"You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone."

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Random rantings

My kitten is spying on the neighbors. Or perhaps he's getting a tan. In any case, he's lying in the windowsill, looking pleased as punch to be so warm and happy. I can't believe that just a few hours ago, sunlight hurt my eyes, and I couldn't even eat one of my fudge brownies without feeling ridiculously ill. I feel so blessed right now, especially after the last few days and weeks of feeling so horrific. Nothing was pleasureable or funny and everything seemed so frusterating, even reading one of my beloved books. I feel normal, which equates wonderful in my book, so my urge to go out and play outside is just overwhelming. I'm excited to go to work because I am dying to go and play or laugh or sing or whatever. I'm so thankful for a boss who loves country music as much as I do.

“I never trusted a man who never smoked or drank.” – Abraham Lincoln.

“Fighting should always be the last resort. But sometimes you just have to punch a guy in the nose.” – Unknown.

"A woman likes a man who breaks the rules once in a while. After all, isn't that what romance is all about?" ~Morticia

“When you stare into an abyss for a long time, the abyss also stares into you.” – Nietzsche

I'm also starving for the first time in weeks. Hooray for DOUBLE the hormones while pregnant. Fortunately, all my clothes still fit and no one can tell, with the exception of the parents and possibly the boyfriend. You have to look really really hard to be able to tell that my body is changing. Thank God for small favors. I'm also one of the blessed few women I know who is secure in her body. I'm sure that will change as the months go on, but what the hell, I'm enjoying the big damn boobs while I can. If that makes me a bad person, I don't wanna be good!!!

I'm also going to blame crying while watching Buffy on hormones. In my defense, it was a intensely sad episode, but I felt like a total pussy afterwards. Perhaps I should watch Firefly instead... Time to nut up or shut up. Or alternately tonight, after doing the long ass shift, I will watch Pirates. Yes, I think that is a good waste of my time. I will write long rants about my life and watch Pirates of the Carribean 2 &3 or Inglorious Basterds and be vastly disturbed (again) by the the incredible and fufilling violence of that particular movie. I would watch Aliens, but even I know I can't watch that movie by myself. I'm so very very proud.

Or I could just do what I'm doing now. Listening to incredibly sexual country music by Garth Brooks (kudos if you can figure out any song by him that is deliciously sensual). I actually heard this song on the radio while I was working for the first day and I swear I was turning many colors....I heard songs like this when I was young and had NO IDEA what they were talking about. I guess that's the difference between now and then. Back then, things were implied. They were sensual and sexy but not overtly sex filled. Now I am innundated with songs that aren't even nice and censored (the room is the g-spot, i can make your bed rock). YOU ARE WHAT? Please spare me, you creepy bastard.


Hello, my faithful followers! While I am quite sure right now that there is only one of you, or possibly two. Probably one. In any case, my apologies for not being as prolific as I usually am. I recieved quite a shock on Wednesday when I went to visit my obi-gyn.

Apparently I am pregnant with twins. Identical ones. This fact blows my mind on a level that I thought could not be overtaken since I discovered I was, in fact, pregnant. My boyfriend and I used to joke about how, once we were married and had were starting to have kids, it would be awesome to have twins, although the probability of that was incredibly small. Or, so it seemed. (insert laughter of the gods here). We would argue about names (because, sorry Mike, NO STAR WARS REFERENCES). However, I now have a tendency to look at the sky and be like "WHAT THE HELL? WE WERE JUST TALKING!" But God has a sense of irony, humor and obviously trusts me with much more than I trust myself. The idea of that scares the crap out of me, but obviously no one was asking MY opinion.

So, twins. The idea of just having a baby at this age (the tender age of 18-19) scares the ever loving crud out of me. I still go to the beach (tempting the flesh eating bacteria) and never have enough money for ANYTHING. I love to read my books and watch Buffy and write angry self-effacing poetry. Just kidding, I gave that up after a crush went horribly wrong freshman year. I think I traded it for ridiculously anti-social hysterical laughter. Another semi-problematic social behavior. I got a text from a friend yesterday that summarizes this "To be honest, this is a huge shock. We're almost the same age, but you're walking into a new stage of life that I'm not going to be ready for for years."

