Sigh

Days that I am
counting down towards
take the longest. I ceased doing
that many years ago, counting down days
until that certain event happens. I do better with 1-2 days
of preparation rather than weeks of stressing, even if it is excited
stressful.
For the last week, my mind
has been a relatively pleasant
place to be around, or so says
everyone. I assume it is somewhere
between anticipation and the extreme
exhaustion that my job leads to. I don't know
what makes me feel more tired, dogs all night or
toddlers all day. Either way, though, doing it for days
in a row makes my brain turn to mush. It may be pleasant
for the people around me, because a lot less pisses me off outwardly
when I'm tired, but the reality is that all the hostility is just building.
The way of the personalHulk includes being angry all the time
it is just the learning to control it that is the hard part.

I am angry
I am complaining about
wanting to be solitary
and then complaining about being
lonely during my days and nights
but the reality is that being alone is not being alone
if there are 40 dogs there, or 2 toddlers, because
even if I feel horribly lonely
I cannot be alone
with all the barking and
the talking
and the screaming
and the squealing.
It is impossible.
But you can be alone
with another person.

Which is something I'm looking forward to
multiple times for the rest of the year.

This is not what I wanted to write about
but alas,
happiness and excitement
mixed with exhaustiveness and frustration
are not producing
good results.