"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Monday, December 31, 2012

In Which Les Miserables is the Focus of my Attention

To start out with,
there will be spoilers. SPOILERS.
This book has been around for over 150 years
There should be no such thing as spoilers, dammit.
I have read the book and performed some of the music
in a chorus but I did not know how the musical was performed
or which songs went where or with whom.
But essentially this movie ripped out my heart
The whole time.
Some of the death scenes were extremely violent
and while I am used to violence in the movies
it was disconcerting for people to be singing
and then killed quite viscerally.
It was very painful, but the camera never cut away
which made me wince and at several points
cry out.
I could guess who would die relatively early but it was still horrible
to watch.
Anne Hathaway proved herself to be a goddess.
Hugh Jackman was fantastic.
Russel Crowe did....well, he wasn't bad. It was somewhat
stilted, but I suppose his character wasn't supposed to be
all RAWR, because he was a soldier and a police officer and whatnots.
The religious and spiritual aspects were quite lovely. It was
more spiritual and definitely implied rather than a direct
doctrinal or biblical enforcing movie. I appreciated this.
All in all, it was quite lovely. Hopefully, I'll be able to see it a
few more times before it goes out of theater and I buy the blu-ray
and annoy the shit out of everyone I've ever known by playing
it constantly.
I loved it. YES. GO SEE IT.

Post-Christmas Insanity

Merry late Christmas
again, I suppose
Kindles and books and music
and happy little boys running around
everywhere, with toy cars and new socks,
trying to knock over Christmas trees
and every one is drinking the egg nog.
Three separate Christmases and one more
this weekend.
Today will be the quietest New Years Eve you can imagine
just being with him is the most pleasant thing
I can think of,
because it is quiet and pleasant
and just what I need right now.
I went and saw Les Miserables.
I cried about 10 times.
It is just so lovely.
I went this weekend to see extended family.
I only cried once.
Christmas wins.
Freezing, frozen Christmas wins.
Fortunately, my children were a huge hit
and my parents bought me two winter coats
which will make going outside a great deal easier.
In completely unsurprising circumstances
he didn't talk to me hardly at all last night.
I could over analyze it, but mostly I just assume he was tired
from staying up all the nights I was gone until 3 in the morning.
Are my feelings hurt? A little, but nothing is terminal
and to be fair, as soon as I got home, I went to go spend
time with one of my best friends. Across town.
For hours.
Because of all of these factors
I feel both less and more stressed.
I've done badly this month
in my writing.
Not enough.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas to all!
And to all, a good night.

Monday, December 24, 2012

You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you

I got this idea from an article on xojane, which was about vanity.
And how it is good to have some.
I prefer to call it self-love
but the idea is still the same.
I am really really fucking hard on myself
and I know lots and lots of people who are, as well.
So, in an effort to change that, or at least acknowledge
that there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo,
or at least in me,
here are some things I love about myself.

Starting with physically,
I have long legs. And good feet.
My nails grow quickly
and my eyebrows, no matter how much I pluck
them, always grow back thick.
The waxer says my brows are fantastic.
My eyes are green and I love that
but for the first 5 years of my life
I had the blue eyes of the firstborn male
of my family.
My freckles can only be described
as cute.
And my hair is always, always thick
with a hint of red amidst the chestnut
when I cry, my eyes go emerald green
like a dragon.

I can read faster than anyone I know
and retain content to an extreme
I am old enough to to know about sex
but young enough to blush on occasion when I talk about it.
I speak my mind and I've learned to argue well, even
when my eyes are watering and my face is turning red.
I have a hot temper and I drive well
and I almost always have a retort for every single thing
a person could say to me.
I love red and black clothes and nail polish
and when I hear a song, I see dance.
I love my kids
and I can almost almost
drink something with alcohol in it without wincing
but I can smoke cigars and not feel sick.
I write obsessively and compulsively
and I stay up at all hours of the morning

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I will sing and keep singing
until I die.
I have always known the words to these songs
telling me to live and love and learn the hard way,
telling me that this love is ours
and that all you are is mean
and that there's gotta be more to life

but also that I am a Man of Constant Sorrow.

My crimes are many and my sins, oh my sins
forgive us, o lord, our many sins
for they were delicious at the time.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

One of the Great Secrets of Adulthood,
as it says on Captain Awkward
I can say no
and I owe no one an explanation.
I'm still learning that
also, that website is the best
feminism, advice and what self love looks like
also, multiple stories of my life.

Wish I could find a million things to write about
or maybe a story
finding stories is my delight
but it is so difficult
more difficult
the whole world is made of fairy tales it seems
and music
and love, maybe.

This day has been freakishly long
I am pretty tired
and I have played a lot of Darksiders 2
And it is a gorgeous
and visually pleasing game.
But since I suck at most games that
you don't play on the computer
I'm having a hard time getting through it
I know I know
call me a whaaaambulance.
And by saying that, I have accidentally triggered the
part of my brain that sings
That's nice.

Boy, I'd like a drink.
Something to take a little bit of an edge off.
Long days and pleasant nights.
at least hopefully.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

This day has been a mix of
cleaning and being very tired.
My eyes are blurry nearly all the time
making it hard for me to do nearly anything
I feel super tired
and horrible.
Yay me.

Christmas this year should be interesting.
My introverted self is seeing a great
deal of people, which is making me very very
Fortunately, I'll have a few days after Christmas
to myself, kind of.
Granted, I don't know if my husband will be home
any of those days
but I will figure it out
I always do.

"You will find that it is necessary to let things go;
simply for the reason that they are heavy."
I'm starting to do that.
I take on too much
I ask for too much
I say yes too often.
And now I am tired
because my no isn't taken seriously.
I've spent too much damn time wishy-washing all over the place.

I am so tired of all this.
So so so so tired.
so next year
I'm done with caving
and giving in
and saying no when I mean yes
and yes when I mean no.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Happy Birthday, Love.

Hi you
So it was your birthday a few days ago
and I feel like the worst person ever
because I didn't get you anything.
Even though I gave you fifty dollars
and you said that was okay
I feel like it isn't.
And you won't tell me what you want
for Christmas
and it is upsetting me
because even if I don't have money
I want you to be happy.

And that is what it comes down to
More than anything in my life,
I want you to be happy.
More than my own life.
And you piss me off sometimes
and you break little bits of my heart
in ways that I never thought possible,
but that is the truth of it.

We are best friends and
I've had many of those and
I know that means pain to some degree
because you know me well enough to hurt me
but also well enough to love me
more than anyone.

You love me when I'm sweaty
and when I'm gone the majority of the day
and when I steal your socks
and your 3DS
and when I don't want to play
with you.
And when I'm angry at the kids
or you
and you make me smile
and sometimes you stand outside the shower
and talk to me while I wash my hair.
And deal with my weird questions
and my constant music
and for a long time
 you dealt with my various hostilities
with extreme finesse considering who I
Was being difficult with.

You are my perfect mix of man
and child.
We play together and work together
and I enjoy that.
Try not to be so hostile
and I'll do my best not to
as well.

I love you
and Happy Birthday.

Friday, December 14, 2012

A Tragic Fairy Tale

Once upon a time
there was a pretty girl
who watched a young man while
they were in school together.
They were in Pre-calculus
and she sat next to him every day.

And since she had been mean and hateful
to him every day for the last two years,
he spent at least two months doing his best
to put her down and be mean to her
which was easy
because she was terrible at math
and he was fantastic at it.

But one day, she looked at him
and saw a person in pain
and he looked at her
and saw a person instead of an annoying
angry something or another
and they became almost-friends.
This was one of the only classes she had with him
because he got good grades
and she did not.

So they became friends and
baited each other and shoved each other
and he noticed when she failed every test
and she noticed when he spent all of class
playing on the calculator.

One day, she asked him if he'd ever been kissed
and he beat around the bush for a few days
while they talked and messed with each other
but at the end of the week
he caught her in a corner and pushed her up against a wall
and kissed her.

That was his first kiss.

That was how their story began.

They were not kind to each other at first.
They hurt each other and told each other
about the people they liked and the fun they'd have
over summer and how much their parents would hate
each other.

But eventually, gradually,
she fell for him
and he for her.
And the whole school was scornful
but generally not surprised, because isn't it always
everyone else who notices these things?

The halcyon days were there for a while
Life was relatively good
and they worked and played well together
which was surprising, given practically everything about them.

But one day she decided he wasn't good enough
or that she wasn't good enough
and decided to go.
And she not only broke it off with him
but she lost her best friend
because she chose to.
She broke him.

The end.

I wrote this today.

" One of my favorite days was a December day
 where I went and played paintball all day.
 It was crisp and cool and all of my friends
 were there and we were all disgusting and
muddy and at one point, my gun clogged so
 I was running around throwing paint balls at people,
 but it was just so lovely. Afterwards, thirty of us went
 back to the house and ordered pizza. Everyone had
 stripped down but we were all so tired, and beat up
 (paintball can cause HUGE bruising), it didn't matter.
 We all laid down on the floor and ate pizza and watched
 movies. I loved how I felt like I belonged. Moments like that
 stick in my head and I love them. It was three years ago.
I long for a day like that. Maybe next year. Maybe I'll
try that for my birthday. "

I love how this came out.
This is truth.
That day was cold and crispy.
I rode in my then future brother-in-law's
new truck.
I wore combat boots and army issued
camouflage pants.
My husband refuses to believe it
but he is a leader and I saw it that day. He
shows it in a hundred tiny ways during our normal
boring life
 but I saw it so clearly that day
and I wondered for a brief moment
if I was holding him back.

I saw a clear vision of a possible future
that day
and it made me aspire to be like that possible future him
even if that future wasn't mine.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I had a migraine yesterday
it made the world feel so hostile
it was insane.
Noises became painful
and light was the enemy.

Fortunately, sleep and water and
medication prevailed
and relative sanity has been restored
to my body and my brain.

Not that there was a whole hell
of a lot to begin with. It is nice to have
all the parts functioning well.

We now have a WiiU. I'm glad he
likes it, because I have so much trouble learning
new gaming systems. Grrr. But I'm happy if he's happy.
Thankfully, he isn't hard to please.

It has gotten cold in the last few days. I
am enjoying it a ridiculous amount. I still haven't smoked my cigar
but I will. Someday!

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Sherlock and Hamlet

After watching Sherlock
I understand why there are so many
fans that love this show.
because after watching it all the
way through
all I want to do
is watch it again.
It is deeply, deeply thorough
Beautifully written
Lovely characters
makes me remember
reading these books in high school.
I regret that I did not appreciate them
at this level while growing up.

It reminds me of Hamlet,
which was difficult for me to read
and then translate into what was happening
because I could not see it
but after watching the first fifteen minutes
of Hamlet with Kenneth Branagh
I understood what was happening and why.
That was where it clicked and after that
King Lear, and Much Ado, and Romeo and Juliet
and Midsummer, and the Tempest and Othello
were much easier to understand
to read straight through
because I understood how the story was written
the hows and the whys
and they became much clearer

Friday, December 7, 2012

Today is today
it has been long
and difficult
and I need both a drink and
a break.

or a cigar.
A cigar would be nice.
It is near cold enough
for one.
I have at least three I could smoke
plus an entire box that is his
but that he'll share

sometimes I am reminded of
how i fell in love with him
and why,
and how he dances with me
and what that does to me
and how he makes me smile
the way we work and play together
and how mutually frustrated we are
And how he listens to the things I love
even the teeny weeny leather bikini loves
and the dragon earring loves
these things are important to me
and so he makes them important to him.

I am so thankful for ibueprofen
makes the headaches slow down
all the tightness loosens.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Oh today

" I confess to almighty God
 and to you, my brothers and sisters
that I have sinned through my own fault
in my thought and in my words
through what I have done
and what I have failed to do."

I confess
that the majority of the time
I do not know if I believe in God.
I believe that there is some higher power
but I doubt it is only limited to a
Christian belief.
But I sing in the choir at my church any way
because there is power in the
kyrie eleison
and because
there is no where else to cultivate
the music that lives
somewhere in me.

I confess
that I hate the way people look at me some
Like I am a pretty head
on a fat body.
And I am, I am overweight
and I like to eat
and drink
and laugh loudly.

I confess
that feeling tipsy saturday night
felt so good
I laughed so loudly
and had trouble walking straight
even in flats
but it felt good
and made me forget

I confess that even if
I don't believe in the words of the Mass
I hear these words in my head
when I sleep
because 21 years hearing them once a week
will make them stuck.
and I don't think they are perfect
or good
or right
but I hear them anyway

Friday, November 30, 2012

Darlene part 1

it's me.
I don't know if you would recognize me
but if you were still here
I like to think we would be friends
and you would have helped me tell my parents
I was pregnant
and you would have helped me dye my hair
for the first time
and given me this bear ring
that I haven't gone without for
around 7 years.

If you were still here
you would have been the first
person I would have called
after I graduated
after I broke up with every one.
after having sex for the first time
after finding out I was pregnant.
after he proposed.
I would have called you today
when the kids were driving me crazy
no matter where you were.

And you would have come down
for my wedding
standing next to Uncle Ron
in his suit
when I saw him for the first time
as the biggest wedding present I got.
The older I have gotten
the more I have missed you.
And every wolf and dream catcher I see
makes me think of you.

I'd call you today to tell you
how annoying the weather is
because it is cold for two days
and hot for ten more and
honestly, I wish it would just be damn cold in the winter
it would be a lot more straightforward and I could just figure out what
to wear more easily.
I would tell you what extremely weird tv shows
I am watching for now
and how much it sucks
living in this body
how much you loved the
phantom book by
susan kay

I miss you.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

If I never Knew you

In my head
we sit next to each other
not talking too much
and maybe discussing what sushi we want to order
how long was the drive?
He always complains no matter what
so I just smile
and we order various things
and talk and pretend like we barely know
each other
because it is pretty hard to
ignore four years of history
even with all the pain.

You will probably make fun
of what I order
no matter what it is
and I'll touch your hair
as much as possible
but we'll avoid skin contact
and eye contact
and we'll scream about how much
we love the birthday girl
because that's what we are there for, right?

