In another Life

In an alternate universe,
There are many things I might do differently
and I say in a different universe
because if I did things differently here, I might
change how things are now.
and I don't think I'd want to change.
But in an alternate universe.

I'd ask for help more throughout my life
but mostly I'd ask for help and tried to stay
in that first apartment.

I'd try harder as I was growing up
to learn to keep things neat
because it is harder to learn how
to keep it neat as I grow older.

I'd save my money starting my freshman year of high school.

I would play paintball as much as possible
and play as much as possible.

I would tell him that
I was sorry and that I want to be friends
even if we weren't meant to be one true loves.
I would tell several people that, actually.

I would refuse to kiss that guy for his first kiss.
I would flirt a lot more
and I would go running all the time
and I would brush my teeth twice a day, every day
and not ever skip.

I would stick to choir, even though I was pregnant
just so I could have something to do that was away and
that kept up my music.

I would have used protection
and not been ashamed.

I would continue going to therapy,
even if it is expensive.

I would take my meds more regularly.

I would have worked harder at school.

But now I work to change myself in the now, rather than the later.

NOT THIS DAY!

Fuck,
I've been slacking like crazy in my writing.
I knew something felt off the last few days.
Normally I can crank out some per day
but the last week has felt overcast and dreary as hell.
This day is no different, but I'm actively doing my best to make it better
and figure out my future.
Plan and play
try to make money somewhere
keep up my writing
take care of the kids
pretend to clean once in a while
figure out financial stuff
smoke a cigar
sing all of the music!
See Les Miserables as much as I can
and then buy it on blu-ray.
See my friends
eat leftovers
and pho.
Read a million books and
go back to school.
Make money
play hard
love hard
live.

These are the basic life ambitions of mine.
Things I should do involve
losing weight
finding a house
finding an apartment
run
read
write
go back to school
make money
find job

I spent a good few hours with friends yesterday
and it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I feel insecure about friends a lot, because as many people have
there have been times I have misjudged people
and times they have misjudged me and that can be difficult
but these friends, whether I'm one-on-one, just the three of us or
two couples together, always make me feel normal and funny. We
can talk the hard, difficult stuff and we often do, but a great deal of the
time is spent laughing. Hysterically.
They make me think and laugh and talk. A lot.
I know I have a place on their couch and they know that
we always have a place for them on ours.

I've been reading fanfiction lately. I have to say, the
quality has vastly improved since I was last involved in
that particular community. Granted, I was extremely young
last time I was playing in this area, so I can't really judge whether
it has gotten better or my comprehension has gotten better,
but once again, stories are fuel to my fire and reading stories that
play with characters that I love is deeply enjoyable for me. So there's that.
I'm trying to read as much as possible without spending money. And
I could go to the library, but I could also read free fanfiction and review it
and enjoy playing in the various universes.
And oh, how I do.

I wish I could write about how I feel about all the things
I read about on the websites I read.
The feminist stuff.
I wish I could articulate how I feel about choice
and prostitution
and sex work in general
and the patriarchy
and how to make feminism inclusional
and how women are treated in the religion
I grew up in.
And I'm working on it.
I'm talking about it.
But I want to write about it.
And be open about it.

Maybe one day I'll stop writing like an amateur poet
and actually write the way I want to,
BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY!