearing a snuggie.

It is being with friends that you miss everyday.

It is taking a nap with my person.

It is holding hands with the man of my dreams.

It is finding the best pair of leather high heeled shoes for $45.

It is watching David Bowie in Labrynth.

It is Repo! The Genetic Opera.

It is loving someone else more than I could ever imagine.

It is a pair of jeans that fit perfectly.

It is OPI nail polish.

It is warm shells and cold steel.

It is knowing who is going to be with you forever.

It is roses.

It is love.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

I love you

Dear Love,

Happy 24th birthday! You are almost an antique! I promise I’m not trying to be ridiculously weird by bringing this up again, and I also promise not to say this on your 25th birthday, upon which you will actually become an antique. Really. 

So, this is the third birthday I’ve spent with you. And once again, I’m amazingly thankful that your birthday falls right next to Christmas, so I can be horribly confused as to what to get you only once-ish a year. Guys are hard to shop for and you are not the exception to that rule, much to my despair.

I get all tongue tied when I try to talk or write about how I feel about you, or about us. But here goes.

My favorite memories are built around you. My future is brighter because I see you in it. You hold my hand when I get angry or sad. You love me past all my insecurities and problems. I always want you on my side, especially during a zombie apocalypse. You make me smile even when I don’t want to. You are my best friend in everything. I love that we fight one minute and you can have me smiling 20 seconds later. You catch me when I fall down. You run behind me and keep me going (although I’m not entirely convinced your motivation for running behind me is totally pure and innocent). I love spending my time with you and I would all day if I could.  I miss you when you aren’t here. You are a great daddy, Michael and that is a wonderful thing.

I find it amazing that I’m with the person I want to spend the rest of my life with right now. How many people are that lucky? I can’t wait to marry you and live with you and grow old with you. You are my favorite person and I love you now and I’ll love you forever.

Happy birthday Michael.


Ps. Please don’t ever ask for a pony, because I’m not sure I could handle that.

I hid under your porch because I love you.

I found the one whom my soul loves.

~Song of Solomon 3:4
This is my beloved and this is my friend.

~Song of Solomon 5:16
…You alone are the sources of my grief,
you alone can grant the grace of consolation.
You alone have the power to make me sad,
to make me happy or to console me…
I never wanted anything in you
but you alone,
nothing of what you have
but you yourself,
~Heloise, in her letter to Peter Abelard

Friday, December 3, 2010

Happy Late Birthday, you piece of shit

Dear human being,

You should have taught one of my favorite men how to be a man. Instead, he became a man in spite of you, which should just not have to happen. You did your best to keep him down, to make him less, but he is so much better than you ever were or ever will be. I still see the scars you left on him, the non-physical ones, and if I could, I'd go back in time with a Louisville Slugger and beat on you the same way you verbally and physically beat on him and the rest of your family.

Thankfully though, you are dead. I never met you and so now I only deal with the scars you left on the person I love. They aren't his fault. They are yours. Maybe something happened to you that made you the evil, manipulative person you were. But it was your choice to remain that way.

Happy birthday in hell.


Thursday, December 2, 2010

Reverb 10- Day 2

What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Oh God, I am always so damn distracted. I don't take 20 minutes a day to simply think and write.

I should probably quit watching one episode of grey's per day, since I watch 2-3 episodes per day, and use that forty minutes to write. And start REALLY journaling again. And stop writing down texts. Yes, I just admitted I did that, so you can all start calling me stalker Megan.


Reverb10- A day Late, but Day One

Reverb10 is a project used to write every day of December.

First days assignment (yesterdays', so there will be two posts today) is this:

One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

I'd choose extreme as my 2010 word. I didn't climb Mount Everest and I didn't swim to the bottom of the sea. I think I rode my bike a grand total of once. I kept up with my music, playing guitar and piano as little as I've ever played them.

But I was pregnant and gave birth to twins, something that I never imagined that I'd have the physical, emotional or mental strength to do. It's an extreme choice, to give birth to and love these babies. It took major toll on my body and it still takes major toll on almost every aspect of my life. Being pregnant and unmarried while living in your parents house is a scary thing. On top of it, the complications of twin pregnancy were often reminding me of my choices. Fear and pain were constants in my pregnancy, healthy for the most part though it was.

The rewards make the extremity of the sacrifices worth everything. My children make the extreme choices I made eleven months ago worth all the pain I've gone through. I love them like I've never loved anything.

I realized that the person I was with is who I want to be forever, not because I believe in some magical destiny or fate, but because I believe that I am going to choose to love this person for the rest of our lives. It's a radical decision, choosing love.

My life became radical when I chose life for my children. My life became radical when I chose to be a parent to my children. My life became radical when I looked past my fear of commitment and hurt and betrayal and chose to love.

Next year? I want my word to be triumph.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Titular Survey

*Name the most terrifying moment of your life so far:
Before and during my c-section. I was so scared I was literally shaking. Hard. Not fun. Definitely the scariest moment of my life.

*If you could bring one character to life from your favorite book, who would it be?:
Either Sadad or Hotohori. If anyone (besides Glory) knows who these people are, you get a prize.

*Who would you most like to be stuck in an elevator with? Least like?:
-Like: Mike. ;) Or any of my girls.
-Least: My last boyfriend. It would be horrifying and awkward and I don't think I'd be able to stand talking to him for longer than 15 seconds before crying.

*List 5 people you know. Then describe each of them in 5 words:
- Hinna-sweet pink lexi future doctor
- Catherine-awkward funny animal loving friend
- Gwen-beastly basketball movie loving queen
- Boo- my sister from another mother
- Mike- you are the only exception

*What outfit or article of clothing do you like to see your spouse wearing the most?:
- I don't have one yet, but I'm working on it! A suit, probably. Anything black. I also like him bare-ass nekkid, but that's kind of what got us in trouble in the first place, ain't it? ;)

*What was the most recent movie that made you cry?:
- Haven't seen one recently, so when Denny Douquet died on Grey's Anatomy.

*If you could be any age again for one week, what age would you be?

*If you could cast any living actor to play you in a movie, who would it be?:
Eva Green as Vesper Lynn

*If you could have one superpower, which would you choose?:
I'd be Wolverine. I'd live forever with regenerative power and large steely claws.

*If you could choose where and how you were to die, what would you choose?:
I'm lame. Definitely of old age. Or amidst loud gunfire and the clashing of swords.

*If you knew when your last meal was going to be, what would you choose to eat for it?:
A MASSIVE salad from the olive garden. Seafood fettucini alfredo. Lots of sparkly red grape juice. Lots of bread and olive oil and spices. My grandma's homemade tortillas. A long island iced tea or two. And something with chocolate.

*If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose?:
- Firefly or Buffy. I'd be AWESOME in Firefly. I'd be dead in Buffy-world, or I'd want to be a Scooby. Or I'd be a Willow-love interest.

*If you joined the circus, what act would you most want to perform?:
Trapeze artist

*You see three teenagers making fun of a mentally handicapped man in the street. What do you do?:
Beat the hell out of them.

*What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?:
Reading. Candy. Music. My various underwater basketweaving classes. Michael.

*Imagine it's a dark night, you are alone, it's raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. Who do you call?:
My dad and Mike. The police. And then I grab my gun and the barstool.

*If you could wish for anything that would come true, what would you wish for?:
I'm going with money, because I have love. WORLD PEACE!!!

*If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
I'd have a massive orgy. Yea, that's right, I went there.
But in reality, I'd probably spend as much time as I could with my family, both individually and all together. And that last meal would be EPIC.

*What's the worst thing about being your gender?:
- That time of the month.Hahahah

*What is the strangest dream you've ever had?:
The one where I have a perfect date, surgery, go home and find out someone has just stabbed and killed me.

*Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a heart break or have never loved before?:
- True Love with heart break. But in reality, when you hand someone else your heart, like I'd hope you would do if you were truly loving someone, they will break it. One way or another.

*Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. What got you to that point?:
Lots and lots of stress tends to get me there.

*What is more difficult for you- looking into someone’s eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someone’s eyes when they are telling you how they feel?:

*If you were caught cheating, would you fess up?:
Probably. But if I were caught, why would I need to confess? I'd already be caught...