I don't know how painful
the day will be
I am a little afraid
and a little excited
and then
you might not be there
and then what was all this for?

Why is it that in my mind
I see you as kind
but when I see you for real
we can't.stop. hurting.

" So you were never a saint
and I loved in shades of wrong
we learn to live with the pain
mosaic broken hearts"

"of course. i miss you."
"would it really be so bad seeing me?"

We tried our hardest to be together
for years
and then we threw it away so quickly
it was like tripping.

I wonder what it is like for
the people who are just friends with you
who have never looked at you and
been in pain
who have never steadfastly looked down their parents
and did not give up every freedom she had
every six months.
I wonder what it is like to look at you
and never have loved you.

I often think it might be easier
but then where would I be?

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Tiny thing that broke my heart

my husband and I fight,
like hard-core fight
maybe once every two weeks or so.
And it can get ugly, but it tends
to resolve itself so we end up letting it go.

But I want to say around a week ago
we got in a fight
and before I explain it to you
here are some facts of life

I hate 3D things. It feels like it is flying at my face.
I hate whales. This stems from a very very young
viewing of Pinnochio and the whale from it (monstro)
in both the disney and the european (?) version
are firmly cemented as things of terror in my mind. I also
hate murky water and sharks.
The Life of Pi commercial has a whale at the end of it. It looks like
it is coming at the screen. It also involves a storm with murky waters.
I've also seen this commercial about 5 to 6 times all the way through.
Also, I feel physically ill when I see whales.
All of these things my husband knows.
Also, we both have 3Ds'. I use mine a lot less than he does.

So, in that light, a week ago, he handed me his 3Ds
and tells me to watch this video, it is really cool!
I get about 15 seconds in only to realize it is the Life of Pi trailer
and I start to get really REALLY pissed. I mean
it isn't like I haven't told him MULTIPLE times
about the paragraph above.
So I shove it back at him, because I don't want to see
this commercial.
He starts yelling at me, saying that the whale is only in
the last 20 seconds.
I started yelling at him, asking him if he's forgotten all my other issues.

This fight ended with him asking me when I could go back to therapy
and then saying he was sorry I had so many issues.

I don't think he has any idea
how long those words have stayed with me this week.
I'm pretty sure that in my mind I'll be hearing those words
for a long time.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

On my mind

I know that there is a part of me
that will always love you
but I also know that we were toxic
and that we were toxic.

I have no idea if we will
ever be able to be friends
read friends.
I doubt it though.
You told me I got fat.
And so what if I did?
How dare you comment on my appearance?
Your lack of a filter is something
I've always loathed about you.

If only there was a way
I could block your voice from
my head
your hands
from my minds' eye.

But alas,
you are still there
in the moments I wish I was alone.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Lady Knight

My first introduction to feminism
was a series of books by Tamora Pierce
named Protector of the Small. I want to say
that I read them around 2002? Maybe 2003.
I would have been around eleven or twelve.
After devouring these four books
I went back and read the Song of the Lioness quartet
and the Immortals Quartet. All twelve of these books take place
in the same time/space area.
2 years later I read the Tricksters duo, which
takes place in that 'verse. I still have not read
the most recent books, which are apparently called the
Beka Cooper series.

In any case, while reading these, my views of
the world were formed. These are incredibly good
books, and as an avid reader of Arthurian legend, these
satisfied my cravings and cemented my firm belief
that women make fantastic knights and that reform is
possible, even in a highly problematic culture.
There are many, many female characters here, without
tropes or the virgin/whore dichotomy constantly present.
Sex can be enjoyed, even non-marital sex. These books are

The Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia Wrede were and are
and favorite of mine. The King of Dragons could be female, the witches
were fun and engaging and the princess offered to fight the damn
knights herself if they would not go away! All four books are hilarious,
well written and definitely feminist in their portrayal of brave princesses,
smart knights and incredible witches. One of the books is written in
first person, which is difficult to pull off, however, the author does
it spectacularly!

These books were hugely informative to my early years and I
am so so greatful to these authors who wrote books that made
me want to be a Lady Knight.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

150th Post

In honor of this being my 150th post, which is crazy, I'm going to write something that will probably make me lose sleep for a while. I'll be writing about my top fears and what I believe is the underlying causes and whatnots of them. I struggle with them still these days.

So to start off,
what inspired me to write about this was a recent movie I saw called Sinister. I have the ability to push back most thing that scare me but this movie in particular has been really REALLY chapping my ass. In any case, it definitely brought some of my more primeval fears to the surface.

To begin with, a striking white face with dark deep set eyes is
always a terrifying sight for me. Since the main villain fits this exact description,
I had a horrible time watching the movie without screaming every two seconds
and hiding my face the whole time. Oh, yeah. Super brave.

In line with this, I find water to be fascinating and terrifying at the same time. I love how water feels, I'm very comfortable being under the water for long periods of time, however I have limits. I love pools and most clear bodies of water. I feel very very uncomfortable around dark or murky bodies of water. I've had two near drowning experience, both of which made me very afraid to be in a pool with other people. It takes a lot of trust for me to feel okay being near to anyone while in a pool. I can generally keep my cool around pools, at least outwardly. But walking by a lake makes me feel shaky and afraid.

In relation to this, I am deathly afraid of sharks and whales. There are exceptions, which are pretty weird, as I love killer whales but am afraid of blue whales. I think all this results from the damn Monstro Blue Whale Thing from Pinnochio when I was little. Horrifying and horrified. I hate things with dark eyes and big pointy teeth and wide open mouths. I'm writing this during the day so I don't have to freak out the rest of the night.

I am afraid of clowns. This has been real since I was around three. I have always known what the Pennywise Tim Curry clown looks like, but I only saw the movie this year. I screamed a lot until he turned into a spider. I loved the book. It is fantastic but I am terrified whenever I read it.

Darkness is frightening to me but I find that I am able to walk around in it quite well. I have some anxiety but it isn't too bad.

150 posts. Now, onward to greater things!

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Painful Memories

"Now we're standing alone
in a crowded room and
we're not speaking
and I'm dying to know
is it killing you like it's killing me?
I don't know what to say
since the twist of fate when it all broke down
and the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less
but I liked it better when you were on my side."
The Story of Us by Taylor Swift

I cannot count the amount of times
I have felt exactly like this damn song.
Every time I play it, I am shot back to
my best friends graduation when I saw my
ex boyfriend there. My mom was there and
she saw him and I couldn't even look at him
with her there but all I could see was him
and it was horribly painful, because all I wanted to do
was walk up to him and hug him and tell him how much I had
missed him over the last 8 months. How hard it was to break up
with him and how much I missed talking to him all the time
and how weird and difficult high school was without him
to talk to. How after four years, his arms still felt like the home I
always wanted, But instead I stared off to the side
and my mom watched me and I called him later and said
that I was sorry for how weird that night was. I think I stared
at the ceiling as much as possible and he did his best not to
look at me too much.