Here's the difference between me and him. I know this isn't the optimum time. But I have to prepare myself anyway. I have to be the best I can be. And while that isn't the easiest thing to do, because, let's face it, this isn't the easiest path I've chosen, but it is the right one. Moving forward rather than burying my head in the sand. Am I scared? Of course I'm fucking scared. Are you kidding? But I know I am capable. I am woman hear me roar! But really, I am a strong, capable woman. I made the choice that led to this. I can handle the rest. And as the same friend pointed out, it won't be just me. I have a feeling that familial involvement in my children was gonna happen regardless of the time period they happened in. It will be more intense, but handling it all by myself would be a lot harder.

Having two babies at once is gonna be....interesting. Helloooo no sleeping! However, I've done it before (little brother) so I know it is doable and I can survive. Also, I'm having these children during the days that (according to the less sane of my friends) I should be out and about partying and drinking and whatnot, and this seems like a semi-healthier alternative. People really do die from going out and doing things like that, but they generally don't from staying up all night with crying babies. And I’ll be able to get school done, at the very minimal least.

I have family and friends who love babies and are dying to help. I just need to live through the pregnancy first. Quite honestly, about 2 weeks ago, I’d have been betting that I wouldn’t. That’s how bad the morning sickness got. All day, every day. And it finally stopped around eleven last night due to some excellent medication. PRAISE JESUS, JOSEPH AND MARY!

I have Rhapsody in Blue stuck in my head. I'm battling it with my Itunes and a sweet silver kitten in my lap who does his best to gnaw on my wrists. The irony of my two nicknames combining in my pet is a silly thing, but it feels like poetic justice to me.

I'm working tonight from 5:30 until midnight. Ouch. Oh well. Money is money. And thankfully, I enjoy this job.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

100 Things About Me (Part two)

26. I'm slowly having a love affair with comic books. I actually have a friend who tells me what to read, thank God, otherwise I'd be at a complete loss as to what to read. This all started when I watched The Crow and then I found out it was a graphic novel. And then that lead to V for Vendetta and Watchmen. Delicious!

27. Alice in Wonderland, whether it's the American Mcgee or the Lewis Caroll version, it makes me all warm and fuzzy.

28. Great art is something I enjoy, like great dialogue. Seduce me with your words!

29. I hate the cold. I'd rather sweat it out in shorts than freeze my ass off. Which means I'm sincerely hating Texas weather right now. This rule is true, with the exception of snow. Snow causes me to lose all my sanity.

30. Bad drivers make me wacky. But mean drivers make me ANGRY. Everybody else just irritates me.

31. I switch back and forth between valley girl and ghetto talk. And chola talk. And occasionally, I speak like a normal, educated human being. But that doesn’t really happen all that often, due to my irritation and anger with just about everything.

32. I’ve been swimming since I was three. I’ve never done swim team or anything to that effect, but I learned quickly and have strong endurance.

33. I have no problems smacking anyone in the face, so it’s preferable not to push me too hard on any particular subject or getting up in my face. I will most likely punch you or something. If you have a problem with physicality, namely mine, please address it now.

34. I love high heels, red lipstick, black eyeliner and perfect hair. I never actually HAVE any of those, but I enjoy it when I do. And I admire anyone with those things. Unless you are a guy. And then I’ll be impressed. And run away.

35. I have never been to a club. And incidentally, clubwear freaks me out badly. What CAN I wear to a club that doesn’t make me look like I’m trolling for skank?

36. Rap makes me laugh. But it is fun to dance to.

37. I always want either Italian or Asian food. Or bread. Bread makes my life. OH MY GOD, bread is amazing. I MUST HAVE SOME RIGHT NOWOWOWWOWO!!!!

