"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

"I didn't know you were gonna be at that bar when I walked in
Til I walked in
I looked up, saw your face, turned around
And I walked back out again
Then I thought there's too much that we shared

So I made myself get ahold of myself
And walked back in
And went right up to you 
I could feel you were caught off gaurd
Neither one of us knew just what to do 
So I said 
How's it been, been a while
Tell me how's your Mama
You said Good, you can sit down if you wanna
I said I was just thinkin bout Oklahoma 
The wild roller coaster ride we had that summer
Before we knew it we were on our 2nd glass of wine
Sittin there talkin just like

we had never said good bye"

Clay Walker 

Saturday, December 28, 2013


He looked at me
and said
"sometimes, you scare me
with the way you can act so easily"
and i thought about it for a while

the basic rules
are that acting is either for survival
or for hobby
but not both
because once you do it for both
you may forget what the mask is for
and the things you so painstakingly made
the mask you painted and cut to fit your face perfectly
may become your face

and to be perfectly honest
(which I never am)
I don't know which of me I prefer more

morning thoughts

you reach out and touch me
or you say "I love you " casually
I feel like I'm burning.
Please stop
but don't ever stop.

I find myself secretly terrified
little ones
that the only way I'll appreciate you
is when you are not by my side
because when you are here I am frustrated
and angry. But when you aren't here,
I am so very sad and lonely.
These are not new feelings to cope with
but new tiny people that these feelings are
about and what do I do with them?

Thursday, December 19, 2013

Thoughts in the dark

"Lost between Elvis and suicide
ever since the day we died
well, I've got nothing left to lose.
After Jesus and rock n' roll
couldn't save my immortal soul
well, I've got nothing left to lose."
~The Pretty Reckless

in what feels like the
oddest moments of my life
I think of taking your face in my hands
and kissing you, because you need so much
more love than you have or that I could ever
give you.

Only your face though
even in my darkest dreams
never do I bow down and worship you
And I'm never sure if it is because I think
I am too good for you
or if it is because I know
you are too good for me.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013


"Maybe it's not blood bonds who make us
a family.
Perhaps it's the people who know our secrets
and love us anyway
so we can finally be ourselves.
Gossip girl."

I rarely have long periods of time
where I feel complete and whole
I'm always moving, always watching
and looking for more or different,
my content is in the hunt, not in the
But I find moments
where my eyes tear up
I find the moments where
I am content.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Calling out Winter

The Light by The Album Leaf

I don't know what's worse
in the heat of the moment
my jaw unhinged
or was it the buzz
but I told a half truth
and now I know which is worse

the us that was
is probably just you and me
I know that you
don't know me anymore.

So perhaps some love lost
tape over
the giant hole in my stomach.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

I'm Alright

"We lost touch
we lost in love
we lost our minds when things got tough
beating time is a losing fight
and I guess I'm doing alright."
~Jo Dee Messina

There are people I've danced with
and I can't remember all of their names
and this bothers me.
I've danced as much as I could
with what I've been given
and I dance in my imagination
and in my dreams
to all of the music I know.

I write because
I hurt all over
because the pills that I take
don't work and it is frustrating
and because the words have to mean something
I have to believe in something
and I write because I have stories and
I want to tell them sometime
I want to live on in my words
achieving immortality in some way or another
does that make me self centered?

oh well, my supposed self centered-ness aside,
I can dance in my living room now
I have a living room large enough and clean enough
and a person who's happy enough to dance with  me
who told me
whenever we dance, I want to kiss you.
I fall in love when we clean the kitchen
and when we yell at each other from across the rooms
and waking up gives me terrible satisfaction
because what if it is all a dream?
What if I'm still trapped
still stuck?
What if this walk forward is all temporary
one step forward
ten steps back?

But what if it isn't?
What if these plans I'm slowly building
amount to something so very beautiful

Saturday, November 2, 2013


There are phantom pains
that I have known
inside my brain 
and on my body

on my left leg, behind my knee
was the first time I was stung by a wasp
when I was thirteen and at camp
and I can still feel it sometimes

and on my right knee
in gym class at twelve
told the teacher I could not do the jump
was made to do the jump anyway and 
popped my knee out of place. 
It took a week to get it back in 
and it still hurts in the cold weather. 

and when I see the tail on my new cat
(ma belle evangeline)
there's a brief pain because that raccoon tail 
belonged to Noah.

There are scars and scars that run beneath 
my hair in my scalp that hurt and ache on occasion
the corners of my head and underneath my ears especially
even if they are old and self inflicted 
they are still achy, especially when I'm tired.

There are hands 
that when I see them
cause me such pain
that I worry that my internal organs will explode
and then my bed calls me for days
and I worry that I'll never move forward

and there is a purple scar on the lowest point of my belly
long and thin
and hidden
it almost never hurts

the cold makes my joints ache
and my hair freeze
but I smoke my cigars and drink my coffee
and cuddle ma belle Evangeline
NOT all together
and watch the fireworks tonight
and read terrifying books
while thanking the voiceless gods
that I am here.

Monday, October 28, 2013

Players only love you when they're playing.

"listen carefully to the sound
of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives
you mad
In the stillness of remembering
what you had."

I paint my nails deep red
so deep
almost black
and it makes the movement of my hands
something I can appreciate
so even if I hate the face I see in the mirror
I can still pull apart the parts of the body
and figure out the ones I like.

the migraines aren't few and far between yet
but the meds work
and regardless, the cat makes me laugh
and I can have dark and quiet occasionally
which allows me to heal these strange internal wounds

Tuesday, October 15, 2013


What if
instead of telling stories
my gift is telling lies?

My cat tells me
in purrs and loud howls
to give to her
ALL of my lap
not part, not just a leg
but ALL of the lap. Preferably with
both hands petting and scratching and lots
of kisses. She lets me touch her paws, all of them
and rub her chest and belly with impunity
She loves playing with her toys and
cuddling in bed and on the couch and everywhere.

These days I feel so very
pleasant, with wonderful cordiality towards
a great deal of man and woman kind. My
irritation is still easily stirred, but I am smiling more
easily now and getting along more with others and
I am significantly less sad.

The people here
know my name and laugh with me
and wave when I go by
and even though my instinct is to be unfriendly and afraid
I smile and wave back
and even come in sometimes and say hello

And remember what I was like
and who I want to be.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Every night since I've moved here
I've had dreams
most of them are Coven related
I assume
women in high heels
up long wooden staircases
and cats
cats everywhere
sitting on my chest and on my pillow
and purring at my feet and
biting my nose.

That last part isn't a dream
but finally a reality
and tiny warm body who
purrs constantly and licks my face
and unfortunately meows all night
as well
(I am so sleepy right now)
but so very obviously loves me
and all the food I stand for.

