"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Flying and Friends, or flying with friends.

for the first time
is like a roller coaster
but a thousand times more

I hate roller coasters.
They make my hands shake
and my stomach hurt.
I don't feel well or safe for hours
after I've ridden one. There is
no room for them in my head.

But flying
is like five hundred roller coasters
as your stomach drops and you see
your line of vision shift
and you feel gravity change
but the wind doesn't hit your face
and you can hear people laughing around you
and the voices of your friends telling you
it is okay
we are safe
this is good

There is comfort in my friends.
We laugh about books and how the ground looks
different and we speculate about where we are and how
glad we are that the flight is only 3 hours long, tops.
We argue over what to drink on the plane and
I am grateful at how much they make me laugh
in the midst of new terror.
How looking through the Skymall magazine
makes things feel normal and joking about wanting
scotch at 7 am makes you Hemingway, and not even slightly
an alcoholic.
The taste of fear, when I'm with my friends,
goes from entirely bitter
to sweet and sour
because even though my stomach hurts
it is because I'm laughing with them.

We fill three hours up so quickly
because we laugh and we read and
complain about the horrors of technology
and on the way back, I'll order a drink
that will probably live in infamy as long as we are friends.
There will always be something
so homey
about travelling with friends.

Monday, July 15, 2013


New meds for a week
which means life has gone
from downward spiral and
upward climb
to perpetual low point boredom.

My desires remain the same
but more difficult to access,
damped, somehow, by
medications and disappointment
bad sleep and reality television
I am so tired
but why can I not sleep?

Why is there never a purring cat
when I need comfort?
Why is my room always a mess
and why is it always too hot or too cold?
Why is it so hard to be kind
to sleep well
to concentrate on anything that requires
more than a small percentage of my attention?

What is wrong with me?

Friday, July 12, 2013

I think the only thing
keeping me here
is you

Friday, July 5, 2013

Know You Better

"When you came in
the air went out...
I don't know who you think you are
but before the night is through
I want to do bad things with you."

When I think of you
I think of bubble tea
and roller coasters
and strawberry daiquiris in
the grass
the man who tells me I'm beautiful
whether it is a funeral
or I'm in the shower.

The Hurt by Johnny Cash fight
The way you make me laugh all the time
and how you let me steal all the covers.
The way you hug me when I cry over
anything from the real world to Sherlock
The way we do in depth analysis of everything
and how you get me to try everything
but never manage to get me sick.
how you know all my favorite things.
You are still my favorite Christmas present.

You don't really like Starbucks
but we ended up there anyway
and you love me even when
I'm the meanest of the mean.
We are still need to finish
Supernatural and Weeds and Dexter and Game of Thrones
and you introduced me to gaming
and desktops and ps3 and 3DS
and Mario.
You get all my quotes
and don't care about how pretentious I get
about literature and tumblr
and you can match my middle earth knowledge
You don't call me names
even when I call you names
and you rub my back
even when I complain incessantly about it.
You make me laugh until my stomach hurts

You could be the death of me
instead you are the life of me
and you tell me
You are worth all I have
and more
and hearing that
is worth all the poetry I could ever have.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Game of thrones

We watch Game of Trhones
and he says
can you imagine 
living in a world like this?

and I wondered
you mean a world
where murder is easily done
and accepted
where being a woman means
you are screwed
in every sense of the word
no matter what
where being a man can mean
damn near anything
where war happens at the drop
of a hat
a world where it is difficult
to discern good and bad
because everything is a million shades of
where winter comes for everyone?

But I said nothing.