Scraping the bottom of the barrel here....

In a funny, less introspective
turn of events,
my family and I went shopping a night or two ago
I am not a fan of leaving the house much
for a variety of reasons
but mostly because
having one two year old is hard to deal with
and I have two.

And it made me laugh
because they are so full of innocence
so full of wonder at
rows and rows full of carrots and lettuce
and they can't quite get the freezer doors open
and they insist on holding your hand sometimes
and holding the basket the other.
I never quite know which one.

They continuously stare at absolutely everyone
but when they see children their own age, they
get these giant grins on their faces.
And I try to remember that
when they are throwing fits and fists
and screaming and
I am being triggered.

Don't ever give your two year old twin boys
basketballs.
They turn into tiny war machines
of doom
scattering chaos and broken things
wherever they go
along with stuffed animals,
cookies
and their mothers sanity.

Tuesday morning

Tuesday mornings with my sons
involve cartoons and cars
and trying to watch various shows
but mostly failing because my kids
laugh so loudly, it is impossible to hear
anything but the laughter.
and we make lots of breakfast
and try not to eat cookies
and steal shoes
and a chihuahua runs around trying to
lick everyone's faces.

Regardless of how I feel in the mornings
which is sick today
but more often tired or depressed or sad
there are smiles on their faces
and they are excited for the food and the toys
and the cartoons
and specifically, the ice maker.
Because pushing buttons makes
things come out!
It can get messy sometimes
or alternately at all times.

And now I'm tired today. It isn't cool outside
the children are quite obsessed with their birthday crowns
and I need to find something different to write about.
now.

Tuesday Morning

It is a Tuesday today.
I spent all of yesterday
taking my children to their
2 year old check up
Doctor's appointment.
and they were wonderfully friendly
up there
which made me feel a ton better

and the twins behaved beautifully
and my husband was off so we
were able to have lunch and
I got to spend one on one time
with my kids, which makes me
smile much more, because they
are so overwhelming when there is two
of them but with just one of them,
they are more manageable and
sweeter, because they aren't vying for my
attention at all.

They are watching me type
right now, and scolding me when I
occasionally yawn, but they love to watch me
and try to grab the keys
and they wave when they walk away
and yell at each other
and laugh hysterically. I have to yell at
them to be careful sometimes, or to
stop climbing, and stop trying to reach
the cookies! But beyond the slight
crazy, they are fantastic.
My brain is only a little cracked.

Having lunch with my husband
was fantastic.
It was quiet and lovely, just how
I like spending time with him.
and I miss what we only had
for a little while before getting pregnant
time just us together
as newlyweds.

Falling

Stop releasing singles
before your new album
Taylor Swift
Or I will just buy them all
and then I'll have to buy
the CD as well
monetarily, this could get
problematic
and also my children
are starting to scream when I play
you
because I am playing it too much
Thanks for that Taylor
PS. Your music is fantastic
and is getting better

I've managed to avoid Chick fil a
since the whole debacle
I love the chicken
but fuck it
I will not support
your shitty so called
biblical family values
when you have obviously  never
read the bible.

Learning the music for choir
has been lovely
My piano is in storage
and I can't learn it near
as fast as I could
if I had something to practice on
ugh
but the music is so pretty
must practice
if only my laptop could pretend it was
a piano
which it can't
I'm sure there's programs for this somewhere

my kids love to run
around naked
not really naked
but relatively speaking
which can be alternately
annoying and hilarious
and tiresome
and sometimes they
run up to me and chastise
me in their own language
which does occasionally make me
feel kind of bad
but mostly I just
find it funny
because they do it to anyone
and everyone they can
They are totally related
to me.
Oh dear

sometimes I wonder if I
am speaking in abstract terms
or a different language
because my husband
or my dad
or other people
don't seem to hear me when I speak
or they don't react, they
just keep going and going
and I am not really sure
whether it is my fault.

I asked if my husband was reading
this and he said yes I read it last night.
and then I said, what do you think?
and he said, about what?

Just
like
that.


Seriously?
Seriously!


Sigh
how is that a hard question
how are we grown ups already?
how can I be more grown up?
why can't jobs just come more easily?
everything is so hard
and I know I'm not the only person
who feels this way
but I also feel so silly for
complaining about stuff
that people totally have worse

but I'm still real
still here
and my problems are still real

damn

Hello today
fully of Once Upon a Time
Grey's Anatomy
666 Park Avenue
all of which made me smile at some point
but Battlestar Galactica win all of you
except for maybe Once Upon A Time
maybe

Sleepy sleepy
sleepy
from a night of tossing
and turning
Being this sleepy feels weird
and it is harder to get cool
to cool off
and to fall asleep again

and the children
are happy and screamy
and they like to knock on the walls

I have a brother-in-law
my husbands' older brother
he is 30
but looks younger
a priest
handsome and muscular
and funny and smart
he came over saturday
and brought the kids
birthday gifts
because
he missed their birthday
last week


Watching him and my husband
is funny
because they look so similar
and they both have the same laugh
he got the boys
Mr. Potato Heads
which they are both currently
solely playing with
and we all watched The Avengers
and screamed
and said THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART
incidentally
my brother in law
said that MUCH more than I did
and we discussed
how uncomfortable Black Widows' outfit looked

and I felt like he could be a part of my family
too
which is a pleasant feeling
I've missed him
we don't see each other longer than 20 minutes
or so
every month
mostly he hangs out with his parents
and I don't see him
and I can't really invite him
because we aren't in my place


damn.

In Which I Forgot that this formal makes me feel extremely verbose.

My  body is not an apology.
it may be larger than what I have been used to
but it is functional
and lovely
and frustrating
but it is mine
and my love hate affair with my body
is mine and mine alone

my hair is shot through with red
if I didn't like it, i wouldn't wear it
so stop looking at me like
it is bad
or it is dumb.
my hair
my body
Why is it so hard to figure out
Both me and you
that my body is mine
not yours
and it always has been.

"tattoos are not welcome in my house"
are you crazy?
a tattoo is not a person
a person is not a tattoo
Who cares?
Only someone who is obssessed
with appearances
Which is sad
but also extremely tiring to even think about
and kind of offensive

But I'm not allowed to be offended
I can only offend
"Watch your words
you might hurt someone's feelings
or bring up a mother's protective instinct
you get that right?"
no I don't
I am a mother
but when your child is violent
and painful
and slammed a door into my shoulder
multiple times and tried to frighten my
children by howling and screaming and we
could not get away from you
do not ask me to remember that you were kind
the next day
because you still don't listen to me
when I say I don't want a hug.

Telling someone "I am tired"
is not a personal offense
nor is "the sky is blue"
"the grass is green"
"my pants are clean"
whatWhatWHAT?
Don't be angry
when I tell you I am tired
i am always tired
i have twin two year old boys
I am never not tired
my free time is minimal
my eyes are never totally awake
It is rare I get more than 5-6 hours a night
and my eyes refuse to close
while my children take naps.

When I sing in choir
that is when my soul is still
when I sing for my children
and they quiet and listen to me
my soul gladdens
but when they whine
the world looks darker
but they come to me for comfort and love
and they desire my approval
which is fascinating for so many reasons
mostly because I want my mothers approval still
and I am no where near
their two year world.

I miss old lovers some days
not for the love
but the friendship
some of them have changed so radically
I'd never know them
the atheist pot smoking troublemaker
is a born again evangelical christian
so his big mouth has gone in a
completely different direction
and one who blocked me
so I can't see who or where he is
he hates me though
I broke him
and the one who was a total dork when I dated him
but now is ripped and has a lovely body
but still to me is the dorkiest of the sweet dorks.
I have such funny,  sweet memories of these people
sweet kisses, but sweeter conversations
funny moments in spanish and precalculus
the song that someone said
was our song
that I've never been able to stop
listening to.
even though it makes me tear
every. single. time.

When I sing in the choir
I know the notes or the words
by heart
OR
not both
which gets extremely annoying due to
how difficult some of the music
really is
most of the people there are so nice
I forget what it is like to interact
with groups of adults, or
semi-adults.
People behave, sort of
but they sing
and it is like magic

I now have 2 year old twin boys, officially. Sunday was their birthday. This weekend has been extremely long. Birthday festivities have gone on all weekend but they should all be done now.

Thank God.

There is a new Taylor Swift song out called Begin Again. It is fantastic, and will get the We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together out of my head, which is good, because I can only handle that song for so long. Fortunately her album comes out soon so hooray for more good songs!

That song though.....reminds me of meeting Mike. It is finding a new person but still remember the old one and finally realizing that good stuff can come from the new person, even if you are still hurting.

