"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Going back to old places is always interesting. I have a distinct horror of it. There are even some places on the internet that give me stomachaches if I stay on them for longer than 30 seconds.

Dear xanga and myspace, you are painful and embarrassing. Please delete yourself, as well as the things I wrote on fanfiction.net. Oh my gosh, just looking at that stuff, even the titles, makes me turn red, literally. I thought I was so cool, because I simply had a forum for horrible characters. Oh, the horror.

On the other hand, rereading what I used to read is fantastic. These stories were wonderful back when I was in middle and high school and they are excellent as an adult. I really can't believe that I understood this back then and that it is readable now.

Unfortunately, my ability to read terrible things has vastly deteriorated. It pretty much has to be at least decent for me to be able to read a story or a book. I know, I'm a snob. I'm okay with that. It pretty much makes sure that I keep my sanity.

Ugh, xanga. Go die please. I can't believe the way I wrote back then. It was truly awful. I can't look at it for too long. Yeesh.

In other news, my kids are making me crazy. I'll be going out of town this weekend, though and I'm going to miss them like crazy.... they make me so wacky all the time, but then I get a chance for me to be alone with my husband for a while and I feel so sad thinking about them doing all their funny, sweet, silly stuff with people who aren't me. They love to run up to me and smile big, or they will take my hand and run me over to where they are. I yell "GUYS!" and their heads pop up like daisies and they run over to me. I play music and they dance with me. They sleep with trucks instead of stuffed animals. They come over for hugs and give me kisses. They fight over who gets to sit in my lap. They run so fast it makes me a little afraid. They love brooms and dustpans and are constantly trying to hit each other and me with them. They love my phone. They try to bite their dad on the leg or toes. They climb on the recliner and rock themselves back and forth for an hour. They cuddle and try to eat all the cookies. They LOVE apple juice and they almost never get it. They make HUGE messes and then they help clean up everything. Everyone tries to buy them everything but their favorite stuff is the things that I buy them. That is such a tiny thing, but it makes me smile.

They come up and try to make me smile. They love the sound of me playing the guitar. They always play in the bath. They love it when you spray them with water. They can go to a restaurant and behave relatively well for over an hour.

I love them. A lot. Even when they make me crazy. Which is generally how I feel by 6 pm, or whenever my husband gets here. And I will miss them this weekend.

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

twins and sopranos

I am the worst mother ever some days.

I don't have patience for anything.

I can't stop raising my voice.

They try to make me laugh but I can't.

They like to drive their little cars on the wall. It is super loud.

They are so cute.

But they are two. Or about 3 weeks from two. So they always want their way, they are super whiny and they throw their food. And everything else. But everyone else thinks they are the cutest ever.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm on anti depressants, so I'm feeling a little less 100% down, but I'm still feeling pretty horrible on my off days. I need to have my own place. Or rather, my family needs our own home. I think things would be easier if we had our own place. I don't know how long it will take. Sometimes it seems soon and at other times, it feels so far away.

On a lighter note, I did a voice check/audition for a choir yesterday. I did a lot better than I expected, seeing as I haven't sung in a non-shower capacity in almost three years, seeing as I quit a choir I'd been in for six years when I found out I was pregnant. Getting pregnant at nineteen was not good for my career as a singer. Not that I had one to begin with. In any case, the choir director listed me as a second soprano, but said she'd move me up to first within a month or two. First practice is tonight, that is good!

My husband is trying so hard to remind me that there's good right now. I don't see it very well. There are good parts sometimes, but so much of it just makes me want to curl up in bed permanently.

Monday, August 27, 2012

I'm Baaaack


Hellkitten here.

Back to the writing. As it turns out, for the most part, tumblr is NOT a place I would use for a personal blog. It is fun to see all the cool stuffs and whatnot, but those are glimpses into what I like, not specific things about how I'm feeling. So I'm back. To write at least. If you want to creep on my tumblr, definitely no problem here. Expect lots of buffy, feminist stuff, Avengers.


Here's hoping someone can use my reviews of books and whatnot. Not like the internet doesn't contain enough critics.....

Anyway, several things about how or what I'm doing

My kids are two this month. Eeep! They are ridiculously sweet and very stubborn. They like cats and dogs and they LOVE cars. They won't say please but they will say 'thank you.' They give hugs and kisses. Today when they heard me sing, they stopped playing and stared at me. It was pretty cute! They give me a great deal of anxiety, but that is not really their fault. It is more because there is two of them and the situation and the fact that I can't babyproof worth a shit. Also, I'm not in my own house. Or apartment.

Speaking of which, another thing. I'm living with the in-laws. Shockingly, there's been almost no conflict. I've enjoyed myself a good deal. I really really need to get another place. My sanity is heading in a downward spiral. I miss having my own place. Hopefully, we are heading out soon.

Been reading voraciously recently. Hence the blog about the books.

I've recently begun posting on a feminist website. I won't tell you which, because I'm just commenting, but still, it's nice being a part of a community that doesn't constantly insult you, trigger you, or just generally be an asshole.

My hair is reddish.

This is a much shorter post then I originally meant it to be. More to come.