Lots of Water

There are days for me
where the sun shines brightly
things feel incredibly exciting and new
and I feel like throwing dance parties just because
I can.


This is not one of those days.


This day feels horribly bleak.
I'm not even sure what to write for it
that doesn't sound like I'm bitching about
something ridiculous. But the sun is out and I still
feel like the sky is dark. I don't know what would fix
it. I feel like hibernating, like sleeping for the next few weeks
like pretending I don't exist, like the world doesn't have a giant
boner for screwing me over 25/7, like my head doesn't ache perpetually,
like I can read for longer than 30 minutes without my head splitting and like
migraines don't exist anymore. Like there's a world where I can turn my mind off
and just enjoy things, rather than getting frustrated over every little thing
or a world where I can communicate effectively
or a world where I can control my temper and my words better.

Or just a world where I can sleep for a few weeks.
That works too.

The Walking Dead
has been pissing me off for quite a while
but last episode broke my heart
into a million little pieces
Rick, you shamed Lori into keeping her pregnancy
never forgave her or reconciled with her
even when she tried
and now she's gone
and I AM NOT GETTING OVER THIS ANY
TIME SOON.
THANKS A LOT.

I am super tired these days...
It is pretty hard trying to keep my kids in some
sort of semblance of order
and hang out with my husband
and have friends somewhere
and hope that we move out at some point
and that one day we'll have a home that
I don't have to share with multiple other people
and hope that I can get a job at some point
and lose weight
and not feel so hopeless all the fucking time.

I am horribly
desperately
tired-ly
depressed.


Everything feels dark and
dreary.
even with the sun bright
outside
yesterdays ridiculous forays
have apparently cast a dim light
on today.

what was supposed to be
easy and quiet
did not go as I planned
and I'm tired
and depressed

twins and sopranos

I am the worst mother ever some days.

I don't have patience for anything.

I can't stop raising my voice.

They try to make me laugh but I can't.

They like to drive their little cars on the wall. It is super loud.

They are so cute.

But they are two. Or about 3 weeks from two. So they always want their way, they are super whiny and they throw their food. And everything else. But everyone else thinks they are the cutest ever.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm on anti depressants, so I'm feeling a little less 100% down, but I'm still feeling pretty horrible on my off days. I need to have my own place. Or rather, my family needs our own home. I think things would be easier if we had our own place. I don't know how long it will take. Sometimes it seems soon and at other times, it feels so far away.

On a lighter note, I did a voice check/audition for a choir yesterday. I did a lot better than I expected, seeing as I haven't sung in a non-shower capacity in almost three years, seeing as I quit a choir I'd been in for six years when I found out I was pregnant. Getting pregnant at nineteen was not good for my career as a singer. Not that I had one to begin with. In any case, the choir director listed me as a second soprano, but said she'd move me up to first within a month or two. First practice is tonight, that is good!

My husband is trying so hard to remind me that there's good right now. I don't see it very well. There are good parts sometimes, but so much of it just makes me want to curl up in bed permanently.