My evenings these days are spent
making dinners and then watching
Breaking Bad
all in all
a pleasant way to live life

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Things that Make me Happy

In living
with my own family
in my own place
means that I can eat what I want
and cook when I want
which I enjoy
and I figure out how much to spend on groceries
and when can I afford a cat
and I don't disturb anyone with my actions
and the only people who can disturb me are the ones
I choose to let disturb me.
I have my bookshelf by my bed
arranged in an indecipherable order
and I'm picking out art for the apartment.
I have a blue couch I picked out
that reclines, but is longer than I am
so I can sleep on it and it is beautiful and comfortable
and I have a garden tub, and I can take baths.
I can be me here.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013


I have my own place now
and it is lovely
and empty currently
and I am so

incandescently happy

to have it to be there
to love it there

I can't wait to see
the possibilities and the things
that I'll be able to do.

Monday, September 16, 2013


While waiting to see
if I have a new home
I am...overly verbal. I can
talk for hours and hours
only to come down quickly and be silent
for the rest of the day.
I don't like ups and downs.
They make my stomach deeply unsettled
so I'm waiting
not so quietly right now
to hear that I have acquired the things
I hold so dearly
my privacy
and a room
and a room for my children
a place I can have my friends over
and cabinet space.
room for my books
and my kindle
and my life.
please please

Monday, September 9, 2013


"I do recall now the smell of the rain
fresh off the pavement...
The beat of your heart
It jumps through your shirt
I can still feel your arms
and now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes
all that I know is I don't know
how to be something you miss."

"Hope it is nice where you are."

It was nice
and odd hearing from you today
I always feel so odd
hostile and kind
like I miss you
and I hate you
and I always wonder how long it will be
until I see you again
wish you'd talk to me more
How do you feel about Pacific Rim?
Do you still think of me in the morning?
Our random catch-ups make me wonder
how you are.

Whether or not I see you
I'll miss you.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

(Insert title here)

I on occasion
mourn for the chance to meet new people
and while I live and hope and all that
I find that making a good impression and keeping one
is particularly difficult in making true friends.

With that in mind mostly I just miss
the warmth of seeing friends on a daily basis
but the friends I've retained past that
are a thousand times more than they were
on a daily basis.

I don't know how to adequately explain
how I feel.

oh dearest ones
or one
whoever likes to send me
what I hesitate to call hate on tumblr
because even though it is painful
it is hardly hateful
it is just kind of silly
but it isn't spiteful enough to be hate
just annoying

but anyway
dear one
i am so sorry that my presence causes you
such disturbance and I wonder
do you bookmark my site
or do you just know the name by heart?

I bet if we talked we could find something in common
a mutual need for water or music we both like
or the annoyances of humidity and the effects on hair
Did you know I'm allergic to apples
that my favorite outfit always includes a pair of jeans
no matter what it is
my favorite drink is currently
margaritas of pretty much any flavor
I just love how the lime tastes
I haven't had my nails done in nearly a year
but I just got a haircut last week and having
this little hair feels beyond odd
clusterfuck and circle jerk are some of my favorite words
and how driving across town
even with simple instructions
makes me terrified.
but letting other people drive me places
makes me beyond crazy and there are very few
exceptions to this rule.
I hate that I have to take so many pills
even if they are prescribed
and I wish you the best
even if you hate me.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

"Oh Mary, you're covered in roses
You're covered in ashes
you're covered in rain
You're covered in babies
covered in slashes."
~Mary by Patty Griffin

Things I want more

my friend cat Noah to come home
even if I can't have him
my own cat to love
the ability to catnap
with a cat
and lots of purrs
to show my children what it is like to have an animal
meow until you pet it
and purr like a boat when you do.
To share a cold coke with a chris
to remember what it's like to be fearless
for a little while.
I'd like my phone case
which is purple (unintentional) and covered in octopus (intentional)
I want my own kitchen and my own christmas tree
and I want to have a housewarming party and
decorate my own place.

I want my head to stop hurting so much so consistently
and I want it quieter
I want to be able to bake fresh bread
as much as I want
and I want it to smell the way I like it

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


I had a new memory
I'm having trouble remembering where it came from
or why I remember it
but I remember why I wouldn't want to
remember it.

Every time there was family photos
for easter, christmas, birthdays and so on
someone ended up in tears
normally me
because we weren't smiling right
or standing right
and yelling at someone to smile better
doesn't make them smile at all
and things
that retrospectively
seem like micromanagement
that shirt is not okay
I can see your cleavage
go steam it I can see wrinkles
change your hair
too much makeup
fix your bra
that's the wrong bra

and I heard this everywhere
from church
to prom to school to bed
and everywhere in between.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Free As My Hair

Straightening my hair
has an odd effect on my 
Much like when
I look closely into my own eyes
all of a sudden I see beauty
where previously, 
there was none.

But straightening my long hair
takes time and effort
and so it only happens
once in a great while.

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Forget me not?

When i got a text
from you
a blank one
(               )
I remember that
on occasion I wonder
what you think of me
if you remember
the girl
in the dress
and how much she loved you

you probably don't
Because I was never more
that a girl with a crush to you
an easy off

forget me

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Flying and Friends, or flying with friends.

for the first time
is like a roller coaster
but a thousand times more

I hate roller coasters.
They make my hands shake
and my stomach hurt.
I don't feel well or safe for hours
after I've ridden one. There is
no room for them in my head.

But flying
is like five hundred roller coasters
as your stomach drops and you see
your line of vision shift
and you feel gravity change
but the wind doesn't hit your face
and you can hear people laughing around you
and the voices of your friends telling you
it is okay
we are safe
this is good

There is comfort in my friends.
We laugh about books and how the ground looks
different and we speculate about where we are and how
glad we are that the flight is only 3 hours long, tops.
We argue over what to drink on the plane and
I am grateful at how much they make me laugh
in the midst of new terror.
How looking through the Skymall magazine
makes things feel normal and joking about wanting
scotch at 7 am makes you Hemingway, and not even slightly
an alcoholic.
The taste of fear, when I'm with my friends,
goes from entirely bitter
to sweet and sour
because even though my stomach hurts
it is because I'm laughing with them.

We fill three hours up so quickly
because we laugh and we read and
complain about the horrors of technology
and on the way back, I'll order a drink
that will probably live in infamy as long as we are friends.
There will always be something
so homey
about travelling with friends.

Monday, July 15, 2013


New meds for a week
which means life has gone
from downward spiral and
upward climb
to perpetual low point boredom.

My desires remain the same
but more difficult to access,
damped, somehow, by
medications and disappointment
bad sleep and reality television
I am so tired
but why can I not sleep?