"I’ve been spending the last 8 months thinking all love ever does 
Is break and burn and end 
Then on a Wednesday in a cafe I watched it begin again"

I remember how that felt. Oh Taylor, always with the feels!

I am so tired these days. Not that that is anything new but just so you know. My nails are red and my wedding ring fits again. I feel so lonely most days. I wish sometimes that I was in college and I'm looking for a night job. I'd love to be a waitress and make some cash.

When we move out of my in-laws house, which hopefully will be soon, life will be tight. Oh wow, everytime I say that "hopefully will be soon", I FEEL LIKE I AM LYING! Who am I kidding, I am totally lying. It will be forever and when and if it ever does, it will be a huge fucking surprise.

Oh god, my dad has started buying rap on Itunes. The world has burst into flames. OH MY GOD. I cannot even.....asdkafjdklsa

Fantasies

This is going to be a lot less disturbing then the title implies.

My fantasy currently is just to be in my own place. I want to be in a house or an apartment with my husband and my kids and I. I want there to be a couch that I can let my friends spend the night on, and a room for my kids to play in and a room for me and my husband. I want to get rid of over half the stuff I own so I don't feel so crowded all the time. It doesn't even have to be a house at this point, I just want to be without extra people. I want to have a party in my own place. I want to only be afraid of my kids breaking MY stuff. I only want to be embarrassed by my husband in front of ME, not with his parents involved. I want to be able to invite my mom over.

I want to be able to fuck up my own kitchen. I want to be able to watch TV without worrying about people judging me for watching what I want to watch, with the exception of my husband, because who cares? I want to walk around MY place clothed the way I want to be clothed.

I hate even having hope for this sort of thing. It seems like an impossible dream, like we will never actually get there. I hate living with other people, and it is nothing personal about the people, but I want to stop feeling like I'm just pretending to be an adult.

I am just so tired of all this nonsense.

Up, Down and All Over the Place

Oooh that last post was short. Still feeling pretty sick from yesterday.....I'm at about 80% normality, so that is better than the last 36 hours so far. At least not miserable in bed like I was for 90% of yesterday. I hate being sick. I can generally deal with it if it is just me, but with Mike sick too, I've got to take care of me and take care of mike and figure out how to get the babies taken care of as well. While not in my own space. Which is also making me crazy for other reasons, but in that particular case, it just makes it difficult, because I'm afraid to ask for help or get in trouble, even though I've never been given any evidence in this instance that I'm in trouble or that I've made anyone angry.

I think I might be just overly sensitive. That statement makes me laugh, because I tend to be harsher than most, but I tend to get nervous and antsy if I perceive that people are mad at me or might even be heading in that direction. I hate hate HATE it when people are angry at me and haven't gotten to the expressing part of it yet. I much prefer being yelled at than just trying to guess what your random emotions. That shit makes me CRAZY. I also assume that is why I jump straight to yelling when I'm mad. Things I probably need to work on.

In any case though, I feel relatively better. I'm super tired though. I could probably go for a really large nap although I won't attempt it until at least 11 (so maybe an hour an and a half from now). My kids seem content to play with a broom and a dustpan (wtf, guys), and to make sure all the doors are closed (extremely helpful at times) and whining about various things. They also studiously ignore the TV unless they hear music they like, which happens to ONLY be the theme song from the Big Bang Theory. Weird.

I kind of feel like my entire weekend was shot to hell after Saturday night and Sunday. Which is frustrating because I was looking forward to singing in choir and not feeling like I was in recovery all freaking day. I also feel like I've run out of things to write about. Maybe not in reality, because there is a shitload of stuff that I find hard or irritating or frustrating or painful or whatnot. I'm just never sure who is reading it. I'm terminally afraid of people being angry at me or sad at me (?).

But on the other hand, what if they do read it? What if they are mad at me for what I expose to the world? Not that many people read this. And if you are angered or saddened by what you read, is it your own fault for choosing to read it or mine for choosing to write it? Do I change the names or do I make it completely unambiguous? Do I just decide to only write the good stuff and not the painful reality of what is there?

I don't know.

Hellkitten

Who wears short shorts?

Yesterday was utterly tiring. My kids are extremely needy these days. Duh, Hellkitten, they are TWO YEARS OLD! But there are two of them. Meep. The days so far have been long and hard. And there was a spider downstairs today. It was HORRIFYING.