I want to say that was the last time that I saw
him in a public setting. I am pretty sure we've seen each other
since then. But it was the last time we were in public with
each other.
The memories of that night bring me so much pain. I had to
get in the car with my mom and pretend that nothing had happened.
That I wasn't screaming internally and feeling emotionally bruised.
That there wasn't years of memories that were painfully flashing through
my mind that ride home. That I wasn't remembering every kiss
every car ride, every le Madeleine's meal, every hair cut and hand hold,
every letter and message and IM and phone call.
But instead, I was quiet on the way home and went to bed
and my mom praised me for conducting myself so well that night
and not showing him anything.
and I was proud of myself for about ten minutes
and then I went upstairs and cried myself to sleep
because I was going to graduate soon as well
and because I had to be strong
and not go there again.

Just in case you read this
(I know you do sometimes)
I remember you
I miss you sometimes.
I am sorry we never saw the
light of day.
We were perfect for that time.
Romeo and Juliet
but then we died. And I know that I don't want
to re-animate the dead
but the memories make me smile
and weep for what we once had.
I hope one day that you
are as happy as I am.
Preferably without children though
because that mental image is a deeply disturbing one
but with lots of cats.

Wreck it Ralph

Just had a fantastic date.
Saw Wreck-it Ralph with my favorite person
and it was cold outside
and we held hands and
ate good food
and got coffee afterwards
and I felt all warm and fuzzy like
I rarely do
and it was wonderful and pleasant.

The quote from the movie that I liked best was
the Bad Guy 'Serenity' prayer of sorts
"I am bad and that's good. I will never be good
and that's not bad. There is no one I would
rather be than me."
Fantastic writing and lovely animations
lots of laughs and a few awww moments
which I liked. Very clever.
Jane Lynch, as usual, outshone everyone and
her best line was
"It looks like Doomsday and Armageddon just had a baby. And it is ugly." She
was by far the funniest, smartest, baddest ass character.
Definitely want her hair, attitude and just general awesomeness.

Wintertime reminds me of falling in love.
The cold reminds me that there were times
when I wanted to hold his hand
that walking around with her made the darkness
feel romantic and not scary.
There were leather jackets whose pockets I
snuck my hands in
and times when I went to Starbucks and had
tons of coffee.
And walking around Town Square with them.
In the cold I fall in love.
And in this cold I fall in love with him
all over again.
And it feels good.

Friday, November 16, 2012

The first time I watched the show Merlin
was while I was living at the apartment
with my husband and children.
I loved it.
It is a 'family' show, so there is violence but not
too gory
and hardly even any innuendo
which can be annoying at times
because you want badly for certain characters to get together
however it is funny and sweet and pleasant
and the newest season just came out on Netflix
so I'm re watching it before I watch the latest
season. Parts of the beginning are annoying
but I'm still enjoying it. The angry men
and the slightly homoerotic subtext
(yes, I'm looking at you too, Supernatural)
the beautiful costumes, the incredibly smart women
the times where I scream STOP IT UTHER STOP IT.

I am dreadfully tired, as usual. I enjoy how
the winter feels
but I am not a fan of early darkness
it gives me the willies
and it isn't even six.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

So my holiday blues have become
and red and green
because I behaved like an adult
and everything was talked out quite well
without screaming or crying and it all worked out
quite pleasantly, at least in the plans for
So there went my major anxiety, which is nice
because my sanity was shot straight to hell there
for a couple of hours
and so now it is late at night
and I am on Ambien
and therefore am very very tired

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Holiday Blues

I have been having some trouble writing over the last month.
My word count is way down and all I can think about writing
is how depressed I feel, which is very, but it is still an extremely limited
thing to write about. I feel like there is really only so much
you can write about as far as feeling depressed.
But once again, here I am, trying to write about it
and feeling stilted as fuck.
I feel depressed nearly all the time.
It is the holiday season, which is what I consider
Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Years.
I haven't liked this season for a very long time.
Now don't get me wrong,
I like the cold because it is so rarely here in this area
I like the new Starbucks flavors that aren't really new
like peppermint and pumpkin and gingerbread.
Sometimes there is even extra time with my husband
which is lovely and rare
and there are sparkly decorations
and delicious food
and my uncontrollable urge to buy bottles and bottles
of sparkly grape juice
which I then drink in beautiful champagne glasses
or straight out of the bottle, like the
classy fucking lady I am.
And generally there is turkey and gravy
and root beer, all of which I deeply enjoy.

But this year, there will be a Thanksgiving without
my husband
and a Christmas without
my husband
and probably not a New Years without
my husband
and I hate that I have to play divorced person
between my parents and my husband
and his parents.
Because honestly, at this point?
I like my husband most days
I like my parents most days
and I like my in-laws most days
and I'd like my kids to have pleasant holidays
ones where mommy doesn't feel like recharging by being
by herself all the time
and ones where she isn't exhausted by the end of the
holiday time
and ones where everyone can just
shut the fuck up
and play nice for a few hours a fucking day.
Which only happens twice a year
plus my and the kids birthday
which is four goddamn times a year
we all have to shut the fuck up
and pretend we like each other.
and as someone who went to high school
and spent ALL YEAR
with people she had to pretend to like
multiple ones
with only three months a year I could avoid them
I don't understand how you can't just shut up and fake it
three times a year
for me and my kids.

And someone told me on Sunday that if
she couldn't  have me for 4 hours on Thanksgiving
that she didn't want me at all.
I don't know how to respond to that
I didn't, though. I just was like....okay
thanks for letting me know
because I am tired of being the one
who says sorry
and caves
and then feels horribly guilty for spending time
with her kids and husband
rather than her kids and parents
or vice versa
because no matter what I do, I feel guilty,
so one year, I am going to go on a vacation for these weeks
and then everyone will be disappointed
but I will be alone
and I won't be disappointed because I'll be doing what is
good and right for me.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Rage face

Five days since writing a post.
I'm having trouble doing things
or keeping up with stuff in general.
I'm not happy
at all.
I feel flat
and upset a lot,
I don't have very much patience
and I'm very tired.
I need some quiet time somewhere
But I can't seem to find it very well.

I have crafted a rage face
over the last seven years
and it is built from every time
I have felt afraid walking to my car
or some asshole has told me to smile
or that one time, someone told me he'd like me
to sit on his face.
Screamed at me on a trip to San Antonio
while I was standing on a street corner
with my husband and our two friends
or when a man follows me three quarters of the way
over to my car
only to notice the knife in my hand
and the look of crafty intent on my face.
Or the various people who have grabbed my hair
or while I was pregnant, found it necessary to touch
my belly without asking permission.
my rage face is a necessary evil.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I feel like I lose everything.

