"You have pointed out my flaws again
as if I don't already see them."

It is the day after my birthday
and I am sick
sick sick
and there's a line of bottles
on the desk
that are all prescriptions
and how am I supposed to feel better
if there aren't cats to love me
and purr at me?

Waking up Sick

Today
I was woken up at seven a. m
by screaming twin boys who needed some
attention, I'm sure, because there was no sort of
visible emergency that would have warranted the type of
screaming they were doing.

And
I awoke, startled from deep sleep
and was utterly terrified,
because those sounds are sounds that I
have internalized, that I know mean that the
world is coming to an end,
to lock your door and wait it out
because war is coming and
you won't win this one
so better lock your doors and
bolt your windows and pray that
you get to school on time.

And it has been a few hours now
and I still feel
so
ill.

Sea Food

A weird thing about myself
I love seafood
I love fish
tuna
catfish
eel
redfish
mahi mahi
shrimp
I love crustaceans
crab
crawfish
lobster
I love mollusks
Clam
octopus
squid
mussels
I have an odd obsession with it
and if I can have it
I will,
beyond almost anything else
seafood and pasta are my favorite
with seafood and salad
and seafood soup
especially gumbo and clam chowder
and sushi is food for the gods
and I haven't been able to eat it
for the last 8 months
because the medication I've been on has
been making my body intolerant to seafood
which was horribly frustrating
for someone like me
for whom sushi is a treat
and chowder is comfort food
but the comfort food started turning
my tummy into the room of pain.
But the medication wore off this month
and I tried sushi
and for once I didn't spend the next few hours
feeling like I was dying.
and since that was about a week ago
I haven't had much sushi
or anything else that I love
oh cajun food, you are calling me
but I cannot have you for a while
because I am trying to slow down
and also I have no money.

This was from yesterday....

And back to being sick again.  Last night was just awful. I think we gave it to at least one twin. One E.R trip later, things have calmed down. I think I re-irritated my stomach lining last night and re-stimulated the stomach virus I had. I am currently laying in bed because I feel THAT cruddy.  Going to choir practice tonight should be fun, though. Me and my dad are finally going to get to go. I am super excited about that.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~**~

Next morning.

Choir practice went well. I'm feeling okay-ish, still pretty weak and shaky so not that fantastic. I'm really REALLY tired and my ability to sleep has been severely compromised by my nervousness at my kids being sick...unfortunately, it means I have to keep an eye on my kids for vomiting and about a million other things. Strangely enough, this is a million times harder than JUST watching two two-year-olds. It is a hard job, especially when one feels pretty darn sick herself.

I am desperately tired and I need about 48 more hours of sleep. Unfortunately, this will NEVER ever happen.

Up, Down and All Over the Place

Oooh that last post was short. Still feeling pretty sick from yesterday.....I'm at about 80% normality, so that is better than the last 36 hours so far. At least not miserable in bed like I was for 90% of yesterday. I hate being sick. I can generally deal with it if it is just me, but with Mike sick too, I've got to take care of me and take care of mike and figure out how to get the babies taken care of as well. While not in my own space. Which is also making me crazy for other reasons, but in that particular case, it just makes it difficult, because I'm afraid to ask for help or get in trouble, even though I've never been given any evidence in this instance that I'm in trouble or that I've made anyone angry.

I think I might be just overly sensitive. That statement makes me laugh, because I tend to be harsher than most, but I tend to get nervous and antsy if I perceive that people are mad at me or might even be heading in that direction. I hate hate HATE it when people are angry at me and haven't gotten to the expressing part of it yet. I much prefer being yelled at than just trying to guess what your random emotions. That shit makes me CRAZY. I also assume that is why I jump straight to yelling when I'm mad. Things I probably need to work on.

In any case though, I feel relatively better. I'm super tired though. I could probably go for a really large nap although I won't attempt it until at least 11 (so maybe an hour an and a half from now). My kids seem content to play with a broom and a dustpan (wtf, guys), and to make sure all the doors are closed (extremely helpful at times) and whining about various things. They also studiously ignore the TV unless they hear music they like, which happens to ONLY be the theme song from the Big Bang Theory. Weird.

I kind of feel like my entire weekend was shot to hell after Saturday night and Sunday. Which is frustrating because I was looking forward to singing in choir and not feeling like I was in recovery all freaking day. I also feel like I've run out of things to write about. Maybe not in reality, because there is a shitload of stuff that I find hard or irritating or frustrating or painful or whatnot. I'm just never sure who is reading it. I'm terminally afraid of people being angry at me or sad at me (?).

But on the other hand, what if they do read it? What if they are mad at me for what I expose to the world? Not that many people read this. And if you are angered or saddened by what you read, is it your own fault for choosing to read it or mine for choosing to write it? Do I change the names or do I make it completely unambiguous? Do I just decide to only write the good stuff and not the painful reality of what is there?

I don't know.

Hellkitten