Lots of Water

There are days for me
where the sun shines brightly
things feel incredibly exciting and new
and I feel like throwing dance parties just because
I can.


This is not one of those days.


This day feels horribly bleak.
I'm not even sure what to write for it
that doesn't sound like I'm bitching about
something ridiculous. But the sun is out and I still
feel like the sky is dark. I don't know what would fix
it. I feel like hibernating, like sleeping for the next few weeks
like pretending I don't exist, like the world doesn't have a giant
boner for screwing me over 25/7, like my head doesn't ache perpetually,
like I can read for longer than 30 minutes without my head splitting and like
migraines don't exist anymore. Like there's a world where I can turn my mind off
and just enjoy things, rather than getting frustrated over every little thing
or a world where I can communicate effectively
or a world where I can control my temper and my words better.

Or just a world where I can sleep for a few weeks.
That works too.

Dark.

Some nights the taste of love is sweet
and there is laughter in this room
where we tussle, play, fight,
make love.
and then talk until we sleep.
There is a general sense of peace and love
here
on some nights.

And then there are nights like tonight
where the dark feels black and cold
and I am full of rage
and our tussling takes on a pained flavor
and he falls asleep
and it is silent.
and there is grief in the air
and anger.
And I do not want to be here anymore.

Tonight I feel alone as he sleeps besides me
and being lonely sucks. For everyone.
So off to bed. A thousand books
should clear my head.

things I don't say

I wish I could say
what is going on through
my head all day
my thoughts are terrible
a lot of the time
I am angry
or cold
or hot
or annoyed
or tired
all of these are not good
per se
but not bad either
just on the darker end
of my spectrum.

I like to read
dark and horrible things
more than I like to read
 the light and funny
of my youth
it just isn't fun any more
I prefer my darkness
with spatterings of light
but mostly darkness
my ability to watch dark things
however
has limits.
who knew
but the dark movies
still terrify me
I know some pictures
will never come out of my head
so I stay away
to stay safe
what is in my head
is scarier anyway.

my arms are my enemy
they have gotten better
and after having children
the skin feels all
odd
maybe it is still leftover
from the allergic reaction
i had
to demerol
ouch
and yuck

spongebob makes me
feel so crazy
dora the explorer
and diego
and team umi zumi
GET OFF MY TV
 you are driving me
up a wall
and down the other side
quality tv includes
quality voices

sometimes
hellkitten speaks in
third person
which seems silly
but she gets the point
and it makes her feel pretty good
and funny
so there you go


and then a date
with my husband
we can't agree on anything
the movie
or where to eat
WHY EVEN BOTHER
Why not just stay home and
watch battlestar galactica
if i can't make a suggestion
and we can't agree on anything
and I don't even want to
put on a bra.

so frustrated