*Would you rather have ten kids, or none?:

*What do you do when you get nervous?:
I tend to run away. Or lash out. I had a friend that called me hellkitten for a reason.

*Be honest, do you like people in general?:
For the most part.

*Does anyone completely understand you?:
I think Mike and Boo do, on occasion.

Friday, November 26, 2010

If you know me, you'll know.....

That country music inspires me. And that nothing anyone says can make me stop listening to it. Can't shame me out of it.

That I could talk incessantly about the Dark Tower series by Stephen King for weeks on end. Actually, I could talk about the entire Stephen King mythos for months at a time. I've only met one other person who could match my enthusiasm for it, and that's my dad, but I'm pretty sure he still thinks I'm kind of weird for how much I like it. And I'm okay with that.

That while I'm desperately in love with the Joss Whedon world, I've developed an unhealthy obsession with Grey's Anatomy. I love nurses. Doctors aren't my favorite. So WHY?!?!?!? Someone tell me why?!?!?!?! Thanks a lot for the start of hospital drama and comedy, stupid stupid scrubs.

That my blue fingernail polish is freaking me out badly. I think I'll repaint them red soon, because my itty bitty tiny rebellious side is quickly receding back into the background.

That my twins are amazing beautiful boys. They also drive me crazy, cry too much, smell funky a bunch throughout the day, listen to Taylor Swift quietly, and I love them with a fiery power no explosion could match.

That that last statement made my mind go into pervert zone. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

That I enjoy Glee covers of songs more than the actual songs a lot.

That A Very Potter Musical is my favorite Youtube video series and that I consider its music wonderificus.

That "My 400-dollar-an-hour shrink says ... behind this rugged and confident exterior, I’m self destructive and self loathing to an almost pathological degree." I think this quote defines me about 50% of the time. Isn't that awful? It's true a lot of the time though. I'm not particularly proud of this, but it happens.

That my room is messy, horribly so.

That I am terminally afraid of horror movies.

That bagpipes and violins make my musical spirit soar.

That I want to be a nurse.

That I miss my (relatively) carefree days....and I feel incredibly guilty about that.

That I want to write more....and I'm going to try to. I promise.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Folsom Twin Blues

Today has been on and off cheerful and depressing. Not that anything in specific was depressing, but I just felt depressed for no apparent reason. Yuck yuck yuck. It was mildly horrific, as far as feelings go, but it was productive and while I hate the word productivity like I hate the word ‘potential’, which I do with a passion, I was glad to get some stuff done. The twins are a full month old and I can hardly believe it. They still look a little like preemies but my GOD, they are ridiculously strong. They continuously freak out me, Mike and my parents by yanking their heads forward and backwards all the time. They are just perfect and beautiful.

As a mom, I’ve learned that love is huge. Way bigger than I ever could have imagined. It’s amazing. As a new mom of twins, I’ve learned that I can survive on a level of tired that I didn’t even know existed. I can get up every three hours, change, diaper and feed two babies on little to no sleep. I discovered that I hate the NICU with a passion and I never ever ever want to spend time there again, so if anyone tries to touch my children until late January, I’ll most likely stab the hell out of them. I’ve learned that I need time to myself sometimes. I’ve learned that there is so much stuff to do that it’s really easy to get overwhelmed, so ask for help. A lot. I’ve learned that people are just DYING to hold my babies and I can’t let them and that makes me feel really really sad and guilty. I’ve learned that I won’t always get what I want and neither will everyone else. I’ve learned that it can be really hard to compromise and sometimes, you simply cannot, and that’s okay too. I’ve learned that taking turns while feeding the boys can keep people from going insane. I’ve learned that even if the present looks hard as hell, the future can look incredibly bright. And it does.

More coming.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

They call her love

While writing a real post....this is to keep myself company. It's beautiful and heart wrenching.

…You alone are the sources of my grief,
you alone can grant the grace of consolation.
You alone have the power to make me sad,
to make me happy or to console me…
And the greater irony is that my love
then turned to such insanity
that the one thing it desired above all else
was the one thing it put irrevocably beyond its reach
in that one instant when, at your command,
I changed my habit along with my heart
to show that my body along with my heart
belonged only to you.

I never wanted anything in you
but you alone,
nothing of what you have
but you yourself,
never a marriage, never a dowry,
never any pleasure, any purpose of my own—
as you well know—
but only yours.
~Heloise, in her letter to Peter Abelard

Monday, September 27, 2010

Megan is.....

The proud new mommy of identical twin boys, Daniel and Luke.

More to follow.

Because there is a large story that goes with this,

Thursday, September 9, 2010

To A Stranger

Dear Stranger,
There were 2 of you yesterday. One was an excellent, attentive friendly nurse. Another came off that way, but then appeared to run screaming in the opposite direction for forty minutes while I was vomiting. It’s a good thing my mom and fiancé were there because I would’ve been by myself, covered in vomit, unable to sit up , clean up or take a shower for at the very least forty minutes. That’s kind of a scary thought because I couldn’t even move without shaking or feeling like I was going to fall over so I would have been stuck. I realize you have other patients to care for, but I was stuck. Literally. And when you came back forty minutes later, your nails were a different color. You looked shocked that I noticed it, even with me so ridiculously hyped up on Demerol. You wouldn’t write down your name and number and acted very put out when my mom did. Your supervisor wouldn’t get new bed linens or give us the code to GET new bed linens so when I was finished showering (once again, while you weren’t there, my mom literally held me up), I was stuck sitting in a bathroom full of vomit covered linens, and I couldn’t get up by myself and I could barely sit up. This isn’t to be mean or anything, it’s just to say that it was kind of scary, especially to a person who has never been in a hospital before. It was lonely and while I was very glad my mom and fiancé were there, it would’ve been nice to be able to count on the person that I was supposed to be able to. Thank God my mom’s a nurse, otherwise that might’ve ruined the whole nursing thing for me.

Nurse number one, though? Practically perfect in every way. 


Sunday, September 5, 2010

Oh, half of my heart.

Oh dear, I probably shouldn’t be watching more True Blood. It’s bad for me but it’s soooo delicious. Seasons two and three, you have been SOO good to me with Lafayette’s character development. Take a look at this quote

“"'Scuse me. Who ordered the hamburger... with AIDS? In this restaurant, a hamburger deluxe comes with french fries, lettuce, tomato, mayo, and AIDS! Do anyone got a problem wit dat? Aw baby, it's too late for that. Faggots been breeding your cows, raisin' your chickens, even brewin' your beer long before I walked my sexy ass up in this motherfucker. Everything on your God damn table got aids. Well all you gots to do is say hold the aids here. Eat it! Bitch, you come into my house ,you gonna eat the food THE WAY I FUCKIN' MAKE IT! Do you understand me? Tip your waitress."”

That was season one. It only gets better.

"Don't get it twisted hunny, I'm a survivor first, a capitalist second, and a whooole bunch-a otha' shit after that, but a hooka' dead last, so if I got even a Jew at an Al Qaeda pep rally shot at gettin' my black-ass outta this mutha' fucka', I'm takin' it; Now whatch' you wanna know?"

Sookie: "He's your maker, isn't he?"
Eric: "Don't use words you don't understand."
Sookie: "You have a lot of love for him."
Eric: "Don't use words I don't understand."

"Did you know your boyfriend hit me over the head with a 52 inch plasma television earlier tonight? Everyone says they're so thin and light, but let me tell you, when wielded properly, they're quite a weapon."

"Now Jesus and I agree to see other people that doesn't mean we don't still talk from time to time."

I’m not kidding, it’s just delicious. Sweet and sassy and southern as apple pie with a healthy dose of witchcraft, vampirism, Catholicism, sex and enough swearing to make a sailor blush. Not me, though, because I can singlehandedly bring a sailor to his knees. With my swearing, you perv!