So I took the kids and ran upstairs. I've been forgetting that they need dinner, but I've given them cookies. What is wrong with me? Why can't I remember the simple, stupid things? Why is it so hard to keep patient when them being snarky isn't always their fault? Why can't I try to be more patient, more kind, more attentive and less angry, snarky and so.fucking.tired all the damn time?

I feel like such a bad parent. I'm trying to keep my head above water and they still love me and hug me and kiss me, even when I'm feeling bad, even to the point where I have to smile when I see them.

I wish I could cook more. I wish I felt like I had some right to live here, some way that the kitchen is mine. I wish I haven't been walking on eggshells for 11 or more years of my life, it is so tiring and I am so very, very tired. I wish I felt good enough. I wish I didn't feel so needed and so isolated at the same damn time.

I'm just watching Grey's Anatomy and feeling ambivalent. And cruddy. And in need of something that I can't quite name.

"Nobody knows where they might end up, nobody knows! Oh, oh, suppose you'll never know....."

Love
Hellkitten

Sweet misery

Yelp is my new favorite site. There are some truly hilarious reviews on restaurants and everything else on this site. Why was I not told about this site sooner?

People are hilarious. Why do you waste your time writing terrible reviews? Also, if you misspell every other word, I highly suspect your intentions are simply to annoy readers like me, rather than to actually help people find good restaurants. It is a fantastic place to bitch about all your terrible experiences and reading them is just plain funny.

Small things about me

I'm a horribly messy person. Psychologically, I know it is still just me getting back at my parents but I just can't make it stop. I'm working on it though.

8 things about my body

1. My hair color is dark brown, but I've been adding red to it for the last 6 months. I feel so lovely and glamorous with these colors. I may have a love/hate relationship with my body, but my hair makes me feel so beautiful.
2. I love having painted nails. I hate subtle colors, I'd rather have deep red or black on my nails.
3. My body currently hates sea food. It is intolerant, not allergic, but it is killing me because sea food is my very favorite of all the foods.
4. My skin has stretch marks from being pregnant with twins. Lots of them. Mostly they just have an odd texture, but they don't bother me, except for the ones on my upper arms.
5. I love my ears.
6. After being pregnant, my feet hate high heels.
7. Besides stretch marks, I have almost no scars.
8. Rather than self mutilate by cutting, my issues tend to manifest by me biting my lips continuously or scratching my head until I bleed. Incidentally, this can make bathing or washing my hair or eating extremely painful. I've never actually told a professional about these habits. I should probably work on that.


3 facts about my personality

1. I am an introvert. I draw my power from being by myself. I love people and parties and what have you but I am so tired by the end that I generally need time to recharge.
2. I don't deal well with bullshit. I tend to react strongly when I feel people are screwing with me. I can be extremely temperamental.
3. Now that I've said that, though, it has to be said that I will put up with any crazy from my family. My boundaries are terrible when it comes to relations, but I'm working on it.

5 Weird things that I like.

Okay, to clarify, liking anything is weird.

1. Horror anything. Books, movies, video games, art etc. I get so fucking terrified of everything, but I love it anyway.
2. Pita Chips. New York Style. OH MY GAWSH. My favorite snack EVER.
3. Tumblr. I love tumblr. I'm addicted. It is so sad. But I love it. It makes me snort so much.....my computer screen needs to be cleaned....
4. Star wars online game. The reason this is weird is that the movies annoy me SO MUCH. But the game is awesome, I like that I can be bad AND good and LIGHTSABERS! YAY!
5. Feminist websites. This is weird because I was raised a super conservative Catholic Christian. But I love these sites. Feministing, Feministe and Shakesville are my favorite. I check them every day. They are wonderful and fantastic.
and finally a weird one 6. Porn. Let me clarify, there is a shitload of porn I find problematic. And by shitload, I mean nearly all of it. However, I love reading well written erotica (Random literotica stuff, for the win) and I've seen about 10 actual videos that I'm okay with. So there ya go.


I am deeply terrified of spiders, clowns and whales.

My favorite thing to do is a toss up between reading, sex and spending time with my husband.

I don't have a gender preference when it comes to sexual partners. I do prefer to be in a relationship before I do things of a sexual nature

I love being married. There have been some extremely difficult parts and I have no doubt that there are more to come. I've only been married for a year however I've been in a relationship with my person since 2009. We've had more than our fair share of difficulties.

I can see myself going to jail for a multitude of reasons. I assume they would be for self defense.

