Thoughts in the dark

"Lost between Elvis and suicide
ever since the day we died
well, I've got nothing left to lose.
After Jesus and rock n' roll
couldn't save my immortal soul
well, I've got nothing left to lose."
~The Pretty Reckless

Sometimes
in what feels like the
oddest moments of my life
I think of taking your face in my hands
and kissing you, because you need so much
more love than you have or that I could ever
give you.

Only your face though
even in my darkest dreams
never do I bow down and worship you
And I'm never sure if it is because I think
I am too good for you
or if it is because I know
you are too good for me.

Every night since I've moved here
I've had dreams
most of them are Coven related
I assume
women in high heels
clicking
thocking
up long wooden staircases
worshiping
and cats
cats everywhere
sitting on my chest and on my pillow
and purring at my feet and
biting my nose.

That last part isn't a dream
but finally a reality
and tiny warm body who
purrs constantly and licks my face
and unfortunately meows all night
as well
(I am so sleepy right now)
but so very obviously loves me
and all the food I stand for.


My evenings these days are spent
making dinners and then watching
Breaking Bad
all in all
a pleasant way to live life

Only in Dreams Do things work out

Unless they are my dreams
which have recently featured
a great deal of blood and fear


Some days are harder than others
for instance
I got a message yesterday
that said
verbatim


Once a whore always a whore! Not only are you a fucking cow you also have no integrity or loyalty and you deserve every pound of your morbid obesity you slimy scum of the Earth!!!!
~Anonymous

As you might imagine,
this is fascinating to me. 
At first it was ugly and made
me very very angry
especially after seeing that I was 
not the only person in my family to 
receive such a message. It helped 
because it allowed me to pinpoint who
sends such things online.
 And now I know.
And after talking to a few friends
I still have no idea
of the why. And it pains me
and I don't know why.
As it turns out, I have not completely
divorced myself from giving a shit
what other people think.

It isn't nice to call people names
or try and mess with their relationships
and family.
It isn't very nice
at all.

I swear I'll stop obsessing about this soon
but 

In the words of Veronica Mars
"We used to be friends, a long time ago."
and to be honest
those words
haunt me.

This is so very ridiculous

On reading through my blog,
I find my introspection deeply annoying.
I find the me that I reveal painfully ugly and angry
and most of all, disappointing. She isn't who I always
thought she'd be. She remembers the worst of people and
rarely tries to look towards the better parts. I want to be the
girl who sees the better part of everyone, but in reality, I'm closer
to the person who will hold on to the crappy things you've said for the
rest of your life. The idea of me getting better isn't too promising.

There is
no place of rest
for me. Of course, there
is a bed, or a couch, but not
a place I call personally my own. I'm
quite adamant that this should happen, and
in my brain, I know that it will happen, in time,
but my heart yearns for a place to call my own. I only
had my own for a very little while before it was taken away.
That is not to absolve me of my own involvement in that particular
situation, and I take my share of responsibility, and possibly even more
but I mourn for my own place, I desire it and I yearn for it the way a lover
yearns for....lover-like things.

Getting this job
means battling the insomnia
the way I know how, getting out of the
house safely and making money and making my
dreams some sort of reality. I love the idea of this. I
feel like I contribute so little to my own future, and while
in my head I know that very little of that is based in reality,
having some sort of money in the pot feels like there's really some
skin in the game, as my father is fond of saying. And I have a game to
play. I want to go to school, hell, I want to teach at a school and I need
money and motivation and a little bit of crazy and a good writing technique
probably one that doesn't involve watching the shapes of my paragraphs develop
slowly with each word. I'm sure it will come to me any day now, if I just eat all my peas
and carrots and pray like a good girl. Regardless of my belief, or lack of a belief, in a great
space alien god, I shall persevere in my goals. Even if I get tired, or depressed or angry or sad
or I just feel miserable as usual, every step is a step taken toward where I want to go. Even days where
you do nothing means you are still breathing. Breathing is a necessary element to getting where you want to
go.

Day Five- To my Dreams

Dear Dreams,
Um, can we please please PLEASE get cheaper? I can’t afford you, fucking dreams! Well, I can, if I get an Associate’s Degree in nursing at a community college. But I’m not sure I can afford being a wife and a mommy AND get a degree in nursing. So if all y’all could say a prayer to whatever god you believe in to keep Megan strong in her dreams, she’d really appreciate it. It’s hard feeling like my dreams don’t matter any more. And they should. So stay alive, dreams. You are what I hold on to when life gets rough.

Megan