In other news, I am officially the size of someone with a full term baby. With TWO more months to go. I’ve been reading a blog about a woman with triplets and I’m sitting here going “holy shit, how is my tummy going to expand THAT much more in the next two months???” With that said, I’d also like to say how blessed I am feeling, having gone this far with absolutely no problems, besides random agonizing joint pain and whatnot. And the doctors say I’m doing well. Which is great. Also, I’m weighing in at 171 which is RIDICULOUS. I was walking up the stairs today and trying to figure out why the hell everything hurt so much when WHAM! It hit me. I’m basically carrying around a huge fucking bag of dog food everywhere. No kidding, everything is hurting. *facepalm* I’m not proud at how often this fact surprises the hell out of me.

On a less positive note, I am so SO over this pregnant with twins thing. I have to pee every twenty minutes, my hips are KILLING me, my two boys like to shove my ribcage and headbang my vagina, I’ve developed strange cravings for tuna fish po boys with cheese, mayo and pickles from Antone’s (if you knew me, you’d know how completely creepy THAT request has been to my family), leaky boobs, ridiculously swollen feet and constantly being dehydrated. Not that anyone needs to know this but GOODBYE sex drive. Wow, even I get that was an overshare. HI DAD! Grrr, this makes me so angry. I am the quintessential hungry hungry hippo. Not cool. Beating the shit out of someone sounds delicious.

Mike proposed. I’m sure y’all figured that out by now, what with the crush/fiancé letter, but he did! And it still kind of blows my mind, looking at this ring. Which is now hanging around my fucking NECK because my hands are swelling. That fact all by itself makes me want to cry hysterically. The swollen feet thing I can sort of handle….but not wearing my shiny engagement ring? What the fucking fuck? At least Mike gets it, so I don’t feel guilty about not wearing it, but I’m kind of frustrated anyway. And at this point, I mean in tears frustrated, not baseball bat frustrated. Although my body does make me feel baseball bat frustrated. So do my ankles. I promise to rave and rant about the proposal and the ring sometime soon, at a time when I’m not feeling so depressed. Soon soon soon.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Day Five- To my Dreams

Dear Dreams,
Um, can we please please PLEASE get cheaper? I can’t afford you, fucking dreams! Well, I can, if I get an Associate’s Degree in nursing at a community college. But I’m not sure I can afford being a wife and a mommy AND get a degree in nursing. So if all y’all could say a prayer to whatever god you believe in to keep Megan strong in her dreams, she’d really appreciate it. It’s hard feeling like my dreams don’t matter any more. And they should. So stay alive, dreams. You are what I hold on to when life gets rough.


Day Four- To My brother

Dear Little brother,
I love you. And I can’t WAIT until you get old enough. Welcome to years and years of therapy.
That’s what I’m doing,


Monday, August 30, 2010

Day Three- To My Parents

Dear Parents,

A new era has arrived, kind of. I am the daughter and the soon to be mother and for the first time, I see us turning into friends. Adult-y friend. That is, by far, the best present I could ever hope for while being in this house. I love that I can ask you for help or talk to you about whatever pops into my mind and not feel embarrassed, or even when I DO feel embarrassed, to get past it, because it has led to some amazing conversations.

Mom, you show me what a good mother-daughter relationship looks like. It involves fights, good books, the occasional movie, tears, dates, talks about boys, hand holding, cuddling, laughing hysterically, therapy, church and respect. Parental perfection is NOT included, but no one cares, because it’s too much fun anyway. I love that I can walk into your office and you make time for me. I love that you support my relationship with my fiancé even when it’s hard to and you always give me the mommy perspective that I need. You have taught me how to cook (I swear, I know more than just noodles) and you share your clothes with me now that I’m all pregnant and whatnot. You don’t make fun of my fat feet and you held my hand during my first ultrasound. I laugh like crazy when I’m around you. I love sharing my favorite books with you because I know you’ll enjoy them as much as I have. You taught me how to slice a mango the right way, how to make the best chamomile tea and that curly hair is ALWAYS better then straight hair. You gave me your tool box. I didn’t inherit your organizational skills, but you help me out with them anyway. I always remember that if your around, my situation become 100% less stressful. I learned to love my body from you. I learned to use contacts instead of glasses from you. I learned to play nice with my little brother from you and I guarantee that the first time I ‘mama bear’ at someone, I’ll have learned it from you.

Dad, you taught me how to sing. My funniest memory of us is me putting my hand over your mouth. I had so much fun driving to school with you my junior and senior year. We’ve had fun exchanging music and Stephen King books. I love how we have a mutual affection for Constantine and Hellboy. Thanks for permanently spawning a lifelong hatred of talk radio in my early years and for teaching me to research and read about politics, not just settle for what the general media tells me. I can’t wait to see you rock my boys to sleep and I can’t wait to go and get my CHL with you when I turn 21. I love how you converted to Catholicism and how that makes you a stronger Catholic. I love how we can get together and bitch and feel better because of it. I love how you gave me my sense of humor, albeit a somewhat morbid one and my ability to defend myself and my love of a good creepy novel.

I love you

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Day Two- To a Crush

Dear Crush (now fiancé),
Wow. It’s been over a year and my ability to write a warm fuzzy note to you is still sub-par. I find expressing my feelings to you in any way difficult because they are such a myriad of intense emotion. And if that statement wasn’t ridiculously gay, I don’t know what is.

You are my closest friend and the person I trust most in the world. You bring out the best in me (regardless of how I claim the opposite) and I cannot WAIT to see you become a dad on top of the man I see you becoming each day. You can always make me smile and laugh and that is the best gift you could ever give me. I love that we never run out of things to talk about and I love how I can be completely pissed off at you and you still make me laugh and smile even as I’m shrieking. I love how you always are there for me, even when I’m trying to shove you away. I don’t have to pretend when I’m around you. I love how we don’t get along 100 % and that’s okay. I even find your inability to eat tuna endearing. I love how you proposed to me at church (dream come true) and how you get me to accept help and even try new things once in a while. I also like how you DON’T try to make me eat new things when we’re at Olive Garden. Some classics just shouldn’t be messed with. I love how I can talk to you about everything and how you can make me laugh even during my ridiculously awkward moments. I miss my week and a half with you.
I am so excited for our future together because when I’m with you, I see it as a bright one. One that I will love and enjoy and can’t wait to get started on. 2 MORE MONTHS!

I love you

Day One- To a best friend

Dear Best Friend,

I think you are the first real true friend I had in high school. It’s easy to like people, but it’s harder to follow through on a daily basis, and I can’t believe that I’ve only known you for 3 years! It feels like we’ve known each other for ages. Thanks for putting up with CrazyLoveSickMegan and HyperCocaColaMegan and ANGRYMEGAN and InLoveMegan and finally, PregnantMegan (aka Godzilla). My best memory from high school is psychology class. Because nothing makes a horribly boring class fun like a can of coke, a purple notebook that we TOTALLY would have been expelled for if anyone could actually read what we wrote and pretzels. And hot cheetoes. You shared your love of huge colorful earrings with me and I shared my violent tendencies with you. You have helped me systematically eliminate the psycho exes that I seem to acquire with awkward regularity. We sat in chapel and laughed at the most inappropriate times and made awkward turtles and threatened each others boyfriends constantly. If I ever go bungee jumping (which will be never in a million fucking years), I want you holding my hand and screaming with me on the way down.

I have been proven right that COUNTRY MUSIC ROCKS. Ha. I went home the day I found out you listened to country music and screamed my brains out, I was so happy. You don’t judge me, even through you have every right to and I get angry for you when you can’t say how angry you really feel. I love how we can sit and rave in total agreement about everything. I love how we both have crazy families and how we always ALWAYS call our moms to tell them we are okay. You have no idea how much less lonely I feel, now that I know I’m not the only girl who does that. I love how every picture we take involves us either making model faces or our tongues out in some way. I can’t WAIT to turn 21 with you and celebrate like crazy. I know you will be the best godmother/aunt that my boys will ever have.

We are the perfect pair, and I consider you the sister I never had (which is probably best for both our mothers’ sanities). It PISSES ME OFF that you go to college so far away and that I don’t get to see you every day like I should, but I love you whether you are 9 hours away or right next to me. We’ve been through some insane stuff together and I feel so blessed that we took the time to get to know each other because I doubt I could’ve made it through all the craziness that is love and pain and high school without you. I love love love you and you are my bestest friend. I miss you like crazy already and I can’t wait for you to get home.

