"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Friday, August 29, 2014

5 Days

I cannot even begin to describe it
how I felt the moment I heard
he's gone.

but you want to know the secret?

in the middle
of the agony and the pain and the rage
is the jealousy.
because other people got to know you more
to love you more and have more of your time
got the choice to be around you or not
they got to know you and see you
be around all the bits all the time

In your defense,
who could have known?
what if you didn't want to be saved?
it was a family legacy.
maybe god has a plan.

I was told my whole life
that there was a man who bled and died for my sins
but in this case there is not enough blood and pain
and tears for me to sacrifice
to bring you back.

It's been almost a whole week
and no one has called to tell me that it was all
a bad dream
a horrible joke
not real.

I'll never get to introduce you to my stupid cat
or show you this new car or how fast it goes
or smoke a cigar with you and ask for your stories
or mess with you about the music
or discuss Dr. Who ad nauseum with you
until everyone yells at us to shut up.

You held my son gently on the first day I saw you
and you waved to me as I walked near you
and you reminded me of my dad and my aunt
I'm sure you were nervous about showing up that day
no one knew you were coming and
I remember how shocked I was that you'd come
You'd called me and wished me love and luck a few days earlier
said you'd gotten the invitation and thanked me.
But you were there and I got to see how
wonderfully loud and gentle our side of the family is.

And I say all of this to say
that I'm sorry you are missing the party next year.
I would have liked to see you in your place
where it's cold and where your home is.
I would have liked to see you in the snow
or on your motorcycle
around the moose that seem to be everywhere around you
There was comfort in knowing you were one of mine
or I was one of yours.
Every time we spoke or talked or texted or chatted
you told me you loved me
and I'm glad I said it back
every time.
I'll always measure time in regards to you
as the time I knew I had an uncle
and the time I knew you loved me.
I knew you loved me before I saw you though,
because you sent me a picture of where her ashes were
so I could know where she was
and be there too.
After he left
from the airport he told me
he was missing me already and he wasn't even gone.

I know how that feels.
I'm missing you already
but I cannot
will not
believe that you are