The curse word I use the most is fuck.

Talk to you guys later.

Love
Hellkitten

Going back to old places is always interesting. I have a distinct horror of it. There are even some places on the internet that give me stomachaches if I stay on them for longer than 30 seconds.

Dear xanga and myspace, you are painful and embarrassing. Please delete yourself, as well as the things I wrote on fanfiction.net. Oh my gosh, just looking at that stuff, even the titles, makes me turn red, literally. I thought I was so cool, because I simply had a forum for horrible characters. Oh, the horror.

On the other hand, rereading what I used to read is fantastic. These stories were wonderful back when I was in middle and high school and they are excellent as an adult. I really can't believe that I understood this back then and that it is readable now.

Unfortunately, my ability to read terrible things has vastly deteriorated. It pretty much has to be at least decent for me to be able to read a story or a book. I know, I'm a snob. I'm okay with that. It pretty much makes sure that I keep my sanity.

Ugh, xanga. Go die please. I can't believe the way I wrote back then. It was truly awful. I can't look at it for too long. Yeesh.

In other news, my kids are making me crazy. I'll be going out of town this weekend, though and I'm going to miss them like crazy.... they make me so wacky all the time, but then I get a chance for me to be alone with my husband for a while and I feel so sad thinking about them doing all their funny, sweet, silly stuff with people who aren't me. They love to run up to me and smile big, or they will take my hand and run me over to where they are. I yell "GUYS!" and their heads pop up like daisies and they run over to me. I play music and they dance with me. They sleep with trucks instead of stuffed animals. They come over for hugs and give me kisses. They fight over who gets to sit in my lap. They run so fast it makes me a little afraid. They love brooms and dustpans and are constantly trying to hit each other and me with them. They love my phone. They try to bite their dad on the leg or toes. They climb on the recliner and rock themselves back and forth for an hour. They cuddle and try to eat all the cookies. They LOVE apple juice and they almost never get it. They make HUGE messes and then they help clean up everything. Everyone tries to buy them everything but their favorite stuff is the things that I buy them. That is such a tiny thing, but it makes me smile.

They come up and try to make me smile. They love the sound of me playing the guitar. They always play in the bath. They love it when you spray them with water. They can go to a restaurant and behave relatively well for over an hour.

I love them. A lot. Even when they make me crazy. Which is generally how I feel by 6 pm, or whenever my husband gets here. And I will miss them this weekend.

twins and sopranos

I am the worst mother ever some days.

I don't have patience for anything.

I can't stop raising my voice.

They try to make me laugh but I can't.

They like to drive their little cars on the wall. It is super loud.

They are so cute.

But they are two. Or about 3 weeks from two. So they always want their way, they are super whiny and they throw their food. And everything else. But everyone else thinks they are the cutest ever.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm on anti depressants, so I'm feeling a little less 100% down, but I'm still feeling pretty horrible on my off days. I need to have my own place. Or rather, my family needs our own home. I think things would be easier if we had our own place. I don't know how long it will take. Sometimes it seems soon and at other times, it feels so far away.

On a lighter note, I did a voice check/audition for a choir yesterday. I did a lot better than I expected, seeing as I haven't sung in a non-shower capacity in almost three years, seeing as I quit a choir I'd been in for six years when I found out I was pregnant. Getting pregnant at nineteen was not good for my career as a singer. Not that I had one to begin with. In any case, the choir director listed me as a second soprano, but said she'd move me up to first within a month or two. First practice is tonight, that is good!

My husband is trying so hard to remind me that there's good right now. I don't see it very well. There are good parts sometimes, but so much of it just makes me want to curl up in bed permanently.

I'm Baaaack

Hello-

Hellkitten here.

Back to the writing. As it turns out, for the most part, tumblr is NOT a place I would use for a personal blog. It is fun to see all the cool stuffs and whatnot, but those are glimpses into what I like, not specific things about how I'm feeling. So I'm back. To write at least. If you want to creep on my tumblr, definitely no problem here. Expect lots of buffy, feminist stuff, Avengers.

www.hellkittensbooks.blogspot.com

Here's hoping someone can use my reviews of books and whatnot. Not like the internet doesn't contain enough critics.....