Friday, August 27, 2010

30 Day Challenge, starting today

Day 1- Your best friend

Day 2- Your crush

Day 3- Your parents

Day 4- Your sibling (or closest relative)

Day 5- Your dreams

Day 6- A stranger

Day 7- Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

Day 8- Your favorite internet friend

Day 9- Someone you wish you could meet

Day 10- Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to

Day 11- A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Day 12- The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain

Day 13- Someone you wish could forgive you

Day 14- Someone you've drifted away from

Day 15- The person you miss the most

Day 16- Someone that's not in your state/country

Day 17- Someone from your childhood

Day 18- The person that you wish you could be

Day 19- Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad

Day 20- The one that broke your heart the hardest

Day 21- Someone you judged by their first impression

Day 22- Someone you want to give a second chance to

Day 23- The last person you kissed

Day 24- The person that gave you your favorite memory

Day 25- The person you know that is going through the worst of times

Day 26- The last person you made a pinky promise to

Day 27- The friendliest person you knew for only one day

Day 28- Someone that changed your life

Day 29- The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to

Day 30- Your reflection in the mirror

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Just Some Good Ole Boys

Hello again! This post is going to be a tribute to some of my friends, the few of them who make me laugh hysterically when I think about the times we’ve had. I know it sounds incredibly dorky, but I miss them like all hell and I’m glad we had the chance to get to know each other.

So, starting out, I’d like to thank Big Tony, for making yearbook memorable. Granted, there was at least one other person in yearbook with me who made it ‘memorable’ but Tony and I literally cornered the market on anger. Our little slice of the table could have been known as “the place of repressed rage.” Except, we didn’t repress it very well. Or at least I didn’t. We terrorized any staff member who wasn’t our age and laughed our asses off whenever we could. He gave me rides whenever I needed one and my little brother thought he was the most amazing guy ever. He still needs to come over and meet my cat, we still need to go play pool and he literally made my senior year funnier, lighter and easier to bear. He believes in my ability to kick ass and he helps me remember that a good ole boy beats out any tree hugging, vegetarian, lily-livered, anti-gun nut. Regardless of how awesome they think their hybrid is. I spent almost an hour waiting for the damn Scottish Festival to start so I could listen to him play drums. I think I permanently disturbed him by telling him I was pregnant with twins. When he went to New York for yearbook, in between being intoxicated and partying in the hotel room (because, yeah, that teacher was a great chaperone….no wonder my parents didn’t want me to go), he lit a candle and picked out a rosary for me from St. Patricks’ Cathedral. What I miss most about him is his cat, the way he lets me sing into the Xbox live to distract everyone while we play Halo, my final Scottish festival, in which I got a hug RIGHT before his first number, a ridiculous shit-eating grin during the King of Laios dance and mostly our conversations in yearbook, which involved a whole lot of swearing, a few times I was in tears and trying to get yearbook work done. Which always got done somehow, even with the massive heaps of distraction we visited upon ourselves. I can always count on him for a beer drinking, burger eating good time. This translates into, please come back from godforsaken Europe so we can have more before I can’t get out of bed or drive myself to your house. Or before I become a terrible hostess because I’ll be mommy to TWO boys.

Next, my thanks go to a guy named Abhiram. Apart from him literally being the smartest guy I know, he is a pilot (I know, right? COME ON LADEEEEZ!) and a master debater and has the easiest laugh. It’s quite attractive (LADEEEEZ). I remember long and irritating conversations about God and the nature of religion during lunchtime my junior year, as well as coming up and shrieking about whatever the latest news was near our various lockers. He definitely defines the A Very Potter Musical description of Snape “the kindest, gentlest, bravest SEXIEST man I’ve ever met.” Now that I’ve completely made a fool of myself by saying that, please take that particular description with a grain of salt. And go watch AVPM, as it’s pretty much the only way you’ll be able to understand that quote. But in any case, he brings out the intellectual in me, as well as a great deal of affection and nonverbal communication. I also remember him walking around in a hoodie 24/7 for NO apparent reason. Maybe he didn’t like his curly hair? In any case, his mom taught me a lot about acceptance and love, and she continues to, even now. I look forward to reading his name in the newspapers very very soon, but for now, I’ll settle with being excited to see him on Saturday.

Another short post. Damn it damn it damn it.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Sometimes, Awesome Sauce

The new song by Daughtry called September is just awesome. I love Daughtry, mostly cause I can actually listen to the music with my little brother, who really REALLY likes Nickelback but it's pretty hard finding songs that are age-appropriate for him. And as much as I would like (and find it fairly hysterical) that he sings Taylor Swift as well as I can, I'd hate for our resident almost eleven year old to lose a man card over something like that. On occasion, I try to be nice instead of laughing hysterically at other people's misfortunes. And yes, I am being sarcastic. Kind of.

A Very Potter Sequel is now on youtube. It is the sequel to A Very Potter Musical and is, by definition, “totally awesome” but not as flowy as the first one. That’s tragic, really, because they are both damn funny, but the sequel is somewhat choppy and has the sad lack of a Voldemort who is gay and tap dances and says things like “BRING ME SOME NASONEX, YOU SWINE!” They did, however, manage to bring in some sweet elements to the sequel, some moments that made you go ‘aww’ and want to give certain characters *coughSNAPEcough* a hug. Umbridge the she-male gave me the creeps, but she would have made an AWESOME drill instructor. Draco is his normal, hysterical rolling self. Cho Chang is still a Texas sized slutbag. Harry Potter calls himself a douchebag, which was definitely a highlight, Lucius Malfoy stole the show and the whole thing makes me want to give up on Netflix and go watch the first one again. And then the second one again. It is that good.

I have a large book bag of books to read. I started one called the Bitch Posse and it promises to be EXACTLY as depressing as the title sounds. Lots of sex and violence. I also have The Devil In The White City and a Warhammer 40k novel and a book by Tamora Pierce called Trickster’s Choice, which I’ve already read, but it was too damn good, so now I have to read it again.

I recently read Inna May’s Guide to Childbirth and several pictures later , I was vastly disturbed. No woman REALLY smiles when she’s in labor. Right? Right?! Lots of 70’s nudity of the female variety, which I was NOT all that impressed with (ahhh the vast bushels of pubic hair), but some really interesting stories. Definitely cemented my belief that an attitude and a change in environment can truly be effective in labor and delivery. I just think it’s a lot easier to panic and because of panicking, to tense up, which definitely does not ease the labor, when you perceive that you are in a place that is cold and clinical and not warm and welcoming. Just in case you were wondering what was currently on my mind.

What’s also on my mind is what an excellent show Veronica Mars is. I’m such a nerd, but I looove it! Nice and gritty and angry show. Excellent. Much better than Dexter, which was good, but sadly gave me nightmares, really really intense ones, after only two episodes. I will definitely be sticking with Veronica. Lovely. And exceptionally sarcastic. She has a voice in her head that is almost as angry and sarcastic as me. Gives me warm fuzzies like you wouldn’t believe.

Ooooo I got 12 books for 99 cents each at Goodwill today. Made of awesome sauce. Which definitely begs the question, what exactly is awesome sauce made of?

More Later

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

One Year Anniversary

“I will show you a love potion without drug or herb, or any witch's spell; if you wish to be loved, love” ~ Hecato

Hecato was a Stoic philosopher from around 100 BC. I love this quote.

This is the one year anniversary of Mike and I. I’m not sure how grammatically accurate that last sentence is, but that’s how I would describe it. I’ve never actually lasted a full year with someone. I either broke up with the same person every six months or so, or we only lasted around three months, so to date someone a full year is completely beyond anything I’ve ever done. It blows my mind that I’m allowed to be happy for so long or that it could continue.

So, a recap. Memories that make me smile and remember….