For instance, I lost my kindle when I moved.
 I know it is in a box somewhere,
 because I packed it..
I remember it.
But, we weren't moving any time soon,
 and I needed something to fill my incessant need to read,
 so I switched to my husbands' touch pad,
 as he wasn't using it all that much any way.
 I lost it two weeks ago between the living room
and the bedroom and
I still can't find it.
It is making me crazy.
It doesn't seem to bother my husband
which also is making me crazy, because
now I feel super guilty
but I am resolved to find it today
if I have to completely raze my room
to find the damn thing.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

The Walking Dead
has been pissing me off for quite a while
but last episode broke my heart
into a million little pieces
Rick, you shamed Lori into keeping her pregnancy
never forgave her or reconciled with her
even when she tried
and now she's gone

I am super tired these days...
It is pretty hard trying to keep my kids in some
sort of semblance of order
and hang out with my husband
and have friends somewhere
and hope that we move out at some point
and that one day we'll have a home that
I don't have to share with multiple other people
and hope that I can get a job at some point
and lose weight
and not feel so hopeless all the fucking time.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

"And I know it's long gone
And there was nothing else I could do
And I forget about you long enough
To forget why I needed to

'Cause there we are again, in the middle of the night
We're dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there, I remember it all too well

And maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much
But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up
Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

And you call me up again just to break me like a promise
So casually cruel in the name of being honest
I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here
'Cause I remember it all, all, all too well."

~Taylor Swift, All Too Well

So i got the new Taylor Swift Album
which is called Red.
And as usual I got the deluxe edition
and I love it pretty much all over the place
and like I have for the last few albums
I love about half 
and it will take about a month longer
for me to love every song.
For the most part though
I love the songs
they are sad and lovely
and speak to the heart
which is pretty much why I listen to Taylor Swift.

It also makes me melancholy 

Friday, November 2, 2012

Painful memories tonight
Because I hate everything and
everyone. Which is another way
of saying how isolated I feel currently.

I remember sitting
on a couch after someone left
multiple times for days
because the couch still smelled like
him after he left. It lasted for months
and kept me together
like glue.

I remember the coach hitting on me
And trying to figure out
Are you a student?
Is this allowed?

I remember that he used to complain to me
About my lack of communication skills
Which retrospectively feels hilarious
Because I never. Stop. Talking.

I remember him sleeping with someone
The same day we broke up
And how I know this?
Because the next day I called him
To try and get back together
That was a weird feeling.

I remember wanting someone so badly
It hurt when I couldn’t have them
But theoretically, I could have.
I still to this day
Have no idea
Why I said no
If I just got tired
Or if I never truly believed in us to begin with.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Sea Food

A weird thing about myself
I love seafood
I love fish
mahi mahi
I love crustaceans
I love mollusks
I have an odd obsession with it
and if I can have it
I will,
beyond almost anything else
seafood and pasta are my favorite
with seafood and salad
and seafood soup
especially gumbo and clam chowder
and sushi is food for the gods
and I haven't been able to eat it
for the last 8 months
because the medication I've been on has
been making my body intolerant to seafood
which was horribly frustrating
for someone like me
for whom sushi is a treat
and chowder is comfort food
but the comfort food started turning
my tummy into the room of pain.
But the medication wore off this month
and I tried sushi
and for once I didn't spend the next few hours
feeling like I was dying.
and since that was about a week ago
I haven't had much sushi
or anything else that I love
oh cajun food, you are calling me
but I cannot have you for a while
because I am trying to slow down
and also I have no money.

Day after Halloween

On the day after Halloween
there is candy everywhere
and bits of costumes scattered all over the house
and pumpkin buckets everywhere
and Halloween consists
of sending pictures to everyone
and alternately loving and hating your own costume
massive headaches
and cookies
and costumes everywhere

I'm sad it is done
because I didn't do everything I wanted to,
but I'm glad I got to do what
my kids wanted
and my husband wanted
and there's always next year.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

There's a box
that I've had since I was
fourteen years old
and it is full of letters and
love letters I never sent
love letters people gave me
and goodbye letters
a few IDs and photos
that pain me to look at
and drawings
poetry that a man once
wrote to me
or about me
because thankfully
my last name was easy to rhyme with.
There's a letter from a man who claimed
I was the love of his life
and that he would never want any one
else, even though I'd broken his heart.
I don't know if that is still true
but I hope it is not.
There are notes between me and
my friends, because once we were in
our final year of high school
all we did was pass notes and
talk about everything and sometimes
I kept them and put them
in the big brown cigar box
because one day there will be a book
but for now, there is a box.
I keep the painful memories,
along with the beautiful ones,
locked in a box
or alternately on files
with strange names.
I really should print them out and put them
in the box, too.
Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
I haven't put anything in the box
in eight months
and that means that sometimes you
have to have hard copies of things that
made you cry
and that is what the box is for.
You can open it for an hour
and be entertained
or horrified
or just to remember love
and then close it.
and it will be gone until you decide to bring it back.


Things that stress me out or scare me
aka a list post.

scary movies
religious discussions
swimming in anything but a pool
walking to my car in the dark
writing on my blog
putting in two pairs of earrings
wearing gold jewelry
whenever my phone rings and it isn't one of about 6 people
putting on clothes for the day
getting out of bed.
discussing medication or medical anything with most people
football. watching it or discussing it.
calling people out on sexist/racist/homophobic stuff
explaining that you can enjoy things and still view them as problematic
when my kids fall down.
going to court tomorrow.
cooking on occasion
getting stuck somewhere without a phone

Sunday, October 28, 2012


Remembrance of fall and winter to me is
Salted caramel
and peppermint.
Wintergreen taste and smells
like new love.
Warm coats and
holding hands for warmth.
Wearing tights and boots
laughing as my breath
turns to smoke.
Missing the smell of chlorine
but driving with the windows down.
Remembering old loves
mixed with new loves
walking around with friends
getting coffee and loving the
heat of it.
The feeling of warmth inside your
as the cold tries to seep in
Keeping my hair down
trying to keep my neck warm.
Michelle branch always in my cd player.
Making cookies
and wrapping presents.
Smoking cigars with sweet smelling
Hoping that family stays happy
this year
but knowing my friends will stay the

Saturday, October 27, 2012


“I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand ; the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep; there are no words for that.”

― Brian AndreasStory People: Selected Stories & Drawings of Brian Andreas

Terrifying moments in my life include
the times I have almost been caught
the times I have been caught,
changing into a leather barbarian outfit
suspecting I was pregnant,
waiting for the test to be done
2 minutes until my life is changed,
one way or another,
when the doctor came in and said
yes you are pregnant
when they said,
oh my gosh
and waited a full damn minute
to tell me it meant twins.
when I had the spinal epidural
and it hurt
but then I couldn't move
when they opened me up on the table
and my chest started to hurt
no one told me what was going on
and I was terrified.
When i first saw my twins
life was changed
radically and terrifying.
and everytime they fall
it scares me
but yesterday
when my husband went to the hospital
because we were afraid it was a stroke
that was terrifying
because I have no idea what
I'd do without him
besides give up.
glad it turned out okay
but still

Wednesday, October 24, 2012


So I got myself a twitter
kind of.
It is by far, the oddest thing I have found
online so far.
Why are we restricting our thoughts to
140 characters.
I find it horribly limiting and awkward
but people have funny funny thoughts
and they publicize horrible things
and they call people names and
list them so you can see what horrible
things they've said.
It is an odd and mildly addictive place
to live.
I should probably stay off of it
but it is funny and entertaining and
a crazy level of horrible.
So I'll stick around.

