Questions

New meds for a week
which means life has gone
from downward spiral and
upward climb
to perpetual low point boredom.

My desires remain the same
but more difficult to access,
damped, somehow, by
medications and disappointment
bad sleep and reality television
I am so tired
but why can I not sleep?

Why is there never a purring cat
when I need comfort?
Why is my room always a mess
and why is it always too hot or too cold?
Why is it so hard to be kind
to sleep well
to concentrate on anything that requires
more than a small percentage of my attention?

What is wrong with me?

This is so very ridiculous

On reading through my blog,
I find my introspection deeply annoying.
I find the me that I reveal painfully ugly and angry
and most of all, disappointing. She isn't who I always
thought she'd be. She remembers the worst of people and
rarely tries to look towards the better parts. I want to be the
girl who sees the better part of everyone, but in reality, I'm closer
to the person who will hold on to the crappy things you've said for the
rest of your life. The idea of me getting better isn't too promising.

There is
no place of rest
for me. Of course, there
is a bed, or a couch, but not
a place I call personally my own. I'm
quite adamant that this should happen, and
in my brain, I know that it will happen, in time,
but my heart yearns for a place to call my own. I only
had my own for a very little while before it was taken away.
That is not to absolve me of my own involvement in that particular
situation, and I take my share of responsibility, and possibly even more
but I mourn for my own place, I desire it and I yearn for it the way a lover
yearns for....lover-like things.

Getting this job
means battling the insomnia
the way I know how, getting out of the
house safely and making money and making my
dreams some sort of reality. I love the idea of this. I
feel like I contribute so little to my own future, and while
in my head I know that very little of that is based in reality,
having some sort of money in the pot feels like there's really some
skin in the game, as my father is fond of saying. And I have a game to
play. I want to go to school, hell, I want to teach at a school and I need
money and motivation and a little bit of crazy and a good writing technique
probably one that doesn't involve watching the shapes of my paragraphs develop
slowly with each word. I'm sure it will come to me any day now, if I just eat all my peas
and carrots and pray like a good girl. Regardless of my belief, or lack of a belief, in a great
space alien god, I shall persevere in my goals. Even if I get tired, or depressed or angry or sad
or I just feel miserable as usual, every step is a step taken toward where I want to go. Even days where
you do nothing means you are still breathing. Breathing is a necessary element to getting where you want to
go.

Desire of an awkward nature

While I was there

I saw him

and a sudden longing hit me

and there it was

the wanting of someone 

you couldn't have

it hovers there now 

trying to make me go down roads

my mind and heart don't want to

So I do what I always do

be hostile to the people

I've wanted

Being nice has never 

been easy when all I'm doing

is thinking of fucking your brains out

and so I gave him the finger

while he followed me around my car

and then he surprised me

before I drove away,

he came up and 

said, you should smile more.

Entitled, pretentious ass.

Who are you to tell me to smile?

Why should I be positive

when all I'm thinking about is pulling you

into some dark corner?
So I called him an ass
and he asked
do you really think that?
And I said, maybe not
maybe you just annoy me.

My body betrayed me today

and left my tummy feeling all odd

I can't tell if you are being an ass

or if you want me

or if you have some odd fetish for trying to 

control women

and make them smile.

I can't tell your intentions

but your rough hands and

the way we bat words around

makes me want you

flat stomach

and scruffy face

and you are caught in my mind

at least the way I felt for the next two

hours is.

It was a tough call

whether I wanted to punch you

or pull you to me.

But I can't.

This is embarrassing

and I don't like it

I've restrained

and trained myself to not feel sexual

except in certain situations

and stupid body,

now you go and do this.

argh.

go away