Why is there never a purring cat
when I need comfort?
Why is my room always a mess
and why is it always too hot or too cold?
Why is it so hard to be kind
to sleep well
to concentrate on anything that requires
more than a small percentage of my attention?

What is wrong with me?

Friday, July 12, 2013

I think the only thing
keeping me here
is you

Friday, July 5, 2013

Know You Better

"When you came in
the air went out...
I don't know who you think you are
but before the night is through
I want to do bad things with you."

When I think of you
I think of bubble tea
and roller coasters
and strawberry daiquiris in
the grass
the man who tells me I'm beautiful
whether it is a funeral
or I'm in the shower.

The Hurt by Johnny Cash fight
The way you make me laugh all the time
and how you let me steal all the covers.
The way you hug me when I cry over
anything from the real world to Sherlock
The way we do in depth analysis of everything
and how you get me to try everything
but never manage to get me sick.
how you know all my favorite things.
You are still my favorite Christmas present.

You don't really like Starbucks
but we ended up there anyway
and you love me even when
I'm the meanest of the mean.
We are still need to finish
Supernatural and Weeds and Dexter and Game of Thrones
and you introduced me to gaming
and desktops and ps3 and 3DS
and Mario.
You get all my quotes
and don't care about how pretentious I get
about literature and tumblr
and you can match my middle earth knowledge
You don't call me names
even when I call you names
and you rub my back
even when I complain incessantly about it.
You make me laugh until my stomach hurts

You could be the death of me
instead you are the life of me
and you tell me
You are worth all I have
and more
and hearing that
is worth all the poetry I could ever have.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Game of thrones

We watch Game of Trhones
and he says
can you imagine 
living in a world like this?

and I wondered
you mean a world
where murder is easily done
and accepted
where being a woman means
you are screwed
in every sense of the word
no matter what
where being a man can mean
damn near anything
where war happens at the drop
of a hat
a world where it is difficult
to discern good and bad
because everything is a million shades of
where winter comes for everyone?

But I said nothing.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

my life bowing
down to the wants
and whims and opinions of
others has been fucking exhausting.

I'm beyond
tired of it.

So a few nights ago
I posted a picture and
let a part of my nature be
Some say that it has always been known.
Others are acting like it is
a huge surprise.

I'm not really sure
if it is passive aggressive or
But I plan on digging my heels in.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

I would say this
is the worst case of
writer's block I've ever had.
I'm never sure.

Friday, June 21, 2013

if the words that come out
sound bad
what if people don't like them
what if everyone worries
and thinks that I'm terrible
and that the words are terrible
what if they don't like me for my
what if I get stuck
what if I never have time
for writing
what if
what if
what if

Monday, June 17, 2013

My blood sings with words.

There are a thousand thoughts
a million words
and stories that want to be written
that constantly are in my head
that never shut the hell up
write write write
write forever
write morbid
write dying
write horrible
but just let it out

"What is the most basic article of faith?"
"This is not all that we are."

Friday, June 14, 2013

Only in Dreams Do things work out

Unless they are my dreams
which have recently featured
a great deal of blood and fear

Some days are harder than others
for instance
I got a message yesterday
that said

Once a whore always a whore! Not only are you a fucking cow you also have no integrity or loyalty and you deserve every pound of your morbid obesity you slimy scum of the Earth!!!!

As you might imagine,
this is fascinating to me. 
At first it was ugly and made
me very very angry
especially after seeing that I was 
not the only person in my family to 
receive such a message. It helped 
because it allowed me to pinpoint who
sends such things online.
 And now I know.
And after talking to a few friends
I still have no idea
of the why. And it pains me
and I don't know why.
As it turns out, I have not completely
divorced myself from giving a shit
what other people think.

It isn't nice to call people names
or try and mess with their relationships
and family.
It isn't very nice
at all.

I swear I'll stop obsessing about this soon

In the words of Veronica Mars
"We used to be friends, a long time ago."
and to be honest
those words
haunt me.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Painful Eyes

To remember on days where
things hurt too damn much
and the drugs are wrong
or they don't worth and
the anxiety ramps up because
no money and scary doctors.

There are good things.

I get kisses all day every day.
the hope of future pets.
friends I can call and laugh with.
Red sheets and blankets.
watching iron man.
Hot tea.
introducing Sherlock to a new person.
jimmy johns and the hilarity that goes with it.
Eating soup with friends.
cigar with your brother.
the feeling of reality correcting itself.
my kindle and all of the books
kitchen dance parties.
text from last night
good stories
finding out you have a million things in common with someone you are just getting to know.
tumblr funnies
good quotes
fresh water
a good backrub
howling out songs
hearing someone say i love you
lying on the ground talking to my friends

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Standard Dreaming

think of the
nameless ones often
because in their nonexistence
and nonexistent comfort, I imagine
them to be standing in front of me
with their backs to me.
All I can think of to do is to rest my head
on their back or shoulders.
This is a rarity, because even in my fears
and anxieties, and in my dreams
I am afraid to hurt or overextend someone else's good will
simply by touching them.

In my most comforting of dreams
they let me rest my head on them
for a little while
and they take my hand
and they let me feel my pain
and maybe listen a little bit
but mostly just are present with me
they are able to know the ugly me
and process it
and touch me regardless
and then just to be
with me.

Comforting me involves
drinks, preferably warm drinks like tea
and maybe tissues
and the ability to sit with me
until I can tell the truth of the matter
without disguising it with all my

During the fleeting moments
of peace
I try to understand
how it only takes one person
a single sentence to undo me.

I am afraid.
Be afraid.

Look for the blue.
Calm yourself.

Monday, June 3, 2013

As your hand brushed mine
I remembered what it felt
to feel maternal
to love.

Saturday, June 1, 2013

This face
my face is really really
exhausted by the way things are
so I'm going to do what I do best
which is write sad blurbs
and answer questions
if I feel like it.
Life is too sad
to be straightforward about
what's happening right now.

" I don't think that Heaven waits
for only those who congregate...
But I believe in love
I believe in music
I believe in magic
and I believe in you."

I hate skirts. So much.

I have really weird feelings about the Hannibal show.
I've read some really fantastic commentary that encompasses
it, but I'm torn. I really need a few days of quiet so I can watch it
but that would probably result in me being afraid to leave the house
for a while. Visually, it is beautiful. And cannibal related puns are
hilarious. And unintentional. I hope.

After almost three weeks of feeling horrifically ill,
it is a relief to go back to feeling relatively normal.
I'm not good mentally, but physically I'm a lot better.