Tweet, tweet.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Tuesday morning

Tuesday mornings with my sons
involve cartoons and cars
and trying to watch various shows
but mostly failing because my kids
laugh so loudly, it is impossible to hear
anything but the laughter.
and we make lots of breakfast
and try not to eat cookies
and steal shoes
and a chihuahua runs around trying to
lick everyone's faces.

Regardless of how I feel in the mornings
which is sick today
but more often tired or depressed or sad
there are smiles on their faces
and they are excited for the food and the toys
and the cartoons
and specifically, the ice maker.
Because pushing buttons makes
things come out!
It can get messy sometimes
or alternately at all times.

And now I'm tired today. It isn't cool outside
the children are quite obsessed with their birthday crowns
and I need to find something different to write about.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Aunt Claire

I found out that on my husbands side
his great aunt had died. I found this out tonight, while I was
taking off my new witch outfit, and my husband had gone
downstairs to see how his parents were
because I had noticed that people were looking different.
So he went downstairs and stayed for a little while and came
back upstairs with a sad look on his face.
And he sat down and said
"Aunt Claire is dead."
And I said "No, no way, she can't be."
and then I felt like I was going to cry.

Because she was the nicest to me
always said the kindest things
and no double meanings
and I don't know when the the funeral is
and my chest has felt tight since I heard the news
and it is painful.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Saturday stuff

He said something yesterday
that made me smile.
he told me that he missed the apartment
and just me and him and
the kids.
and I have felt that way for a long time
since we left the apartment actually
and so, this made me smile.

Beyond that, I saw
Paranormal Activity 4 last night.
I screamed at least 8 times
and the theater full of people behind me
were doing the same thing
the last 5 minutes were definitely the most
frightening. 2 of those minutes ultimately proved
that even if everything is brightly lit,
horror in broad daylight is still
pretty fucking scary.

I started (again) the Vampire Diaries.
It is simultaneously good and bad.
and funny and silly.
I'm not too far in, but I want to catch up before the fourth
season goes insane. It is kind of cute
Here's hoping it gets better
or these people get smarter.
I like the idea of witches best.

I went through my writing and as
it turns out, I'm getting down about
5000 or so words a month.
Which is way up from the normal 1000
I was cranking out, but way down from
where I want to be. I want to make these
posts longer and I want to start (or continue)
writing fiction
but I'm not even sure where to begin.
It seems easier to journal the highs and lows
of my day but even then I'm not telling all of the
truth here.
There's few names and even fewer tellings of
where the connections are, I assume because I'm afraid
of people finding me.
or judging me.
Which is dumb for a multitude of reasons
because this is mine
my own
my precious......

Okay, all creepiness aside.
I'm a total fucking mess.
I have no motivation for anything, besides maybe writing
I want a job, but can't find one.
I hate cleaning, which makes my husband hate me.
I can't sleep well without Ambien.
I need a nap normally, but on a regular basis, I find myself having
trouble going to sleep.
I am waiting for my Halloween costume, but I have no where to go thats
technically appropriate to wear it.
I have a sexy costume, but I am fat so am I allowed to be sexy?
I hate 3D movies. I hate them so much. Going to the movies has
given me huge amounts of anxiety since I was little and so the advent
of movies where things intentionally jump out at you makes me
very afraid to set foot at or around movie theaters that show them.

Thursday, October 18, 2012


Some of the best days
I can remember
are the ones where me and mike
(my husband)
were together alone.
He used to have days off
and the best ones were days
with blue skies
where we drove in cars
and the times where we
went to Renaissance Festival
and we would hang out
and watch movies together
and talk excessively
to the point where we would
fall asleep together.
Him trying to get me to stay awake
during some movies
or teaching me to play video
or computer games.
me reading to him
some of my favorite books
or the news
or whatever was going on that day.
or sitting snuggled together at church
and him waking me up whenever
it was time to
stand or kneel
laying in the grass
after having a strawberry daquiri
and the way he looked at me
like he was proud of me.
Sometimes I remember
how he was crazy or brave
and it still impresses
falling in love in the middle of target
falling in love at a bar
where, while we talked
I rested my legs on his
and laughed
and hated how the beer smelled.
Or how he taught me to smoke
and to love cigars
something that carries on.
and the thousand times he's broken my
heart through little things
he's made it new with
a million more.
honeymooning in san antonio
or the way I always like the movies
he wants me to watch
even when I protest.
Or the way we laughed until we cried
when he scared me
the two straight months we watched
after I had the twins
and cackled so much
we sometimes woke up the kids.
or the time we went paintballing together
and how scared I was
and how much fun I had.
how hard we laughed while he was looking
for a job
but on nights
we were watching
How I Met Your Mother.
and when we went to TGIFridays once
he ordered 2 separate Long Islands
and I drank both of them
before he got any.
and how hard it is for me to pick
out his presents,

when we are sitting
just us two
in a quiet restaurant
I remember these days
those halcyon days
and long for them
and it hurts me for a little while
but I also remember
that no matter what age I am
they will be coming back
they are always coming
life is a circle
and the circle
just keeps spinning.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Writing about this is so hard.
I'd like to write about how the sun
is shining today
or how I feel a little better
than yesterday
Or how some of my fingers hurt
and I feel like my shirt is too wrinkly
and I'm supposed to be going to the
but I may skip it because I'm too tired
to drive out to Richmond on little to no sleep
and what I really want to do is
get my car registered
and then go get some Pho.
Yup, my standards are so high.
I also have a decent book
or two
or ten
to read so that makes me

I've been looking through
various and sundry areas of the internet
and I've notice
that there are prolific amounts of resources and
reading material for domestic violence victims and survivors
off all kinds
men abused by women
women abused by men
women abused by women
men abused by men
and children abused by parents.
there is very minimal help
for parents abused by their children.

Which is an odd situation,
I know
but what
about their siblings?

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

A List of Alphabetical Advice

This is from this website. It is a fantastic website and I encourage everyone to go visit. I love it and it is extremely inspiring.

So, a list of alphabetical advice.
I don't know how pertinent this will be for everyone's' life, but it is advice that either has been, or should have been used during my life. 

Hooray writing excercises! 

