Tidbits

So, in

hopes of lightening my own mood

various blurbs about myself.

Things I have openly sobbed during

include

the end of Les Mis, a LOT of Battlestar Galactica

several Shameless scenes, multiple Taylor Swift songs,

twice during Once Upon a Time, because adoption story lines

make me horribly sad

Swan Song of Supernatural and the werewolf episode

the last ten minutes (or last two episodes, depending on who's asking)

of Six Feet Under had me borderline hysterical. Like howling levels of sad.

The end of Sherlock broke my face for about forty minutes.

My family knows not to bother me when I'm sadly watching Tangled

or that I need extra cuddles when that happens.

Oddly enough, Glee has made me cry more than once. But it's more

melancholy than actual bawling. Buffy and Angel and Firefly related stuff

actually anything by Joss Whedon automatically makes me start tearing up.

The worst was Sherlock and Six Feet Under and Battlestar.

I love finding people

I can talk books with.

They are few and far between

and so I cherish the conversations 

I have with people who love good stories.

I suppose it is why I have a tumblr,

there seems to be a high concentration

of people that just revel in love of stories

they think about it and scream and laugh

about it and simply ooze their love

for these stories

and doing that makes me

feel normal.

But on occasion

there are people I meet and

get to know and become friends with and

they text me "What book should I read next?"

and I smile and scream about their current 

and future books

and then on sunday

we drink tea and discuss Dr. Who. 

It makes my week or month, generally

these discussions. 

Because having a foot in both the adult world

and the child world

is hard

and having friends to hold my hands on both sides

keeps me loved and loving

and grounded.

I love to dance

but it is rare that I dance in public these days

I don't know why

maybe I need to branch out

from the kitchen and the car

because dancing there is fun

but lonely and

sometimes dangerous.

I love horror movies

and books

and stories

because they haunt me

even if they just contain various elements.

I love ghosts and monsters

and curses and zombies.

I really only truly dislike

any type of sea monster movies. Or 

if the horror element comes from the water,

I have a lot harder of a time watching it.

Or reading about it.

Sphere gave me the horrors for weeks.

I've never seen Jaws.

But just thinking about it makes me twitch.

I may or may not

have quit my job

in search of a new one.

The song Secret by the Pierces

gives me the creeps. Badly. Like, gives

me nightmares badly.

The soundtrack from the Hobbit 

and Lord of the Rings makes me tear up.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

may be my favorite Disney movie. 

It is kind of a tough call for me. 

I have had a love affair with the music

for many years now.

Lots of Water

There are days for me
where the sun shines brightly
things feel incredibly exciting and new
and I feel like throwing dance parties just because
I can.


This is not one of those days.


This day feels horribly bleak.
I'm not even sure what to write for it
that doesn't sound like I'm bitching about
something ridiculous. But the sun is out and I still
feel like the sky is dark. I don't know what would fix
it. I feel like hibernating, like sleeping for the next few weeks
like pretending I don't exist, like the world doesn't have a giant
boner for screwing me over 25/7, like my head doesn't ache perpetually,
like I can read for longer than 30 minutes without my head splitting and like
migraines don't exist anymore. Like there's a world where I can turn my mind off
and just enjoy things, rather than getting frustrated over every little thing
or a world where I can communicate effectively
or a world where I can control my temper and my words better.

Or just a world where I can sleep for a few weeks.
That works too.

Terrified.

“I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand ; the Eskimos had a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me while you sleep; there are no words for that.”

― Brian Andreas, Story People: Selected Stories & Drawings of Brian Andreas

Terrifying moments in my life include
the times I have almost been caught
the times I have been caught,
changing into a leather barbarian outfit
suspecting I was pregnant,
waiting for the test to be done
2 minutes until my life is changed,
one way or another,
when the doctor came in and said
yes you are pregnant
when they said,
oh my gosh
and waited a full damn minute
to tell me it meant twins.
when I had the spinal epidural
and it hurt
but then I couldn't move
when they opened me up on the table
and my chest started to hurt
no one told me what was going on
and I was terrified.
When i first saw my twins
life was changed
radically and terrifying.
and everytime they fall
it scares me
but yesterday
when my husband went to the hospital
because we were afraid it was a stroke
that was terrifying
because I have no idea what
I'd do without him
besides give up.
glad it turned out okay
but still