I wish I could say I'm specifically
a cat or a dog person
I love love love cats
I love the feel of the soft fur
and the soft purr and
the way they bite or claw you randomly
but how most of them love me and knead
my various body parts
and jewel eyes
but I love dogs
I love unconditional love
and tail wags
and barks and slobber
and a large warm body
and exuberant joy at sight.
I just want a pack of cats and dogs
that roam around my house
that eat and snuggle
and roam with me.

Irene Adler's battle dress in Sherlock
made me scream with happiness.

I feel sad and horrible and alone
many minutes and many hours and many days
but there are also minutes and hours of the day
that I feel loved
sometimes when a friend reaches out
or when I'm excited about dinner with a brother
or laughing hysterically over something I've read.

I lived in an apartment with a garden tub
for two or three months
it was glorious.
I like the water I am in to be boiling hot
to the point of being painful
but I am learning to take cool showers.
I'm not currently a fan of baths but I'll
sit in a tub full of painfully hot water every
once in a while.
The cold showers feel good though.

I want one of these quite badly. It will be a while before I buy one
or any of the other many things in this shop
but I love the look of it. Let's be friends, tiny octopus.

The closest thing to me is my phone and kindle.
I'm reading Tamora Pierce books, currently
and rewatching Dr. Who, because I love comfort stuff.
Dr Who isn't comforting so much as familiarly painful
but OH WELL.

I am a Taurus.


"I've got nothing
no magic words
to stop the leaving
to end this hurt
I'm just blank
and staring into space."

4 firefighters died
in a fire in my town.
It was the deadliest day
in Houston Fire Department history.

You are and will be

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The worst pain
I feel arrives during
the moments of flatness.
The moments when my eyes
hurt so bad
and the contacts must
come out
when my vision is compromised.

Everything bad
originates at my head.
My eyes
my teeth
my nose
my ears
my scalp
my skin
my brain.

All causing the
never ending pain.
I hate this.

On these days
I have to hold myself
particularly still
hoping to not jar any more pain
into my life.

Pain is

I hate pain
even though I consider
it to be a solid fact of life
like the blood that follows me
and my hair, which tangles
no matter what I do.

Times have changed and
now I welcome blissful
blank darkness
even though my love of words
can only be seen
in the light.
The horror.
The light ruins my eyes.
Should have been a cat.
Good clear vision
short life.
Sleepy sunny existence.

Friday, May 24, 2013

One Song Glory

"An interesting theory, let me propose an alternative one:
I am going to win this time.
And this is a theory I have built up
from the following postulates
one- I win every time.
two-this is a time.
three- I will win this time."
~John Finnemore, Cabin Pressure, Paris

I like the Avengers
in the current incarnation.
They are the ones I like and prefer
I like Christopher Nolan's Batman
but I prefer the Catwoman of Tim Burton
and Joss Whedon's second Buffy
to his first
and I liked Cabin in the Woods
and Harry Potter even though I started reading those
too late for them to help my childhood.
I love mythology in all the various incarnations
but the way I view all my forms of media
can be taken in a variety of ways
so I just say that I like them in general
and only try to traumatize people I'm close to.

My friends and I tend to enjoy intense discussions
of various media and fandoms and whatnot
he called me Loki
he said that out of all the Avengers
in the current area
I am Loki.


I struggle
with the concepts of grace
with the concept of love
and forgiveness
and peace.
with the concept of family
and the execution.
because you can be brought to a family
and still not be a part of it.
someone who delights in words and concepts
but is shut down frequently.
I'm dying, save me
but I hate you.
Brothers brothers
Thousands speaking
in my stream of consciousness.
We are not friendly
or nice
or playful
but we could be.
We could be cats purring
or torturing mice
it depends on nothing and

read more.
I am reading
more, but I should
read more. Things like Tumblr
and Reddit are truly entertaining but I need to read
books more, long and laborious and
instead I spend my time on the computer, which is
fun and funny but not particularly fulfilling.
Don't mind me, I'll just be complaining over here
about technology, which makes no fucking sense
since I am deeply in love with my kindle anyway.

I have a love-hate relationship
with my phone. Mostly, I hate the way
it ensures that I am always connected to the
outside world, the way it pulls me out of situations
that I want to be in, how annoying it is when it wakes me out
of the rare sleep I have. I hate that I have to read whatever stupid
fucking inane text or voicemail someone has left me, I hate being interrupted.
I feel like as long as I have my phone, my leash will be on. It
has to be turned off for me to feel like I'm free and even then
I need to turn it back on because I've been conditioned to check
it like my house might be set on fire.
Contrarily, though, I like talking to people. I hate calling them. But I like the
talk, sometimes. I remember pleasant phone calls, back when
I waited for people to call me and liked when I heard
for them. Now I am mostly annoyed.
I'm not sure what I want from my phone
maybe it is just
that I don't want
to have to
have one.

Thursday, May 23, 2013


"not as deceivin' as a low down dirty deceiver."
"Well said. Wasn't that well said, Zoe?"
"Had a kind of poetry to it, sir."


Things I've learned about myself from Tumblr.

Pretty things make me smile.
Anything from the first episode of Game of Thrones makes my inner pain TEN TIMES WORSE.
I feel weird about Doctor Who.
The more obscure things I like have random things too.
There are much, much bigger fans of Joss Whedon. Like terrifyingly.
Good art is subjective. So is good music.
As a person with mental problems/issues/illnesses, I am so far from alone.
Even on the days I feel so isolated, I am not alone.
There are a large subset of people who would sacrifice Glee at an altar of Satan to bring Firefly back.
discovering 'new' music has become much easier.
Everyone loves the kittehs.
There is a fandom for EVERYTHING. This makes my love of obscure, random things much much more easy.
Even when I'm weeping uncontrollably, I'm laughing.

Friday, May 17, 2013

"You have pointed out my flaws again
as if I don't already see them."

It is the day after my birthday
and I am sick
sick sick
and there's a line of bottles
on the desk
that are all prescriptions
and how am I supposed to feel better
if there aren't cats to love me
and purr at me?

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Slices of Bright

I see old pictures
and they remind me of
bright times. Or they seem
bright.Maybe brighter?
 I'm not really sure if it
is real or if it isn't.
Perhaps retrospective sight
makes things friendlier,
because I remember
pain then too,
just processed differently.

I see my friends
even if it is rare
on the high holy days
and I feel a little better
even these days
as dark as they feel
can have slices
of bright.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

I don't know if You can hear me, or if You're even there

A few days ago
I read an article
about the Catholic church
and how people were refused entry
without washing their hands.
It was an exceptional article and protest
but it ripped some internal part of me open
and salted the wound.

In the article
the man who wrote
talked about feeling spiritually homeless
and it resonated painfully and profoundly
because I can pass
If I didn't speak the truth
no one would know
and that affords me privilege
that not everyone has

But beyond all that
there is pain
from a person who was raised
to believe that God loved me
as long as I followed the Bible
only to find out that
who I am
doesn't measure up.