• Our first kiss. Both of them. Which happened to be at church. “Magical”, as made fun of by both of us. Me being very impatient. “Can I kiss you?”
• The first time I went to Renfest with him, dressed as a golden princess. “DO YOU WANNA BUY A PICKLE???”
• The second time we went to Renfest, laughing as my dad got TOTALLY decked out in pirate wear, taking a sip of strawberry daiquiri and ending up all sleepy in the grass (me, not him)
• And the last time we went to Renfest, which was cold and rainy and amazing and awesome.
• Later that night, being angry and hysterical, and knowing that it wasn’t the end and that I could count on you, regardless of circumstance.
• First date. Which is a toss up between ice skating and Baker Street Pub. It always gets me how easily we stepped back into dating, into trust and ease and friendship, because I always thought I’d never be able to do that with you. That was at Baker Street. The ice skating thing was funny, because I started off that date angry at a mutual friend and finished it at like eleven? Twelve? With the longest hug I’d ever had from a guy who I barely knew. And then barely sleeping that night because my friend and I were up all night texting you and analyzing what your texts meant. I’m not proud of this. I also think you witnessed the loudest scream ever, provided by my friend Catherine during I am Legend.
• Glaring at Slusser that particular mass. It was a funny and awkward re-start.
• You remembering that getting into college meant a huge deal to me. And being excited for me.
• First beach trip and you coming with us and our photos of incriminating evidence.
• Halloween and a very sexy gangster suit.
• Levitating this week. It was amazing, apparently.
• Kisses on New Years.
• When we found out about the twins. And a semi-terrifying Olive Garden lunch.
• The first day of New years.
• All the “Maridell weekends”.
• Watching the Guild and laughing hysterically. However, I do not currently, nor will I ever want to date your Avatar, even if they are a star, got it?
• Any time I’ve ever wanted to kill you for calling me Meggy-poo.
• When you gave me Communion while I was in choir and I turned bright red.
• Whenever I call you “Plant” and people look at me like I’m crazy for calling you that.
• All of our moments of intense perversity. Even if you do like to blame them all on me.
• The ongoing quest of “what will I DO with my life?” Which helped jump start the whole talking on facebook thing.
• All of our naps are awesome.
• Going paintballing for your party, finally. Which was awesome and amazing and very very muddy.
• August 4th, and the first time you said “I love you.” And for hanging around for the rest of that day.
• Any time I freak out for a while over some event and then end up having an awesome time, mostly on account of you calming me down and making sure I don’t set the place on fire.
• Any time we’ve ever laid down next to each other and just talked.
• Any time you’ve had to force me to say something, because you could tell just thinking about it was bothering the hell out of me.
• Dancing in my kitchen that first time.
• The vanguard.
• That awkward time I first met you with Sheffield. And that awkward time I talked to you with Slusser at mass.
• Being my best friend during the easy times and the hard times. Even the ones that included my crying on the phone and in person, and when I’ve been angry at you.
• Being the calmer one when we argue and not being afraid of me, or afraid to tell me to shut up.
• For listening to me, even when I’m fucking crazy. Which is almost all the time.
• For being honest with me, even with the hard stuff.
• Optimus Prime and Aragorn. ‘nuff said.
• “The laundry is evil”
• The whole of last week.

• I love you and being together is amazing-the good and the bad, the hard and the easy.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

What I've Learned So Far

I am terrible at waiting for anything. Especially phone calls for jobs. Those could made me even crazier than I’ve ever been.

The sound of a fiddle, violin and bagpipes can still make me tear up.

Standing in the pouring rain is like going to confession. I feel cold and wet and clean at the end of both. Better than a two hour shower. And my hair smells like rain for hours after.

I miss my animals like crazy. Especially my cat. I want kitten kisses, dammit!

I still sing in the shower. Loudly. And my range is getting back to normal. I need to start swimming more regularly or singing more regularly. Something to improve my breathing.

Ground beef and potatoes are the still the best damn comfort food ever. Ravioli takes a close second, which I never would have guessed in a million years, but OH MY GOD it is amazing. It comes with spicy sausage and freaking LOBSTER and mushrooms and it’s crazy that something can taste that good and be legal. Seriously.

I can still write, even without my infamous red journal. And my “sexy” pen. God, that is the stupidest phrase ever, but it sticks. It was one of the first that ever stuck in my head.

I can only make people laugh when they want to laugh. If they insist on a stoic silence, there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. And that isn’t my fault. My ability to laugh easily simply does not affect some people. And that’s okay. I can still make people smile, and do on a daily basis.

Even when you love a person, they can still irritate the fuck out of you if you see them on a daily basis. Which actually explains why my parents, my brother and I clash. So, I’ve got to remember this when I go back to my house. And be more forgiving. And also while I’m at this house. To be less touchy and more forgiving.

I still find helping people an honorable career. I would rather drop dead than do some jobs, but I still think it’s cool that people can work in banks or anywhere they need to. It’s hard being picking in this economy. But what the hell, helping people, being a servant doesn’t go out of style. Ever.

Julia Child was a beast. End of story.

If you can gross out your best guy friend with two words, be proud. It’s been four years and I have learned well.

Anastasia still has a badass soundtrack. It never gets old and that’s just kind of mind blowing.

A friend is NOT a friend when all he does is want what’s best for him. He’s a jackass. And that’s okay, if you want to put up with it, but it’s up to you to deal. So you can either choose to deal or you can kill it.

Alone time with my mom is a precious gift. But not one I should beat up my brother for, probably. But seriously, that fifteen minutes that we get where we are on the phone or just hanging out a little bit, especially this day-date I’m going on with her tomorrow and we make each other laugh are what keeps me going in the midst of intense stress. And I feel so blessed that we have that. It’s special and taking it for granted would be such a mistake.

Also, always knock before going to the restroom.

Monday, July 5, 2010

And day 3.....

There is something disconcerting about being able to watch your belly move of its own accord. It may seem like a great and wondrous miracle to all those around you, but to me, it just feels off. That’s not to say I’m a mean and horrible person who doesn’t appreciate the miracle of human life, but rather that I’m a scared young mother who has seen way too many science fiction-y movies and read way too many books and would rather her tummy move only when she wants it to. Which will probably characterize a lot of her motherhood….DO WHAT I TELL YOU, NOT WHAT YOU WANT!

I’m tired. And I hurt. A lot. Which is a part of pregnancy, sure, and even more a part when you are having multiples but I’m tired of my rib cage and my back hurting. It makes it hard to sleep and hard to stay awake and it just isn’t the fun part of pregnancy. I’m not really even sure that there IS a fun part of pregnancy, because all I can think of that might fit into that category is my mass consumption of flaming hot cheetoes and coca-cola. But the other stuff isn’t bad. It’s just kind of ouch. And by kind of, I mean a lot. And then when I do something stupid, like get a massive sunburn on my back, I can’t sleep on my front. Um, wow, that was NOT smart. Lack of sunscreen is not a positive thing. It turns your back bright red and makes it impossible to sleep. Or put on aloe vera by yourself, which makes me feel like a complete wuss.

I think, sometimes, that I’d do better as a solitary person. I love people, don’t get me wrong, but these days, I just don’t feel connected to anyone. I get angry a lot over things that should be buried in the past and that isn’t fair to whomever I am projecting it at. I’m still at my boyfriend’s house and I miss my family. Which is weird, because I get frustrated and angry with them and they invade my personal space but they are my family and I miss them. I hate not being able to be around them on a daily basis.

I’m back to watching Grey’s Anatomy. Again. I’m not proud but it is horribly addictive and…you know what? People like me shouldn’t be allowed to watch shows like that. They never end and then you end up addicted for the rest of your life to a show that’s actually excellent but is something you can’t watch all the time. Why do they make shows like this??? They destroy my sanity.

I haven’t waited by the phone in years. I stopped doing that when I stopped dating random guys who had no real investment in my life. I hate waiting by the phone. Nothing makes me feel more like a waste of God-given space. So why is it, that even though I know I’ve gotten this damn job, I’m still waiting by the damn phone to see if I’ll be working this week. I need to work. I need money. I need to stop feeling so damn lazy and just go to fucking work. May I please please please go to work now?

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Day One

Day 1 of living outside my house. It’s kind of disconcerting, really. I went to go visit my house and my family and I felt just exactly like that, a visitor. It’s hard to feel accountable to anyone at this point. I’m thankful to my boyfriend and his parents for letting me come stay at their house.