A- ask for help.
B- be kind whenever you can. 
C- Consent is a huge deal in sex. Asking is not bad. Saying no isn't bad. Research. Scarleteen is a great resource. What they teach in middle and high school is not valid sex education. 
D-  Don't be ashamed of your taste. It is okay to like things, even things that seem silly or simple, without irony. 
E- Every one has some good in them. Every one. This doesn't mean that every one is good. Far from it. But rather, that everyone has SOME good traits. Just don't overlook the bad ones while trying to notice the good ones.
F- fall in love sometimes. Good things do happen.
G- give books, don't lend. Book Karma is fantastic.
H- have fun. Actively make a choice to. 
I- I am sorry. Learn it, use it. Be sincere.
J- jokes can be hurtful. If you are making them at the expense of a person (rape jokes, racist jokes, GLBT jokes etc), they can be and are extremely painful and mean to others. Learn history, learn current events, know that these things are NOT of the past. They are current events. This shit is happening, right now. Don't be the fucking problem. Be the solution.
K- Keep your cool. 
L- Learn how credit cards work BEFORE getting one.  Actually, any kind of learning about financial stuff is extremely important. Before high school ends.
M- metamorphose. change.
N- negotiations. Find a book about this. You will need it when you are a teenager, with your parents, all the way to jobs and spouses. Compromise is a big word. So is LISTENING.
O- occupy yourself. Saying "I'M BORED!" is annoying for everyone.
P- Play with your kids. really. It is fun.
Q- quit when you get tired. seriously. It stops injuries and burnout.
R- read. anything and everything. fill your brain.
S-saying no is NOT bad. It is okay and disappointing people, even yourself, even your parents, is not world ending. ever
T- Tolerance is NOT a virtue. True acceptance and love is. How would you like to be simply tolerated? Think about it.
U-use your brain. please.
V-vows. Keep your promises. If you can't, don't make them. Please.
W- Write daily. Even if it is just a little bit a day, you will never get better unless you practice.
X- x-out body hatred. Love your body, in all its incarnations. Fat, skinny, curvy, whatever. 
Y- your body is yours. Live, love and modify accordingly. I guess my advice would be to ask "is this truly loving my body?" before modifying.
Z- I cannot think of a damn z one. Be zen? What

This was harder than I expected. More advice would be

Talk on the phone. 
Don't text and drive.
Watch good shows. Joss Whedon anything and Battlestar Galactica are good places to start.
Don't drink too much of anything.
Be kind. 
Chamomile tea fixes everything.
Sharks aren't anybody's friend.
Ride a bike. Go for walks. Hug a dog. Or a cat, but be careful.
Therapy is for everyone. 

This was fun and tiring.
I am horribly

Everything feels dark and
even with the sun bright
yesterdays ridiculous forays
have apparently cast a dim light
on today.

what was supposed to be
easy and quiet
did not go as I planned
and I'm tired
and depressed

Monday, October 15, 2012

Desire of an awkward nature

While I was there
I saw him
and a sudden longing hit me
and there it was
the wanting of someone 
you couldn't have
it hovers there now 
trying to make me go down roads
my mind and heart don't want to

So I do what I always do
be hostile to the people
I've wanted
Being nice has never 
been easy when all I'm doing
is thinking of fucking your brains out
and so I gave him the finger
while he followed me around my car

and then he surprised me
before I drove away,
he came up and 
said, you should smile more.
Entitled, pretentious ass.
Who are you to tell me to smile?
Why should I be positive
when all I'm thinking about is pulling you
into some dark corner?
So I called him an ass
and he asked
do you really think that?
And I said, maybe not
maybe you just annoy me.

My body betrayed me today
and left my tummy feeling all odd
I can't tell if you are being an ass
or if you want me
or if you have some odd fetish for trying to 
control women
and make them smile.
I can't tell your intentions
but your rough hands and
the way we bat words around
makes me want you
flat stomach
and scruffy face
and you are caught in my mind
at least the way I felt for the next two
hours is.

It was a tough call
whether I wanted to punch you
or pull you to me.
But I can't.

This is embarrassing
and I don't like it
I've restrained
and trained myself to not feel sexual
except in certain situations
and stupid body,
now you go and do this.

go away

Monday Blues

I think this is the
first time
I've ever been in this house
by myself
either my in laws
or my husband
my kids are here. If they
aren't in the house,
I'm not in the house.
But I'm here
by myself
watching things like
666 Park Avenue
American Horror Story.
and makes me jumpy

But I'm waiting for my
car to be returned to me.
Please call me soon, car people.
It makes me so nervous
letting people touch
or fix
or be around
my stuff.
I don't know why
Hopefully I get the house to myself
again next week
so I can get some stuff
done without sitting here
feeling helpless without a car.
Or freaked out because I don't
have my kids
I need a sedative
and a nap.
and my car.

To A Friend Who Became a Sister

This post is a tribute to someone
called Boo.
I met you while you were in middle school
and I was in high school and I remember
quickly feeling like you and I were
a friendship made in heaven.

as the years have gone on,
I am so grateful for our friendship.
I remember singing in choir with you
and sitting in the choir loft during chapel
and giggling inappropriately and hysterically
at everything
and trying to switch shoes for a day
which was really hard due to our intense shoe
differences, but was the cause of much fun and silly
memories. It was much easier to hang out with you
when you hit high school, because we could eat lunch
together and commiserate over our classes
through the art gallery.

I've always deeply admired your
ability to play any sport, no matter what
and your artistic ability, because you draw
beautifully, and you are play a piano with
fantastic abilities  and you can charm all the parents
and I know that life is just starting for you
and college is hitting and changing
and lots of fun
and I feel like you've surpassed all that I've done.

and so I guess I'm both proud of you
and jealous of you but definitely proudest of you
you are beautiful outside,
but you are wonderfully beautiful on the inside
and that makes you a lovely person,
You are there when I need to relax,
or to make a gourmet meal,
and you drink all the beer that I don't want
and make me go dancing and to play pool.

I am so glad we are friends.
You've made me a better person
and I hope I've been able to help you
over the years.
I love you.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

This night is creeping upon us
me, really
My husband is out having
fun with his friends.
I'm glad, because he has needed
some interaction with people
besides customers, his parents
his kids
and me
and I'm glad for him
but I'm sitting by myself
in my bedroom
and I'm missing him.

Because I like spending time
with him,
I like hanging out with him.
It feels very quiet without

Friday, October 12, 2012

annoying, annoy, annoyed

Some days
I watch Gossip Girl
and I can't always tell
if Upper East Siders make
me feel worse, because I can't
afford their clothes or their problems
or better, because who would want that
kind of laundry bill
or those kind of problems.
Who the fuck knows.

I haven't felt inspired if
a few days.
It is deeply depressing.
I feel deeply depressed.
I feel like there is a huge mess
My car is fucked up and it is definitely
going to be a few hundred dollars, at the very least
and I don't really have that at all.
But it is going to have to happen
so I will have my inspection
so I can re-register my car
so I can go to court and get my
non moving violation ticket paid
or waived
or whatever it is people do with those.
I am so fucked.

So who knows where all my inspiration
has gone
maybe it needs to be washed in my laundry
or given away to goodwill
because it has been very difficult finding
or maybe I need to go for a walk
which would be a lot easier
if the autumn weather would stick
around for longer than a day at a time.
but it gets hot all the time
I wish it were colder
even though I hate the cold.
it would be easier to go outside
and maybe clear my head
it has been a long '

And it won't be over
metaphorically or literally
for a long while,

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Confessions, pt 1

"Oh my God
I am heartily sorry
for having offended thee......"

Just so you know
I haven't magically decided
that all aspects of Catholicism is
mine again, however that has
been in my head all day so perhaps I
shall confess my sins unto Blogspot
Perhaps in hope that someone will
read them and absolve me of all my sins.
Who the hell knows.