And so that's something
that has been floating in my head
for a little while.
Now onward,
to better things!

Wednesday, May 8, 2013


you called me
back and I am so
fucking embarrassed
and I haven't even said
anything yet.

I can feel
myself flushing and
feeling flustered and I
haven't even begun to say
the words you might need to hear.

"so many things that
I wish you knew
so many walls up
I can break through"

I hope you
mean it when you say
we can see each other and
I hope you
hear me and
believe me because you
are on my short short list
of people that i give a fuck about
and I care what you think about me
I hope I didn't break things
to where I can't fix them

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry

I'll be a better sister
this time.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way the words do

This is an apology
to a person who will
probably never read this.

I am cold and mean
at times
brutal and an ass
but I like you

and sometimes I say terrible things
and I won't remember them
because I assume everyone
has the same pain tolerance
that I do
and mine is so very high

I am sorry
that it takes someone else
bringing it to my attention
that I hurt you

I am sorry
I said that I don't trust you
you haven't done anything to prove
that you aren't trustworthy and
while I may have said that in jest
I'm sorry that it was taken as truth
because I do trust you.

I am sorry
that I did not look past my own nose
to see that you were hurting too
and that I didn't see your pain
through my own.

All I can say
is that I suck
a lot
more often than sometimes
and I don't mean to hurt you
and I'll try not to do it any more.

So to be brief
which I can be truly bad at
I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry you were hurt
I was hurt similarly and I know
what you are going through
I'll try not to be so much of a jerk
You are my family
and I miss you
and I love you
and I want you to be around
and I hope you forgive me.

And let me say this out loud.
Because I want you in my life.

Sunday, May 5, 2013

There is a Castle on a Cloud

I am building
my house
right now.

Even though I do not
own one yet
even though I am
borrowing and renting
from someone else
on someone's charity
and love
I am building my house
right now

Figuring out
what I want
to have and to do
with my time and love
and space.

There will be lots of
tea in my house
and music, ever present
and pervasive because why
the fuck not.
Hellboy and Dr. Who and Buffy and Firefly decorations and
probably a Legend of Zelda shield
hanging somewhere
and it will probably be
messy, because there are children
and I am not a neat person at heart
but there will be a clean sink
and one or two cats roaming the house
and books and a kindle scattered hither
thither and yonder.

In my house
a good sense of humor
is appreciated but not required
and the wine glasses will hold more
sparkling grape juice then wine,
and no matter how big or small or medium
it is
there's always room on the couch
if someone needs help
or just a place to sleep for the night.

Public school over private school
and teaching my children to be kind and funny
and creative and
always letting them know that they are loved
no matter what
and having a chalkboard wall
or two.
Because the kids may need to draw on the walls
and so will I.

Love over beauty
in my house.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Scraping the bottom of the barrel here....

In a funny, less introspective
turn of events,
my family and I went shopping a night or two ago
I am not a fan of leaving the house much
for a variety of reasons
but mostly because
having one two year old is hard to deal with
and I have two.

And it made me laugh
because they are so full of innocence
so full of wonder at
rows and rows full of carrots and lettuce
and they can't quite get the freezer doors open
and they insist on holding your hand sometimes
and holding the basket the other.
I never quite know which one.

They continuously stare at absolutely everyone
but when they see children their own age, they
get these giant grins on their faces.
And I try to remember that
when they are throwing fits and fists
and screaming and
I am being triggered.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Off to play with another post

When I am afraid,
to sleep
when things are knocked off the walls
and the lights don't work
and the blinds are open in the windows
after I closed them
I wear his medals
and write lyrics and
and St. Patrick's Rune
on any available
skin. It works:
I slept well last night
no dreams
no breathing.
Quiet today.

On a lighter note,
I've discovered Reddit.
While I dislike a lot
I spent a good three hours yesterday
laughing until I cried on the ask Reddit posts.
So, positives on that one. People are fascinating.
And scary. And terrible.
But terribly funny.

As I listen to this song
I realize that the best advice I ever got
as well as the worst
comes from country music
but seriously
"Be a best friend
tell the truth
overuse I love you
go to work
do your best
don't outsmart your common sense
Love like crazy."
Good, solid advice.

Billy Joel and Disney music
gets a sing-a-long
every. single. time.

Just started watching
Sons of Anarchy.
Mixed feelings.
Want to learn to ride a
motorcycle now.
Thankfully I have
uncles and brother -in-laws
and even possibly a dad
who might be willing to help me

Pleasantly talkative people
making my day.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

This is so I
don't forget

I took a nap today
and at one point I woke up
and my son was in bed with me
to my right
but what woke me up
was the sound of heavy breathing
to my left

and I realized what it meant
in the longest half seconds of
my life

The breathing came from
the wrong side of the bed

and I could hear it
but my eyes were shut
and it was like my body
went insane
I couldn't open my eyes
and my skin felt like I'd gotten into
an ice bath.
and my left arm hurts now.

Long days
but probably not
pleasant nights

Monday, April 29, 2013

Dot dot dot

very occasionally
or more often
then sometimes
because I apparently have no
I listen to people talk
and I just want to
my eyes and ears
and writhe with anger and irritation.


are you inflicting
your opinions on me
unasked for
if I wanted to know
what you think
about these subjects
I'd ask
but I do know what you think
and you think like a person
who just has no reasonable
question the shots
question the things that can prevent diseases
but don't question the hormones that you are
ingesting to lose weight?
don't question that you are starving yourself to
lose weight
stop sending me emails by the following
anything catholic
dave ramsey
pictures of weeping eagles
things  you haven't looked up
on goddamn snopes
Don't tell me that because
none of your friends have been assaulted
and you haven't been assaulted
that the statistics are wrong
and that you shouldn't protect yourself
if you can
that one day I'll have more worldviews
and better worldviews and
why would  your friends tell you
if you wouldn't believe them anyway?
Why would I tell you if I was the one in three
or one in six that you know
because you might not believe me anyway
what if I tell you that of my friends
there's more than one in three
or more than one in six
what is wrong with you?

stop stop stop

Sometime I worry that
you'll see the real me
she'll get out
not even all of her
just a bit or a piece
that isn't bright and shiny
or isn't broken in the right way
and you'll see that the world
is so much bigger than you want me
to see
and I am brighter
and shine more
than you could ever imagine

and maybe,
just maybe
I'll stop rolling
my eyes.