I now feel homeless. Now THAT’S a fun feeling. Pardon me, gentle readers, for sounding like an emo little girl today. Bear with me for a few more lines and I promise to be back to my normal sarcastic perky self. But it’s been raining for almost 3 days, I can’t go home for at least a week, maybe two weeks and I’m all super sad and whatnot. And pregnant, so I have an excuse to be all snarky and whatnot, but I don’t like it. I’m going to a party tonight so please, Lord, help me be a nice and friendly person tonight. Help me be a channel of Your peace.

On a lighter note, I ACED a job interview. Kicked its ass. Now please, please please call me back! It was fun though, I love interviews. I think I’m supposed to be afraid of interviews, but I find them fun and kind of challenging. I’m dying to go to work there. I’m dying to WORK. Period. Want off bed and into work.

More to come.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Late Father's Day part 1

Dear new father,

It’s the second day after Father’s day and I still find myself in the awkward position of having no words for this Father’s day post/letter/blog thing. I’m not appreciating the writer’s block at all, because normally these things come quickly and naturally to me. I’ve been writing to the people I’ve loved for years and years. Why is it so hard to with you? I honestly don’t know. I get all tongue-tied, as far as writing to you goes and that’s just ridiculous, because as you know, I never ever have problems talking to you face to face. Ever.

So…what to say? I’m glad I know you. I’m glad I’ve never killed you, even when I’ve had the overwhelming urge to. I think it’s a little awkward that the only reason I first met you was because I was hitting on your friend, but it makes a funny story. Not really cute, but funny. You make me smile, even when I’m pissed as hell at you. You make me think and discover new things about myself, even when I resist with ALL my strength. You continue to try to expose me to horrific music that I have absolutely no interest in and you put up with my music with minimal complaints. You try to make me have a clean room. You can out-logic me at any point during the day (a fact that makes me crazy) but you still know when to keep your mouth shut.

Your friends described you as the most honorable. In this day and age, that’s a rare description, and quite honestly, it’s the first thing that convinced me I liked you. Besides the facial hair. You show me what real forgiveness looks like. You’ve only made me cry a lot. You dance with me. You keep my freaking out over almost everything to a minimal level. I really do like that you make me try new things, even when I’m resisting. You listen when I talk even when I don’t want you to. You make me talk about the hard stuff, the embarrassing stuff and the stuff that makes me want to curl up in a little ball and die. And surprisingly, I am getting better at it. Sort of.

I suppose, to be continued,


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Too Damn Long

It's been too long and I'm sorry for anyone who bothers following me. Long days and pleasant nights to each and every one of you, even the ones who aren't reading what I write.

It's been a crazy few months. I am 4 1/2 months pregnant with identical twin boys. I would be worried about the future of my sanity, but as my friends love to remind me, I lost it years ago! In any case, I could write about the trials and tribulations of the last few months but...then my therapist would be out of a job, and that would be exceptionally problematic for us both.

I love the movie Sweet Home Alabama. As far as feel good movies go, it's an excellent one, but I love how real it feels.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Letters to Y'all

Dear ones,

I don’t even know your names yet. Forgive me for not always addressing this letter as a plural; it’s still hard to think of y’all as a twosome even though I’ve seen y’all in the pictures. It’s not so hard to believe I’m pregnant these days, because I’m sick all the time and my body is changing in a bunch of different ways, and I’m even more hormonal, which according to some people is darn near impossible to be. However, I’m sure you’ll see it all at some point, if your daddy and I decide to have more children. Be afraid, be very afraid!
In any case, I’m writing to you because I’m sure at some point you’ll want to know how I was feeling at 13-14 months. Well, you probably won’t care, but I will. And I want to remember how I felt, the good and the bad. And the scary, ‘cause there’s some of that. It’s April 2010. Currently, my cat (which is actually the family cat) likes to sit on my stomach and purr, which makes your dad mad. He has called it stepping on the children and appears to take great offense at it. I personally think he knows you are in there and is saying hello and expressing his love for you! Since apparently EVERYONE is going to want to touch my stomach when it gets bigger, why can’t I let the animal, who I actually like, touch my stomach? Riddle me that!
We have a baby four month old Rottweiler who thinks she’s the queen of the house. She’s very sweet and friendly, and we (meaning my brother, my mom, my dad and me) are trying very hard to train her before y’all get here. I’m eighteen (young, huh?) and it’s pretty scary being pregnant, but I’m blessed with a supportive family and supportive boyfriend (y’all’s daddy) and his family. I laugh a lot and I get really angry a lot but I rarely cry these days, which is frustrating, because there are a lot of times where I think I should just sit down and cry. It would get rid of a lot of pent up aggression and whatnot. I’ve never done drugs and I don’t like alcohol. I love all music, except your dad’s favorite thing to listen to, which is a strange parody band that should probably be wiped off the face of the earth. But I’m not biased. AT ALL. Personally, I like country, alternative rock and hip-hop. And the musical music. Some indie, which is a genre that doesn’t quite make sense to me. Anything I can dance to gets a pass, as well. I like classical if I’m playing it on the piano or guitar. But I was raised on country, including some of the more ridiculously good and I will do my best to help you love my music as well as cultivate an interest in what you like. You’d be amazed at some of the crap people listen to these days, though.
I lose everything. I try to love everyone, even the people that I dislike for no apparent reason. I like silver and don’t like gold. I love driving with the windows down and the music cranked up. I love candy, especially nerds. I love to read and I love the whole “vampire” concept, even though you will be WAY too young for a really long time and probably the whole thing will be out of style by the time you are old enough to understand. I wasn’t very popular in high school, but I had a close group of girl friends, who will be your “aunties” or whatever the hell they want to be called. I promise to try as hard as I can not to embarrass you. I apologize in advance for the hairiness (points at your dad). I apologize in advance for overanalyzing everything, which I am bound to do, if I become a therapist.

I love you both, with all my heart. As terrified as I am of being a mom, I also can’t wait for you to get here!
Until I write next, (tomorrow)
I love you
Your Mom

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Good glord....

So….I’ve discovered that Lindt chocolate is the best chocolate on the face of the planet. Really. I just had a hazelnut flavored milk chocolate carrot (it was a shape, not a vegetable) and GOOD GOD, it was amazing. There is now a solid milk chocolate bunny frozen in my freezer and it is so very hard not to devour it. However, chocolate has this amazing effect on me in that it is a depressant. Yea, I know, I hate my life too. But, if I eat it with something, the effects are somewhat less harsh.

After adopting a four month old Rottweiler, my life has somewhat departed from the normal realms of sanity. Not that a 19 year old having twins is in any way SANE but let’s all take a second and remember my cat. Who hates the dog. Sort of. In a “Stop chasing me, you crazy bitch” way. My puppys name is Grace and she is ridiculously large and playful. And inside the house, which leads to all sorts of shenanigans. And not graceful ones. She is very sweet though, and that makes up for all the crazies. The cute and the fun factor is high. Especially when she starts licking my ankles. By the size of her paws, she is going to be humongous! And I can’t wait. Has anyone read that book Good Dog Carl? If not, go acquire it. It is a sweet picture book that everyone needs to read.

You know the critic from Ratatoille? I think I should be him when I grow up. Angry and scary and skinny and a food lover. If I can’t cook, I’ll critique and piss people off. It sounds like an entertaining job. MWAHAHAHA. That guy sounds JUST like Frollo from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Sexy voice, creepy ass man. By that I mean Frollo.

Boyd: We're pimps and killers, but in a philanthropic way.

Echo: You think we're gods?
Alpha: We're not just humans anymore. We're not multiple personalities. We're many personalities. Uh... one of my personalities happens to be a multiple personality, but that doesn't make me a multiple personality. I'm looking for a little nuance here.
Echo: We're not gods.
Alpha: Fine, Übermensch. Nietzsche predicted our rise. Perfected. Objective. Something new.
Echo: Right. New, superior people. With a little German thrown in. What could possibly go wrong?

My new favorite show is Kitchen Nightmares. I think it’s just disturbing enough for me not to go completely insane. Gordon Ramsay’s smart mouth makes me very happy and I like watching the transformations. Some are easier than others, but in the end, so far, they all work out. This satisfies my intense need for a happy ending. Plus, Gordon Ramsay is hot. And apparently forty. God, this is like my Viggo Mortenson crush all over again.