Anyway, several things about how or what I'm doing


My kids are two this month. Eeep! They are ridiculously sweet and very stubborn. They like cats and dogs and they LOVE cars. They won't say please but they will say 'thank you.' They give hugs and kisses. Today when they heard me sing, they stopped playing and stared at me. It was pretty cute! They give me a great deal of anxiety, but that is not really their fault. It is more because there is two of them and the situation and the fact that I can't babyproof worth a shit. Also, I'm not in my own house. Or apartment.

Speaking of which, another thing. I'm living with the in-laws. Shockingly, there's been almost no conflict. I've enjoyed myself a good deal. I really really need to get another place. My sanity is heading in a downward spiral. I miss having my own place. Hopefully, we are heading out soon.

Been reading voraciously recently. Hence the blog about the books.

I've recently begun posting on a feminist website. I won't tell you which, because I'm just commenting, but still, it's nice being a part of a community that doesn't constantly insult you, trigger you, or just generally be an asshole.

My hair is reddish.

This is a much shorter post then I originally meant it to be. More to come.


Hellkitten

Day 1

Discuss your current relationship.

My relationship. Well, I'm engaged to a great guy and we have twins.

Because we're a young, unmarried couple with 2 children, we have problems. Although, quite honestly, I think that if we didn't have problem, it'd be pretty weird.

The best example I can think of of what kind of couple we are is that last night we watched Sweeney Todd and played Super Mario Smash Bros. and Mario Kart on the Wii. We laugh hysterically and my profanity was increased by how utterly terrible I was on the Wii.

Our relationship, while incredibly difficult because of various self imposed problems/blessings (living with parents, TWINS, lack of a job (me) etc), however, together, we are perfect. And by perfect, I mean we fight like cats and dogs, make up like best friends and support each other well. He's the first person I call with good or bad news and my last call at night. He busts his ass for me and the kids. When he isn't at work, he's at my house, helping with the kids. He's a great daddy.
Before we had kids, he was my best friend. He was my new years kiss for three years running, even though we'd only dated a year and a half. He proved my gut instinct right. He grew a beard for me. My Lord of the Rings obsession and his Star Wars love gives us great chemistry. As far as music goes, our only common ground is what musicals we like...0.o

He is the handsomest guy in the world. He went to the beach with me. The first time we dated he called my parents and talked to them (which thoroughly cemented in my head what a different guy he was). He makes me want to be a better person. He also puts up with my swearing, helps me be neater, washes the dishes and I can't WAIT to marry him....Only 565 days to go !

Any hoo, as things go, especially considering the difficult circumstances, we have a great relationship. :)

These photos are courtesy of Shutterkey Photography.

Reverb10- A day Late, but Day One

Reverb10 is a project used to write every day of December.

First days assignment (yesterdays', so there will be two posts today) is this:

One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

I'd choose extreme as my 2010 word. I didn't climb Mount Everest and I didn't swim to the bottom of the sea. I think I rode my bike a grand total of once. I kept up with my music, playing guitar and piano as little as I've ever played them.

But I was pregnant and gave birth to twins, something that I never imagined that I'd have the physical, emotional or mental strength to do. It's an extreme choice, to give birth to and love these babies. It took major toll on my body and it still takes major toll on almost every aspect of my life. Being pregnant and unmarried while living in your parents house is a scary thing. On top of it, the complications of twin pregnancy were often reminding me of my choices. Fear and pain were constants in my pregnancy, healthy for the most part though it was.

The rewards make the extremity of the sacrifices worth everything. My children make the extreme choices I made eleven months ago worth all the pain I've gone through. I love them like I've never loved anything.

I realized that the person I was with is who I want to be forever, not because I believe in some magical destiny or fate, but because I believe that I am going to choose to love this person for the rest of our lives. It's a radical decision, choosing love.

My life became radical when I chose life for my children. My life became radical when I chose to be a parent to my children. My life became radical when I looked past my fear of commitment and hurt and betrayal and chose to love.

Next year? I want my word to be triumph.

Too Damn Long

It's been too long and I'm sorry for anyone who bothers following me. Long days and pleasant nights to each and every one of you, even the ones who aren't reading what I write.

It's been a crazy few months. I am 4 1/2 months pregnant with identical twin boys. I would be worried about the future of my sanity, but as my friends love to remind me, I lost it years ago! In any case, I could write about the trials and tribulations of the last few months but...then my therapist would be out of a job, and that would be exceptionally problematic for us both.

I love the movie Sweet Home Alabama. As far as feel good movies go, it's an excellent one, but I love how real it feels.