NOT THIS DAY!

Fuck,
I've been slacking like crazy in my writing.
I knew something felt off the last few days.
Normally I can crank out some per day
but the last week has felt overcast and dreary as hell.
This day is no different, but I'm actively doing my best to make it better
and figure out my future.
Plan and play
try to make money somewhere
keep up my writing
take care of the kids
pretend to clean once in a while
figure out financial stuff
smoke a cigar
sing all of the music!
See Les Miserables as much as I can
and then buy it on blu-ray.
See my friends
eat leftovers
and pho.
Read a million books and
go back to school.
Make money
play hard
love hard
live.

These are the basic life ambitions of mine.
Things I should do involve
losing weight
finding a house
finding an apartment
run
read
write
go back to school
make money
find job

I spent a good few hours with friends yesterday
and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel insecure about friends a lot, because as many people have
there have been times I have misjudged people
and times they have misjudged me and that can be difficult
but these friends, whether I'm one-on-one, just the three of us or
two couples together, always make me feel normal and funny. We
can talk the hard, difficult stuff and we often do, but a great deal of the
time is spent laughing. Hysterically.
They make me think and laugh and talk. A lot.
I know I have a place on their couch and they know that
we always have a place for them on ours.

I've been reading fanfiction lately. I have to say, the
quality has vastly improved since I was last involved in
that particular community. Granted, I was extremely young
last time I was playing in this area, so I can't really judge whether
it has gotten better or my comprehension has gotten better,
but once again, stories are fuel to my fire and reading stories that
play with characters that I love is deeply enjoyable for me. So there's that.
I'm trying to read as much as possible without spending money. And
I could go to the library, but I could also read free fanfiction and review it
and enjoy playing in the various universes.
And oh, how I do.

I wish I could write about how I feel about all the things
I read about on the websites I read.
The feminist stuff.
I wish I could articulate how I feel about choice
and prostitution
and sex work in general
and the patriarchy
and how to make feminism inclusional
and how women are treated in the religion
I grew up in.
And I'm working on it.
I'm talking about it.
But I want to write about it.
And be open about it.

Maybe one day I'll stop writing like an amateur poet
and actually write the way I want to,
BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY!

Saturday stuff

He said something yesterday
that made me smile.
he told me that he missed the apartment
and just me and him and
the kids.
and I have felt that way for a long time
since we left the apartment actually
and so, this made me smile.

Beyond that, I saw
Paranormal Activity 4 last night.
I screamed at least 8 times
and the theater full of people behind me
were doing the same thing
the last 5 minutes were definitely the most
frightening. 2 of those minutes ultimately proved
that even if everything is brightly lit,
horror in broad daylight is still
pretty fucking scary.

I started (again) the Vampire Diaries.
It is simultaneously good and bad.
and funny and silly.
I'm not too far in, but I want to catch up before the fourth
season goes insane. It is kind of cute
Here's hoping it gets better
or these people get smarter.
I like the idea of witches best.

I went through my writing and as
it turns out, I'm getting down about
5000 or so words a month.
Which is way up from the normal 1000
I was cranking out, but way down from
where I want to be. I want to make these
posts longer and I want to start (or continue)
writing fiction
but I'm not even sure where to begin.
It seems easier to journal the highs and lows
of my day but even then I'm not telling all of the
truth here.
There's few names and even fewer tellings of
where the connections are, I assume because I'm afraid
of people finding me.
or judging me.
Which is dumb for a multitude of reasons
because this is mine
my own
my precious......

Okay, all creepiness aside.
I'm a total fucking mess.
I have no motivation for anything, besides maybe writing
I want a job, but can't find one.
I hate cleaning, which makes my husband hate me.
I can't sleep well without Ambien.
I need a nap normally, but on a regular basis, I find myself having
trouble going to sleep.
I am waiting for my Halloween costume, but I have no where to go thats
technically appropriate to wear it.
I have a sexy costume, but I am fat so am I allowed to be sexy?
I hate 3D movies. I hate them so much. Going to the movies has
given me huge amounts of anxiety since I was little and so the advent
of movies where things intentionally jump out at you makes me
very afraid to set foot at or around movie theaters that show them.

Reverb 10- Day 2

What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

Oh God, I am always so damn distracted. I don't take 20 minutes a day to simply think and write.

I should probably quit watching one episode of grey's per day, since I watch 2-3 episodes per day, and use that forty minutes to write. And start REALLY journaling again. And stop writing down texts. Yes, I just admitted I did that, so you can all start calling me stalker Megan.

Amen