Monday, April 12, 2010


My body is changing and this disturbs me greatly. My tummy hasn’t gotten humongous or anything, it’s simply that whenever I look down, things look different. Radically, to me, in any case. I doubt very much that anyone who doesn’t know me exceptionally well should be able to tell.

It is somewhat scary though. The biggest changes my body has gone through are horrific growing pains in elementary school and my boobs popping out freshman year. Both of those were painful and horrifying in my young mind, so I’m having a hard time keeping a positive state of mind at this point. Positivity has never been my strong suite in any case. Maybe for other people but not for me. Hooray for sweats!

My list of things to worry about gets longer and longer and longer. I know I’ll probably be living in my current house for at least the next two years and don’t get me wrong, I’m so happy that its even an option, but it’s still a long and frusterating roud. One that I chose, but difficult nevertheless.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Random rantings

My kitten is spying on the neighbors. Or perhaps he's getting a tan. In any case, he's lying in the windowsill, looking pleased as punch to be so warm and happy. I can't believe that just a few hours ago, sunlight hurt my eyes, and I couldn't even eat one of my fudge brownies without feeling ridiculously ill. I feel so blessed right now, especially after the last few days and weeks of feeling so horrific. Nothing was pleasureable or funny and everything seemed so frusterating, even reading one of my beloved books. I feel normal, which equates wonderful in my book, so my urge to go out and play outside is just overwhelming. I'm excited to go to work because I am dying to go and play or laugh or sing or whatever. I'm so thankful for a boss who loves country music as much as I do.

“I never trusted a man who never smoked or drank.” – Abraham Lincoln.

“Fighting should always be the last resort. But sometimes you just have to punch a guy in the nose.” – Unknown.

"A woman likes a man who breaks the rules once in a while. After all, isn't that what romance is all about?" ~Morticia

“When you stare into an abyss for a long time, the abyss also stares into you.” – Nietzsche

I'm also starving for the first time in weeks. Hooray for DOUBLE the hormones while pregnant. Fortunately, all my clothes still fit and no one can tell, with the exception of the parents and possibly the boyfriend. You have to look really really hard to be able to tell that my body is changing. Thank God for small favors. I'm also one of the blessed few women I know who is secure in her body. I'm sure that will change as the months go on, but what the hell, I'm enjoying the big damn boobs while I can. If that makes me a bad person, I don't wanna be good!!!

I'm also going to blame crying while watching Buffy on hormones. In my defense, it was a intensely sad episode, but I felt like a total pussy afterwards. Perhaps I should watch Firefly instead... Time to nut up or shut up. Or alternately tonight, after doing the long ass shift, I will watch Pirates. Yes, I think that is a good waste of my time. I will write long rants about my life and watch Pirates of the Carribean 2 &3 or Inglorious Basterds and be vastly disturbed (again) by the the incredible and fufilling violence of that particular movie. I would watch Aliens, but even I know I can't watch that movie by myself. I'm so very very proud.

Or I could just do what I'm doing now. Listening to incredibly sexual country music by Garth Brooks (kudos if you can figure out any song by him that is deliciously sensual). I actually heard this song on the radio while I was working for the first day and I swear I was turning many colors....I heard songs like this when I was young and had NO IDEA what they were talking about. I guess that's the difference between now and then. Back then, things were implied. They were sensual and sexy but not overtly sex filled. Now I am innundated with songs that aren't even nice and censored (the room is the g-spot, i can make your bed rock). YOU ARE WHAT? Please spare me, you creepy bastard.


Hello, my faithful followers! While I am quite sure right now that there is only one of you, or possibly two. Probably one. In any case, my apologies for not being as prolific as I usually am. I recieved quite a shock on Wednesday when I went to visit my obi-gyn.

Apparently I am pregnant with twins. Identical ones. This fact blows my mind on a level that I thought could not be overtaken since I discovered I was, in fact, pregnant. My boyfriend and I used to joke about how, once we were married and had were starting to have kids, it would be awesome to have twins, although the probability of that was incredibly small. Or, so it seemed. (insert laughter of the gods here). We would argue about names (because, sorry Mike, NO STAR WARS REFERENCES). However, I now have a tendency to look at the sky and be like "WHAT THE HELL? WE WERE JUST TALKING!" But God has a sense of irony, humor and obviously trusts me with much more than I trust myself. The idea of that scares the crap out of me, but obviously no one was asking MY opinion.

So, twins. The idea of just having a baby at this age (the tender age of 18-19) scares the ever loving crud out of me. I still go to the beach (tempting the flesh eating bacteria) and never have enough money for ANYTHING. I love to read my books and watch Buffy and write angry self-effacing poetry. Just kidding, I gave that up after a crush went horribly wrong freshman year. I think I traded it for ridiculously anti-social hysterical laughter. Another semi-problematic social behavior. I got a text from a friend yesterday that summarizes this "To be honest, this is a huge shock. We're almost the same age, but you're walking into a new stage of life that I'm not going to be ready for for years."

Here's the difference between me and him. I know this isn't the optimum time. But I have to prepare myself anyway. I have to be the best I can be. And while that isn't the easiest thing to do, because, let's face it, this isn't the easiest path I've chosen, but it is the right one. Moving forward rather than burying my head in the sand. Am I scared? Of course I'm fucking scared. Are you kidding? But I know I am capable. I am woman hear me roar! But really, I am a strong, capable woman. I made the choice that led to this. I can handle the rest. And as the same friend pointed out, it won't be just me. I have a feeling that familial involvement in my children was gonna happen regardless of the time period they happened in. It will be more intense, but handling it all by myself would be a lot harder.

Having two babies at once is gonna be....interesting. Helloooo no sleeping! However, I've done it before (little brother) so I know it is doable and I can survive. Also, I'm having these children during the days that (according to the less sane of my friends) I should be out and about partying and drinking and whatnot, and this seems like a semi-healthier alternative. People really do die from going out and doing things like that, but they generally don't from staying up all night with crying babies. And I’ll be able to get school done, at the very minimal least.

I have family and friends who love babies and are dying to help. I just need to live through the pregnancy first. Quite honestly, about 2 weeks ago, I’d have been betting that I wouldn’t. That’s how bad the morning sickness got. All day, every day. And it finally stopped around eleven last night due to some excellent medication. PRAISE JESUS, JOSEPH AND MARY!

I have Rhapsody in Blue stuck in my head. I'm battling it with my Itunes and a sweet silver kitten in my lap who does his best to gnaw on my wrists. The irony of my two nicknames combining in my pet is a silly thing, but it feels like poetic justice to me.

I'm working tonight from 5:30 until midnight. Ouch. Oh well. Money is money. And thankfully, I enjoy this job.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

100 Things About Me (Part two)

26. I'm slowly having a love affair with comic books. I actually have a friend who tells me what to read, thank God, otherwise I'd be at a complete loss as to what to read. This all started when I watched The Crow and then I found out it was a graphic novel. And then that lead to V for Vendetta and Watchmen. Delicious!

27. Alice in Wonderland, whether it's the American Mcgee or the Lewis Caroll version, it makes me all warm and fuzzy.

28. Great art is something I enjoy, like great dialogue. Seduce me with your words!

29. I hate the cold. I'd rather sweat it out in shorts than freeze my ass off. Which means I'm sincerely hating Texas weather right now. This rule is true, with the exception of snow. Snow causes me to lose all my sanity.

30. Bad drivers make me wacky. But mean drivers make me ANGRY. Everybody else just irritates me.

31. I switch back and forth between valley girl and ghetto talk. And chola talk. And occasionally, I speak like a normal, educated human being. But that doesn’t really happen all that often, due to my irritation and anger with just about everything.

32. I’ve been swimming since I was three. I’ve never done swim team or anything to that effect, but I learned quickly and have strong endurance.

33. I have no problems smacking anyone in the face, so it’s preferable not to push me too hard on any particular subject or getting up in my face. I will most likely punch you or something. If you have a problem with physicality, namely mine, please address it now.

34. I love high heels, red lipstick, black eyeliner and perfect hair. I never actually HAVE any of those, but I enjoy it when I do. And I admire anyone with those things. Unless you are a guy. And then I’ll be impressed. And run away.