I confess
I used to watch Buffy and
Angel and Firefly while I
was supposed to be studying in
school. While Joss Whedon was
a good teacher in how to behave during
high school
 (don't drop your stake in school,
if it turns into a giant snake you should kill it,
 sometimes when you sleep with him, he turns evil,
sometimes they leave, but they come back for prom,
don't build sex robots,
Being evil isn't a forever thing,
Sometimes people die,
Love is like cookie dough,'
Ah, the pitter pat of tiny feet in huge combat boots )
I think I might've done better in that world.

I confess
Bisexual is a word
which is an adjective
meaning sexually attracted to both
men and women
and all through high school I believed
that this was a mythical sexuality
you were either gay or straight
which retrospectively was kind of a silly
view, seeing as I was attracted to both men and women
all through that time, inasmuch as there
are men and women in high school
which for the most part, we were not.
And inasmuch as I was attracted to people
which isn't much, as far as bodies go
for the most part, I just like personalities.
People can be pretty, or ugly, or gorgeous or plain
but a personality can radiate more than any
perfect eyes or flawless lips ever could
and I could tell you much more about the people
that I've wanted
then describing them physically.
I'm not perfect about this
but for the most part
if you are my friend
that is when the attraction comes.

I confess
that I don't know how
many times I've fallen in love
I still love so many people
but I have fallen in and out of love
since I was fourteen and now I am
twenty one
and the list just seem to long
and too painful
and the large hunks of my heart
 that once felt ripped out
are now merely specks and mean
nearly nothing
but memories of love and pain
and so I confess to loving too many
and too much
and forgetting too quickly.

I confess
to the love of the human body
I at times worship at the altar
of smooth skin and hard hands
of large eyes and perfect hair
and I confess, that even though
I don't like my body as a whole
being naked makes it feel so much better.
and I confess that I'd rather see someone
naked than in a Armani suit
or a Chanel dress.

I confess
that sometimes I get so frustrated
that I yell at my children
but in the next 30 seconds
I can turn it around and they
can make me smile.

I confess
that I have not been able to
eat a hot dog since elementary school.
and that I have to avoid Starbucks, because
I get addicted easily, but my favorite time to
get it is Fall, because of the salted caramel
and I love getting it Tuesday nights after singing
with my dad.
that I hate Pepsi
but love Mountain Dew
but love Coca cola products the best
that chocolate makes me depressed
but sometimes I sneak some anyway.
That potatoes and pasta are my comfort

I confess
that when at some point we have a house
I will need half of the man cave. It will
be a woman cave. I need space and quiet
and a place to call my own too.
No special allowances for one spouse,
unless he doesn't want one, in which case
I'm up to take it!

I confess
that my interest in body modifications
isn't simply because I find it beautiful
and fascinating
but because I plan on modifying my body
many times in the future
because I am just now learning that it
is mine and what I do with it has nothing
to do with whether or not I am a good or bad
Prepare yourself accordingly.

I confess
to believing for years that
Purity was important for your future spouse
that sex and marriage was only possible between
a male and a female
that being a lesbian was only for other people's
viewing pleasure
that being gay was bad
that my worth was only held between my legs
but I'm proud to say
that I've never worn a purity ring
and that I stopped believing in all that
years ago and it has been a far healthier
attitude. I still am ashamed that I can even
remember thinking this though.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Tuesday Morning

It is a Tuesday today.
I spent all of yesterday
taking my children to their
2 year old check up
Doctor's appointment.
and they were wonderfully friendly
up there
which made me feel a ton better

and the twins behaved beautifully
and my husband was off so we
were able to have lunch and
I got to spend one on one time
with my kids, which makes me
smile much more, because they
are so overwhelming when there is two
of them but with just one of them,
they are more manageable and
sweeter, because they aren't vying for my
attention at all.

They are watching me type
right now, and scolding me when I
occasionally yawn, but they love to watch me
and try to grab the keys
and they wave when they walk away
and yell at each other
and laugh hysterically. I have to yell at
them to be careful sometimes, or to
stop climbing, and stop trying to reach
the cookies! But beyond the slight
crazy, they are fantastic.
My brain is only a little cracked.

Having lunch with my husband
was fantastic.
It was quiet and lovely, just how
I like spending time with him.
and I miss what we only had
for a little while before getting pregnant
time just us together
as newlyweds.

Sunday, October 7, 2012


1. Are looks important for the relationship?

Are they? I would
probably say that
they are to a certain degree,
however, if you love a person
it should be the internal stuff you love
not the external, because external stuff
is oh, so fading. But the internal stuff lasts.
and in the long run, looks will be gone.
So be attracted, but do not let it
encompass your relationship.
If what you are looking for is a relationship.

2. Can you commit to just one person?

Is this me personally or all of humanity?
I have no idea about the whole of humanity
I think that anyone who claims to know everything about
that in particular should be suspect.
I am committed to just one person.
I don't think it is necessarily possible for me
nor do I think it is the only path.

3. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Certainly, to some degree.
I do not think it is everyone's path
But I know what it is like to see someone
and feel struck, as if by an arrow, from
the very first moment.
It may not last forever, but it is intoxicating
while it lasts.

4. How long can you kiss until your hands start to wander?

This question is hilarious. I mean it
I laughed.
Um, as soon as I kiss, my hands are
probably somewhere your mother thinks are
inappropriate. The only exception to this rule over
the years so far has been first kisses. I try not to scare

5. If your first true love knocked on your door with and apology and presents, would you accept? 

With what I consider to be my first love
I'd give him a hug
and take the presents
and ask him for my letters
and gently say, no. 
because I tried loving him for four years
and all I got was gifts
and being hurt a lot
and when we broke up
which we did a lot,
he did his best to hurt me.

6. Is there someone you will never forget?

There are so many I will never forget
I swear that I shall shout their name 
to the Tower.

7. 5 ways to win your heart.

a. be physically affectionate
b. be honest.
c. listen to me 
d. remind me to listen to you
e. be brave

8. What is your sexual orientation?


That is it for today, dearies.
I am dreadfully tired
and last week has been horribly
horrible and this week should be 
very long.


Saturday, October 6, 2012

A love story, part 2

So after the painful breakup of January
I finally went back to school
and people walked around me
more carefully which
was kind of silly
because I definitely cried
more than I screamed.

But after that I dated someone else
K, we'll call him
and it was funny and pleasant
and honestly, a long time coming
as we had been flirting for a long time
and I had been his first kiss
and he needed a girlfriend
and I needed a person 
who would love me 
for a while
and he did
and I did
and after graduation
life got tough because
we didn't see each other everyday
and people weren't as supportive
and it
so I ended it. And he was horribly
sad and i was sad
but I knew I wanted to be single
in college

One day,
after months had passed
and I had graduated high school
and time had healed me, for the most part
(and it had, kind of, because I contacted him in May, maybe
after cutting off contact in January
But only to tell him that I had gotten into college)
but then I contacted the man
I had fallen in love with
and told him how I was
and asked how he was
and lo and behold
he was single!

I believe I was angry
when I found out
because he broke up with
me for someone who wasn't the love
of his life because I knew when we first dated
that this was someone who I'd never get tired of.
but that didn't matter too much
so we talked a while
and decided to go for lunch one day.
And I got excited.