38. I will bite you. Behave accordingly. This is code for me making you my bitch. And eventually, everyone is my bitch. Except for Gwen.

39. I love coke. The brown, poured over ice stuff. It is delicious and it can eat your liver. Much like me.

40. Fraternities and sororities creep me out big time. I think the idea of so many sisters is weird and then I heard about some guys in a frat at my old school “training” a girl. Yuck on so many levels. Anyway that about killed it for me.

41. I have this really adverse reaction to chocolate. While it is an aphrodisiac for most people, it makes me incredibly depressed. Moderation is key.

42. I’m a Taurus. Yep, very special.

43. I play guitar, and piano and I sing. I consider myself fairly musical, but it isn’t really my chosen art form. I prefer the writing aspect.

44. I have random body pain. And it’s not fun.

45. I love the sound of wind and rain. However, I hate how it feels with a flaming passion. With the exception of rain in the wonderful texas weather.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

100 Things About Me (Part one)

1. I love to read. Anything and everything. Recommendations are always welcomed, followed and enthused about.

2. Joss Whedon is a badass. I know that makes me a nerd, but I love his shows so much, I really don't give a crap. Buffy, Angel, Firefly and Dollhouse made high school so much easier. Also, he's apparently working on Glee, which explains why the dialogue suddenly got better in the middle of the season.

3. I hate reality TV. If I'm watching TV, it's not to see reality. I promise. My first (and last) foray into the swirling hellhole known as reality TV was the last season of the Bachelor and it made me want to grab a shotgun and go hunting for Jake. Preferably to mount his sorry head on my wall. After that, I decided I was going to stick to Vampires, space cowboys and Scrubs.

4. I love Stephen King. My blog is named after a quote from my favorite book from him, The Dark Tower. I could go on and on and on and on about how AMAZING this series is, but I'll try not to. That is a rant that shouldn't be started unless the listener has had multiple shots and several nights to listen.

5. I don't have all that much patience with anyone, with the minor exception of dogs, cats and kids. And sometimes Grandparents. Everyone else will be bitchslapped. A lot. Priests are another exception to this rule. Most days.

6. My kitten keeps me sane these days. While I realize relying on a cat for the state of my mental health isn't the smartest thing in the world to do, I can't help it. He's like a dog. With softer fur and a purr that is the sweetest thing in the world.

7. While I love my cat, I am waiting for the day I fall asleep with a large dog in my bed. Ah, those childhood dreams die hard.

8. I have a dirty mind. I'm not proud, but there it is.

9. I am a practicing Roman Catholic with a side of curanderismo. You don't know what it is, look it up.

10. I didn't watch TV growing up, so no, I don't know the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire. Please go die.

11. I love country music. No, that's not all I listen to and enjoy, but it's what I grew up on and honestly, where else are there lyrics like this: "Sing a song about the heartland, the only place I feel at home, sing about the way a good man works until the daylight's gone. Sing the rain on the roof on a summer night, where they still know wrong from right. Sing a song about the heartland. Sing a song about my life."

12. I have a destructive edge. It's not something I'm particularly proud of, but it's there.

13. I love to work. I love jobs. I really REALLY wanna be a bartender at some point, but right now, that doesn't seem to be a good idea.

14. I love all things Irish and Celtic.

15. And in case that last one didn't clarify, I love the sound of bagpipes. They make me remember the good parts of high school.

16. Rennaissance Festival blows my mind every time I go.

17. I simply must have a Caesar salad. It's an addiction. Not a good one. But a relatively cheap one, most days. *Thanks the salad gods for Wendy's.*

18. If I have to make a tough choice or am going through a rough time, I tend to shut everyone out. I'm not happy about this, but it's become a habit. One that everyone is welcome to help break me of.

19. I have a high pain tolerance, and I can handle the sight of blood, but about 12 hours later, it comes back and causes me to pass out.