35. I have never been to a club. And incidentally, clubwear freaks me out badly. What CAN I wear to a club that doesn’t make me look like I’m trolling for skank?

36. Rap makes me laugh. But it is fun to dance to.

37. I always want either Italian or Asian food. Or bread. Bread makes my life. OH MY GOD, bread is amazing. I MUST HAVE SOME RIGHT NOWOWOWWOWO!!!!

38. I will bite you. Behave accordingly. This is code for me making you my bitch. And eventually, everyone is my bitch. Except for Gwen.

39. I love coke. The brown, poured over ice stuff. It is delicious and it can eat your liver. Much like me.

40. Fraternities and sororities creep me out big time. I think the idea of so many sisters is weird and then I heard about some guys in a frat at my old school “training” a girl. Yuck on so many levels. Anyway that about killed it for me.

41. I have this really adverse reaction to chocolate. While it is an aphrodisiac for most people, it makes me incredibly depressed. Moderation is key.

42. I’m a Taurus. Yep, very special.

43. I play guitar, and piano and I sing. I consider myself fairly musical, but it isn’t really my chosen art form. I prefer the writing aspect.

44. I have random body pain. And it’s not fun.

45. I love the sound of wind and rain. However, I hate how it feels with a flaming passion. With the exception of rain in the wonderful texas weather.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

100 Things About Me (Part one)

1. I love to read. Anything and everything. Recommendations are always welcomed, followed and enthused about.

2. Joss Whedon is a badass. I know that makes me a nerd, but I love his shows so much, I really don't give a crap. Buffy, Angel, Firefly and Dollhouse made high school so much easier. Also, he's apparently working on Glee, which explains why the dialogue suddenly got better in the middle of the season.

3. I hate reality TV. If I'm watching TV, it's not to see reality. I promise. My first (and last) foray into the swirling hellhole known as reality TV was the last season of the Bachelor and it made me want to grab a shotgun and go hunting for Jake. Preferably to mount his sorry head on my wall. After that, I decided I was going to stick to Vampires, space cowboys and Scrubs.

4. I love Stephen King. My blog is named after a quote from my favorite book from him, The Dark Tower. I could go on and on and on and on about how AMAZING this series is, but I'll try not to. That is a rant that shouldn't be started unless the listener has had multiple shots and several nights to listen.

5. I don't have all that much patience with anyone, with the minor exception of dogs, cats and kids. And sometimes Grandparents. Everyone else will be bitchslapped. A lot. Priests are another exception to this rule. Most days.

6. My kitten keeps me sane these days. While I realize relying on a cat for the state of my mental health isn't the smartest thing in the world to do, I can't help it. He's like a dog. With softer fur and a purr that is the sweetest thing in the world.

7. While I love my cat, I am waiting for the day I fall asleep with a large dog in my bed. Ah, those childhood dreams die hard.

8. I have a dirty mind. I'm not proud, but there it is.

9. I am a practicing Roman Catholic with a side of curanderismo. You don't know what it is, look it up.

10. I didn't watch TV growing up, so no, I don't know the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire. Please go die.

11. I love country music. No, that's not all I listen to and enjoy, but it's what I grew up on and honestly, where else are there lyrics like this: "Sing a song about the heartland, the only place I feel at home, sing about the way a good man works until the daylight's gone. Sing the rain on the roof on a summer night, where they still know wrong from right. Sing a song about the heartland. Sing a song about my life."

12. I have a destructive edge. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but it's there.

13. I love to work. I love jobs. I really REALLY wanna be a bartender at some point, but right now, that doesn't seem to be a good idea.

14. I love all things Irish and Celtic.

15. And in case that last one didn't clarify, I love the sound of bagpipes. They make me remember the good parts of high school.

16. Rennaissance Festival blows my mind every time I go.

17. I simply must have a Caesar salad. It's an addiction. Not a good one. But a relatively cheap one, most days. *Thanks the salad gods for Wendy's.*

18. If I have to make a tough choice or am going through a rough time, I tend to shut everyone out. I'm not happy about this, but it's become a habit. One that everyone is welcome to help break me of.

19. I have a high pain tolerance, and I can handle the sight of blood, but about 12 hours later, it comes back and causes me to pass out.

20. I suck at most sports. That said, I can run at least half assedly. And I can skate.

21. I love the X-Men stuff. I'd love to be Wolverine. I have the temper to go with it.

22. I like Twilight and tortillas. And tortillas are pretty much the extent of my liking of mexican food. With the exception of steak fajitas.

23. I'm terribly afraid of the next few years and how the hell I'm gonna get through them.

24. People that try to intimidate me piss me off. I will poof up like a kitten who sees a big dag and my claws come out and I start hissing. Really.

25. I was known as the Vampire in high school. Pale face and long dark hair. And then Twilight came out. Didn't help.

Trying Not to Sound Like a Whiney Boy Band

Sooo.....sitting at home, glad I got a job. Starting on Tuesday. Which is good and bad, mostly because it means my excuse to leave the house for the next two days is completely GONE. However, after that, it means I won't have to see any one's face for a while!

I love kids. They laugh, cry, and continuously want me to read stories to them, something I adore. Everyone else these days seems to hate my guts, a condition that probably should be bothering me a great deal more, but tragically, just something that is irritating. On a minor level. I did do things that warrant distrust an d whatnot from my family, but you know what? I do believe I'm going to get right back on that college horse and ride the damn thing. Only it may not be the orange and blue horse I've been so pressured to keep riding. Whatever. I need a degree. Which means I don't care where I get the damn degree from. Which means I need classes. Oh tragedy, but stuff I can handle.

So, having a blog makes me feel kinda lame, but that's cool. I'm told it is an alternative form of journaling. And after spending several hours browsing the various blogs, and finding myself almost rolling on the floor with laughter, I think I'll give this a shot. For real. And try not to write more than once a day, because I'm sure once I start really writing, this shit will get addictive. Much like reading it. Which reminds me, the blog 'a taste of fresh banana pudding' had me in hysterics for most of today, and me being the stalker that I am, I went ahead and read the whole thing. I need to get a hobby, but as a book lover and highly prolific reader and writer, this is a much more "valuable" way to waste my time. I mean, hell, I could be watching something on hulu, but....I don't know. I always loved books that were made up of letters or journals, and by God, I've found MILLIONS of them on the Internet!

In any case, all this new reading material is killing my eyes, but making me super happy. I have 2 ideas for blogs. Letters from a mother. and my top 100 about me. I've decided though, that these deserve a new post. So, adieu for now.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Someone told me today that God would give us all we need.

I think I might have forgotten that. In the midst of the last few months, it's been easy to rely on myself, because I thought there was nothing anyone could do, no one who could help me. Against everyones wishes, I've managed to alienate myself amidst my family and friends. These people who love me, who have tried to help me for almost nineteen years, I've let them down. I'm quite confident that several people in my life are convinced I'm a sociopath, due to my lack of emotions.

So, long story cut relatively short. I found out I was pregnant about a month ago, which was enough to blow the roof off quite and then my parents found out today that I dropped out of school this semester. I think I could handle everything if my parents and my friends and my boyfriend were angry at me, or hated me. Rather, they are just dissapointed and in my parents case, convinced that I have no moral code and that I am incapable of anything right and considering me at high risk for suicide. I am so torn about literally everything in my life. And I'm frusterated with being a typical whiny teen on this blog! Hooray for twisted irony.

Each day is a mixed blessing. Babies are a blessing. My health (minus the ridiculous morning sickness) is a blessing. Living in this country is a blessing. In a laughable way, at least I'm not Buffy!

In any case, I'm lost and feeling lonely and all I need is some rain and possibly some alcohol in order for this to be a country song. My parents keep telling me I've chosen my path. Well, I'm not done choosing yet. I got a job today. I've had jobs for the past 3 years, but I've been needing one lately so that will help, and my future (meaning, ojala, tomorrow) boss seemed to hear some of the desperation and understand. I will be working with children (:)) The stars remain in the sky and the future will come one day at a time, thank God.

First post win. Life fail though. O well. It goes on. And so will I.