Friday, April 26, 2013

This is odd, and i forgot to post it yesterday

I feel my life smoothing
into what could be called
a deeply pleasant routine
and I try my best to try to retain
the bits I really like but the next week
swings around and I can't retain it all so
I just try to make the next week as pleasant
as possible, since most happiness seems transient

One of the things
I look forward to
is being able to have my
piano in a room I can access.
I'm still incredibly basic as far
as playing guitar goes, and it is frustrating
and I'd like to be able to quickly practice and
get the music out of my head on an instrument that I
don't really have to think about, but comes rather easily
after years and years of practice. Or maybe it's just so I can
play Pianoman to myself.
What a pity I cannot waltz
and play the piano at the same time.

In the most recent episode of Game of Thrones
which I have not fully caught up on, don't judge
don't tell
there was a moment where my breath caught in my throat
and all I could do was stand from my seat and watch.
And last night
my mother in law asked me
did you see it?
And we spent the next twenty minutes
screeching over that one scene
because of the pride we felt
it makes me laugh
not in an antagonistic way
but rather that the feelings of
primal kinship come out
when one is screaming about dragons
and fire
and how women are meant to rule
and I enjoy how it turns to serious discussions
of inequality in the real world
but first
we give out primal screams
about dragons.

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Questions are what happens when I run out of inspiration

also known as
time to get out your guitar
because writing
is not cutting it

What would you name your future daughter?
Illyria Michaela
or Michaela Illyria
some sort of variation on Michaela
Both of those names will be involved
and she will probably keep my last name.
Strange thoughts.

Ever told "It's not you, it's me?"
I can honestly say that no one has
said that specifically to me. Different variations
probably, but it is a good thing no one has
said that specifically because I've had a dreadfully
inappropriate laughter my whole life and just
thinking those words makes me want to laugh

What am I looking forward to in the next week?
I don't have specifics for next week, honestly
but my birthday is in May so I'm a little excited
and horrified at the same time. I'm going to Vegas
in July and I'm looking forward to that. And I look
forward to Sundays because I get to spend them
with my friends and evenings, mostly, because I spend them
with my best friend, since my night job is no more.
Which is good for my sanity
but bad for my bank account.

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
Quite easily,
as long as I had access to tea and soda
I could deal without any sort of alcohol. I'd
be sad, because I recently discovered a margarita that
tastes like magic, but that's about as far as it goes.
I hate the taste of nearly everything and
the loopy feeling can be achieved with a lot
of other things.

Have you ever pretended to like someone?
I am laughing because this is the worst
question ever. Once I stop liking a person
or they become more trouble then they are worth
I don't pretend to like them. This only applies to
"eros"-love style relationships. For whatever reason,
my familial style relationships, I will deal with any sort of
bullshit. I feel like expounding on this could get me in trouble.

Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Depends on the circumstances. For the most
part, yes.

Have you ever cried, you were so mad?
Yes. Wow, I hate the idea of explaining this
one. But it generally only happens with people
I really really like.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
To a certain degree, yes. There are exceptions
and it is one of those things that requires that
I interact on a frequent basis with everyone in the
outside world. Since I end up at home a lot,
I've sort or let a lot of it go. I have kids.
Although I guess on that note, yes I am
because I have to be.

This particular set of questions
reminds me that I either need to find
or buy a hoodie.

I had dreams all last night
of Batman. It was really REALLY
weird. I was apparently
talking about Batman all last night
which is both funny and exceptionally

I love love love to cook
but the kitchen at the place I live at
is killing me, so I rarely cook here. I find
it depressing. It isn't mine and I violently despise it.
This makes me sad
because I miss cooking and baking
but it is just like this huge mental block and
I can't get it around it.
I can bake with my friends and it kind of works
but I still find that the kitchens of others makes
me a little twitchy.

It is spring time
and I want snow and
to know what it is like on a plane
and what vacations are like for adults only
and what the lights of Vegas look like
and I want to have my own kitchen
and go back to school
and have life be so much harder
but so much more fulfilling
the times
they are

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Short and Angry

Things that
make me crazy
include the sounds
of cats yowling
and dogs howling
and children crying.

Why does everyone
insist on sound so
fucking mournful
when they are anywhere
near me?
I do not demand
peals of laughter
or screams of
but something
incessant whining
and crying that
has nothing to do
with pain
and screams that
are simply a result
of demand with no
supply and a dog
who just won't be
would be nice
for a change.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Sitting in solidarity

There is
no way to see
the internal workings of my mind
these infernal devices
they scream and chidder
and shout
and laugh
so loudly
that I worry
that the people
around me may
hear what
I'm listening to
the earbuds
in my ears
are not to
keep you out
my friends
but to keep
the noises

Even on the days
where there are
a million voices
and the nights
where I can't sleep
and the meds take
forever to kick in
there are people
in my world
real live people
that when I'm feeling
lost and alone
I can ask them
to step outside with me
or can I go to their apartment
or can we go for a drive
and I'm talking to someone
who sees my face
or most of my true face
and loves me because of
and in spite of
and with
or most
because who sees
all the face
these days.

But the existence of
such people
fortifies my belief
in good things
and good people.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Big Places

I rarely
speak of this
but I'd love to travel.
I'm not sure why, but I
feel that my excessive irritation
with everything can partially be traced
to the stagnation of scenery. Everything has
been the same since I was six. Most family trips
were to the middle of Texas at the furthest. Once we
went to Colorado and it snowed. Two weeks of snow.
Some of the best weather I've ever seen or been able to
be around in my life. Bright and cold. I've always loved the snow.
It is fascinating and magical.

I'm not
really sure what
it is like out of the
South. The furthest north I've
ever been is Missouri once and that
was many, many years ago. Driving north west
in Texas last week was lovely- I could feel the thoughts
in my head slow down while I actually concentrated on the scenery.
The physical beauty of the land rarely strikes me, perhaps because I
live in a city that is shaped of more steel than land
but I saw the green and the blue and the red
and my mind was quiet for a little while.

Me and
my car are
not what you'd call
best friends. We are temperamental
at best, due to a long and storied back history
and mutual disdain for each other. It isn't correctable
at this point, but I assume it will probably get better as the
years and locations change, and probably once I get the air conditioner
fixed. But regardless, she gets me where I need to go. But it does what it
is supposed to do and I am appreciative of such things.

But all of this
is to say that it is a big
big world out there and on
days like today, where I feel sad
and empty and angry and lonely and
there isn't a whole lot anyone can do to
fix it, I look out the window and I swear to
the gods that this is not the only world I will ever

I do
not know when I will travel
but I swear
I will.

Monday, April 15, 2013


So, in
hopes of lightening my own mood
various blurbs about myself.