20. I suck at most sports. That said, I can run at least half assedly. And I can skate.

21. I love the X-Men stuff. I'd love to be Wolverine. I have the temper to go with it.

22. I like Twilight and tortillas. And tortillas are pretty much the extent of my liking of mexican food. With the exception of steak fajitas.

23. I'm terribly afraid of the next few years and how the hell I'm gonna get through them.

24. People that try to intimidate me piss me off. I will poof up like a kitten who sees a big dag and my claws come out and I start hissing. Really.

25. I was known as the Vampire in high school. Pale face and long dark hair. And then Twilight came out. Didn't help.

Trying Not to Sound Like a Whiney Boy Band

Sooo.....sitting at home, glad I got a job. Starting on Tuesday. Which is good and bad, mostly because it means my excuse to leave the house for the next two days is completely GONE. However, after that, it means I won't have to see any one's face for a while!

I love kids. They laugh, cry, and continuously want me to read stories to them, something I adore. Everyone else these days seems to hate my guts, a condition that probably should be bothering me a great deal more, but tragically, just something that is irritating. On a minor level. I did do things that warrant distrust an d whatnot from my family, but you know what? I do believe I'm going to get right back on that college horse and ride the damn thing. Only it may not be the orange and blue horse I've been so pressured to keep riding. Whatever. I need a degree. Which means I don't care where I get the damn degree from. Which means I need classes. Oh tragedy, but stuff I can handle.

So, having a blog makes me feel kinda lame, but that's cool. I'm told it is an alternative form of journaling. And after spending several hours browsing the various blogs, and finding myself almost rolling on the floor with laughter, I think I'll give this a shot. For real. And try not to write more than once a day, because I'm sure once I start really writing, this shit will get addictive. Much like reading it. Which reminds me, the blog 'a taste of fresh banana pudding' had me in hysterics for most of today, and me being the stalker that I am, I went ahead and read the whole thing. I need to get a hobby, but as a book lover and highly prolific reader and writer, this is a much more "valuable" way to waste my time. I mean, hell, I could be watching something on hulu, but....I don't know. I always loved books that were made up of letters or journals, and by God, I've found MILLIONS of them on the Internet!

In any case, all this new reading material is killing my eyes, but making me super happy. I have 2 ideas for blogs. Letters from a mother. and my top 100 about me. I've decided though, that these deserve a new post. So, adieu for now.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Someone told me today that God would give us all we need.

I think I might have forgotten that. In the midst of the last few months, it's been easy to rely on myself, because I thought there was nothing anyone could do, no one who could help me. Against everyones wishes, I've managed to alienate myself amidst my family and friends. These people who love me, who have tried to help me for almost nineteen years, I've let them down. I'm quite confident that several people in my life are convinced I'm a sociopath, due to my lack of emotions.

So, long story cut relatively short. I found out I was pregnant about a month ago, which was enough to blow the roof off quite and then my parents found out today that I dropped out of school this semester. I think I could handle everything if my parents and my friends and my boyfriend were angry at me, or hated me. Rather, they are just dissapointed and in my parents case, convinced that I have no moral code and that I am incapable of anything right and considering me at high risk for suicide. I am so torn about literally everything in my life. And I'm frusterated with being a typical whiny teen on this blog! Hooray for twisted irony.

Each day is a mixed blessing. Babies are a blessing. My health (minus the ridiculous morning sickness) is a blessing. Living in this country is a blessing. In a laughable way, at least I'm not Buffy!

In any case, I'm lost and feeling lonely and all I need is some rain and possibly some alcohol in order for this to be a country song. My parents keep telling me I've chosen my path. Well, I'm not done choosing yet. I got a job today. I've had jobs for the past 3 years, but I've been needing one lately so that will help, and my future (meaning, ojala, tomorrow) boss seemed to hear some of the desperation and understand. I will be working with children (:)) The stars remain in the sky and the future will come one day at a time, thank God.

First post win. Life fail though. O well. It goes on. And so will I.