Who wears short shorts?

Yesterday was utterly tiring. My kids are extremely needy these days. Duh, Hellkitten, they are TWO YEARS OLD! But there are two of them. Meep. The days so far have been long and hard. And there was a spider downstairs today. It was HORRIFYING.

So I took the kids and ran upstairs. I've been forgetting that they need dinner, but I've given them cookies. What is wrong with me? Why can't I remember the simple, stupid things? Why is it so hard to keep patient when them being snarky isn't always their fault? Why can't I try to be more patient, more kind, more attentive and less angry, snarky and so.fucking.tired all the damn time?

I feel like such a bad parent. I'm trying to keep my head above water and they still love me and hug me and kiss me, even when I'm feeling bad, even to the point where I have to smile when I see them.

I wish I could cook more. I wish I felt like I had some right to live here, some way that the kitchen is mine. I wish I haven't been walking on eggshells for 11 or more years of my life, it is so tiring and I am so very, very tired. I wish I felt good enough. I wish I didn't feel so needed and so isolated at the same damn time.

I'm just watching Grey's Anatomy and feeling ambivalent. And cruddy. And in need of something that I can't quite name.

"Nobody knows where they might end up, nobody knows! Oh, oh, suppose you'll never know....."

Love
Hellkitten

twins and sopranos

I am the worst mother ever some days.

I don't have patience for anything.

I can't stop raising my voice.

They try to make me laugh but I can't.

They like to drive their little cars on the wall. It is super loud.

They are so cute.

But they are two. Or about 3 weeks from two. So they always want their way, they are super whiny and they throw their food. And everything else. But everyone else thinks they are the cutest ever.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm on anti depressants, so I'm feeling a little less 100% down, but I'm still feeling pretty horrible on my off days. I need to have my own place. Or rather, my family needs our own home. I think things would be easier if we had our own place. I don't know how long it will take. Sometimes it seems soon and at other times, it feels so far away.

On a lighter note, I did a voice check/audition for a choir yesterday. I did a lot better than I expected, seeing as I haven't sung in a non-shower capacity in almost three years, seeing as I quit a choir I'd been in for six years when I found out I was pregnant. Getting pregnant at nineteen was not good for my career as a singer. Not that I had one to begin with. In any case, the choir director listed me as a second soprano, but said she'd move me up to first within a month or two. First practice is tonight, that is good!

My husband is trying so hard to remind me that there's good right now. I don't see it very well. There are good parts sometimes, but so much of it just makes me want to curl up in bed permanently.

Too Damn Long

It's been too long and I'm sorry for anyone who bothers following me. Long days and pleasant nights to each and every one of you, even the ones who aren't reading what I write.

It's been a crazy few months. I am 4 1/2 months pregnant with identical twin boys. I would be worried about the future of my sanity, but as my friends love to remind me, I lost it years ago! In any case, I could write about the trials and tribulations of the last few months but...then my therapist would be out of a job, and that would be exceptionally problematic for us both.

I love the movie Sweet Home Alabama. As far as feel good movies go, it's an excellent one, but I love how real it feels.