Things I have openly sobbed during
the end of Les Mis, a LOT of Battlestar Galactica
several Shameless scenes, multiple Taylor Swift songs,
twice during Once Upon a Time, because adoption story lines
make me horribly sad
Swan Song of Supernatural and the werewolf episode
the last ten minutes (or last two episodes, depending on who's asking)
of Six Feet Under had me borderline hysterical. Like howling levels of sad.
The end of Sherlock broke my face for about forty minutes.
My family knows not to bother me when I'm sadly watching Tangled
or that I need extra cuddles when that happens.
Oddly enough, Glee has made me cry more than once. But it's more
melancholy than actual bawling. Buffy and Angel and Firefly related stuff
actually anything by Joss Whedon automatically makes me start tearing up.
The worst was Sherlock and Six Feet Under and Battlestar.

I love finding people
I can talk books with.
They are few and far between
and so I cherish the conversations 
I have with people who love good stories.
I suppose it is why I have a tumblr,
there seems to be a high concentration
of people that just revel in love of stories
they think about it and scream and laugh
about it and simply ooze their love
for these stories
and doing that makes me
feel normal.

But on occasion
there are people I meet and
get to know and become friends with and
they text me "What book should I read next?"
and I smile and scream about their current 
and future books
and then on sunday
we drink tea and discuss Dr. Who. 
It makes my week or month, generally
these discussions. 
Because having a foot in both the adult world
and the child world
is hard
and having friends to hold my hands on both sides
keeps me loved and loving
and grounded.

I love to dance
but it is rare that I dance in public these days
I don't know why
maybe I need to branch out
from the kitchen and the car
because dancing there is fun
but lonely and
sometimes dangerous.

I love horror movies
and books
and stories
because they haunt me
even if they just contain various elements.
I love ghosts and monsters
and curses and zombies.
I really only truly dislike
any type of sea monster movies. Or 
if the horror element comes from the water,
I have a lot harder of a time watching it.
Or reading about it.
Sphere gave me the horrors for weeks.
I've never seen Jaws.
But just thinking about it makes me twitch.

I may or may not
have quit my job
in search of a new one.

The song Secret by the Pierces
gives me the creeps. Badly. Like, gives
me nightmares badly.

The soundtrack from the Hobbit 
and Lord of the Rings makes me tear up.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame
may be my favorite Disney movie. 
It is kind of a tough call for me. 
I have had a love affair with the music
for many years now.

"You can't take a picture of this, it's already gone."

I adorn myself daily
with the jewelry of a dead woman
partly because I don't want to forget her
and partly
because I don't want her to forget me.
I wear her on my hand, because I use them daily
for good or for evil
and on my ears
I want to hear the truths and lies that are
thrown at me daily.
Her wolves are on my walls
and my dreams are caught by her.

I mourn for her
and even if my beliefs
are all willy-nilly
I know that I
will see her again.

I started reading
The Sandman comics
by Neil Gaiman.
I know, I know
I'm incredibly late
to the game
but they are beautiful and
sad. I have trouble
describing it, because the stories are
intricate and dark and lovely and
ugly and
I love them.

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Can we rest?

"we may shine
we may shatter
may be pickin up the pieces here on after
we are fragile we are human
we are shaped by the light let through us
we break fast
cause we are glass."

The second
blurs in my memory a little
because of boxing things up
and pain and things not said or
things said but roads not taken and

But there was a boymanchildthing
who got me out of my chain mail and
pulled me out of class one day and it was
pouring outside. Simply pouring.
and pulled me into a green grassy field
and said
Dance with me.

I was not amused
at first.
I said
I do not want to dance
and get rained on
are you crazy?

And he said
dance with me,
woman. We don't get
many signs like these.

And because
how often, really
does he ask you to dance
and it is raining(!)
I said yes.

It couldn't have
been the hours it felt like.
I know people saw us because
they spoke of it later
speculating on the beauty of it
hoping to make me blush
and deny it
but it felt like he had written me a song
and we were the only people who had
ever heard it and would ever heard it.
We danced and our bodies fit together
like two pieces of a puzzle
and all the gas and fire and rage and frustration
was just.....quiet.
We were quiet and didn't speak
we just danced
and I will never forget how cool and quiet it felt.
How comforted I was by the presence of someone
who took comfort in the rain as well.

In my reptile brain
this memory is classified as
highly painful. So it fades
and seems blurry and beautiful
so any refreshers would be appreciated
because a reclassification is in order

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Dance Along the Line of Day

"Rain falls angry on the tin roof
as we lie awake in my bed."
~Edwin McCain, Overused Songs of the 2000s

There have been two
magical style dancing in the rain moments
in my life
moments that deserve to be on shows like
Dawson's Creek, One Tree Hill and
the like.

The first was in 2008 and
it had begun to rain.
One of my friends and I
had just snuck back on campus
after leaving to have lunch and whatnots
with a current boyfriend.
We were invincible,
walking through the parkin glot.
Nothing could touch us.
And it began to rain.
And we looked at each other
and took off our sweater vests until
it was simply skirt and shirt and shoes
and began to dance

We had no music.
We did not speak.
We simply moved.
We were feral and wild.
Several cars drove by
and then drove up into the parking lot
and watched as we danced.
We did not dance for anyone's titillation
but there was an enchantment nevertheless.

We danced until we were sopping wet
until our long hair was drenched
and we kept dancing anyway.
We danced alone and we danced together
and the rain kept falling.

I do not know how long
we danced for
and neither of us has forgotten that day
although we do not speak of it often,
because we know there was power there
moving between us.
There still is, on occasion,
but never so much as that afternoon.

That afternoon was magic
and there was sunlight
in the rain drops.


Days that I am
counting down towards
take the longest. I ceased doing
that many years ago, counting down days
until that certain event happens. I do better with 1-2 days
of preparation rather than weeks of stressing, even if it is excited
For the last week, my mind
has been a relatively pleasant
place to be around, or so says
everyone. I assume it is somewhere
between anticipation and the extreme
exhaustion that my job leads to. I don't know
what makes me feel more tired, dogs all night or
toddlers all day. Either way, though, doing it for days
in a row makes my brain turn to mush. It may be pleasant
for the people around me, because a lot less pisses me off outwardly
when I'm tired, but the reality is that all the hostility is just building.
The way of the personalHulk includes being angry all the time
it is just the learning to control it that is the hard part.

I am angry
I am complaining about
wanting to be solitary
and then complaining about being
lonely during my days and nights
but the reality is that being alone is not being alone
if there are 40 dogs there, or 2 toddlers, because
even if I feel horribly lonely
I cannot be alone
with all the barking and
the talking
and the screaming
and the squealing.
It is impossible.
But you can be alone
with another person.

Which is something I'm looking forward to
multiple times for the rest of the year.

