Players only love you when they're playing.

"listen carefully to the sound
of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat drives
you mad
In the stillness of remembering
what you had."

I paint my nails deep red
so deep
almost black
and it makes the movement of my hands
something I can appreciate
so even if I hate the face I see in the mirror
I can still pull apart the parts of the body
and figure out the ones I like.

the migraines aren't few and far between yet
but the meds work
and regardless, the cat makes me laugh
and I can have dark and quiet occasionally
which allows me to heal these strange internal wounds

Changin'

What if
instead of telling stories
my gift is telling lies?

My cat tells me
in purrs and loud howls
to give to her
ALL of my lap
not part, not just a leg
but ALL of the lap. Preferably with
both hands petting and scratching and lots
of kisses. She lets me touch her paws, all of them
and rub her chest and belly with impunity
She loves playing with her toys and
cuddling in bed and on the couch and everywhere.

These days I feel so very
pleasant, with wonderful cordiality towards
a great deal of man and woman kind. My
irritation is still easily stirred, but I am smiling more
easily now and getting along more with others and
I am significantly less sad.

The people here
know my name and laugh with me
and wave when I go by
and even though my instinct is to be unfriendly and afraid
I smile and wave back
and even come in sometimes and say hello

And remember what I was like
and who I want to be.

Every night since I've moved here
I've had dreams
most of them are Coven related
I assume
women in high heels
clicking
thocking
up long wooden staircases
worshiping
and cats
cats everywhere
sitting on my chest and on my pillow
and purring at my feet and
biting my nose.

That last part isn't a dream
but finally a reality
and tiny warm body who
purrs constantly and licks my face
and unfortunately meows all night
as well
(I am so sleepy right now)
but so very obviously loves me
and all the food I stand for.


My evenings these days are spent
making dinners and then watching
Breaking Bad
all in all
a pleasant way to live life

Things that Make me Happy

In living
with my own family
in my own place
means that I can eat what I want
and cook when I want
which I enjoy
and I figure out how much to spend on groceries
and when can I afford a cat
and I don't disturb anyone with my actions
and the only people who can disturb me are the ones
I choose to let disturb me.
I have my bookshelf by my bed
arranged in an indecipherable order
and I'm picking out art for the apartment.
I have a blue couch I picked out
that reclines, but is longer than I am
so I can sleep on it and it is beautiful and comfortable
and I have a garden tub, and I can take baths.
I can be me here.