This is not what I wanted to write about
but alas,
happiness and excitement
mixed with exhaustiveness and frustration
are not producing
good results.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

loves to dance

"Well my friends back home think I've
gone and lost my mind
take a sip of rum
and you really would know why
Jolly Roger flying on a picnic table
Blender in the kitchen
willin' and able
Don't know what makes you say
"What the hell"
But when the salt air catches a hold of
that sail
Something bout it makes you just wanna dance
and she loves to dance."

~ Kenny Chesney

I do
I love to dance
I've been dancing in kitchens
and living rooms since I can remember,
the earliest being around 1999 because
that is when that particular CD came out
and I was obsessed with it, as much as a little girl can be
and that is one of the first time I remember dancing by myself
along with the first time I danced with a man
I was six and he was my daddy and he taught me to two-step
at Eddie's Country Ballroom
on a side note
that place caught on fire 3 years ago
and I still haven't recovered
because I had my 16th birthday party there
and I learned to dance there.

Some of my fondest memories
center around dance.
One of the most awkward dance routines I ever did
freshman year of high school
choreographed with friends I didn't know I had
still makes me smile and laugh when I hear an Usher song
First dance in high school
felt an erection pressed against my leg
walked away quickly
got in a screaming match with my dad later
that makes me laugh to this day.
Three years of going to the Toyota center
a full day away from parents and with friends
full of costumes and hairspray
and practicing dances
and hearing music that was so brutal and raw
I wept the nights after.
Dancing in the kitchen
with a man who didn't care about
anything but me.
Dancing at my first prom
with a boyfriend
while falling in love with
another person who watched us dance
the whole time.
Dancing with my mom in the evenings
two-stepping around the kitchen while
avoiding the dishes after dinner.
Dancing at my last prom
with my boyfriend and
sweating all my makeup off
from laughing and dancing so hard.
Dance classes in high school where I sat
and laughed with my friends twice a week.
Dancing in the kitchen last week with my best friend
while we make cookies and bread to
Thrift Shop and Maroon 5.
Dancing in my kitchen with the kids
trying to wake myself up.

Because she loves to dance

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

I did
two night shifts
in a row.
What a terrible terrible
idea. Now I feel like a slightly
crazier version of an already deeply
disturbed me. Deeply disturbed me is
annoyed by my lack of sleep and my achy
body parts and can't seem to find a comfortable way to
sit down or lay down or stand or anything.

It is storming outside here
lightening and thunder that I can see
from my comfortable bed and feel the vibrations.
It is comforting and unnerving, all at the same time. Loud noises
and violent sensations mixing with the calming rain that I can't seem to hear
quite as much.

I have a friend
I want to call because
I see that he and his significant other
broke up and I want to know if he's doing okay
but I already took an ambien and I am freakishly tired
and I want to just take him to have lunch or something
where I can hold his hand.
Because when I call him and tell him my friend is being a dick
what do I do
 how do I fix things that I helped break
he calms me down
and when he's in pain
I hold his hand.

I'm back to counting down days
and that's okay.

Monday, April 1, 2013

To an Old Friend

When I think of you
I think of an empty mall
and shirttails hanging out over
khaki skirts
phone in front pocket
the way you paid for her
to get her ears pierced
because you were over age
and we were under age
and we needed an

And you kept asking me
if I wanted anything
if you could get me
as if gifts and shirts
and dresses
that I tried on
would make up for lost time
for days spent not talking
and nights where I missed
you so bad
I could smell you
on the air.

You were there
where we would dream
of each other
and then wake up the
next morning
and realize
same dream, dear.

Seems silly now

Best Buy and Target
will always make me smile
Although after,
my stomach hurts
because I know what
it is like to look at you
across a table
across a room
and not be able
to speak
your name
or hold your hand.

And I don't love you
like I loved you

We were the dreamers
way back when
we prayed to Mary and
you still answer the phone
and say
When I talk to you
which is rare
next to never.

And I pray for you
because living a lie
is hard.
I did it.
And it is so difficult.

She never read
the things you wrote to me.
Like next to nothing
I protected your words
like I protected my own

How have I known you
for almost a decade
and only have ten pictures
with you?
I have pictures from you
in orange bathing suits
and with old friends
but we are reduced
to one mall excursion
and a trip to Happy Lamp
and to be
a pink Dickies bag
that will never go out
of style.

I hope you light a candle
for the me that once was
because the death of her
is still hard for me to deal with
even now.

And I know it doesn't help
(I never could)
but I wish you
the best.

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Cat Gods

and I
find it very disappointing
that people don't ask me
What God do you serve?
I guess it is because they've seen me at church
or rather, that the Christian God is so pervasive that they
assume that we all worship the all knowing all seeing
perpetually angry and judgemental Abrahamic God.
That has to suck.

When I think about the god I serve,
I have to say
it is the God
of Cats.

And I say
this because when I see a cat
I have to stop and say hello.
When I see a cat, I ask
when did you get fed?
Who last pet you?
What can I do to love you
and have you love me?
It doesn't take much.
Cats can be cruel and capricious
which means fickle
for those you going to look it up
don't worry
I had to also
to make sure it went with
cat gods.

I don't currently own a cat
at least in the definitive sense of the word
And by those standards
I've never owned a cat. Most of them
have been marked 'Property of parents'
which is okay
but in the god sense of the word
I love all cats
and I haven't met one that hasn't loved me yet
and I like to think of it as loving all cats
and all of them loving me
and this seems a silly comparison
but the cat gods
need love on occasion
and food often and sometimes you trip over them
on the way up and down the stairs
and sometimes you don't see them for days
but when they love you
they sit on your shoulders and rub my hair
the cat gods bring peace
because when I see them, I smile
and the voices clear
and all I hear is "Love me."
and that is so simple.
Easy, breezy
and so so beautiful.

I like it when the cat gods
sleep with me. It has been a while
but you haven't lived until you've woken up
from a dead sleep in the pitch black with a weight on
your chest and eyes that shine at you from two inches from
your face.
it is fucking scary
at first.
But then you realize that your chest
is buzzing from the purring
and it is sweet
before the claws come out
and the tiny holes in your chest are bleeding
but to be fair
they mean love
and love is pain.

Sometimes when I'm at my parents house
the cat I don't own, but still love
brings me tribute.
I have received lizards
and bird heads.
In return, I sneak the cat any
meat I can find.
 I've sat outside for hours
talking to this cat.
He is ridiculous
and sleeps with a rottweiler.
I say he needs better friends
he says I better fucking scratch his head.
In my head, he has
an English accent.
I don't know why.
But I love how he purrs
and tries to sneak in my car
when I'm not looking
and he's been known
to sit his fourteen pound self
on my kids
and lick their faces
like a dog.

So if you come looking
for my god
come see the cats